Topic 130: When I woke up the next morning...
When I woke up the next day, I found Dean shivering and sweating. I know that he's addicted, I know that he needs whatever that stuff is that Alex is supplying him with. I knew that I might see him like this after a night at my place. But that doesn't mean that I was prepared for it.
I surely wasn't prepared to see that need in his eyes. To see the way his body was reacting to the minor withdrawal. It was hard to see him swallow the coloured pills, to see him get better with every second thanks to the chemicals in his bloodstream.
He was ashamed that I should see him like this - vulnerable, his addiction so clear. But I held him while his shivers subsided. Caressed him until I could feel his muscles relaxing under my hand.
Yes, back then, it hurt to know that I wasn't the reason why he started to relax. That he only got better because of the drugs.
It still hurts to see him taking them, to know that until he's ready to free himself, there's nothing I can say or do that will make him stop.
Sometimes I worry whether or not he'll ever be ready. And if I'll be strong enough for both of us to get him through that fight.
I surely wasn't prepared to see that need in his eyes. To see the way his body was reacting to the minor withdrawal. It was hard to see him swallow the coloured pills, to see him get better with every second thanks to the chemicals in his bloodstream.
He was ashamed that I should see him like this - vulnerable, his addiction so clear. But I held him while his shivers subsided. Caressed him until I could feel his muscles relaxing under my hand.
Yes, back then, it hurt to know that I wasn't the reason why he started to relax. That he only got better because of the drugs.
It still hurts to see him taking them, to know that until he's ready to free himself, there's nothing I can say or do that will make him stop.
Sometimes I worry whether or not he'll ever be ready. And if I'll be strong enough for both of us to get him through that fight.