Craziness
So When was my last inteligent entry? Been Awhile hasn't it? Ahhhh...well where to begin? It all seems a jumble in my mind sometimes and I'm really bad with dates so you can see how this could turn out like a bad "Lost highway" sequal.
Anyway, I don't know A year and a half has gone by here in cali and I"m still not sure what the hel happened! Everything changed man, everything. Still I'd like to say I remained the same but the story doesn't play out that way! I was touched by all the bad energy and events that unfolded around me! I got stained and learned a little more about human reasoning then I wanted too. Only problem is at the same time I picked up there anger........there fears.....Hell, I felt the pain around me and began resenting people for forcing the emotion on me! Nothing I can do to change the situations around me but friends you must believe you can destroy your own insecurities especially when there someone else's that you just began to feel.
Wierd to say that out loud and realize that it's the truth and it was fully possible for me to absorb this crap.
Anyway, In the past year I seem to have lost a love, lost my way, and most importantly lost my grasp...you know that personal twist you all hold on reality...your "view".
Anyway, I suppose having said that we'll skip to the present situation. I was in a car accident on jan 12 I ran head first into a Semi that pulled out in front of me! Heh, compound fractured elbow "for those of you not in the know...that means my boned just popped out to say hello to the world problem is there's no DOOR on the elbow so yeah it ripped some muscles on the way back in also jacked up my eye, lip, forehead and knee! 24 staples a metal plate and four screws later I'm good as new just stuck in the hospital for four days. Had a few friends visit not as many as I'd hoped or as often but what can you do when your in another city you can't expect much! Finally released from the hospital and allowed to go home......home...a place where I can find peace and the company of my homies. Walked in the door and was treated to my best friend walking right past my ass not so much as a hello. Damn, shoulda stayed in the hospital I"m thinking as I"m looking for a place to rest for a minute. Later the fun begins. Instead of being the nice guy I usually am I became fucking mr.Hyde throwing bodies left and right trying to hit.....anything! But hey in my defense.... my first day out of the hospital I'm getting hit up for 20 bucks and ciggarettes and food but I'm not getting any concern from these people about the fact that I just got out of the hospital. They instead want me to return automaticly to the role I held before the accident, caretaker of the house and the people that resided therein they wanted me to still be there answer when they didnt have one but the problem was now I had major shit to worry about in my life and I couldn't help them with there's. I had to find a way to survive! I had to find a way to overcome and still take care of my bestfriend I've done it for awhile and I love this bitch she's family so I always will but right now I need help too it's not the paper kind it's not anything of that nature it's my spirit, my essence has been drained from this experience and I was counting on my homies to help bring it back. Most tryed to help but only in the physical sense, ok yay I have what I need but I don't have the one thing that's gonna keep me floating above water! conversation with the people I give a fuck about! Now I feel myself getting colder to the people around me none of them seemed to be there when I needed them most (in my mind) Oh they where at my house everyday, I got maybe five to twenty words out of them before they disappeared into a room I may not enter. I was always left alone to dwell on the pain and realize the nature of lonliness not an altogether foreign thing now it seems like that's the way it's gonna stay my best friend falls farther away my heart grows colder still and soon not much will be left of the man I use to be, the person I wanted to be! Untill this time I will cling to my humanity but I don't see me being to caring anymore. I can't be people take advantage of that and don't even realize there doing it! So hey if you mention it it's war! It's hate coming out of your heart in their eyes but it's just really you wanting some kind of connection to the friend you had. To the homie you think your losing mainly because they lost themselves and now I'm following suit! I don't have enough time to tell you all of the feelings I hold inside so we'll chill here for the night and scream the upon a hill in the morning! Hasta people sweet dreams chicka Fuck off mentality I'm out with this last word
WILL
Anyway, I don't know A year and a half has gone by here in cali and I"m still not sure what the hel happened! Everything changed man, everything. Still I'd like to say I remained the same but the story doesn't play out that way! I was touched by all the bad energy and events that unfolded around me! I got stained and learned a little more about human reasoning then I wanted too. Only problem is at the same time I picked up there anger........there fears.....Hell, I felt the pain around me and began resenting people for forcing the emotion on me! Nothing I can do to change the situations around me but friends you must believe you can destroy your own insecurities especially when there someone else's that you just began to feel.
Wierd to say that out loud and realize that it's the truth and it was fully possible for me to absorb this crap.
Anyway, In the past year I seem to have lost a love, lost my way, and most importantly lost my grasp...you know that personal twist you all hold on reality...your "view".
Anyway, I suppose having said that we'll skip to the present situation. I was in a car accident on jan 12 I ran head first into a Semi that pulled out in front of me! Heh, compound fractured elbow "for those of you not in the know...that means my boned just popped out to say hello to the world problem is there's no DOOR on the elbow so yeah it ripped some muscles on the way back in also jacked up my eye, lip, forehead and knee! 24 staples a metal plate and four screws later I'm good as new just stuck in the hospital for four days. Had a few friends visit not as many as I'd hoped or as often but what can you do when your in another city you can't expect much! Finally released from the hospital and allowed to go home......home...a place where I can find peace and the company of my homies. Walked in the door and was treated to my best friend walking right past my ass not so much as a hello. Damn, shoulda stayed in the hospital I"m thinking as I"m looking for a place to rest for a minute. Later the fun begins. Instead of being the nice guy I usually am I became fucking mr.Hyde throwing bodies left and right trying to hit.....anything! But hey in my defense.... my first day out of the hospital I'm getting hit up for 20 bucks and ciggarettes and food but I'm not getting any concern from these people about the fact that I just got out of the hospital. They instead want me to return automaticly to the role I held before the accident, caretaker of the house and the people that resided therein they wanted me to still be there answer when they didnt have one but the problem was now I had major shit to worry about in my life and I couldn't help them with there's. I had to find a way to survive! I had to find a way to overcome and still take care of my bestfriend I've done it for awhile and I love this bitch she's family so I always will but right now I need help too it's not the paper kind it's not anything of that nature it's my spirit, my essence has been drained from this experience and I was counting on my homies to help bring it back. Most tryed to help but only in the physical sense, ok yay I have what I need but I don't have the one thing that's gonna keep me floating above water! conversation with the people I give a fuck about! Now I feel myself getting colder to the people around me none of them seemed to be there when I needed them most (in my mind) Oh they where at my house everyday, I got maybe five to twenty words out of them before they disappeared into a room I may not enter. I was always left alone to dwell on the pain and realize the nature of lonliness not an altogether foreign thing now it seems like that's the way it's gonna stay my best friend falls farther away my heart grows colder still and soon not much will be left of the man I use to be, the person I wanted to be! Untill this time I will cling to my humanity but I don't see me being to caring anymore. I can't be people take advantage of that and don't even realize there doing it! So hey if you mention it it's war! It's hate coming out of your heart in their eyes but it's just really you wanting some kind of connection to the friend you had. To the homie you think your losing mainly because they lost themselves and now I'm following suit! I don't have enough time to tell you all of the feelings I hold inside so we'll chill here for the night and scream the upon a hill in the morning! Hasta people sweet dreams chicka Fuck off mentality I'm out with this last word
WILL