My Future In Your Hands
My Future In Your Hands
You must think that something is happening with you, that life
has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. . . .
Rainer Maria Rilke
Quinn comes awake relatively quickly, a skill honed by years of practice. Her hand shoots to the side table and grabs the pager, silencing it before it wakes up her sleeping companion. She can feel his arm slung over her back and regrets the last three drinks she had consumed at the bar before accepting his invite back to his place.
"Hhunnh, what's going on?" She hears him slur and winces at the fact that once again, she hasn't taken the time to remember his name before answering him.
"It's the hospital. I have to go in. Um.." She trails off as she sits up, her back to him. She's not ashamed but she can still feel her cheeks tinge red as she tries to gather the sheet around her while trying to find all her clothes discarded from last night.
"Quinn, will I see you again?" His voice is sweet and has just the right amount of uncertainty that she feels her heart melt a little. However, try as she might, she can't bridge the physical connection with an emotional one. Perhaps it's just her but all her relationships have never had a spark beyond the physical. She used to think it was just a matter of time. Time not spent at the hospital on 36 hour shifts or in bars after, trying to forget. She knows that her emotional connections with her patients won't be enough but at least it helps.
"Charlie..you're a ..you're a good guy."Her voice is low and she sees his smile falter at her words and she's glad she at least got his name right.
"And you just don't have the time or inclination to even just be friends?" She can hear the slight hurt in his voice and she takes the time to button her shirt before answering.
"I..I have to go. I'll try and call you."Quinn knows it's a copout but her patients have always come first and she's perfected the art of compartmentalization so well that she's already talking to her service to see what medical emergency needs her attention, even before she can hear Charlie's reply. With double board certification by The American Board of Plastic Surgery and The American Board of Otolaryngology, she wondered which one of her specialties was needed tonight.
#$#$#$
Rachel takes her third bow before blowing her final kiss towards the audience and rushing back to her dressing room, the applause still ringing in her ears. Though she's always known that she's lived for the applause, she's come to realize that she loves to sing regardless and that's what scares her the most.
"Hey, Rach, you were magnificent tonight. But you're magnificent every night." She feels Tony's hand around her waist and his breath as he whispers in her ear. "You want to come over to our place and watch I Love Lucy Reruns? Tina specifically asks me to tell you that you're not allowed to wallow." Tony Price, choreographer and Tina's husband followed her into her dressing room.
"I am not wallowing." Her words lack conviction as her eyes fall on the plain manila folder on her table. She cannot grasp how something so innocuous could contain something that could silence her forever.
Rachel knows she's prone to over-exaggeration. It's a pre-requisite for any diva but she wishes that for once it was just that, her penchant for drama magnifying a problem that was in effect not that serious. However with words like Lymphoma, vocal nodes, pre nodules and the rest of the medical jargon, she knows that she's actually at a stage where she's probably not reacting enough. Even Tina, her oldest friend from high school was worried so much so that she sent Tony back stage every night this week.
"Hey, where did you go?" Tony's never been perceptive except with Tina and even then, it had taken the eight years they had been together to finally be able to read her moods. With Rachel, he never really had to as she would always, and he really meant always, tell him what she was feeling or thinking and more times than not, she would do it in song. The first time they met over ten years ago at an off, off, off Broadway open call, she had already told him of her life story and thirty year plan in the span it took them from their first cattle call on stage to being the last of a group of ten to remain at the end of the day.
He had been the aspiring triple threat then, actor, singer and dancer only to be put to shame as soon as she stepped into the spotlight. Even then, barely twenty one, she had that poise that would earn her that first Tony when she was twenty three and her next two before she hit thirty. Her career taking off like a rocket, movie and TV roles and two albums as other awards piled up. Always using her voice to convey every emotion she could. It scared him to think that it could all vanish.
"She lets out a ragged sigh, not wanting to put voice to her greatest fear. Using her doctor's advice, for once, she just shakes her head as she walks towards the bathroom, hoping that her tears will not fall until she gets the shower running.
"I'll wait for you." She nods at his words, comforted by the fact that he's not going to push. She knows that he and Tina will be there for her tomorrow if she asks them and she wonders if they will be enough to help her through her greatest fear. She had prayed so hard that the voice rehabilitation therapy would work until she finally had to face the truth.
The appointment had been set for tomorrow, one of the top three Otolaryngologist in the country was working at New York Presbyterian Hospital and by some miracle, not only did her manager get her an appointment but she had also ensured that Rachel's name wasn't even used. No one would have to know that she was going to lose her voice, at least not yet. She can't even face it herself and wonders what she'll do when it finally occurs.
It's been her one defining feature and without it, Rachel Berry really does not know who she is.
#$#$#$#
"You have got to be kidding me!" The exasperation in Quinn's voice is palpable as she places her hands on her hips, takes a deep breath before heading to the Chief's office. There had to be a good reason why two of her surgeries had been removed from the board. She does not want to jump to any conclusions but she knows that despite her accolades in her fields of expertise, she's still the youngest attending at New York Presbyterian and that meant sometimes being at the bottom of the food chain compared to the more established Attendings or Heads of Departments.
"Chief Young, can I talk to you." She can hear the slight confrontational tone in her voice and forces herself to take another deep breath before approaching the man standing next to the elevator.
"Dr Fabray, Quinn, just the person I wanted to talk to as well." Alex Young despite his surname was in his mid fifties and had been chief for the past ten years. He was a Cardiothoracic surgeon and a legend with a scalpel. He was also the father than Quinn no longer had, at least for as long as she worked in the hospital, starting out as a lowly intern.
"Chief, I know I've been here since two this morning but I took a nap in one of the on call rooms and I can handle an adenoidectomy and a tonsillectomy in my sleep so I cannot understand why they've been removed from the board." If she had her hair up in her old trademark ponytail, she was almost sure, she would have given it a flip for added emphasis.
"They haven't been canceled as much as postponed." He holds up his hand proffering a file, silencing her next words as she takes it, her eyes questioning. "You've been requested on a special consult, the scans and partial anamnesis is in that folder, along with the clinical report from the patient's current personal physician."
Quinn takes the file and flips through the pages absorbing specific pieces of information before asking her next question. "Why a special consult? It's relatively minor surgery. Just general anesthesia and a few snips that even a resident could perform it?" She does not see a name attached to the patient's history and reads through the report of the vocology therapy that the patient had undergone, finally realizing that all the treatments thus far pointed to surgery as a last resort.
Alex sees the comprehension dawn on her face and marvels at how quickly she's put everything together. He almost does not want to ruin her mood but knows that she values honestly above all else. "The consult is special because it's offsite at a private clinic, address is in the file and because.."
"He or she is someone famous." Quinn finishes the sentence.
"One of the Hospital Trustees called in a favor. And before you ask, I don't know who it is. Just that it has to be kept secret and they really need the best." He's not flattering her because it's the truth. From an ENT perspective she is one of a handful considered brilliant in the field. The fact that she also passed the boards for Plastics and focused mainly on reconstructive surgery and not cosmetic surgery showed her dedication to improving the lives of her patients when they needed her most.
"Fine. But you owe me and that means another free two hours use of the operating theatre next month." She donates her time every now and then at a free clinic downtown but it was never nearly enough and usage of an operating theatre would allow her to do so much more. She does not wait for Alex to answer and checks her watch as she turns to walk to her office and study the file. She does not like treating people who tend to feel that they warranted extra special treatment because they were famous or rich but she stands by the Hippocratic oath and knows that she'll at least be able to help Mrs Sanchez's daughter with her cleft palette next month.
#$#$#$#
"Please, come and sit down before you wear out the carpet." Tina's voice is the epitome of patience because she understands the immense fear that Rachel is experiencing. She can empathize even though her voice had never been in the same league as Rachel, it was still how she made a living. However, she knows that with Rachel, it was more than that and that was why the brunette was so scared. "You don't know what the doctor's going to say and worrying about it only leads to stress and possibly buying new shoes for you because you're wearing them out."
Rachel opens her mouth to answer, only to snap it shut because she really does not know what to say. Tina was right but the problem was that when she was worried, she sang and talked and sometimes on occasion, shouted. All stress relieving activities that she could not partake of because the nodules on her vocal cords were getting worse and every time she sang on stage, she could feel her voice lose just a little of its luster.
Both Tony and Tina swore that she sounded the same but she knew. She knew she didn't and eventually other people would know as well. She's facing Tina when she hears the door open and it's the expression on Tina's face that gives her pause. But it's when Tina says the name, that she feels like she's been hit by a two by four.
"Quinn?"
End Part 1
My Future In Your Hands
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need….
Rolling Stones
The drive uptown was relatively quick and Quinn spent it singing along softly to the random songs that emanated from her car's speakers. She really ever only did it when she was feeling nostalgic and would select the playlist of songs that defined her time in Glee Club. She even had the scratchy recordings of Regionals and Nationals performances but she still could never listen to those without a drink or five.
She drives her Audi R8 into the underground parking space and finds a lot relatively quickly. The clinic was located on the sixth floor and it's only in the elevator that she wonders who the mystery patient actually is. The file in her hands gives her enough information to provide a clinical diagnosis but Quinn's always wanted to do more, to ensure that the quality of her patient's life was also not affected in her quest to cure.
The chances of doing that here was slim if best because if the person in the file really needed their voice as it was before, then all she would be confirming was that the prognosis was not good. However, she knows that she'll not stop there because she needed to do her best for her patients and offer as much of herself that she could.
The clinic is all steel and glass and Quinn can't help but shiver, hoping that the rooms inside were a bit more welcoming because she didn't have the best of news to deliver. The woman before her was short, brunette and her mannerisms reminder her of…She shut that train of thought off as quickly as it germinated, not wanting to address something she could not fix.
"You're Dr Quinn Fabray? The ENT Specialist? I'm Marcie O' Brien, I'm her manager and I just wanted to say thank you for coming on such short notice and I need you to sign this before you meet her." The rapid fire speech pattern and hand movements were so Rachel that all Quinn can do is to nod as she takes the paper thrust out at her.
She glances at the paper and shakes her head. "I am bound by Doctor Patient confidentiality so this is unnecessary. " She can feel a small headache forming behind her right eye and she knows her voice is too curt. "I'm a doctor and I know that your client is probably scared and wants to protect her privacy. I'm here to help and not to sell more newspapers or get my face on TV. If that's not good enough, I think you will need to find another doctor." Quinn arches her eyebrow, as she stares down at the smaller woman. Truth be told, she wants her to say no because all this is getting too much and she's almost sure, she's not going to want to meet with Marcie's client.
"Ok, she's in the room third door on the right." Before she can finish, she sees Dr Fabray square her shoulders and stride forward. Marcie had wanted a bit more time to brief her because Rachel was well, Rachel. She was a lot to take in but in the end it was worth it and she hoped that the young Doctor would take the time to actually see that. She knew that Rachel was frightened and it made her pricklier than usual but she also knew that all Rachel wanted to do was to sing.
#$#$#$
"Quinn?"
That name brings back so many memories, none of them good that Rachel has to steady herself as she places her hands on the back of the chair before her.
Man Hands, Treasure Trail, Tranny, RuPaul, You make me sick, kill yourself…
Words that hurt and still do, words that she never said out loud but echoed in her dreams and played on her fears; Words that she spent over ten years trying to forget despite knowing that they've been ingrained in her memory forever.
Eventually the name calling and looks of contempt tapered off only to be replaced by cold indifference which surprisingly hurt just as much. Rachel had vowed to never let herself ever be so affected ever again and thought she had succeeded. At least until today.
Ever since she got to New York, Rachel Berry never met a problem that she didn't tackle straight on. Today was a day of firsts as she does not turn around, instead looking to Tina, as one words falls from her lips.
"No."
#$#$#$
Quinn had opened the door, her neutral expression firmly in place, expecting to meet someone else, anyone else besides the two people currently occupying it. She recognizes Tina instantaneously despite the short asymmetrical haircut and the fashionable high end clothes. However, her attention is drawn to the woman whose back is to her.
She had seen Rachel on TV countless of times and twice on stage, had flipped through magazines and driven passed billboards with her face on them. Every time, still feeling the twinge of guilt in the pit of her stomach that despite all she had done and said, the woman had achieved her dream.
She had almost tried to get in touch once, four years ago, screwing up the courage to wait at the stage door, hoping to cram ten years worth of apologies into a three minute speech. Her words all carefully picked out. Only she had left before the door opened, realizing that she was doing it to assuage her own guilt, not taking into account if Rachel wanted it or even if she wanted to see Quinn.
She takes a breath and sees Rachel's shoulder's tense, but she still does not turn around. The word is spoken so softly that Quinn thinks that it's just her imagination. It's fitting though because she knows that if she were in Rachel's shoes, it would be the first word of many, all highlighting the fact that she would want nothing to do with the woman who made her life hell in high school.
#$#$#$
Tina shoots up, as her arms encircle Rachel, just before the brunette's knees give way. She guides her to the sofa she had occupied only realizing her mistake when she hears Rachel's gasp as her eyes finally meets Quinn's.
She sees Quinn step forward and she's surprised at the different emotions that play across the ex-cheerleader's face. She can see fear, give way to concern and finally the neutral expression she recognized when Quinn first opened the door.
"Tina, I need to leave." She hears Rachel's hollow voice and feels her pull on her arm but cannot acquiesce because she's so pale and so unlike her Rachel that she finally acts, her snarl of words stopping Quinn dead in her tracks.
"Get the fuck out." Tina turns without seeing if her words are enough to get rid of Quinn because Rachel's fingers dig into her forearm. But that's over-shadowed by the diva's harsh breaths as she descends into a panic attack.
It's a scene she's never experienced since high school and even then, it was only the one time when Dave Karofsky had gone a bit too far with Rachel, only stopping when Puck had pulled him off her and flung him against the lockers. Then, Rachel had curled into a ball on the hallway floor, hyperventilating until she had passed out.
"Guide her head down, get her to do her breathing exercise, you know, the one she does before she sings. I'll wait outside." Quinn's voice is soft, her instructions clear and concise as she swiftly removes herself from the room, knowing that even if Rachel did everything she said, it was her presence that was the main trigger for Rachel's condition.
#$#$#$
"That was quick." Marcie's anxious voice cuts across Quinn's haze as she softly closes the door, before sagging against it. She closes her eyes briefly as she hears Alex's voice in her head, "you're a doctor now, so straighten up, project calm and confidence because patients don't know your MCat scores or if you graduated top of your class or barely made it through, all they know is what they see and you can't get them to do what you want unless they trust you."
"I am the last person Rachel Berry expected to see and I'm sorry for that. You need to go in and ensure she's fine. I can give you a written consult based on information from her file. I'll send it here first thing tomorrow morning" Quinn's not surprised that her voice is modulated and without a hint of uncertainty as she straightens her back, her head held high. Hiding your emotions and ignoring them were a Fabray tradition, the only thing her mother ever taught her.
I..I don't understand. Why is Rachel not fine? She hates crying in front of any of us. What did you do?" Marcie can hear the soft sobs coming from the closed room and even though she wants to go to Rachel, she needs to understand why the young doctor in front of her, the one possible person who could save Rachel's voice has also suddenly become the cause of her grief.
The answers are on the tip of Quinn's tongue, "I made her life hell.", " I called her horrible names because I needed to feel superior", "I was a bitch and took every opportunity to prove it to Rachel." Each statement correct individually and accurate overall. "Trust me. She won't want me to be her doctor."
"If she does, will you reconsider?" The question throws Quinn, not because she's not sure of her answer but because she doesn't even think that it's a possibility. "Yes, but…"
Marcie cuts her off again, her quick words so like Rachel that Quinn has to blink to confirm that it's not her. "Dr Young said you were the best and Mr. Llewellyn, yes, the Chairman of the Board of Trustees recommended you. They said you cared, that you took all available measures to protect your patient, that you treated the patient as well as the disease and that's what she needs." Her voice thick with tears now as she stares at Dr Fabray, before blinking them back. The young doctor could only nod, encouraging her to continue.
"We've sent her file to so many doctors. Some insisted on knowing who they were consulting for, others just gave cursory input, confirming the worse without even understanding the impact of their so called diagnosis. We need someone who cares. She needs someone who cares." She wipes her tears before entering the room, hoping that she can convince Rachel because a world without the voice of Rachel Berry was a world incomplete.
#$#$#$#
She can hear the blood rushing through her ears and Tina's distant harsh voice but all she feels is numb. The encounter sending her so off kilter that she's transported back to a time she'd tried so hard to forget.
"Why don't you like me, Quinn?" The question takes all of her courage but she hopes in knowing the answer, she can change the trajectory of their paths. Only Quinn never did answer the question, the cold liquid corn syrup drenching her being the only response the blond deemed she deserved.
"She's gone. Just breathe in and out, ok. I've got you and when Marcie comes in we can see where the doctor is or we can just get you home. Whatever you need." Tina's voice is so soothing that Rachel finally feels the warmth of her arm as she relaxes her grip on it.
She feels the wetness on her cheek and realizes she's been crying but isn't really surprised. "Going home sounds good but..I need to do this. I've tried to hide from it and we both know this is the one thing I can't run away from." She looks up, dreading the sound of the door opening but exhaling when she sees that it's her manager.
"I'm fine" Marcie's raised eyebrows causing her to restate her case, "I'll be better but it does not detract from the fact that I still need to get my consult, from the Specialist you and Mr. Llewellyn so kindly arranged for, regardless of how I feel emotionally. So please tell me the doctor's outside."
"The doctor's name is Quinn Fabray. Do you still want to go through with this?" Marcie sees her words hit Rachel like projectiles but miraculously, she does not fall instead, her eyes shut as her fingers again curl tightly around Tina's arm.
"She's still there? She..She still wants to do the consult?" She sees Marcie nod her head. Rachel's never believed in karma because she'd witnessed so many wrongs that had never been made right but she has to think that she's the one who's different now. That she's stronger than that sixteen year old girl in Lima and because of that, she can face Quinn and whatever she would throw at her. Hell, she needed someone who would tell her the truth about her condition and not worry about her feelings and the Quinn she knew would do that with relish.
"Ok"
End Part 2
My Future In Your Hands
Keep Holding On
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
there's no other way when it comes to the truth so keep holding on
Avril Lavinge
Quinn stares at the door, willing it to open but dreading it all the same because she knows that whatever decision Rachel makes will affect her whole lot more than it will affect Quinn. When it does finally open, it does surprise her that Marcie steps aside, allowing her room to enter, should she actually have the courage to do so.
She sees Tina staring at her, a guarded expression on her face. Her eyes finally meeting Rachel's and it's only when she sees Rachel nod imperceptibly, does she enter.
She walks towards the couch and takes the sole chair facing it as Marcie and Tina sit on Rachel's either side, a protective gesture made all the more obvious when Tina angles her body as if to block Quinn's direct line to Rachel.
She knows she does not need to introduce herself but what she does need to do is show that she's here to help and her skills as a doctor has to outweigh any reservations Rachel or Tina has about her past sins. "I went to Harvard and then to John Hopkins. I was accepted into the Intern program at New York Presbyterian and after a few years found what I wanted to specialize in. I'm an Attending there now double boarded in ENT and Plastics. I've done research on subepithelial microflap resection focusing on isolating the lesions while preserving.." her voice trails off as she sees Rachel's eye widen with fear and realizing she's made a rookie mistake of using too much medical jargon.
"I'm researching surgical techniques for nodule removal that can improve post operation recovery but surgery is the last choice and 95% of the time, it's not needed because there are other therapies that work and other avenues to explore. I'll go over your file with you and highlight some things I've discovered and then we can discuss what you want to do next."
It all feels so surreal to Rachel that she pinches the inside of her arm and the pain she feels actually indicates that Quinn Fabray, is really sitting before her, offering to help her, possibly cure her and all she can think of is when she'll hear the sneer in her voice or feel the cold splash of liquid hitting her in the face. She sees Quinn look expectantly at her and knows it's her turn to speak.
"I..I've tried.."Her voice trailing off as she feels her throat convulse involuntarily. Rachel can see Quinn staring straight at her and it takes all of her will power not to look away because she's Rachel Berry. She accepted her first Tony with a five minute speech that got her a standing ovation and not a dry eye in the audience. She's put up with megalomaniacal Directors, diva-offs with other lesser voiced singers and a bad public break up with her last serious boyfriend. "I've tried all the therapies and techniques. Drank tonics and herbal mixes that made me pee blue for a month."
Her eyes are averted now, not wanting to look at Quinn as she continues, putting voice to her fear at last, "I've breathed differently, talked at a different pitch, changed my diet, and held my head at an angle that seriously was not conducive to much of anything. And nothing's helped."
"Have you tried not talking?" Quinn wants to temper the question with a smile but realizes that it will be taken the wrong way when both Tina and Marcie turn to glare at her. Tina's hand now protectively held around Rachel's waist "To give your vocal cords time to heal. Sometimes it's really all it takes. I would however recommend an indirect laryngoscopy, just to make sure that the cells are not cancerous." She sees Rachel's eyes go wide as she shakes her head.
"Don't worry Rachel, It's not invasive." The name rolls off her tongue like she's always used it only she sees Rachel's face as the diva remembers that in truth, she's only used her name a handful of times and even then, only in contempt. "I'm..um.. I.."She's floundering as she sees Rachel stare back at her, her eyes unblinking, a look of disbelief on her face.
It takes all her willpower to not walk away as she addresses Marcie, "Does Ms Berry's contract allow her to take medical rest. Three weeks would be good but nothing shorter than fifteen days?" She takes out a notepad and scribbles on it, trying not to wince when Rachel answers instead.
"Yes, it does but I've never use it because I've never been that sick." Her work ethic has always been a source of pride for her and it rankled that Quinn expected her to just stop working. "So you can't just waltz in here and expect me to do everything you say, you're here to give me a diagnosis, an opinion, one of many and just because you're a doctor now, it does not give you any power to tell me what to do, to tell me how to live my life. You don't get to have any power over me." She's breathing hard, her voice harsh but losing steam at the end as she sees that as always, her words have no effect on Quinn Fabray.
She feels her heart rate pick up as she grinds her molars down, schooling her features to ensure that she does not react because she's not the patient here and Rachel's words are only fair. This cannot be about her even though she wants to apologize, to explain that she's suffered for it too. That she's tried her best to make up for every bad word and every bad thing, real or imagined that she had done. "It's the one therapy you haven't tried so please consider it. This is a prescription for a steroid inhaler just in case and I'll see you in two days at the hospital." She gives the paper to Marcie and stands up, her hands in her pockets as she says a soft goodbye, only registering Marcie's response back before she swiftly makes her way out of the clinic.
#$#$#$
"Say something" Rachel's been silent the entire ride back to her apartment that Tina's almost sure that she's not recovered from seeing Quinn, despite her words at the end. "Or don't say anything because maybe you should take the advice." Tina's voice goes soft as she waits, hoping for the Rachel to react.
"I'd hoped she'd be fat." The words eliciting a laugh from Tina and a sigh of relief and it makes Rachel smile. She had people who loved her and cared about her, Her life was so close to her thirty year plan that she always thought that all her trials and tribulations in high school was necessary to get to this point. She can trace each action taken in reaction to each experience good and bad leading her to her dreams. She would give anything to continue on her chosen path but she knows deep down that it may really be out of her reach. She's played Maria winning her first Tony for the West Side Story Revival. She won her third with Oklahoma and knows that there's already talk of an Evita Revival because Sir Andrew Lloyd's Webber wanted one last big production under his belt.
She can hear Marcie on the phone with Mr. Llewellyn, trying to get more information about Dr Quinn Fabray. It shouldn't surprise her that if she managed to make her dreams come true, Quinn would also succeed in her own way. She had clawed her way back to the top after Beth's adoption and never really looked back, ruling the school until graduation.
"Ok, I'll tell her. Thanks." Marcie hangs up and stands before Rachel, trying to gauge her mood, not wanting to broach the subject and cause her to cry again but knowing that she owes it to Rachel to always look out for her. "She's really that good, top of her class at John Hopkins and she's won something called a Lasker award for clinical research. It's like the medical equivalent of a Tony award. He says he trusts her with his life and she saved his granddaughter's ear and hearing when she got into an accident."
Again, Rachel cannot reconcile the Quinn she knew with the information she's receiving or her encounter earlier in the day. "So you think I should take her advice?" She's never sounded more unsure and it breaks Tina's heart to see Rachel flounder but she knows it's her duty to be honest.
"Yeah, yeah, I think you do. At least until we can find another doctor, I think you owe it to yourself to do everything you can." She sees Rachel nod and prays silently that she's right about this because she knows how much Rachel had been affected by Quinn in high school.
#$#$#$
"Come on, don't do his. Come on Josh, please." Quinn's speaking out loud, her entire being focused on the little boy on the operating table before her. He's been under her knife twice and she's always managed to get him through it. She can hear the monitors beeping and the nurses and pediatric surgeon move around her, trying to assist but she knows it's up to her as she tries to bring him back.
"Come on, sweetie, please don't give up. Please." Her voice takes on a pleading tone but it does not really register as she continues to stem the flow of blood from the little boy, only each time she thinks she's stopped it, another vessel ruptures. She does not give up though, ignoring all the noise and even shouting at Dr Evans when he finally steps back, as if he's given up. "No, you do not get to give up."
She can hear the flatline on the monitor but cannot force herself to stop as she continues to stem the blood flow even though she can see that it's not pumping out any longer.
"Do you want me to call it?" She hears the question and swallows, her throat suddenly dry. It would be so easy to pass the task onto Dr Evans but she can't shirk away from this, just like she won't leave it to him to talk to Josh's parents either.
"Time of death 3.23pm." Her voice does not waver and she nods at Evans before turning to leave the operating theatre. She strips off her surgical gown and gloves and walks towards the family waiting area. She sees Josh's parents and hates the fact that at that exact second, they realized all at once that their son was no longer with them. Despite trying her best, she just was not good enough to save him.
"I'm so sorry. He was so brave but the growth was to invasive and …he was so brave." She can feel the tears forming and blinks them back because it's not her place to grieve at least not yet. "You can see him…if you want. I'll get him ready." Her voice breaks on the last word and she bows her head waiting for the well deserved wrath to descend upon her.
She's surprised then when the mother pulls her into a hug but she still does not cry.
#$#$#$
Rachel looks at her watch and hurries down the corridor, her hat pull low and still wearing her sunglasses. She had finally decided to come alone, not wanting to call attention to herself and needing to take responsibility for her condition. She had called the theatre and taken the medical leave and in a couple of hours or so, she'd find out how serious her condition really was.
Marcie and Tina both had wanted to accompany her but she also needed to prove that she was strong enough to face Quinn because if she couldn't even do that, then what chance would she have with facing the possibility of losing her voice.
She sees the office number as scribbled on Quinn's note and she knocks on the door but does not hear anything so she enters. The room is bright and there are pictures on the wall, at first she thinks that they are generic ones only to recognize scenes from her childhood, the old church down the road from her house and several of McKinley High interspersed with scenes of New York.
She wants to look at them but is distracted when she hears a sound intimately familiar yet completely unexpected. Like the pictures, it transports her back to high school, time spent hiding in the girls bathroom, crying her eyes out.
She looks around and finally pinpoints the sound as coming from the inside room. It's raw and personal and Rachel feels like she's intruding even though she has really done anything. It reminds her that despite her own problems, there may be other people who hurt more than she did and it finally spurs her to act as she knocks softly before opening the door, prepared to offer comfort if she could.
"Can I…." Her voice trails off as she sees Quinn Fabray head in her hands as she leaned against the far wall, sobs ripping through her body. She sees Quinn's head rise and their eyes lock.
End Part 3
My Future In Your Hands
The Only Exception
"You are the only exception; you are the only exception…."
Paramore
"I ..I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude..I'll um …" Rachel suddenly feels embarrassed as she turns her head away, when she sees Quinn's face tinge further red. Seeing Quinn this way was shocking not only because she never expected Ice Quinn to be so emotional but also because she felt like she needed to do something, offer comfort of some sort even if she knew deep down, it would not be accepted.
"I need a minute, please, just give me a minute, I …" Quinn's taken by surprise at the intrusion, never expecting it to be Rachel as she takes a deep breath and pleads for time. She swallows her fear because she cannot appear vulnerable, especially not to a patient, especially not to Rachel. She's done this countless of times before, picked herself up and moved on, not expecting help or consolation and this time, it's no different.
Rachel's and Quinn's voices overlap, each trying to gauge the situation they've found themselves in. Quinn reacts first as she pushes herself forward, her arm swiping at her tears as she walks towards her desk, head kept low, not wanting to look at Rachel Berry until she's able to compose herself. "Just go through to the door on your right. I'll call one of the interns to start with the cursory exam and I'll be there to do the laryngoscopy." She prays silently that for once, Rachel will listen but as usual, the diminutive star does not.
"If..if you want to reschedule, it's ok, I can come back." Rachel had only seen Quinn cry once in High School and it was after news of her pregnancy broke. Even then, the cheerleader had done so after Glee practice, holding back her tears as best she could throughout until the very end. She had pushed away any offer for help even then and eventually ran to her car. Vulnerability was an anathema to the blond and Rachel always felt that her own naked show of emotions made Quinn uncomfortable and was one of the reasons she had been her target.
Quinn hands curl around the edge of her desk, her knuckles white as she forces all her emotions down, pushing all thoughts away in her mind, as she focuses on the issue at hand "Please just go to the room and I'll arrange for everything." She can hear the plea in her voice as she bites her inner lip, nearly drawing blood. She cannot afford to show emotion, she's not the patient here and should not draw attention to herself. She hears Rachel's soft ok and releases the breath she had been holding.
She quickly calls for one of her residents before grabbing Rachel's file and going over the simple procedure in her head. She holds the file like a talisman, focusing on it instead of Josh's death. Rachel's her patient now or at least is currently in her care and she needed to do her best and hoped that it would be enough.
#$#$#$
"I am such a big fan and I know I've said that a few times but it's so true. And I think you were robbed of that Emmy. There's no way Miley Cyrus is a better actress than you." The young doctor examining her had not stopped talking since she entered the room and Rachel did not have the heart to stop her. Anyway the constant chatter was a welcome distraction from her own problems.
"I can't believe Dr Fabray remembered. I mean I know she's brilliant and really nice but this is so amazing." Dr Lee had nearly said no when Dr Fabray had called to ask her to do the topical examination but was so glad she hadn't.
"Remembered what?"
"That I'm a big fan. I mean I only told her when I saw she had tickets to your show a few years back and she never said anything or I thought she didn't hear me, you know."
Before Rachel could probe further, she sees the door open and Quinn enter the room and she almost does a double take because Quinn looks so put together that the breakdown earlier seemed even more unlikely. However, Rachel's been in the business for so long that she can see the newly applied make up and the eye drops that still could not cover the puffiness around Quinn's brown eyes.
"Dr Lee can you please present patient's history and your findings so far." Quinn does not look at Rachel, instead focusing on her resident and the symptoms being described.
"Ms Berry has soreness in her throat, slight voice change according to her. Her mouth is sometimes numb and she's been tired the past few months but her schedule has been packed." The resident smiles and shakes her head at Rachel as if does not approve of Rachel's packed schedule. "She also has slightly swollen glands which is endemic of professional singers sometimes."
Quinn bites her lower lip, a habit since high school as her mind puts together a diagnosis that she does not like. She knows she needs to be certain though as she prepares the mirrors for a closer look. She can see Rachel staring at her from the corner of her eye but she's determined not to look at Rachel until she can be sure that she won't see any sympathy in her eyes.
The examination goes by relatively quickly as Quinn expertly sets up her equipment, maneuvering the mirrors and the scope to get the view she needed. She feels Rachel's throat convulse under her fingers and she tries her best not to show any expression when she notes that the nodules have grown bigger than was indicated in Rachel's scans. They had grown much faster than normal nodes which did not bode well. She cannot control Dr Lee though as the woman's eyes widen as Rachel looks on.
"Rachel, it's going to be over soon and I'll go over next steps with you." She finally looks at the brunette, as she removes the last of the scope. Her hands slowly feeling the sides of Rachel's neck taking note of the slight swelling as her eyes meet Rachel's wide ones.
She had seen Dr Lee's expression and intuitively knows that it can't be good news. Coupled with the heat from Quinn's hands on her neck and her detached voice just made it feel all too real that she was really going to lose her voice. She always knew that it was a possibility when she first felt unwell but it never felt real until now.
Rachel had always been brave with her emotions, never hiding them away, never thinking that they made her weak. Instead she used them to fuel her, throughout school and even when she faced rejection starting out in her career, the tears and anger made her want to do better except here, now, when she looked at Quinn, all she felt was fear. Mind numbing fear which paralyzed her and made her want to ignore her predicament and latch on to something else.
What she needs is for Quinn to be mean to her, to take on her past role because this new reality meant that she was really here and facing the possibility of not singing again. She does not know much about this new Quinn but she does remember that Quinn never liked to show weakness in front of anyone and there were no exceptions. Her voice is hoarse but the words are clear."Why were you crying in your office?"
She sees Quinn's jaw harden at her words but she needs to try and get some semblance of control back in her life even if it came at the expense of pushing Quinn into her old role. She trusts her memories of the old Quinn and cannot accept her new persona.
"That's really not relevant here, you need to.." Quinn can see that she's afraid but her words are cut off as Rachel continues.
"You don't know what I need so don't presume anything. What I need if to have this be a nightmare that I can wake up from. " Rachel sees Quinn wince at her words but she pushes on, "What I need is to know that I'll be able to sing like always, that this soreness can be cured with rest and antibiotics. What I need is for you to promise me that everything will be fine. Only that's not really going to be the case is it?" Rachel turns to Dr Lee because the unexpected hurt she sees in Quinn's face is too much to bear.
"Dr. Lee, can you go and run the tests on the sample I took." Quinn's voice is curt as she hands the sample to the young resident. "Go. I'll finish up here and discuss next steps with Ms Berry." She urges, her voice taking on a kinder tone as she sees the young resident stuck under Rachel's unwavering gaze.
She waits until she hears the door close shut before she speaks, knowing that she has a choice to make and she cannot distance herself from this if she wanted to help Rachel and make up for all her past mistakes. "I…I was crying because I lost a patient today. His name is...was Joshua Gardner. Josh was six and he wanted to be a fireman. I've operated on him twice. Only I couldn't save him today. I just wasn't good enough to save him."
It's not the answer Rachel expects or to hear the emotion in Quinn's voice, low as if deep in thought. "I'm so sorry for everything I did and said to you in high school." The apology is also unexpected.
One of the first things Quinn learnt growing up was that promises always came with caveats, her father's promised love only if she didn't disappoint him. As an Intern she learnt never to make promises to patients or to families sick with worry. Because no matter how good she was, things happened that were beyond her control. However, right here, right now, all she wanted to do was to give her promise to Rachel.
"I know I've never given you a reason to trust me but I'm asking you to do that now and in return, I promise that I will do everything I can to make sure that we protect your voice. There's research still being done and alternative treatments. " She takes Rachel's hand in hers, trying to convey both her regret of their shared past but also a promise to be different in the future. It's a big burden to carry and she's scared she's not good enough but medical science was built on miracles and breakthroughs and she prays that Rachel as always, will be the exception.
Rachel's still afraid but the conviction in Quinn's voice jolts her out of her paralysis as she slowly nods when she feels Quinn's hand tighten around her own. "Do I still need to rest my voice? As you know, I'm relatively high maintenance and need to communicate often and express myself in order to ensure that I am in touch with my fans and I still have to do interviews and publicity for the show."
Quinn smiles for the first time since she entered the room, a genuine smile that matches Rachel's tentative one. "Yes, it's still good to rest it and I hear texting is making a comeback and you can always do print interviews. Take the break Rachel, and we'll wait for the tests results to come in. In the meantime, I will find alternative treatments."
"Ok, I'm off for the next two weeks and I guess you'll call when the results come in?" It's not an overt agreement of friendship but a start as Quinn takes down Rachel's phone number and gives hers in return.
"Yes, I'll call." Quinn walks towards the door, not even turning back when she hears Rachel's final words overlap with her own whispered ones.
"I'm sorry for hurting you before."
"I'm sorry about Joshua."
End Part 4
My Future In Your Hands
One
Well it's too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
U2
The minute Tony hears the key in the lock; he jumps off the couch and pulls the door open, words already tumbling out of his mouth before his wife can kiss him. "Thank God you're home. It's 10pm and she is driving me insane, this is the fourth list she's compiled. Four lists of things she wants to do in the next fifteen days, most of which she can't do and.." He sees Tina's eyes widen and his voice takes on a resigned tone. "She's behind me, isn't she?"
He feels the tap on his shoulder and turns around to see Rachel staring at him, her arms akimbo, and mouth open to say something before she realizes that she has taken a vow of silence and all that comes out is a huff of breath that still manages to indicate her utter frustration. Instead, she grabs for the pen hanging around her neck and looks around for a notepad, one of many scattered around her apartment. She scribbles the words quickly, tears off the note and hands it to him.
"I know it's not fun for you either." Tony' voice takes on a conciliatory tone as he reads the crumpled paper in his hand. "But it's only been two days and you can't keep writing lists of things you want to do." He quickly stops her hand from writing another note; "especially if a number of them involve using your voice."
Rachel's shoulders slump as she feels Tina guide her to the sofa to sit down, her head finally resting on Tina's shoulder. They were never that close in High School as Tina gravitated more to Mercedes and Kurt. It was only after graduation that they found themselves both accepted to Julliard without having to compete since Tina had chosen to major in dance. Helping each other through freshman year created a bond that was finally cemented when Rachel introduced Tina to her future husband.
"I know this is hard but you're Rachel Berry, you spent so much time training your voice, working your craft so you deserve a break. And you need to realize that this is just as important so we're here for you even if you revert to your diva stage" Tina sees Rachel reach for her pen and scribble another note, this time taking her time to write down each word before passing it to her.
"You're welcome and it's in the car." The words soothe Rachel as she lets out a soft sigh. Her note for Tina had not only thanked her and Tony for their love and support but also highlighted that she knew she could be a pain but despite everything, she appreciated what they were doing for her and she would try and relax although being Rachel Berry, that would possibly have to entail chocolate of some sort; which thankfully Tina thought of by her last comment.
She closes her eyes and sighs again, wishing that this was all one big bad dream and she'd come awake at any moment but she feels the dryness in her throat and acknowledges that the soreness she has been experiencing never really went away although it does feel a bit better.
She would never admit it out loud but perhaps Quinn was right and she needed to trust the doctor to do her job even though it was difficult not to remember the past. However Quinn was still surprising her when she received a text message yesterday morning and another today, informing her that she was working on alternatives and that Rachel could text her about any questions she had.
Rachel had been tempted to text back her thanks but it was still difficult to think of the Doctor Quinn Fabray as being different from Head Cheerleader, Quinn Fabray. In her mind, she still could not as yet distinguish between the two, deep down terrified by the fact that people don't always change, reverting back to their old selves.
It was unsettling to think of Quinn as her doctor and even more so as a friend of some kind. Thoughts like that in high school got her slushied almost every day and she does not think she can be that open again. Dredging up her past was not something she usually did but in this instance, it reminded her that she made it through stronger and she didn't have to be afraid of texting Quinn back.
'Thanks for the text. So comfort chocolate is still ok? R'
She's surprised to hear her phone chime a few minutes later and even more surprised when she sees it's another message from Quinn. She opens it to reveal the few words which elicits her first real smile of the whole day.
'I know keeping silent is probably driving you crazy so indulge in some chocolates but no alcohol. I'm still working on those alternatives Good Night. Q'
She finally looks up at Tina and smiles again realizing that she had changed and so had Tina so perhaps Quinn had as well.
#$#$#$#
The noise in the bar is still manageable and she's sitting at the far end of the bar, away from prying eyes and with enough privacy to take the call she is expecting.
Quinn finishes the drink in front of her and signals the bartender for another. She hates the fact that in this instance, there is no difference between her and Russell Fabray. That she's using alcohol for liquid courage as much as he would use it to just get through the day. She hears her phone ring and contemplates not answering it for once although, as always, she gives in because she knows who is calling her.
"Hello." Her voice is soft and her eyes close as she hears a similar greeting over the line. Shelby's voice sounds the same it did all those years ago and for the first time, Quinn recognizes the similarity in tone to Rachel's.
"How is she?" These monthly calls had started four years ago when out of the blue Quinn received a call from a Private Investigator hired by Shelby requesting if Quinn was amenable to a meeting with her. She had refused at first, not wanting to drag up memories of the past but in the end, she needed to know that Beth was alright, her mind thinking the worse. It hadn't been as dire as Beth's health but somehow, the little girl had been teased in school for not only having no father but also for being adopted and therefore unwanted. She had been called names and told not to go to church because she wouldn't be welcomed there. Beth had asked about her mother then, if she really hadn't been wanted and if she could go somewhere else besides church.
Quinn hadn't realized she had been crying until Shelby pointed it out. She hurt for the daughter she did not know but also felt the guilt of doing the exact same thing when she had been in school all those years ago. In the end, she had agreed to share some of her experiences with Shelby and hear about Beth's life such that if or when her daughter finally asked about her, Shelby could provide some information and maybe set up a meeting if Beth wanted it.
It was difficult to hear about first concerts, book reports and grades but Quinn always understood that she had made the correct choice and in taking the calls, she was just ensuring that she would be there if Beth ever needed her regardless of her feelings of loss.
"She's good, really, really good. She had her first solo in Glee Club this week. She picked Defying Gravity." Shelby's voice is tentative, like she wants to ask a question but cannot formulate the right words.
"Ok, so why don't you sound happy. Is she being teased again? With Carmel's reputation, I thought Glee club members are not at the bottom of the food chain." Despite her protestations in high school, glee had been the one bright spot for her and she hoped that it could link her to Beth.
"No, she really is doing well. It's just that she's growing up and I'm being over protective and I think I'm pushing her away. She asked about you again." Shelby hears Quinn's intake of breath. "She doesn't know I've been in touch but I think she'll want more information."
"She knows enough." The words roll off her tongue as her hands tighten around the glass before she takes another gulp and feels the burn of the alcohol down her throat. She had known that this was always an option but she's not sure if she's strong enough to do it.
"Quinn, I don't want her to meet you either." Shelby's frustration comes through, "But she's stubborn and smart and she'll find her own way. Just think about it. We're going to out to celebrate her solo. Tell me your answer next month." Shelby doesn't say good bye as she disconnects the call as well as the tentative link between the two mothers, only Quinn still doesn't know if she'll ever feel like one.
Quinn signals for another drink as she stares at her phone, slowly scrolling through the calls and texts she had made and received, finally stopping at Rachel's number used this morning. She hates to revisit her past, only doing so when she had no other choice. It had been a polarizing experience of highs and lows, of winning Nationals and giving up Beth, of becoming head cheerleader again and bullying Rachel on a daily basis. All experiences intertwined making her who she was today. Only she still isn't sure if she's good enough for Beth or to be Rachel's doctor.
She's so lost in thought that she doesn't notice him until he speaks. "Hey, fancy meeting you here." Charlie places his arm around her shoulder as he talks into her ear. "So does this count as calling me." He smiles at her, reminding her of their shared past before handing her his drink. "You look like you could us this more than me."
Quinn stares at the drink and the implied invitation, knowing that it'll be easy to accept and not have to think about Beth or Josh or Rachel. She could for one night try and do her best to forget. It wasn't like she was reverting to her old persona but just once; she wanted to not have guilt weigh her down.
Quinn smiles back at Charlie as she reaches for the drink only to hear her phone indicate a new message. She feels his arm tighten around her shoulder as he signals to the bartender for the bill. She's not sure why she feels the need to check the message but she does.
The question is simple and Quinn can picture Rachel aggravated by the need to stay silent and looking for any outlet. It sobers her enough to remember her promise to the brunette. She may still think that she needed to make up for her past and that she still was not good enough to save Josh or meet Beth, but the least she could do was to find the alternatives she promised Rachel.
She has no trouble disentangling herself from Charlie's grip as she types back a message before paying for her drinks much to Charlie's chagrin. "Quinn, I thought we were going to, you know..." He smiles is lopsided and he looks at her, wanting her to say yes, knowing she's worth it.
"Sorry Charlie, I really need to get some work done back at the hospital." She does not tell him that she'll call because she's not sure that she would but she also does not leave him hanging as she leans in and kisses him on the cheek. " You really are a nice guy and someday you'll make someone very happy."
She waves goodbye as she turns, still managing to hear his last words despite the noise in the bar.
"So will you."
End Pt 5
You must think that something is happening with you, that life
has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. . . .
Rainer Maria Rilke
Quinn comes awake relatively quickly, a skill honed by years of practice. Her hand shoots to the side table and grabs the pager, silencing it before it wakes up her sleeping companion. She can feel his arm slung over her back and regrets the last three drinks she had consumed at the bar before accepting his invite back to his place.
"Hhunnh, what's going on?" She hears him slur and winces at the fact that once again, she hasn't taken the time to remember his name before answering him.
"It's the hospital. I have to go in. Um.." She trails off as she sits up, her back to him. She's not ashamed but she can still feel her cheeks tinge red as she tries to gather the sheet around her while trying to find all her clothes discarded from last night.
"Quinn, will I see you again?" His voice is sweet and has just the right amount of uncertainty that she feels her heart melt a little. However, try as she might, she can't bridge the physical connection with an emotional one. Perhaps it's just her but all her relationships have never had a spark beyond the physical. She used to think it was just a matter of time. Time not spent at the hospital on 36 hour shifts or in bars after, trying to forget. She knows that her emotional connections with her patients won't be enough but at least it helps.
"Charlie..you're a ..you're a good guy."Her voice is low and she sees his smile falter at her words and she's glad she at least got his name right.
"And you just don't have the time or inclination to even just be friends?" She can hear the slight hurt in his voice and she takes the time to button her shirt before answering.
"I..I have to go. I'll try and call you."Quinn knows it's a copout but her patients have always come first and she's perfected the art of compartmentalization so well that she's already talking to her service to see what medical emergency needs her attention, even before she can hear Charlie's reply. With double board certification by The American Board of Plastic Surgery and The American Board of Otolaryngology, she wondered which one of her specialties was needed tonight.
#$#$#$
Rachel takes her third bow before blowing her final kiss towards the audience and rushing back to her dressing room, the applause still ringing in her ears. Though she's always known that she's lived for the applause, she's come to realize that she loves to sing regardless and that's what scares her the most.
"Hey, Rach, you were magnificent tonight. But you're magnificent every night." She feels Tony's hand around her waist and his breath as he whispers in her ear. "You want to come over to our place and watch I Love Lucy Reruns? Tina specifically asks me to tell you that you're not allowed to wallow." Tony Price, choreographer and Tina's husband followed her into her dressing room.
"I am not wallowing." Her words lack conviction as her eyes fall on the plain manila folder on her table. She cannot grasp how something so innocuous could contain something that could silence her forever.
Rachel knows she's prone to over-exaggeration. It's a pre-requisite for any diva but she wishes that for once it was just that, her penchant for drama magnifying a problem that was in effect not that serious. However with words like Lymphoma, vocal nodes, pre nodules and the rest of the medical jargon, she knows that she's actually at a stage where she's probably not reacting enough. Even Tina, her oldest friend from high school was worried so much so that she sent Tony back stage every night this week.
"Hey, where did you go?" Tony's never been perceptive except with Tina and even then, it had taken the eight years they had been together to finally be able to read her moods. With Rachel, he never really had to as she would always, and he really meant always, tell him what she was feeling or thinking and more times than not, she would do it in song. The first time they met over ten years ago at an off, off, off Broadway open call, she had already told him of her life story and thirty year plan in the span it took them from their first cattle call on stage to being the last of a group of ten to remain at the end of the day.
He had been the aspiring triple threat then, actor, singer and dancer only to be put to shame as soon as she stepped into the spotlight. Even then, barely twenty one, she had that poise that would earn her that first Tony when she was twenty three and her next two before she hit thirty. Her career taking off like a rocket, movie and TV roles and two albums as other awards piled up. Always using her voice to convey every emotion she could. It scared him to think that it could all vanish.
"She lets out a ragged sigh, not wanting to put voice to her greatest fear. Using her doctor's advice, for once, she just shakes her head as she walks towards the bathroom, hoping that her tears will not fall until she gets the shower running.
"I'll wait for you." She nods at his words, comforted by the fact that he's not going to push. She knows that he and Tina will be there for her tomorrow if she asks them and she wonders if they will be enough to help her through her greatest fear. She had prayed so hard that the voice rehabilitation therapy would work until she finally had to face the truth.
The appointment had been set for tomorrow, one of the top three Otolaryngologist in the country was working at New York Presbyterian Hospital and by some miracle, not only did her manager get her an appointment but she had also ensured that Rachel's name wasn't even used. No one would have to know that she was going to lose her voice, at least not yet. She can't even face it herself and wonders what she'll do when it finally occurs.
It's been her one defining feature and without it, Rachel Berry really does not know who she is.
#$#$#$#
"You have got to be kidding me!" The exasperation in Quinn's voice is palpable as she places her hands on her hips, takes a deep breath before heading to the Chief's office. There had to be a good reason why two of her surgeries had been removed from the board. She does not want to jump to any conclusions but she knows that despite her accolades in her fields of expertise, she's still the youngest attending at New York Presbyterian and that meant sometimes being at the bottom of the food chain compared to the more established Attendings or Heads of Departments.
"Chief Young, can I talk to you." She can hear the slight confrontational tone in her voice and forces herself to take another deep breath before approaching the man standing next to the elevator.
"Dr Fabray, Quinn, just the person I wanted to talk to as well." Alex Young despite his surname was in his mid fifties and had been chief for the past ten years. He was a Cardiothoracic surgeon and a legend with a scalpel. He was also the father than Quinn no longer had, at least for as long as she worked in the hospital, starting out as a lowly intern.
"Chief, I know I've been here since two this morning but I took a nap in one of the on call rooms and I can handle an adenoidectomy and a tonsillectomy in my sleep so I cannot understand why they've been removed from the board." If she had her hair up in her old trademark ponytail, she was almost sure, she would have given it a flip for added emphasis.
"They haven't been canceled as much as postponed." He holds up his hand proffering a file, silencing her next words as she takes it, her eyes questioning. "You've been requested on a special consult, the scans and partial anamnesis is in that folder, along with the clinical report from the patient's current personal physician."
Quinn takes the file and flips through the pages absorbing specific pieces of information before asking her next question. "Why a special consult? It's relatively minor surgery. Just general anesthesia and a few snips that even a resident could perform it?" She does not see a name attached to the patient's history and reads through the report of the vocology therapy that the patient had undergone, finally realizing that all the treatments thus far pointed to surgery as a last resort.
Alex sees the comprehension dawn on her face and marvels at how quickly she's put everything together. He almost does not want to ruin her mood but knows that she values honestly above all else. "The consult is special because it's offsite at a private clinic, address is in the file and because.."
"He or she is someone famous." Quinn finishes the sentence.
"One of the Hospital Trustees called in a favor. And before you ask, I don't know who it is. Just that it has to be kept secret and they really need the best." He's not flattering her because it's the truth. From an ENT perspective she is one of a handful considered brilliant in the field. The fact that she also passed the boards for Plastics and focused mainly on reconstructive surgery and not cosmetic surgery showed her dedication to improving the lives of her patients when they needed her most.
"Fine. But you owe me and that means another free two hours use of the operating theatre next month." She donates her time every now and then at a free clinic downtown but it was never nearly enough and usage of an operating theatre would allow her to do so much more. She does not wait for Alex to answer and checks her watch as she turns to walk to her office and study the file. She does not like treating people who tend to feel that they warranted extra special treatment because they were famous or rich but she stands by the Hippocratic oath and knows that she'll at least be able to help Mrs Sanchez's daughter with her cleft palette next month.
#$#$#$#
"Please, come and sit down before you wear out the carpet." Tina's voice is the epitome of patience because she understands the immense fear that Rachel is experiencing. She can empathize even though her voice had never been in the same league as Rachel, it was still how she made a living. However, she knows that with Rachel, it was more than that and that was why the brunette was so scared. "You don't know what the doctor's going to say and worrying about it only leads to stress and possibly buying new shoes for you because you're wearing them out."
Rachel opens her mouth to answer, only to snap it shut because she really does not know what to say. Tina was right but the problem was that when she was worried, she sang and talked and sometimes on occasion, shouted. All stress relieving activities that she could not partake of because the nodules on her vocal cords were getting worse and every time she sang on stage, she could feel her voice lose just a little of its luster.
Both Tony and Tina swore that she sounded the same but she knew. She knew she didn't and eventually other people would know as well. She's facing Tina when she hears the door open and it's the expression on Tina's face that gives her pause. But it's when Tina says the name, that she feels like she's been hit by a two by four.
"Quinn?"
End Part 1
My Future In Your Hands
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need….
Rolling Stones
The drive uptown was relatively quick and Quinn spent it singing along softly to the random songs that emanated from her car's speakers. She really ever only did it when she was feeling nostalgic and would select the playlist of songs that defined her time in Glee Club. She even had the scratchy recordings of Regionals and Nationals performances but she still could never listen to those without a drink or five.
She drives her Audi R8 into the underground parking space and finds a lot relatively quickly. The clinic was located on the sixth floor and it's only in the elevator that she wonders who the mystery patient actually is. The file in her hands gives her enough information to provide a clinical diagnosis but Quinn's always wanted to do more, to ensure that the quality of her patient's life was also not affected in her quest to cure.
The chances of doing that here was slim if best because if the person in the file really needed their voice as it was before, then all she would be confirming was that the prognosis was not good. However, she knows that she'll not stop there because she needed to do her best for her patients and offer as much of herself that she could.
The clinic is all steel and glass and Quinn can't help but shiver, hoping that the rooms inside were a bit more welcoming because she didn't have the best of news to deliver. The woman before her was short, brunette and her mannerisms reminder her of…She shut that train of thought off as quickly as it germinated, not wanting to address something she could not fix.
"You're Dr Quinn Fabray? The ENT Specialist? I'm Marcie O' Brien, I'm her manager and I just wanted to say thank you for coming on such short notice and I need you to sign this before you meet her." The rapid fire speech pattern and hand movements were so Rachel that all Quinn can do is to nod as she takes the paper thrust out at her.
She glances at the paper and shakes her head. "I am bound by Doctor Patient confidentiality so this is unnecessary. " She can feel a small headache forming behind her right eye and she knows her voice is too curt. "I'm a doctor and I know that your client is probably scared and wants to protect her privacy. I'm here to help and not to sell more newspapers or get my face on TV. If that's not good enough, I think you will need to find another doctor." Quinn arches her eyebrow, as she stares down at the smaller woman. Truth be told, she wants her to say no because all this is getting too much and she's almost sure, she's not going to want to meet with Marcie's client.
"Ok, she's in the room third door on the right." Before she can finish, she sees Dr Fabray square her shoulders and stride forward. Marcie had wanted a bit more time to brief her because Rachel was well, Rachel. She was a lot to take in but in the end it was worth it and she hoped that the young Doctor would take the time to actually see that. She knew that Rachel was frightened and it made her pricklier than usual but she also knew that all Rachel wanted to do was to sing.
#$#$#$
"Quinn?"
That name brings back so many memories, none of them good that Rachel has to steady herself as she places her hands on the back of the chair before her.
Man Hands, Treasure Trail, Tranny, RuPaul, You make me sick, kill yourself…
Words that hurt and still do, words that she never said out loud but echoed in her dreams and played on her fears; Words that she spent over ten years trying to forget despite knowing that they've been ingrained in her memory forever.
Eventually the name calling and looks of contempt tapered off only to be replaced by cold indifference which surprisingly hurt just as much. Rachel had vowed to never let herself ever be so affected ever again and thought she had succeeded. At least until today.
Ever since she got to New York, Rachel Berry never met a problem that she didn't tackle straight on. Today was a day of firsts as she does not turn around, instead looking to Tina, as one words falls from her lips.
"No."
#$#$#$
Quinn had opened the door, her neutral expression firmly in place, expecting to meet someone else, anyone else besides the two people currently occupying it. She recognizes Tina instantaneously despite the short asymmetrical haircut and the fashionable high end clothes. However, her attention is drawn to the woman whose back is to her.
She had seen Rachel on TV countless of times and twice on stage, had flipped through magazines and driven passed billboards with her face on them. Every time, still feeling the twinge of guilt in the pit of her stomach that despite all she had done and said, the woman had achieved her dream.
She had almost tried to get in touch once, four years ago, screwing up the courage to wait at the stage door, hoping to cram ten years worth of apologies into a three minute speech. Her words all carefully picked out. Only she had left before the door opened, realizing that she was doing it to assuage her own guilt, not taking into account if Rachel wanted it or even if she wanted to see Quinn.
She takes a breath and sees Rachel's shoulder's tense, but she still does not turn around. The word is spoken so softly that Quinn thinks that it's just her imagination. It's fitting though because she knows that if she were in Rachel's shoes, it would be the first word of many, all highlighting the fact that she would want nothing to do with the woman who made her life hell in high school.
#$#$#$
Tina shoots up, as her arms encircle Rachel, just before the brunette's knees give way. She guides her to the sofa she had occupied only realizing her mistake when she hears Rachel's gasp as her eyes finally meets Quinn's.
She sees Quinn step forward and she's surprised at the different emotions that play across the ex-cheerleader's face. She can see fear, give way to concern and finally the neutral expression she recognized when Quinn first opened the door.
"Tina, I need to leave." She hears Rachel's hollow voice and feels her pull on her arm but cannot acquiesce because she's so pale and so unlike her Rachel that she finally acts, her snarl of words stopping Quinn dead in her tracks.
"Get the fuck out." Tina turns without seeing if her words are enough to get rid of Quinn because Rachel's fingers dig into her forearm. But that's over-shadowed by the diva's harsh breaths as she descends into a panic attack.
It's a scene she's never experienced since high school and even then, it was only the one time when Dave Karofsky had gone a bit too far with Rachel, only stopping when Puck had pulled him off her and flung him against the lockers. Then, Rachel had curled into a ball on the hallway floor, hyperventilating until she had passed out.
"Guide her head down, get her to do her breathing exercise, you know, the one she does before she sings. I'll wait outside." Quinn's voice is soft, her instructions clear and concise as she swiftly removes herself from the room, knowing that even if Rachel did everything she said, it was her presence that was the main trigger for Rachel's condition.
#$#$#$
"That was quick." Marcie's anxious voice cuts across Quinn's haze as she softly closes the door, before sagging against it. She closes her eyes briefly as she hears Alex's voice in her head, "you're a doctor now, so straighten up, project calm and confidence because patients don't know your MCat scores or if you graduated top of your class or barely made it through, all they know is what they see and you can't get them to do what you want unless they trust you."
"I am the last person Rachel Berry expected to see and I'm sorry for that. You need to go in and ensure she's fine. I can give you a written consult based on information from her file. I'll send it here first thing tomorrow morning" Quinn's not surprised that her voice is modulated and without a hint of uncertainty as she straightens her back, her head held high. Hiding your emotions and ignoring them were a Fabray tradition, the only thing her mother ever taught her.
I..I don't understand. Why is Rachel not fine? She hates crying in front of any of us. What did you do?" Marcie can hear the soft sobs coming from the closed room and even though she wants to go to Rachel, she needs to understand why the young doctor in front of her, the one possible person who could save Rachel's voice has also suddenly become the cause of her grief.
The answers are on the tip of Quinn's tongue, "I made her life hell.", " I called her horrible names because I needed to feel superior", "I was a bitch and took every opportunity to prove it to Rachel." Each statement correct individually and accurate overall. "Trust me. She won't want me to be her doctor."
"If she does, will you reconsider?" The question throws Quinn, not because she's not sure of her answer but because she doesn't even think that it's a possibility. "Yes, but…"
Marcie cuts her off again, her quick words so like Rachel that Quinn has to blink to confirm that it's not her. "Dr Young said you were the best and Mr. Llewellyn, yes, the Chairman of the Board of Trustees recommended you. They said you cared, that you took all available measures to protect your patient, that you treated the patient as well as the disease and that's what she needs." Her voice thick with tears now as she stares at Dr Fabray, before blinking them back. The young doctor could only nod, encouraging her to continue.
"We've sent her file to so many doctors. Some insisted on knowing who they were consulting for, others just gave cursory input, confirming the worse without even understanding the impact of their so called diagnosis. We need someone who cares. She needs someone who cares." She wipes her tears before entering the room, hoping that she can convince Rachel because a world without the voice of Rachel Berry was a world incomplete.
#$#$#$#
She can hear the blood rushing through her ears and Tina's distant harsh voice but all she feels is numb. The encounter sending her so off kilter that she's transported back to a time she'd tried so hard to forget.
"Why don't you like me, Quinn?" The question takes all of her courage but she hopes in knowing the answer, she can change the trajectory of their paths. Only Quinn never did answer the question, the cold liquid corn syrup drenching her being the only response the blond deemed she deserved.
"She's gone. Just breathe in and out, ok. I've got you and when Marcie comes in we can see where the doctor is or we can just get you home. Whatever you need." Tina's voice is so soothing that Rachel finally feels the warmth of her arm as she relaxes her grip on it.
She feels the wetness on her cheek and realizes she's been crying but isn't really surprised. "Going home sounds good but..I need to do this. I've tried to hide from it and we both know this is the one thing I can't run away from." She looks up, dreading the sound of the door opening but exhaling when she sees that it's her manager.
"I'm fine" Marcie's raised eyebrows causing her to restate her case, "I'll be better but it does not detract from the fact that I still need to get my consult, from the Specialist you and Mr. Llewellyn so kindly arranged for, regardless of how I feel emotionally. So please tell me the doctor's outside."
"The doctor's name is Quinn Fabray. Do you still want to go through with this?" Marcie sees her words hit Rachel like projectiles but miraculously, she does not fall instead, her eyes shut as her fingers again curl tightly around Tina's arm.
"She's still there? She..She still wants to do the consult?" She sees Marcie nod her head. Rachel's never believed in karma because she'd witnessed so many wrongs that had never been made right but she has to think that she's the one who's different now. That she's stronger than that sixteen year old girl in Lima and because of that, she can face Quinn and whatever she would throw at her. Hell, she needed someone who would tell her the truth about her condition and not worry about her feelings and the Quinn she knew would do that with relish.
"Ok"
End Part 2
My Future In Your Hands
Keep Holding On
There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do
there's no other way when it comes to the truth so keep holding on
Avril Lavinge
Quinn stares at the door, willing it to open but dreading it all the same because she knows that whatever decision Rachel makes will affect her whole lot more than it will affect Quinn. When it does finally open, it does surprise her that Marcie steps aside, allowing her room to enter, should she actually have the courage to do so.
She sees Tina staring at her, a guarded expression on her face. Her eyes finally meeting Rachel's and it's only when she sees Rachel nod imperceptibly, does she enter.
She walks towards the couch and takes the sole chair facing it as Marcie and Tina sit on Rachel's either side, a protective gesture made all the more obvious when Tina angles her body as if to block Quinn's direct line to Rachel.
She knows she does not need to introduce herself but what she does need to do is show that she's here to help and her skills as a doctor has to outweigh any reservations Rachel or Tina has about her past sins. "I went to Harvard and then to John Hopkins. I was accepted into the Intern program at New York Presbyterian and after a few years found what I wanted to specialize in. I'm an Attending there now double boarded in ENT and Plastics. I've done research on subepithelial microflap resection focusing on isolating the lesions while preserving.." her voice trails off as she sees Rachel's eye widen with fear and realizing she's made a rookie mistake of using too much medical jargon.
"I'm researching surgical techniques for nodule removal that can improve post operation recovery but surgery is the last choice and 95% of the time, it's not needed because there are other therapies that work and other avenues to explore. I'll go over your file with you and highlight some things I've discovered and then we can discuss what you want to do next."
It all feels so surreal to Rachel that she pinches the inside of her arm and the pain she feels actually indicates that Quinn Fabray, is really sitting before her, offering to help her, possibly cure her and all she can think of is when she'll hear the sneer in her voice or feel the cold splash of liquid hitting her in the face. She sees Quinn look expectantly at her and knows it's her turn to speak.
"I..I've tried.."Her voice trailing off as she feels her throat convulse involuntarily. Rachel can see Quinn staring straight at her and it takes all of her will power not to look away because she's Rachel Berry. She accepted her first Tony with a five minute speech that got her a standing ovation and not a dry eye in the audience. She's put up with megalomaniacal Directors, diva-offs with other lesser voiced singers and a bad public break up with her last serious boyfriend. "I've tried all the therapies and techniques. Drank tonics and herbal mixes that made me pee blue for a month."
Her eyes are averted now, not wanting to look at Quinn as she continues, putting voice to her fear at last, "I've breathed differently, talked at a different pitch, changed my diet, and held my head at an angle that seriously was not conducive to much of anything. And nothing's helped."
"Have you tried not talking?" Quinn wants to temper the question with a smile but realizes that it will be taken the wrong way when both Tina and Marcie turn to glare at her. Tina's hand now protectively held around Rachel's waist "To give your vocal cords time to heal. Sometimes it's really all it takes. I would however recommend an indirect laryngoscopy, just to make sure that the cells are not cancerous." She sees Rachel's eyes go wide as she shakes her head.
"Don't worry Rachel, It's not invasive." The name rolls off her tongue like she's always used it only she sees Rachel's face as the diva remembers that in truth, she's only used her name a handful of times and even then, only in contempt. "I'm..um.. I.."She's floundering as she sees Rachel stare back at her, her eyes unblinking, a look of disbelief on her face.
It takes all her willpower to not walk away as she addresses Marcie, "Does Ms Berry's contract allow her to take medical rest. Three weeks would be good but nothing shorter than fifteen days?" She takes out a notepad and scribbles on it, trying not to wince when Rachel answers instead.
"Yes, it does but I've never use it because I've never been that sick." Her work ethic has always been a source of pride for her and it rankled that Quinn expected her to just stop working. "So you can't just waltz in here and expect me to do everything you say, you're here to give me a diagnosis, an opinion, one of many and just because you're a doctor now, it does not give you any power to tell me what to do, to tell me how to live my life. You don't get to have any power over me." She's breathing hard, her voice harsh but losing steam at the end as she sees that as always, her words have no effect on Quinn Fabray.
She feels her heart rate pick up as she grinds her molars down, schooling her features to ensure that she does not react because she's not the patient here and Rachel's words are only fair. This cannot be about her even though she wants to apologize, to explain that she's suffered for it too. That she's tried her best to make up for every bad word and every bad thing, real or imagined that she had done. "It's the one therapy you haven't tried so please consider it. This is a prescription for a steroid inhaler just in case and I'll see you in two days at the hospital." She gives the paper to Marcie and stands up, her hands in her pockets as she says a soft goodbye, only registering Marcie's response back before she swiftly makes her way out of the clinic.
#$#$#$
"Say something" Rachel's been silent the entire ride back to her apartment that Tina's almost sure that she's not recovered from seeing Quinn, despite her words at the end. "Or don't say anything because maybe you should take the advice." Tina's voice goes soft as she waits, hoping for the Rachel to react.
"I'd hoped she'd be fat." The words eliciting a laugh from Tina and a sigh of relief and it makes Rachel smile. She had people who loved her and cared about her, Her life was so close to her thirty year plan that she always thought that all her trials and tribulations in high school was necessary to get to this point. She can trace each action taken in reaction to each experience good and bad leading her to her dreams. She would give anything to continue on her chosen path but she knows deep down that it may really be out of her reach. She's played Maria winning her first Tony for the West Side Story Revival. She won her third with Oklahoma and knows that there's already talk of an Evita Revival because Sir Andrew Lloyd's Webber wanted one last big production under his belt.
She can hear Marcie on the phone with Mr. Llewellyn, trying to get more information about Dr Quinn Fabray. It shouldn't surprise her that if she managed to make her dreams come true, Quinn would also succeed in her own way. She had clawed her way back to the top after Beth's adoption and never really looked back, ruling the school until graduation.
"Ok, I'll tell her. Thanks." Marcie hangs up and stands before Rachel, trying to gauge her mood, not wanting to broach the subject and cause her to cry again but knowing that she owes it to Rachel to always look out for her. "She's really that good, top of her class at John Hopkins and she's won something called a Lasker award for clinical research. It's like the medical equivalent of a Tony award. He says he trusts her with his life and she saved his granddaughter's ear and hearing when she got into an accident."
Again, Rachel cannot reconcile the Quinn she knew with the information she's receiving or her encounter earlier in the day. "So you think I should take her advice?" She's never sounded more unsure and it breaks Tina's heart to see Rachel flounder but she knows it's her duty to be honest.
"Yeah, yeah, I think you do. At least until we can find another doctor, I think you owe it to yourself to do everything you can." She sees Rachel nod and prays silently that she's right about this because she knows how much Rachel had been affected by Quinn in high school.
#$#$#$
"Come on, don't do his. Come on Josh, please." Quinn's speaking out loud, her entire being focused on the little boy on the operating table before her. He's been under her knife twice and she's always managed to get him through it. She can hear the monitors beeping and the nurses and pediatric surgeon move around her, trying to assist but she knows it's up to her as she tries to bring him back.
"Come on, sweetie, please don't give up. Please." Her voice takes on a pleading tone but it does not really register as she continues to stem the flow of blood from the little boy, only each time she thinks she's stopped it, another vessel ruptures. She does not give up though, ignoring all the noise and even shouting at Dr Evans when he finally steps back, as if he's given up. "No, you do not get to give up."
She can hear the flatline on the monitor but cannot force herself to stop as she continues to stem the blood flow even though she can see that it's not pumping out any longer.
"Do you want me to call it?" She hears the question and swallows, her throat suddenly dry. It would be so easy to pass the task onto Dr Evans but she can't shirk away from this, just like she won't leave it to him to talk to Josh's parents either.
"Time of death 3.23pm." Her voice does not waver and she nods at Evans before turning to leave the operating theatre. She strips off her surgical gown and gloves and walks towards the family waiting area. She sees Josh's parents and hates the fact that at that exact second, they realized all at once that their son was no longer with them. Despite trying her best, she just was not good enough to save him.
"I'm so sorry. He was so brave but the growth was to invasive and …he was so brave." She can feel the tears forming and blinks them back because it's not her place to grieve at least not yet. "You can see him…if you want. I'll get him ready." Her voice breaks on the last word and she bows her head waiting for the well deserved wrath to descend upon her.
She's surprised then when the mother pulls her into a hug but she still does not cry.
#$#$#$
Rachel looks at her watch and hurries down the corridor, her hat pull low and still wearing her sunglasses. She had finally decided to come alone, not wanting to call attention to herself and needing to take responsibility for her condition. She had called the theatre and taken the medical leave and in a couple of hours or so, she'd find out how serious her condition really was.
Marcie and Tina both had wanted to accompany her but she also needed to prove that she was strong enough to face Quinn because if she couldn't even do that, then what chance would she have with facing the possibility of losing her voice.
She sees the office number as scribbled on Quinn's note and she knocks on the door but does not hear anything so she enters. The room is bright and there are pictures on the wall, at first she thinks that they are generic ones only to recognize scenes from her childhood, the old church down the road from her house and several of McKinley High interspersed with scenes of New York.
She wants to look at them but is distracted when she hears a sound intimately familiar yet completely unexpected. Like the pictures, it transports her back to high school, time spent hiding in the girls bathroom, crying her eyes out.
She looks around and finally pinpoints the sound as coming from the inside room. It's raw and personal and Rachel feels like she's intruding even though she has really done anything. It reminds her that despite her own problems, there may be other people who hurt more than she did and it finally spurs her to act as she knocks softly before opening the door, prepared to offer comfort if she could.
"Can I…." Her voice trails off as she sees Quinn Fabray head in her hands as she leaned against the far wall, sobs ripping through her body. She sees Quinn's head rise and their eyes lock.
End Part 3
My Future In Your Hands
The Only Exception
"You are the only exception; you are the only exception…."
Paramore
"I ..I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude..I'll um …" Rachel suddenly feels embarrassed as she turns her head away, when she sees Quinn's face tinge further red. Seeing Quinn this way was shocking not only because she never expected Ice Quinn to be so emotional but also because she felt like she needed to do something, offer comfort of some sort even if she knew deep down, it would not be accepted.
"I need a minute, please, just give me a minute, I …" Quinn's taken by surprise at the intrusion, never expecting it to be Rachel as she takes a deep breath and pleads for time. She swallows her fear because she cannot appear vulnerable, especially not to a patient, especially not to Rachel. She's done this countless of times before, picked herself up and moved on, not expecting help or consolation and this time, it's no different.
Rachel's and Quinn's voices overlap, each trying to gauge the situation they've found themselves in. Quinn reacts first as she pushes herself forward, her arm swiping at her tears as she walks towards her desk, head kept low, not wanting to look at Rachel Berry until she's able to compose herself. "Just go through to the door on your right. I'll call one of the interns to start with the cursory exam and I'll be there to do the laryngoscopy." She prays silently that for once, Rachel will listen but as usual, the diminutive star does not.
"If..if you want to reschedule, it's ok, I can come back." Rachel had only seen Quinn cry once in High School and it was after news of her pregnancy broke. Even then, the cheerleader had done so after Glee practice, holding back her tears as best she could throughout until the very end. She had pushed away any offer for help even then and eventually ran to her car. Vulnerability was an anathema to the blond and Rachel always felt that her own naked show of emotions made Quinn uncomfortable and was one of the reasons she had been her target.
Quinn hands curl around the edge of her desk, her knuckles white as she forces all her emotions down, pushing all thoughts away in her mind, as she focuses on the issue at hand "Please just go to the room and I'll arrange for everything." She can hear the plea in her voice as she bites her inner lip, nearly drawing blood. She cannot afford to show emotion, she's not the patient here and should not draw attention to herself. She hears Rachel's soft ok and releases the breath she had been holding.
She quickly calls for one of her residents before grabbing Rachel's file and going over the simple procedure in her head. She holds the file like a talisman, focusing on it instead of Josh's death. Rachel's her patient now or at least is currently in her care and she needed to do her best and hoped that it would be enough.
#$#$#$
"I am such a big fan and I know I've said that a few times but it's so true. And I think you were robbed of that Emmy. There's no way Miley Cyrus is a better actress than you." The young doctor examining her had not stopped talking since she entered the room and Rachel did not have the heart to stop her. Anyway the constant chatter was a welcome distraction from her own problems.
"I can't believe Dr Fabray remembered. I mean I know she's brilliant and really nice but this is so amazing." Dr Lee had nearly said no when Dr Fabray had called to ask her to do the topical examination but was so glad she hadn't.
"Remembered what?"
"That I'm a big fan. I mean I only told her when I saw she had tickets to your show a few years back and she never said anything or I thought she didn't hear me, you know."
Before Rachel could probe further, she sees the door open and Quinn enter the room and she almost does a double take because Quinn looks so put together that the breakdown earlier seemed even more unlikely. However, Rachel's been in the business for so long that she can see the newly applied make up and the eye drops that still could not cover the puffiness around Quinn's brown eyes.
"Dr Lee can you please present patient's history and your findings so far." Quinn does not look at Rachel, instead focusing on her resident and the symptoms being described.
"Ms Berry has soreness in her throat, slight voice change according to her. Her mouth is sometimes numb and she's been tired the past few months but her schedule has been packed." The resident smiles and shakes her head at Rachel as if does not approve of Rachel's packed schedule. "She also has slightly swollen glands which is endemic of professional singers sometimes."
Quinn bites her lower lip, a habit since high school as her mind puts together a diagnosis that she does not like. She knows she needs to be certain though as she prepares the mirrors for a closer look. She can see Rachel staring at her from the corner of her eye but she's determined not to look at Rachel until she can be sure that she won't see any sympathy in her eyes.
The examination goes by relatively quickly as Quinn expertly sets up her equipment, maneuvering the mirrors and the scope to get the view she needed. She feels Rachel's throat convulse under her fingers and she tries her best not to show any expression when she notes that the nodules have grown bigger than was indicated in Rachel's scans. They had grown much faster than normal nodes which did not bode well. She cannot control Dr Lee though as the woman's eyes widen as Rachel looks on.
"Rachel, it's going to be over soon and I'll go over next steps with you." She finally looks at the brunette, as she removes the last of the scope. Her hands slowly feeling the sides of Rachel's neck taking note of the slight swelling as her eyes meet Rachel's wide ones.
She had seen Dr Lee's expression and intuitively knows that it can't be good news. Coupled with the heat from Quinn's hands on her neck and her detached voice just made it feel all too real that she was really going to lose her voice. She always knew that it was a possibility when she first felt unwell but it never felt real until now.
Rachel had always been brave with her emotions, never hiding them away, never thinking that they made her weak. Instead she used them to fuel her, throughout school and even when she faced rejection starting out in her career, the tears and anger made her want to do better except here, now, when she looked at Quinn, all she felt was fear. Mind numbing fear which paralyzed her and made her want to ignore her predicament and latch on to something else.
What she needs is for Quinn to be mean to her, to take on her past role because this new reality meant that she was really here and facing the possibility of not singing again. She does not know much about this new Quinn but she does remember that Quinn never liked to show weakness in front of anyone and there were no exceptions. Her voice is hoarse but the words are clear."Why were you crying in your office?"
She sees Quinn's jaw harden at her words but she needs to try and get some semblance of control back in her life even if it came at the expense of pushing Quinn into her old role. She trusts her memories of the old Quinn and cannot accept her new persona.
"That's really not relevant here, you need to.." Quinn can see that she's afraid but her words are cut off as Rachel continues.
"You don't know what I need so don't presume anything. What I need if to have this be a nightmare that I can wake up from. " Rachel sees Quinn wince at her words but she pushes on, "What I need is to know that I'll be able to sing like always, that this soreness can be cured with rest and antibiotics. What I need is for you to promise me that everything will be fine. Only that's not really going to be the case is it?" Rachel turns to Dr Lee because the unexpected hurt she sees in Quinn's face is too much to bear.
"Dr. Lee, can you go and run the tests on the sample I took." Quinn's voice is curt as she hands the sample to the young resident. "Go. I'll finish up here and discuss next steps with Ms Berry." She urges, her voice taking on a kinder tone as she sees the young resident stuck under Rachel's unwavering gaze.
She waits until she hears the door close shut before she speaks, knowing that she has a choice to make and she cannot distance herself from this if she wanted to help Rachel and make up for all her past mistakes. "I…I was crying because I lost a patient today. His name is...was Joshua Gardner. Josh was six and he wanted to be a fireman. I've operated on him twice. Only I couldn't save him today. I just wasn't good enough to save him."
It's not the answer Rachel expects or to hear the emotion in Quinn's voice, low as if deep in thought. "I'm so sorry for everything I did and said to you in high school." The apology is also unexpected.
One of the first things Quinn learnt growing up was that promises always came with caveats, her father's promised love only if she didn't disappoint him. As an Intern she learnt never to make promises to patients or to families sick with worry. Because no matter how good she was, things happened that were beyond her control. However, right here, right now, all she wanted to do was to give her promise to Rachel.
"I know I've never given you a reason to trust me but I'm asking you to do that now and in return, I promise that I will do everything I can to make sure that we protect your voice. There's research still being done and alternative treatments. " She takes Rachel's hand in hers, trying to convey both her regret of their shared past but also a promise to be different in the future. It's a big burden to carry and she's scared she's not good enough but medical science was built on miracles and breakthroughs and she prays that Rachel as always, will be the exception.
Rachel's still afraid but the conviction in Quinn's voice jolts her out of her paralysis as she slowly nods when she feels Quinn's hand tighten around her own. "Do I still need to rest my voice? As you know, I'm relatively high maintenance and need to communicate often and express myself in order to ensure that I am in touch with my fans and I still have to do interviews and publicity for the show."
Quinn smiles for the first time since she entered the room, a genuine smile that matches Rachel's tentative one. "Yes, it's still good to rest it and I hear texting is making a comeback and you can always do print interviews. Take the break Rachel, and we'll wait for the tests results to come in. In the meantime, I will find alternative treatments."
"Ok, I'm off for the next two weeks and I guess you'll call when the results come in?" It's not an overt agreement of friendship but a start as Quinn takes down Rachel's phone number and gives hers in return.
"Yes, I'll call." Quinn walks towards the door, not even turning back when she hears Rachel's final words overlap with her own whispered ones.
"I'm sorry for hurting you before."
"I'm sorry about Joshua."
End Part 4
My Future In Your Hands
One
Well it's too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
U2
The minute Tony hears the key in the lock; he jumps off the couch and pulls the door open, words already tumbling out of his mouth before his wife can kiss him. "Thank God you're home. It's 10pm and she is driving me insane, this is the fourth list she's compiled. Four lists of things she wants to do in the next fifteen days, most of which she can't do and.." He sees Tina's eyes widen and his voice takes on a resigned tone. "She's behind me, isn't she?"
He feels the tap on his shoulder and turns around to see Rachel staring at him, her arms akimbo, and mouth open to say something before she realizes that she has taken a vow of silence and all that comes out is a huff of breath that still manages to indicate her utter frustration. Instead, she grabs for the pen hanging around her neck and looks around for a notepad, one of many scattered around her apartment. She scribbles the words quickly, tears off the note and hands it to him.
"I know it's not fun for you either." Tony' voice takes on a conciliatory tone as he reads the crumpled paper in his hand. "But it's only been two days and you can't keep writing lists of things you want to do." He quickly stops her hand from writing another note; "especially if a number of them involve using your voice."
Rachel's shoulders slump as she feels Tina guide her to the sofa to sit down, her head finally resting on Tina's shoulder. They were never that close in High School as Tina gravitated more to Mercedes and Kurt. It was only after graduation that they found themselves both accepted to Julliard without having to compete since Tina had chosen to major in dance. Helping each other through freshman year created a bond that was finally cemented when Rachel introduced Tina to her future husband.
"I know this is hard but you're Rachel Berry, you spent so much time training your voice, working your craft so you deserve a break. And you need to realize that this is just as important so we're here for you even if you revert to your diva stage" Tina sees Rachel reach for her pen and scribble another note, this time taking her time to write down each word before passing it to her.
"You're welcome and it's in the car." The words soothe Rachel as she lets out a soft sigh. Her note for Tina had not only thanked her and Tony for their love and support but also highlighted that she knew she could be a pain but despite everything, she appreciated what they were doing for her and she would try and relax although being Rachel Berry, that would possibly have to entail chocolate of some sort; which thankfully Tina thought of by her last comment.
She closes her eyes and sighs again, wishing that this was all one big bad dream and she'd come awake at any moment but she feels the dryness in her throat and acknowledges that the soreness she has been experiencing never really went away although it does feel a bit better.
She would never admit it out loud but perhaps Quinn was right and she needed to trust the doctor to do her job even though it was difficult not to remember the past. However Quinn was still surprising her when she received a text message yesterday morning and another today, informing her that she was working on alternatives and that Rachel could text her about any questions she had.
Rachel had been tempted to text back her thanks but it was still difficult to think of the Doctor Quinn Fabray as being different from Head Cheerleader, Quinn Fabray. In her mind, she still could not as yet distinguish between the two, deep down terrified by the fact that people don't always change, reverting back to their old selves.
It was unsettling to think of Quinn as her doctor and even more so as a friend of some kind. Thoughts like that in high school got her slushied almost every day and she does not think she can be that open again. Dredging up her past was not something she usually did but in this instance, it reminded her that she made it through stronger and she didn't have to be afraid of texting Quinn back.
'Thanks for the text. So comfort chocolate is still ok? R'
She's surprised to hear her phone chime a few minutes later and even more surprised when she sees it's another message from Quinn. She opens it to reveal the few words which elicits her first real smile of the whole day.
'I know keeping silent is probably driving you crazy so indulge in some chocolates but no alcohol. I'm still working on those alternatives Good Night. Q'
She finally looks up at Tina and smiles again realizing that she had changed and so had Tina so perhaps Quinn had as well.
#$#$#$#
The noise in the bar is still manageable and she's sitting at the far end of the bar, away from prying eyes and with enough privacy to take the call she is expecting.
Quinn finishes the drink in front of her and signals the bartender for another. She hates the fact that in this instance, there is no difference between her and Russell Fabray. That she's using alcohol for liquid courage as much as he would use it to just get through the day. She hears her phone ring and contemplates not answering it for once although, as always, she gives in because she knows who is calling her.
"Hello." Her voice is soft and her eyes close as she hears a similar greeting over the line. Shelby's voice sounds the same it did all those years ago and for the first time, Quinn recognizes the similarity in tone to Rachel's.
"How is she?" These monthly calls had started four years ago when out of the blue Quinn received a call from a Private Investigator hired by Shelby requesting if Quinn was amenable to a meeting with her. She had refused at first, not wanting to drag up memories of the past but in the end, she needed to know that Beth was alright, her mind thinking the worse. It hadn't been as dire as Beth's health but somehow, the little girl had been teased in school for not only having no father but also for being adopted and therefore unwanted. She had been called names and told not to go to church because she wouldn't be welcomed there. Beth had asked about her mother then, if she really hadn't been wanted and if she could go somewhere else besides church.
Quinn hadn't realized she had been crying until Shelby pointed it out. She hurt for the daughter she did not know but also felt the guilt of doing the exact same thing when she had been in school all those years ago. In the end, she had agreed to share some of her experiences with Shelby and hear about Beth's life such that if or when her daughter finally asked about her, Shelby could provide some information and maybe set up a meeting if Beth wanted it.
It was difficult to hear about first concerts, book reports and grades but Quinn always understood that she had made the correct choice and in taking the calls, she was just ensuring that she would be there if Beth ever needed her regardless of her feelings of loss.
"She's good, really, really good. She had her first solo in Glee Club this week. She picked Defying Gravity." Shelby's voice is tentative, like she wants to ask a question but cannot formulate the right words.
"Ok, so why don't you sound happy. Is she being teased again? With Carmel's reputation, I thought Glee club members are not at the bottom of the food chain." Despite her protestations in high school, glee had been the one bright spot for her and she hoped that it could link her to Beth.
"No, she really is doing well. It's just that she's growing up and I'm being over protective and I think I'm pushing her away. She asked about you again." Shelby hears Quinn's intake of breath. "She doesn't know I've been in touch but I think she'll want more information."
"She knows enough." The words roll off her tongue as her hands tighten around the glass before she takes another gulp and feels the burn of the alcohol down her throat. She had known that this was always an option but she's not sure if she's strong enough to do it.
"Quinn, I don't want her to meet you either." Shelby's frustration comes through, "But she's stubborn and smart and she'll find her own way. Just think about it. We're going to out to celebrate her solo. Tell me your answer next month." Shelby doesn't say good bye as she disconnects the call as well as the tentative link between the two mothers, only Quinn still doesn't know if she'll ever feel like one.
Quinn signals for another drink as she stares at her phone, slowly scrolling through the calls and texts she had made and received, finally stopping at Rachel's number used this morning. She hates to revisit her past, only doing so when she had no other choice. It had been a polarizing experience of highs and lows, of winning Nationals and giving up Beth, of becoming head cheerleader again and bullying Rachel on a daily basis. All experiences intertwined making her who she was today. Only she still isn't sure if she's good enough for Beth or to be Rachel's doctor.
She's so lost in thought that she doesn't notice him until he speaks. "Hey, fancy meeting you here." Charlie places his arm around her shoulder as he talks into her ear. "So does this count as calling me." He smiles at her, reminding her of their shared past before handing her his drink. "You look like you could us this more than me."
Quinn stares at the drink and the implied invitation, knowing that it'll be easy to accept and not have to think about Beth or Josh or Rachel. She could for one night try and do her best to forget. It wasn't like she was reverting to her old persona but just once; she wanted to not have guilt weigh her down.
Quinn smiles back at Charlie as she reaches for the drink only to hear her phone indicate a new message. She feels his arm tighten around her shoulder as he signals to the bartender for the bill. She's not sure why she feels the need to check the message but she does.
The question is simple and Quinn can picture Rachel aggravated by the need to stay silent and looking for any outlet. It sobers her enough to remember her promise to the brunette. She may still think that she needed to make up for her past and that she still was not good enough to save Josh or meet Beth, but the least she could do was to find the alternatives she promised Rachel.
She has no trouble disentangling herself from Charlie's grip as she types back a message before paying for her drinks much to Charlie's chagrin. "Quinn, I thought we were going to, you know..." He smiles is lopsided and he looks at her, wanting her to say yes, knowing she's worth it.
"Sorry Charlie, I really need to get some work done back at the hospital." She does not tell him that she'll call because she's not sure that she would but she also does not leave him hanging as she leans in and kisses him on the cheek. " You really are a nice guy and someday you'll make someone very happy."
She waves goodbye as she turns, still managing to hear his last words despite the noise in the bar.
"So will you."
End Pt 5