i'm drowning in my own emotions

Sep 13, 2004 21:48

wow, can my "subject" be anymore EMO!?

okie so i presented today in my economics class for that one huge project. fun fun fun. mr. wolfe said i got an a :) i'm happy. brett better be fucking happy, i did the whole damn thing for him. besides, thanks to sami he's the reason why i was able to present it today. which is pretty sad considering the fact that my own brother could have easily helped me out, but of course he decided to be an asshole and not help me.

whatever though.

my mom found out from my brother that he was told by my own father to keep an eye on me because of the car. fucking dick. he doesn't trust me. so far my brother is against me. my whole damn family doesn't trust me. and it sucks. i realli dont want to live here anymore. i'm seriously always crying when i get home. i just dont want to be there. i'm sorrie if i've asked you all if you wanted to hang out, but its only because i couldn't stand being at home.

whenever i walk around my house i know that this whole move was because of me. because of my fucking ass to fuck around with casey fucking jarvis. and know what? he was the only guy at del mar my freshman year. so does that consider me a slut? no, i think not. why? because sluts FUCK! i didn't! i fucking regret me even getting into the shit i did. i regret me smoking, drinking, having sex. but its like the only way that i could survive this whole experience.

i've been told that families actually want to adopt me after they see the scars on my wrists. my scars, are m memoirs of the past, and how bad it was. but because they healed, so did most of my problems. however those specific problems have healed, the others have not. the relationship with my brother is still non-existant. we're still having major money issues even if my mom is working.

i constantly feel guilty every time i ask my mom for money. i only have $148 in my savings. i had $900+ when i got with derek. but because my mom lost her job and we were never realli able to do the things we wanted, i went into the account and paid for a lot of the things that i have now-a-days. most of the clothes, i paid for. tomorrow i'm getting clothes because they changed the dress code which pisses me off. i can't believe how much they are restricting mainly girls. what the fuck.

whatever though. i'm ready to get a petition together.

i dont know what it is, but i'm completely emotionally fucked over. like i keep thinking all those bad things that i would think about before. like suicide. i dont want to do it. but i still think about what if i tried one last time. and it saddens me... deeply knowing that i can't get this one simple thought out of my head. and it sucks. its all i think about now. especially in class. i feel so stupid compared to a good number of my peers. sometimes i feel like i should just get up on a desk and shout about how i feel now. how the people around me feel. i feel like i constantly have to compete for guys attention, and even then i'm lucky enough to even get a "hey"... but most of the time its either to the girl behind me or they wanted to copy my homework.

whatever though :| its something. isn't it? but it doesn't necessarily mean that i'm... getting attention for who i am right?

wow, i just had a fat walk down memory lane typing that. i remember when i was in the 6th grade, after my birthday party, i had received nearly $200 and i lent it out to people in my class because i wanted them to like me. i bought them the gummy worms we were selling for a fundraiser for the CA THAYER field trip that we were going to take... i was used by them. i was never reimbursed(sp?) or anything. they used me for the money and totally wasn't my friend when i ran out... and what did i have in the end, nothing.

nothing, wow, thats a big word. a lot of definitions and indications that can be used through out one's life. especially mine.

i'm seeing all these people either getting together or are together. and i have no one but friends. but not many friends. i dont have any guys that have me as the apple of their eye. no one. =[

i haven't held a guys hand knowing he wants to hold mine for a while. i haven't kissed a guy knowing that he cared in a long time. i haven't truly believed a guy that he loved me for an eternity. maybe i should just drink a gallon of bleach and call it a life.

too many nightmares now. most of which are consisting of the same thing, i wake up in a cold sweat knowing that something of that magnitude affected me. flashbacks of when i was 2 and 5 and 15 and 17. i still remember everything. i wan't it all removed. i wish the memory thing in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" was actually available and true. i'd do it in a heart beat. i dont want to remember anything anymore. everything is so negative and that negativity are the shackles and balls n' chains that constrict me from doing what i want to do. from saying what i want to say. and from being the person whom i wish i could be...

maybe i should do the bad things that my mind tell me.. its the only way. its the key to everything. its the key to the locks...

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