Shedding

[jolly_rodgette]

Sometimes i wonder if you know that i know what you dont want me to know....other times i know that you dont care. It's this knowledge that kills me....to know that you dont care at all about what we've gone through together...to throw it all away like that, like i dont matter. I dont matter to you, it didnt take me long to figure this out. I am

Comments

[fareme]

I don't really know where to start.
So I guess I'll just be blunt, like you're blunt here, and come out with how I feel of the situation.
I am not sorry in the least that I didn't tell you. I am not sorry that I avoided your acusations. I am not sorry that I denied it to your face.
Why? Because it's my business. You are the one that made me hide it Mija. If I knew I could come to you in confidance and in trust that you would support me and my decision, as I support you and yours, I would have. But through the proccess of thinking about telling you or not, you made it so obvious that you /were not/ supportive in more than ONE way (that not being the way I was going.) and in fact came off more threatening about the situation.
I can't honestly remember any time that I haven't supported you no matter /what/ you chose with no chaste and no foul words on how your decision turned out. The only thing I've ever done to deter you in any way is to warn you to watch out for yourself. Maybe to you this is not caring. Maybe you care more forcefully than I do. I really don't know, but I'm guessing. I /chose/ not to tell you, because a) you obviously knew already, and instead of leaving me alone about it, and letting me keep my silence with the knowledge you already had, you dogged on after me and snapped at my heels until it drove me nuts.
And I do remember everything we've been through. And that also makes me remember that you're pushy when it comes to me.

*sighs*
I remember a long time ago, when you had cats all the time, you used to tell me that you had to let the cats (or dogs, or whatever animals) had to come to me, and that I had to wait and be patient.

For once, Mija, for once in my entire life, I wish I could feel equal with you. But I never have, and I realize I never will. You will always be the tall, imposing, all-wise one, and I will always be the coward, the weakling. Through all of our friendship, I have always treated you as my equal, and I have always seen you as my equal. I have never been dissapointed by the decisions you made. I have never reprimanded you anything, and I hope I have never made you feel guilty for anything you did. But you work differently than that, for some reason. You make my bussiness yours, and it seems you always have a bias on what choices I may have. And that bias is what kept me away from you this time.
You say your love is limitless, and so is mine. Maybe I don't know how to love you back, and maybe you don't know how to love me. Maybe we don't know how to love eachother. Who knows.
But I for one know I accept you wholly for who you are, no matter what you do.
I don't know what else to say. I suppose this is another one of those times that we back off from eachother, because we're changing, because life is changing. You always mourn this change, but I don't think I ever have. And I never really thought about it that way before now, to be honest. Maybe we just need to accept whatever changes we both went/are going through, and learn once again to work around them.
I dunno.
If you want to go far away, I won't stop you. I don't want to hurt you, and it's never my intention to do so, wether or not you believe that.
Though yes, Mija.. you are dependant on me. You are dependant on how much you know about my life, and my bussiness. I don't know if this gives you a sense of closeness or what, but it doesn't work that way for me. You seem to start thinking like this every time I stop talking to you about my everyday stuff, for whatever reasons I have, and then it always turns into something like this.
I really do wish our friendship could be a little more relaxed. I can remember times when it was. When we didn't need words so much. I kind of miss those days, but anyway.
Like I said, you go where you need to go. I am truely sorry that I hurt you.. again, it was not, and never will be, my intention.

Re:

[jolly_rodgette]

it is strange, isnt it...the apathy.... You are so right in many ways, Kel...and so wrong on who i am and how i am towards you in many also...i never repromanded you, and i did tell you to be careful, and yes, i did know... maybe the way you percieved it was criticism....was anger and all those negative things...i never once said..."if youi do this, i will hate you, and i will think poorly of you"....all i wanted was the truth, simply because i had known for a long time, i thought after 14 years, the truth was enough....i was angry that you hadn't told me, only because i could have helped you, in whatever decision you made. I am proud of you, for your decision...very proud, to be honest...sorry for you, but proud. You did what i think was the right thing, though painful and something i could never face. ...anyways, none of that matters to me anymore...you say that i pushed you away, so be it....my bad. I'll always love you, beefry....always....nothing can change that...the tears i've shed tonight were definately mournful ones, not for myself this time, but for you, though i cant reason why i cried. I know you dont need me like i thought you did....like i hoped you did...i'm the type that needs to be needed....and you just dont need me anymore...i feel like a mother kissing her son off to war, knowing fully that he is a grown man, and that he can fend for himself, and is going to die. I'm in a very hard place right now...on the brink of extreme adulthood with stresses and uncomforts...you were my last comfort, and so what if i need you? so what? Why not need you? you have been there all this time, this was just another time i thought i could turn to you...i strangely dont care anymore. I hope things work out well for you. i just know that you're right about the changing....i do mourn it, because i lose a piece of me every time, and in the long run, as i've been brutally learning all my life, all i have is myself. This is not your fault, and maybe i used to be dependant, but i am not anymore.....the only reason i want to know so much, is simply because i know you block me out.... whatever, i dont even care anymore....seeyou when i see you. And by the way, about the cats....do you remember how you felt when they would not come to you?

I realize your situation is more dire than hurting me right now, i dont need you to be sorry. I have this life to live, and it seems to be taking off like a rocket, so i will meet you in the middle somewhere....i told you it would end up like this, and i'm really really sorry that it has. I didnt know then that it would hurt this bad, though i know i'm the only one truly aching over this in some strange place in my heart, yet the rest of me is numb....I will be there if you ever need me, you can deny that and say that i pushed you away as much as you want, and you dont owe me anything...who am i but another person out there? You're right, it is your business...i guess i saw you as more a piece of me than i am to you, and that's alright...difficult to accept, but alright....

Re:

[fareme]

No, you would not have been supportive. At least not in my eyes at the moment, which were at the time nothing but frightened and stressed because of the situation, because I didn't want anyone close to me to know, really. Because I didn't want attention. Because I didn't want advice or pity or sympathy or anything else. Because I didn't want anyone to worry. Maybe I was cold about it, yeah. It hurt a lot, but it's something that, like all painful things, I desired to struggle through alone, or as alone as possible.
But anyway, while I was going through this, all I ever heard about your opinion on the situation was that whoever it was that was in said situation should keep it. That the alternitive was wrong. You seemed.. not quite hostile about it, but firm. I can tell when you have strong issues with something, or strong opinions, and this was one of those things. So I avoided it completely, because I didn't want your retribution, or to have you try and talk me out of it. I didn't want any of that, from anyone.
I don't know what else to say to you. You say I don't need you, and I don't know how to feel about that. I don't really have a feeling about that.
You're right though, in a way.. I don't NEED you. You're my best friend, and you're always there. You don't need something you already have, if that makes sense. Just because I may not need you, I may not rely on you and depend on you, I don't see how that takes away from our friendship. Friendship isn't based on wether or not you NEED that other person for something, it's based off love, plain and simple, on whatever level.
*sigh* I dunno how to explain things to you..
You really are my best friend Mija. And I do love you, and you are important to me. You are not just 'another person out there'. You are Mija. Chicken Teriaki.
And as for needing me, need me then. If you're having problems and you want to talk, call me. If you need to cry, call me. If you need to laugh, call me.
But don't say you need me, when all you really want is for me to need you. I don't like needing people. That was a lesson I learned when Ed died. That people leave. That things change and sometimes you have to stop needing someone, because they just can't be there, for whatever reasons. If I need you Mija, if I need you for support I KNOW you'll be there, and I have always known, but there are times I won't seek that support, for my own reasons, and I would hope you would respect that, as you've done the same with me.
This doesn't have to be the 'end' of anything. I'm not treating this as some dramatic seperation. It was a misunderstanding. Maybe it was a mistake, on either or both parties. But whatever it was, it's not some huge seperation crap. We're not married. We're not romantically involved, we're not together in any sense that this should be treated as it's being treated.
You're not kissing off any sons to any wars. And just so you know, I don't block you out, and there's no reason you should think that. I've been hiding for the past three months, granted. So yeah, I did block you out in some regards to deal with this situation.
But.. whatever. I've said my peace and if you still want to go, then go.
But to be honest I'm perfectly willing to just forgive and forget, and let the situation go.