Too long, don't read, no one cares anyway.
I feel very disconnected from LJ, along with everything else in my life. I feel like no one reads this anymore, and like none of my friends update... I know that's not true, 'cause I still read everyone's posts, but I don't know. I just feel lonely.
I feel lonely everywhere. At school, I'm alone unless it's a class with James. I have no friends, I feel like I'm the only person at my intellectual level (like in English), and I just walk around feeling weird and sad and lonely. I don't hang out with my friends anymore, I'm not sure why. But I don't. I don't feel like doing anything ever. I don't hang out with my roomies either, except like, a few times we go get food, or the once in a while when we watch a movie or play a game. It's sad, and everyone's mad at me because of it, but I just... can't work up the motivation to do anything. Like literally anything.
Everything just feels so pointless. I want to do all these things, but at the same time, I just don't see the point. Why bother trying to save the world? No one deserves it. Everyone is mean and petty and stupid. Why bother being a feminist or a vegetarian or whatever, because it's all futile and ridiculous. Nothing ever changes, and I don't even know what I believe anymore.
People annoy me a lot. I feel bad, because it's often people I love, but eventually the rage just builds up throughout the day - the people in English class, the stupid people who can't drive, the things that James says that accidentally make me mad, and then someone in our house leaves a pot of food on the stove - and then I just lose it. I don't know. I'm angrier than I used to be, I think.
I'm sadder, too. I've been so depressed lately, so lethargic and miserable and I just want to cry all the time. I don't do the things I like, I don't even read or write anymore... I just sit around and watch TV because that's all I have the energy for. I don't know what to do, I don't have money for therapy or a doctor, and I don't even know what's wrong. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I want, or what I like... I don't know anything.
Sorry for this, guys. I'm just feeling really bad, and I don't know how else to channel it. I feel like a bad girlfriend, a bad roomie, a bad sister/daughter, a bad friend... I just feel generally anti-Erin right now. I don't know. Sorry.