In other news, Sherri and I watched a movie and were political today.

Aug 19, 2008 18:40


I miss James.  I didn't get to talk to him last night because I was asleep already when he called.  I know it's only been a day, but yesterday happened to be a pretty bad day... I dunno.  And I'm kind of annoyed that he was drinking last night.  Already?  Seriously, you can't find anything else to do?  -_-

Maybe that's why I'm so whatever about his NY friends.  I feel like we're better because we can have fun without alcohol or drugs or whatever, but he likes his NY friends more.  And Jesus God in heaven, it pisses me off to no end that he likes to drink.  It drives me flipping INSANE.  I can't stand the thought of him drinking.  I can't wrap my mind around the idea that people LIKE to do this to themselves.  And it just makes it worse that it's James, someone I love so much and respected so much... like Aeron.  I just... I just really don't have any respect for Aeron anymore.  I love him to pieces, but seeing what he's been devoting his time to in the past three years... it just makes me sad.  And it makes me feel like we're not even friends anymore.  Sherri and Karen and I are perfectly content to spend a night playing Life and watching a movie - does that make us any less fun that your friends who drink and smoke all the time and go out and ~party~ and do stupid things?  Why aren't we good enough anymore?

With James it annoys me because 1) it's just something I have an issue with, 2) he said specifically that he wouldn't stop if I asked him to, hypothetically, and 3) he is so much smarter than that.  He has too much more potential as a person to be wasting his time with pot and alcohol.  I'm afraid it's going to tear us apart.  I'm afraid he won't quit and it'll be too much for me, or he will quit and will hate me for it.  More likely the former.

What is even more likely, though, is that I will be the cause of us breaking up.  He can't deal with my craziness.  He doesn't want to be holding me together all the time.  But he's all I've got - I know he hates it, but it's true.  I can't talk to my family, I have lost Kelsey, I've mostly lost Aeron, Sherri doesn't talk about serious things, Karen doesn't really either.... I don't know.  I have my internet friends, but since they're not around in person, it seems less... I don't know.  But my internet friends do help a great deal.  More than anyone else in my real life.  ^^;  <3

I want so much to marry this guy.  I want him to be it, the one... I can't imagine life without him.  I don't even want to think about a future without James.  But I'm so scared that he will leave me because he can't handle my mind.

And I don't really blame him - I can't even handle my mind.  The irrational fears, the paranoia, the paralyzing phobias... the thoughts I can't get out of my mind, that haunt me for days or weeks, for no reason.  The depression that makes me just want to sleep forever, and not take any calls, and not go anywhere.  The anxiety about everything: calling people, people yelling at me, someone somewhere hating me, not doing things right, new things, germs, losing people close to me... panic attacks, hypochondria, the eating disorders.  My skewed body image.  I don't even know.  The only times I feel safe in my own head are when I'm with James or asleep.  I'm slightly OCD, in that I have a few things I HAVE to do or else nothing else is right, things have to be in a certain order or even or in the right place... it's hard.  And it's harder because no one really understands.  I can't talk to anyone.  None of my friends really take me seriously, and my family... it's just awkward.  So I have no one to talk to but James, and he doesn't really get it and he doesn't want to be the only one.

I can't afford a therapist.  I can't even afford the doctor or a chiropractor.  More to the point, I couldn't ask my parents to let me see a therapist.  I'm scared of confrontations, of people judging me, of letting people know too much about me.  People scare me.

I'm never going to get married.  No one is ever going to want to be with me forever.  James doesn't even know if he loves me or not.  He might want to be with me now, but what about in a few years?  What will I do if he leaves me?  I don't feel confident, or loved, or pretty or special or good enough for anything.  I'm not good at anything, I've got no talents or achievements... and it's really hard when people tell me how life is supposed to go.  You have to work at crappy jobs, you have to go to school, you have to find the right person.  Well, what if you're so terrified of people disliking you or yelling at you that you can't work at a crappy job, you can't answer phones or take orders or deal with complaints?  What if you can't get into colleges, or you don't have any money - and before you say scholarships, what if you didn't get any?  I didn't get any scholarships!  Thanks for rubbing it in my face!  I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH, OKAY?  I DIDN'T GET ANY.  LET IT GO ALREADY.  And about finding the right person... what if they're the one for you, but you're not the one for them?  What if they don't want you forever?  What if you're not as important to them as they are to you?  What do you do in these situations?

I know none of you probably read that, and it's really freakin' long... but I really feel like I am absolutely losing my mind.  I'm scared to be alone, without something to do, because I'm afraid of my own thoughts.  And I've been so depressed lately that I worry myself when I'm alone.  But at the same time, it's so much easier to just be alone in my room staring at the ceiling than out with people, trying to act normal.  I'm drowning.  I don't know what to do or where to turn... so thanks if you have ever tried to help me out, or if you actually care about me and stuff.  I really appreciate everyone on my friendslist.  And if I get cut from a bunch of yours' because I'm too much, I understand.  No hard feelings.

life, kelsey, i am ridiculous, crazyfest, fail, karen/irishlove, friends, teh intranetz, sherrilove, aeronlove, i am actually insane, everything sucks, emo, rant, college/job/money, family, jameslove

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