Don't even bother.
So I just spent the last hour trying to watch the 6th episode of How I Met Your Mother, but instead, I got yelled at for pretty much everything that's ever happened, starting with two CDs that got messed up and so I threw them away. I was not aware that I was the sole reason for every problem our computer has ever had, because I download music. I don't even know what happened - she just went off on me for nothing. -_-
She also mentioned that I am not a decent human being, a disrespectful child, and "not normal." And she laughed at my anxiety issues, told me I need to stop being so sensitive, and once again pointed out how I live at home/don't have a job/don't have my own car/am not in school. Thanks. I really needed all of that brought to my attention, 'cause really, when do I ever think about any of that?
I wish I could talk to her like a normal person, but she turns everything into an attack or a criticism. She doesn't know anything about me. She has no idea what is happening in my head, how fragile I feel all the time. She doesn't realize that everything she says tears me up a little bit more. I already feel like I am going insane, like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone, and now I get to feel like my own mother doesn't even love me. She doesn't care about my feelings, she doesn't want to do anything for me.... I don't know. It sucks.
And off topic of my mom, but on topic of my crazy feelings, when James and I had that big fight, I guess it made him think about us and whether we're right for each other and whether it's worth it or not. He said that he wasn't sure if he loved me, but he knows he likes being with me and that I make him happy... and he said a couple of things that basically said "you're really hard to deal with because you're crazy." It's not a good feeling, and I don't know what to do about it. I wish I could see a therapist and maybe get some sort of medication so that I could function normally, but I don't have any money. And I clearly can't ask my parents to help me.
I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to go to HGTC, 'cause I don't have tax returns from 2007. I have to call them and sort it out... I don't know. God, I hate calling people I don't know. I hate using the phone. -_-
James is in New York by now, probably having a lot of fun with his better-than-MB friends. I'm not entirely sure why I feel so sad that he is from somewhere so totally different (and better) than here, and sort of jealous of his NY friends. I don't know. Crazy, I guess.
I don't even have anywhere to go if I wanted to run away. I don't have a car to live in, or a place to stay, or any money to live off of, or anything. I guess I could sleep in the park. >_>
They don't think I wish I was normal, too? My mom doesn't think that I wish my life was different? She thinks I want to be stuck in this house, broke and worthless and going nowhere? Does she really think I'm enjoying it?
Sometimes I really honestly feel like just ending it all... but I don't even know how to do that.