Five Things Sexuals Can Learn From Aces
I've been aware of the existence of asexuality since high school, but my initial reaction to it as a sexual was, "OK, some people don't want to have sex. Whatever floats their boat, it has nothing to do with me." I was partly right: whatever floats your boat is OK, of course. I was wrong about it having nothing to do with me. The funny thing about sexual identity is that it's invisible: I had no way of knowing if someone I cared about was ace. In a broader social justice sense, too, marginalization of one group affects us all, and me more than most since I'm a sexual minority myself. If I'm to be free to not be attracted to men, then asexuals ought to be free to not be attracted to anyone.
Not only that, but I found that all of us can learn a lot from the asexual community. Here's what I've come away with.
1) The role of intimacy in relationships.
Romantic asexuals go on dates and have relationships without ever having sex. When I first learned about this, I thought, "OK, so a romantic asexual and hir partner hang out, are very close, and don't have sex. How is this different from just being really good friends?" But as I went on to find out, it is different. Everyone's idea of romance is different, so I'm not going to say that because I don't give my best friend roses on Valentine's Day and don't take him out for candlelit dinners and walks on the beach, that means our relationship isn't romantic. There are plenty of romances that don't have any of those things either. Neither is it that romance is about sharing your life with someone and friendship isn't. I know that my best friend and I will be together until we're old and gray (unspecified deities willing) and talk to each other about absolutely everything. The difference is intimacy. Even though I share everything with my best friend and we're committed to each other for the long haul, we're not intimate, not in the way a romance is. A lot of sexuals would say that the difference between a best friend and a romantic partner is sex, but asexuals can teach us that this isn't true.
2) The difference between crushes and squishes.
A squish, for those who may not know, is an emotional and/or intellectual infatuation and fascination with someone, accompanied by feelings of wanting to be closer to that person and, sometimes, jealousy toward other people seeking that person's attention. Basically, it's much like a crush, but without the sexual aspect. Sexuals can have squishes too. I could have avoided a lot of confusion, self-doubt, and awkward situations in my life if I'd understood that the squishes I had on people were not, in fact, crushes. I'd thought that since I was so fixated and emotionally wrapped up in the person I had a squish on, that meant I must, deep down, want to have sex with them. Not true, and sexuals and asexuals alike can spare themselves a lot of trouble if they realize this.
3) Libido does not have to be directed toward people.
There are plenty of asexuals who have a sex drive, but it's not directed toward other people. I'm not referring to bestiality or those "object-sexual" types, either: as one really good White Collar fic put it, they're not attracted to nouns. This helps dispel claims by people ignorant about asexuality that if you masturbate, you can't be ace. Similarly, the sex drive of sexuals isn't necessarily directed toward people 100% of the time. Sometimes you just want to direct your sex drive toward yourself, even when you have a sexual partner, and that's completely OK.
4) Romantic and/or sexual relationships are not intrinsically more valuable than relationships that lack sex and/or romance.
This, for me, is perhaps the most important lesson. When denying that they're in a romantic and/or sexual relationship, people often say, "Oh, we're just friends." When they want to change a friendship into a romantic and/or sexual relationship, they say, "I want to be more than friends." This is bullshit. It's not only insulting to aromantic folks, saying that they'll never have a relationship as fulfilling as yours, but it does harm to all people. Friendships and familial relationships can be just as deep and important as romantic relationships, if not more so. Having sex does not magically make your relationship more meaningful. This is just as important for sexuals to know as for asexuals. Personally, my relationship with my best friend is more important to me than any romantic relationship I've ever been in. A romantic relationship, too, is as strong and meaningful as you make it, regardless of the sexual activity within that relationship or lack thereof.
5) Anna Karenina is wrong.
The first sentence of the classic Russian novel Anna Karenina reads, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Too many of us believe that there is only one way to be happy. Asexuals are constantly told that they can never have a happy and fulfilling life because they don't have romantic and/or sexual relationships. This is wrong. I know it's a scary thought, because if there's no prescribed formula for happiness, that means you have to figure it out, and that's not an easy journey. There are so many different ways to be happy, and we each must find our own.
Thanks to yamx for reading this post first to make sure I was understanding my asexual concepts and hopefully minimizing any possible offense. If you want to learn more about asexuality, visit the AVEN website.
Not only that, but I found that all of us can learn a lot from the asexual community. Here's what I've come away with.
1) The role of intimacy in relationships.
Romantic asexuals go on dates and have relationships without ever having sex. When I first learned about this, I thought, "OK, so a romantic asexual and hir partner hang out, are very close, and don't have sex. How is this different from just being really good friends?" But as I went on to find out, it is different. Everyone's idea of romance is different, so I'm not going to say that because I don't give my best friend roses on Valentine's Day and don't take him out for candlelit dinners and walks on the beach, that means our relationship isn't romantic. There are plenty of romances that don't have any of those things either. Neither is it that romance is about sharing your life with someone and friendship isn't. I know that my best friend and I will be together until we're old and gray (unspecified deities willing) and talk to each other about absolutely everything. The difference is intimacy. Even though I share everything with my best friend and we're committed to each other for the long haul, we're not intimate, not in the way a romance is. A lot of sexuals would say that the difference between a best friend and a romantic partner is sex, but asexuals can teach us that this isn't true.
2) The difference between crushes and squishes.
A squish, for those who may not know, is an emotional and/or intellectual infatuation and fascination with someone, accompanied by feelings of wanting to be closer to that person and, sometimes, jealousy toward other people seeking that person's attention. Basically, it's much like a crush, but without the sexual aspect. Sexuals can have squishes too. I could have avoided a lot of confusion, self-doubt, and awkward situations in my life if I'd understood that the squishes I had on people were not, in fact, crushes. I'd thought that since I was so fixated and emotionally wrapped up in the person I had a squish on, that meant I must, deep down, want to have sex with them. Not true, and sexuals and asexuals alike can spare themselves a lot of trouble if they realize this.
3) Libido does not have to be directed toward people.
There are plenty of asexuals who have a sex drive, but it's not directed toward other people. I'm not referring to bestiality or those "object-sexual" types, either: as one really good White Collar fic put it, they're not attracted to nouns. This helps dispel claims by people ignorant about asexuality that if you masturbate, you can't be ace. Similarly, the sex drive of sexuals isn't necessarily directed toward people 100% of the time. Sometimes you just want to direct your sex drive toward yourself, even when you have a sexual partner, and that's completely OK.
4) Romantic and/or sexual relationships are not intrinsically more valuable than relationships that lack sex and/or romance.
This, for me, is perhaps the most important lesson. When denying that they're in a romantic and/or sexual relationship, people often say, "Oh, we're just friends." When they want to change a friendship into a romantic and/or sexual relationship, they say, "I want to be more than friends." This is bullshit. It's not only insulting to aromantic folks, saying that they'll never have a relationship as fulfilling as yours, but it does harm to all people. Friendships and familial relationships can be just as deep and important as romantic relationships, if not more so. Having sex does not magically make your relationship more meaningful. This is just as important for sexuals to know as for asexuals. Personally, my relationship with my best friend is more important to me than any romantic relationship I've ever been in. A romantic relationship, too, is as strong and meaningful as you make it, regardless of the sexual activity within that relationship or lack thereof.
5) Anna Karenina is wrong.
The first sentence of the classic Russian novel Anna Karenina reads, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Too many of us believe that there is only one way to be happy. Asexuals are constantly told that they can never have a happy and fulfilling life because they don't have romantic and/or sexual relationships. This is wrong. I know it's a scary thought, because if there's no prescribed formula for happiness, that means you have to figure it out, and that's not an easy journey. There are so many different ways to be happy, and we each must find our own.
Thanks to yamx for reading this post first to make sure I was understanding my asexual concepts and hopefully minimizing any possible offense. If you want to learn more about asexuality, visit the AVEN website.