right now
I'm just so lonely right now. I don't know why I just feel so incredibly empty. I mean I know we all decided I have no soul... not to mention the five ovaries, which I still don't understand, but right now I think I truly feel soulless. If that makes any sense, I just feel empty. I know I'm being repetitive but I don't know how to explain it. I mean ... I don't know. I don't think I've felt this blah in a long time... and well *sigh* I've gotten past that scary depressing dangerous point in my life, but sometimes it comes around and attacks again. I hope this isn't one of those nights, I don't know how much will power I have to withstand it again. And my spasms are coming back at me full force, wish I knew what caused them. I guess this is just one of those nights when I realize how empty my life really has been. It's kind of funny, my parents always thought I had so many friends, I always talked about so many people and what not ... I've never had any friends. It's kind of sad to think about, I mean no offense guys, but I've never had any really good friends I trusted. I have one right now and things there tend to be semi complicated. We all know I can easily divert a conversation to talking about me, but usually it's all superficial stuff... I've never really had any one I can get past the superficials with. My life has never really had a point to it either. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even in college. If it's to please my parents or because it's what I want. I know what I love, I love English and History and I love to learn but is it enough to support me being in college and doing so poorly? I don't know, I guess it's just bothering me because I've never had any real impact on anything, my life has always been mediocre and when I had friends doing something worthy or important with their time I've been sitting on the sidelines pretending like I mattered. I never have, and I know people might argue with me because well that's what people do, no one ever admits that someones life has been completely pointless even if everyone knows it's true. I've never done anything to serve the greater good, I've never made any difference through volunteering or donations, the closest I've come is one day spent on site at a Habitat for Humanity project. I loved it, but never got myself involved after that. I've never had any good friends or any really purpose and now I'm spending my evening sitting here playing pointless video games on my computer because I have no one to talk to and no one that understands me. It's ok though cause I know no one is really going to read this. Maybe they will but my sense of dullness and uselessness won't keep them around for long. Let's just hope tonight isn't as bad as the rest. I feel so lost and alone right now. I should be used to it, but I'm not.