I Found Myself in You
Title: I Found Myself in You
Author: jojothecr
Fandom: Queer as Folk
Pairing: Brian & Justin
Summary: Future, Brian's POV
Disclaimer: Showtime & Cowlip
Beta: positive_pat
Author's Note: My first QaF fiction... Thank you much Pat & Amanda!
Feedback: Any feedback is welcomed, just... don't bite me, ok?
I Found Myself in You
Justin you have shown me what I have never known, didn’t want to know, and have never believed in. You have changed me and everything in me.
I love you Justin.
I know that I’ll never tell you this because as hard as it is for me, it’s easier to feel it than confess it.
I tried so hard to fool everyone around me that I couldn’t see that the only person I was fooling was my self. You don’t know how much it frightened me when I realized that I couldn’t let you go as easily as I thought or wished I could have. It is still so much easier to keep it all inside me than to tell you how I feel, although I can see how much you want me to.
I can’t do it. Not today.
I may be able to tomorrow, or maybe in a year. Maybe one day I’ll look at you, see the soft smile playing on your lips and the light in your eyes, and I’ll tell you, “I love you, Sunshine.”
But I can’t do it yet, not now. For now it will stay the way it is and I’ll keep driving you mad and crazy. I’ll keep on causing you to hate me, love me and desire me. I’ll keep on making you cry, laugh, shiver and moan. I’ll keep on hoping that you’ll stay, because you understand and you know even if I don’t tell you.
“I don’t believe in love,” I had said once. “I believe in fucking.”
You remember it, don’t you? I remember the pain in your eyes, materialized in tears, which you tried so hard to keep back, unsuccessfully. You turned your head away from me and I could see the tears rolling over your nearly childish cheeks. I knew I had hurt you. I am sorry now.
Truth is that I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to see you cry. I certainly never wanted to see you cry because of me.
I think maybe you’d like to know that back then, I sent Mr. Good Fuck away and spent nearly the whole night starring out of the window. But then again maybe you don’t care. Do you remember it rained that night? The raindrops were pattering on the windowpane, making the sidewalks glisten ‘til the gray morning. I think about that night and it seems like a century ago.
Justin at the time, I really did believe in what I had said. I didn’t know what love was and I never knew it. You could object and you’d be right saying that I loved Gus since the first moment I saw him. I did. But it’s so different, you know?
I love him because he is my son. My responsibility is to protect him and love him. I want him to love me back, but not because he has to but because he wants to. I want him to love me for the man I am as you do.
Sitting on the bed early in the morning, I watch the sunlight coloring your face. It is softly pink, calm and wrinkled from the pillow. Your breathing is steady, just like your body and I realize it’s probably only now that you look so peaceful, because you can’t just sit still for a while when you’re awake.
The times when you are drawing, I love to watch you while you’re watching me, so highly concentrated you copy my being in lines on the paper. There are to many drawings of me hanging on the walls of our bedroom. There’s a new one nearly every week, but you don’t allow me to take any of them down.
You use me instead of wallpaper. I am standing by the window smoking a midnight cigarette. I am sitting on the floor reading a book. I am sleeping; completely naked but the writing of the sunrays. I am in the shower, on the computer, eating an apple, leaning against the kitchen unit. There are drawings everywhere of me starring back at you…
Did I ever tell you how much I adore your talent?
I look better in the crayon now. Even though you are an honest artist and never miss a line in my face. There are four more since the time you drew me for the first time. Remember? Your mom nearly had a heart attack when she saw it.
The beginning wasn’t easy for either of us. Now I’m like a walking cliché. I steal glances over you, while you sleep and don’t know it. I watch the sleep taking control over you and I watch the changes upon your face when the dreams fade. I steal moments of your life when you can’t see me.
Sometimes I still want to believe that I can have everyone and anyone anytime I want. Maybe I could. But the truth, which I’ve never wanted to believe, is that I don’t want to have anybody else but you.
Your hair in the color of ripening wheat, eyes as purely blue as the evening sky and six simple letters portraying your name now mean the whole world to me.
I love you for teaching me how to love and I hate you for the same. I am weak now; afraid I’d loose you. Afraid I will. I’m sure I’ll open my eyes one day only to realize that this whole experience was only a dream. You were a dream.
Aren’t you?
I reach out to touch your hand, placed on the pillow near your head. I can feel your hot breath warming my skin, before your fingers curl around mine instinctively. I curl up to you, pressing my whole body into yours, stealing your warmth and your youth. I hold you tight, tighter than is necessary, causing you to nearly gasp for breath.
“Brian,” you say quietly, speaking against my shoulder.
Your soft voice tells me that it’s okay. You’re here. You stay. You’re not leaving. Tells me it’s okay to be scared, because it belongs to love.
You know me too well. You know my need to hold you. Feel you. Breathe you in. I never say a word, but you understand.
I can never let you go. I’m sure I’ll die if I ever do and still I’m convinced that you’ll leave me one day, because I’m a jerk so talented to fuck things up.
You said once that I am your hero, because I had saved your life when the asshole had bashed your head. The asshole, that helped me to understand what you really mean to me. Well, you are my hero for dealing with me.
I am not an angel. I’ve never pretended to be. But you have found things inside me I didn’t know I own. You saw me better in your eyes and you changed me for the eyes of the world. You broke the walls, which I had built up around me and re-built new ones to protect us both and our little world.
Everything had changed.
“How long have you been awake?” You ask, wrapping your arms around my shoulders and pressing your leg between my own to get our bodies even closer.
“Just a second,” I whisper back, afraid to break the spell of the warm morning if I’d speak louder. It’s so beautiful so soon in the summer.
“Liar,” you laugh gently. “I felt your eyes upon my skin.”
I smile into your hair. I know you did. You can feel everything that I do or what I feel. In particular what I decline to say.