A Memo to the Fairer Sex

Oct 25, 2004 23:29

As some of you may know I am single (that's right, ladies!). But before you think about courting me here are a few things that I expect from a potential mate:

  • You must cook me a delicious, nutritious dinner every night. The meal should be three courses, not including dessert and must be fresh. One thing I don't need is a parade of leftovers, I will eat only food that was prepared by you that night. You will begin preparing the meal immediately when you get home from work and have it ready by the time I come home from the bar, drunk and angry. While I eat you are to take a shower and wash the filth of working and cooking off of yourself in preparation for love-making.
  • Love-making is to take place every week night following dinner and will consist of you felating me to climax while I watch a porno that I made with my ex-girlfriend and your grandmother. When this process has run its course you are to get me a beer and go immediately to bed. I will pass out on the couch or, if not fully sated by the oral sex, I will stumble into the bedroom, wake you and drunkenly stab at you with my penis until I pass out atop you.
  • You are not to move me or disturb my sleeping body in any way despite any discomfort you may feel as a result of being crushed under my dead drunk weight.
  • You are not to have friends. You may consider my friends your friends and serve them drinks and food when they come over.
  • You are not to talk when my friends are present unless called upon to do so (for instance, if I were to ask you, "where's my beer, bitch?" you may then report the location of said beer).
  • You are not to enter the room my friends and I are in unless it is to bring beer and/or food to myself or to one or more of my friends.
  • You will address me at all times as "Almighty Emperor JoJoFries, King of This Here Pussy".
  • You will perform all household duties in the nude.
  • Further, for non-strenuous duties, you will make use of a butt-plug.
  • You will, you will rock you.

Ladies, start yer courtin'!

-J. Fries
Previous post
Up
[]