Homeless Where the Heart is
The makers of Priest Beat! proudly present the latest in specialized magazine technology:
Homeless Quarterly is written by real hobos, tramps and street urchins who are paid in baked beans and used hypodermic needles. And since it is written by real homeless people you can count on accurate coverage of the things that matter TO YOU as a homeless person.
Whether you're looking for Vienna Sausage recipes, interviews with your favorite homeless celebrities or decorating tips for your home, Homeless Quarterly is the magazine for YOU!
Click below for a sample from our first issue!
HQ Sample
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With HQ you'll get great articles like this one:
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10 Great Places for Public Shitting
I've been homeless for a great long while now and I have shit in some of the greatest places in this blessed land of ours. I'm talking about America. America offers the homeless some of the greatest shitting locations in the world. I have compiled this list of the ten best places I have shit to get you started on your own personal shit journey. I hope it will be helpful. Now go out and claim your manifeced destiny!
My Shit-List
10) Los Angeles, California - Behind the Hollywood sign
9) San Fransisco, California - Onto a guy's chest who paid me to do it
8) San Antonio, Texas - Inside the Alamo
7) Boston, Massachussets - On the effigy of a leprechaun
6) Seattle, Washington - Everywhere
5) New Orleans, Louisiana - Off a balcony onto a police horse
4) Orlando, Florida - In the over-sized head of a park performer's Mickey Mouse costume
3) Washington, D.C. - In the National Cathedral in a confessional during confession
2) Niagara Falls, New York - In a barrel going over the falls
1) Atlanta, Georgia - On the runner behind me in the 200 meter relay during the 1996 Olympic Games
by Patches Merkerson
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HQ will keep you up to date with emerging market trends.
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Legs: Yay or Nay?
As a child I loved to run, jump, climb trees, skip rope. . .anything active. In those days my legs were a boon to me, providing me with hours of carefree enjoyment but these days I am beginning to have my doubts about them. Ever since a legless vet moved in on the corner of my block I notice I am getting fewer and fewer donations. I just don't seem pathetic enough when juxtaposed with ol' Legless Lemmy (who is rolling in it, by the way!). Most of the fellas I know tell similar tales. . .an amputee starts begging on your street and suddenly you can't afford to make your cell phone payments! So what can we do?
My first thought when Lemmy moved in and started taking clients away from me was that I should consider amputation myself, this is a tough business and you have to stay competitive any way you can. Amputation would have been fine but for the fact that the veins in my arms are all collapsed so I need my legs to shoot heroin. After much research I developed a plan and took it to my hobo colleagues. We would slit Lemmy's throat and leave him in the gutter with a note affixed to his corpse saying "Go home, No-legs!".
The plan worked brilliantly. My profits are pouring in once again and Lemmy served as a poignant example to the other no-leggers in the area. Nevertheless, leglessness is on the rise and tactics such as this may not work as our cities are overrun with the legless. We must lobby the Health Industry to research better, cheaper and more abundant prosthetics and amputation-reversal procedures. The time to act is now, before we find ourselves out in the cold!
by Shicky Wallace
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You'll also get great "How To" advice, like this article about removing CIA transmitters from your inner ear by Tin Foil Man:
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CIA, Project: Looking Glass./ .' HQ'. . .Homeless Quarterly or HEADQUARTERS? 2
by Tin Foil Man
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So what are you waiting for? Order now and your first issue of HQ will be on its way to your home. . .er. . .well, not your home. . .hmmm. . .
xoxoxoxoxo
-JoJoFries
Be sure to visit www.homeless.org so you don't go to hell.
Homeless Quarterly is written by real hobos, tramps and street urchins who are paid in baked beans and used hypodermic needles. And since it is written by real homeless people you can count on accurate coverage of the things that matter TO YOU as a homeless person.
Whether you're looking for Vienna Sausage recipes, interviews with your favorite homeless celebrities or decorating tips for your home, Homeless Quarterly is the magazine for YOU!
Click below for a sample from our first issue!
HQ Sample
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
With HQ you'll get great articles like this one:
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
10 Great Places for Public Shitting
I've been homeless for a great long while now and I have shit in some of the greatest places in this blessed land of ours. I'm talking about America. America offers the homeless some of the greatest shitting locations in the world. I have compiled this list of the ten best places I have shit to get you started on your own personal shit journey. I hope it will be helpful. Now go out and claim your manifeced destiny!
My Shit-List
10) Los Angeles, California - Behind the Hollywood sign
9) San Fransisco, California - Onto a guy's chest who paid me to do it
8) San Antonio, Texas - Inside the Alamo
7) Boston, Massachussets - On the effigy of a leprechaun
6) Seattle, Washington - Everywhere
5) New Orleans, Louisiana - Off a balcony onto a police horse
4) Orlando, Florida - In the over-sized head of a park performer's Mickey Mouse costume
3) Washington, D.C. - In the National Cathedral in a confessional during confession
2) Niagara Falls, New York - In a barrel going over the falls
1) Atlanta, Georgia - On the runner behind me in the 200 meter relay during the 1996 Olympic Games
by Patches Merkerson
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
HQ will keep you up to date with emerging market trends.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Legs: Yay or Nay?
As a child I loved to run, jump, climb trees, skip rope. . .anything active. In those days my legs were a boon to me, providing me with hours of carefree enjoyment but these days I am beginning to have my doubts about them. Ever since a legless vet moved in on the corner of my block I notice I am getting fewer and fewer donations. I just don't seem pathetic enough when juxtaposed with ol' Legless Lemmy (who is rolling in it, by the way!). Most of the fellas I know tell similar tales. . .an amputee starts begging on your street and suddenly you can't afford to make your cell phone payments! So what can we do?
My first thought when Lemmy moved in and started taking clients away from me was that I should consider amputation myself, this is a tough business and you have to stay competitive any way you can. Amputation would have been fine but for the fact that the veins in my arms are all collapsed so I need my legs to shoot heroin. After much research I developed a plan and took it to my hobo colleagues. We would slit Lemmy's throat and leave him in the gutter with a note affixed to his corpse saying "Go home, No-legs!".
The plan worked brilliantly. My profits are pouring in once again and Lemmy served as a poignant example to the other no-leggers in the area. Nevertheless, leglessness is on the rise and tactics such as this may not work as our cities are overrun with the legless. We must lobby the Health Industry to research better, cheaper and more abundant prosthetics and amputation-reversal procedures. The time to act is now, before we find ourselves out in the cold!
by Shicky Wallace
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
You'll also get great "How To" advice, like this article about removing CIA transmitters from your inner ear by Tin Foil Man:
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
CIA, Project: Looking Glass./ .' HQ'. . .Homeless Quarterly or HEADQUARTERS? 2
by Tin Foil Man
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
So what are you waiting for? Order now and your first issue of HQ will be on its way to your home. . .er. . .well, not your home. . .hmmm. . .
xoxoxoxoxo
-JoJoFries
Be sure to visit www.homeless.org so you don't go to hell.