Guide You Home *part six*
Pairing: DaeLo/BangUp/DaeJae
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.6K
Part Five
New Song!
He wondered if this was what dying felt like. When your heart beat so slowly inside of you that for a split second you were motionless, not a single blink or breath emanating from your body. When the mere thought of lifting yourself from your bed and being forced to pretend your soul wasn’t cracking into pieces inside of you wasn’t a better option than keeping eyes closed and lips shut tight.
Junhong wished for death.
---
“You okay, baby?”
Daehyun looked up at his mother and blinked as he tried to remember if that was the first time she had spoken to him or the tenth. “What?”
She smiled as he slid the bowl across the table to him. Soup. Still soup. “You’ve been distracted the last couple of days. Everything alright?”
If his stepfather was home she wouldn’t dare probe too deeply into his problems. They would sit silently and hope he went to bed early so they could watch TV together uninterrupted. Since he was away for a few days for work they had the house to their selves and he felt safe enough to let down his guard for a little while.
“No.” He stirred the soup and wondered what Youngjae was eating right now. Probably something that cost more than his entire outfit. “Not really.”
“Want to talk about it?” Her fingers in his hair was something that used to always relax him. He could remember nights spent trying to push himself further into the bed while the screaming grew louder and louder outside his bedroom door until they had fought themselves to exhaustion and she would tiptoe quietly into his room and sing softly to him as she combed through his hair. He would fall asleep knowing his mother was doing the best she could and that meant he had to, too.
Sighing, Daehyun pushed his bowl away, too anxious to eat. Every breath he took was sluggish and heavy, trying to drag him to the center of the earth. He rubbed his chest and winced, wishing the pain would ease up soon because he didn’t know how much more he could take.
“Can I ask you a question?” At her nod he took a deep breath and continued. “Were you and dad soulmates? My real dad?”
The look of shock on her face lasted long enough for Daehyun to regret asking the question. He had always tried so hard not to upset her because that was the last thing she needed.
“Why would you ask that?” Her eyes got the same faraway look they did every time his real father was brought up. The one that meant she was remembering how perfect her life once was before everything fell apart for them. “Daehyun, what’s going on? You’re worrying me.”
He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. The only thing he needed was a deep sleep and he would feel better in the morning, he knew he would.
“It’s nothing. I’m sorry.” His chair scraped the floor, the markings on the wood not even adding up to the amount of lies that had traveled through his lips. “Just something some kids at school were talking about. I’m going to bed.”
The walk from the table to his bedroom took centuries, each step growing heavier and his head pounding so harshly that he was out the second his cheek hit the pillow.
---
Junhong drifted in and out of awareness with the feel of fingertips in his hair and a rough cotton pillowcase pressed against a cheek that was faced towards the ceiling.
The roar in his chest beat to the sound of Daehyun’s name, each syllable thumping harder than the last.
He thought that maybe death might be too simple, too much of a coward’s way out.
After all, soulmates would only be reborn again to experience the next lifetime together. He didn’t know if he had the strength for that.
He wished for his soul to be eradicated from existence.
---
“He’s going to kill himself if he doesn’t eat, Yongguk.” Jongup watched the way Junhong’s eyelids fluttered and he hoped there was something happy going on in his best friend’s dreams. “It’s been three days and he hasn’t moved from the bed.”
“Mom thinks it’s the flu.” Yongguk pulled a lighter from his pocket and carefully waved it over the tip of the thermometer he had been ordered to bring up. “I can’t keep it up for much longer. She said earlier if he doesn’t snap out of it by the morning she’s taking him to the hospital.” Once it hit a high enough temperature he handed Jongup the lighter and turned to take the faked thermometer back downstairs.
Jongup sat on the edge of the bed and sighed when Junhong whimpered in his sleep. “I know, Junhonggie. I know it’s hard.” He picked up the clammy fingers in his own and squeezed them lightly. “He felt it. I promise. We all saw it. Just give him time.”
When Yongguk came back into the room it was with a package of crackers and a soda. “She said to see if his stomach is queasy and to give him this.” He ripped open the plastic and shoved a handful of crackers into his own mouth. “Maybe we should just tell them what’s going on.”
“He wouldn’t want us to do that.” Jongup argued, laying a protective arm over Junhong’s shoulder. “If he wanted them to know he wouldn’t have been keeping it such a big secret this whole time.”
Yongguk looked at his brother and reached for Jongup’s hand. “He’s not going to come out of this without Daehyun. That kid…” At the mention of Daehyun the color of Yongguk’s skin turned flushed and his jaw tightened angrily. “Junhong isn’t dumb. If he says Daehyun’s his soulmate then it has to be him.”
“But he showed us his-“
“You said it was dark.” Yongguk looked down at his boyfriend with hope in his eyes. “And if he’s anything like Junhong then he knows how to take care of them and keep them from being seen. I want to see his arms in the daytime. Then we’ll know the truth.”
Jongup didn’t want his friend to suffer any more than he already was but he also knew that Junhong would be furious at them for bothering Daehyun. If he really was Junhong’s soulmate then his home life was hard enough already without them interfering.
“After last time I don’t think Youngjae will let us get anywhere near Daehyun though.” He had forced himself to stay calm and keep back the night they had tracked them down. Youngjae had looked at Junhong with so much hatred in his eyes after Daehyun had hastily pulled his sleeve down and hid his eyes from them.
“From this moment on you leave Daehyun alone,” Youngjae had ordered, reaching behind him to grab the timid boy’s hand. “Himchan is one of my best friends and he likes you both but that won’t matter if you bother us again.”
Their heads snapped to the sides when Junhong moaned in his sleep, mouth dropping open in pain.
“Let me look for Daehyun again. Himchan is good with computers. He can figure out Daehyun’s address.” Yongguk let go of Jongup’s hand to pull his phone out. “Then we’ll tell my parents.”
---
When Youngjae showed up on his doorstep after supper, Daehyun’s throat tightened and he looked behind him anxiously even though he knew his stepfather wasn’t supposed to be home for a few more hours.
“What are you doing here?”
The blunt words had to have surprised him but Youngjae merely smiled sweetly and held his hand out for Daehyun. “I wanted to surprise you. Let’s take a walk.”
He eyed the arm reaching for him hesitantly but finally nodded and reached for his jacket. “For a few minutes. My mom doesn’t like it when I’m out after dark.”
They headed towards the park, somewhere Daehyun didn’t feel right going with Youngjae, even if he had managed to avoid touching him since they had left the house. It almost felt like guilt inside of him as they strolled down the crowded sidewalks and towards the less busy areas near the woods.
“I haven’t talked to you much in the last couple of days.” Youngjae didn’t look at him as he spoke, his eyes glued to the path ahead of them. “You’ve even been skipping lunch.”
“I’ve not really been hungry.” A rare truth made its way out. Even if it wasn’t the entire truth it was still close enough that Daehyun didn’t feel the tiny twinge of regret when he said it. “I just spent lunch up in the library trying to catch up on stuff I missed at the beginning of the year.”
Youngjae nodded but still looked nervous. It was only when they had entered the park that he finally reached for Daehyun’s fingers, pulling him close enough for their elbows to brush against each other’s.
“I’ve missed you.” He whispered, glancing shyly beside him to see Daehyun’s reaction.
That was when Daehyun realized he had messed things up. Again.
---
“We’re taking him to the hospital.” The determined voice had Yongguk and Jongup jumping to their feet from where sat and were trying to awaken Junhong. “He’s dehydrated and weak. He needs an IV.”
“No, no don’t take him yet!” Yongguk and Jongup were frozen as they watched them try to force a pair of shoes onto Junhong’s feet. It wasn’t until his mother brought out a heavy coat that Yongguk seemed to remember what to do. “Junhong found his soulmate!” Yongguk blurted out before his father could try to lift the heavy body from the bed. He jumped in front of his brother and spread both arms out to the sides. “Taking him to the hospital won’t do any good. Please just leave him alone.”
His mother took a second for the words to roll through her mind until they finally clicked and she slapped a palm over her mouth. “What? He found her?”
Yongguk lowered his arms but stayed where he was just in case they tried to get close to Junhong again. He knew there was no reason to have to protect him from their parents but once they heard the rest of the story there was no telling how they would react.
“He found his soulmate.” Yongguk looked at Jongup who nodded reassuringly at him from the other side of the room. “And was rejected.”
“Oh no.” Their mother gasped and tears filled her eyes. “My poor baby. That must have hurt him more than anything ever has before.” She reached for him but looked confused when Yongguk still didn’t move out of her way. “Why didn’t he tell us? If you knew this whole time why would you continue to make us think he was sick?”
Their father looked between Yongguk and Jongup with suspicion. “What else are you boys not telling us?”
He didn’t want to do this. This was Junhong’s life and he deserved to be the one to tell his story the right way.
“It got worse.” He finally told them. The blame piled up in his mouth but this wasn’t the time for guilt. Even if they should have been watching Junhong closer all these years. “The marks. They got a lot worse.”
He could see the widening of his mother’s eyes and he wanted to ask how they could have gone so long trying to ignore them. Junhong may have been a master at hiding them but they were always there burning through his skin and searing deep.
“That’s not enough to make you stand in front of your brother like a guard dog.” Now their father was starting to look agitated. “Tell us what we need to know so we can help your brother.”
Yongguk couldn’t speak the words no matter how hard he tried. To see their reaction would be the same one he would receive whenever he felt ready to share his own dark secret. His lips stayed parted and he looked again at Jongup for help.
“Junhong’s soulmate is a boy.” Jongup spoke up calmly as he moved to stand beside Yongguk. He didn’t add anything about their own situation because he could feel the terror rolling off of Yongguk and into his own nerves. “We think his name is Daehyun.”
“You think?” Yongguk’s mother trembled. “But Junhong isn’t…” She wiped at her wet eyes and glanced despairingly at her husband. “Tell them they’re wrong!”
Before Yongguk’s father could take over the conversation and try to talk sense into the two boys, Jongup jumped in again with an even sterner voice than before. “Junhong is gay. I know it for a fact and he’s just been scared to tell you. The only thing we need to talk about is whether or not we’ve found the wrong boy.”
“Were you two…” She trailed off and the two boys could see the disgust forming in her eyes.
Jongup wanted to grab Yongguk’s hand in his own and squeeze it to let him know he wasn’t alone no matter what his parents thought of them. But he knew Yongguk wanted to keep their secret for the moment so he stilled his body and turned the tension to the two adults in the room.
“Boyfriends? No. Junhong is my best friend and that’s all we’ve ever been to each other.” The relief in her slumped shoulders made Jongup sick. “We have to find Daehyun before Junhong gets worse.”
“I’m not letting anyone near my son unless I think it’s best.”
“Stop it.” Yongguk’s father surprised them all by aiming the sharp words at his wife. “If this Daehyun boy is his soulmate then keeping them apart just because you disapprove will only hurt Junhong more.” He drew his shoulders back and nodded at Jongup. “You two do what you have to do to find him. If Junhong isn’t up and moving around by tonight we’re taking him to the hospital so he can be checked out.”
He grabbed his wife’s hand and pulled her out behind them, ignoring her sobs as she took longer than he did to come to grips with this new information.
“Well that didn’t go as violent as we thought it would.” Jongup waited until the door was shut and the footsteps had faded away before drawing Yongguk in and wrapping him up tightly in his arms. “Your dad seemed to accept it pretty easy.”
“She thought Junhong was a monster.” Yongguk breathed in the unique smell of Jongup that he had gone so long without and let the comfort wash over him. “She’ll think I’m a monster, too.”
Jongup tried to lift his boyfriend’s face from the crook of his neck but Yongguk wasn’t having it. “Look at me.” He ran his thumb across the curve of Yongguk’s ear, pinching the lobe teasingly until Yongguk lifted himself to press their foreheads together. “She just needed more time to think, that’s all. Junhong’s going to be okay. We’ll find Daehyun and get everything worked out. And we’re okay, too. Nothing they could say or do will pull us apart again.”
Over the past few weeks he had learned that when they were alone Jongup wasn’t big on words. He preferred actions and slow, easy touches that could make Yongguk’s eyes roll back in his head one second or send him into a deep sleep the next. So for such a heavy promise to come out of his mouth Yongguk knew Jongup had to have meant it with everything he had.
“I love you.” He told him quietly.
With a smile Jongup murmured the words back to him, palm catching Yongguk’s cheek. “I didn’t think the first time you told me that would be in the middle of your sleeping brother’s bedroom. But nothing we’ve done so far has been normal so what did I expect.”
This time he managed to draw out a smile from the thick lips that he hadn’t had the chance to taste in three days. Worry over Junhong had consumed his bother and their own careful relationship had taken a backseat for the moment.
“Now let’s find Daehyun so we can make your brother as happy as we are.”
---
He could feel it. The moment that everything was lost to him. The exact second. It crashed down on top of his heart and swallowed him whole. Sparks and lightning shook through his body and he awoke with a roar.
---
Daehyun stared at Youngjae with parted lips and wide eyes. “What was that for?”
“I’ve been wanting to kiss you since the first time I saw you.” Youngjae’s formerly happy eyes were now furrowed and he looked hurt. “I thought you wanted me, too.”
He didn’t know what he wanted. He wasn’t sure what a boy his age was supposed to be fantasizing over. All he had was movies and books to go on. But he was pretty sure kisses weren’t included just yet. Daehyun wanted feelings. To feel at home, to feel safe, he needed to feel like where he was standing was the only place in the world he was supposed to be.
And he didn’t feel that way with Youngjae’s lips still tingling on his own.
“I need to go home.” Youngjae’s crestfallen expression would rack him with guilt later but right now he was burning alive and his throat was closing in on itself, choking him with regrets. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Youngjae.” He took off at a run towards his street and didn’t stop until he was a block away, hands on his knees and doubled over with vomit trying to escape.
“My brother is in love with you.”
Daehyun blinked in surprise at the boy waiting for him on the corner by his house. “Excuse me? How do you know where I live?” He recognized him as Junhong’s older brother. Yongguk? Yes, he decided, that sounded about right. Another unwanted memory of Junhong slammed into his brain and made the empty fist-sized chunk of his chest ache harder. “And you can’t love someone you don’t even know.”
Yongguk stared him in the eye, straight through his pupil’s and into the darkest, blackest reaches of his soul. “I believe him. When he cried all night the first time he saw you. When he mumbles your name in his sleep and reaches for you. I believe that he knows his heart better than anyone and if he says you’re his soulmate then it has to be you.” His head tilted to the side as he furrowed his brows in thought. “Junhong’s known since he was little that he was a soulmate. It was never a secret or hidden from him. But you…” Yongguk shook his head in pity and Daehyun felt the first stirrings of panic overtaking the guilt Youngjae’s kiss had shrouded him in. It coated his tongue and made his entire body thicken. “You were kept hidden away, and sheltered. And maybe you’re scared of it, of having someone who loves you so much, and that’s okay, but-.”
“Stop.” Daehyun took a step backwards and held his backpack to his chest. Something had to shield him from the boy who had no reason to know anything about him and yet did.
“Someone hurts you and I’m sorry.” Yongguk’s eyes dropped down to the sleeves hiding Daehyun’s arms. “That same person hurts my little brother, too. But right now the only pain he feels is the rejection from the one person he’s been waiting his entire life for.”
Daehyun bit down onto his tongue hard enough to draw blood. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know me and I sure as hell don’t know your brother.” He waved his arm towards Yongguk. “And he made me pull my sleeve up! He didn’t see what he wanted to see so why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
Yongguk stayed motionless, eyes tired but unforgiving. “I’ve lived with Junhong a long time, Daehyun. I know how to cover scars.”
The word jolted Daehyun to his core. No one had ever said that word to him, he’d only thought it over and over in his head a million times a day. Not even his mother had the nerve to mention them to him. The reality was tiptoed over like a dirty secret everyone wanted to pretend wasn’t there. He gripped his backpack tighter and blinked back tears because over his dead body would he give anyone the satisfaction of knowing how much that one single word could affect him.
“Let me see.” Yongguk’s voice was gentle and so much closer than Daehyun had realized. Fingers reached for his arm, prying it off the backpack that he was only a few weeks ago so proud of. It dropped to the ground between them and they both watched in silence as a tube of concealer slid out of the front pocket. “Show me your arms, Daehyun.”
The fight was gone from him, it was all over and he knew it as Yongguk carefully pushed the sleeve to his uniform up past his wrist, far enough to find what he was looking for.
“I think they’re horrible.” Yongguk told him, running the pad of his finger over the thin line circling his wrist, barely visible under the thick makeup. In the dark evening where Junhong had been so sure of his heart they had been too faint to see and Daehyun had sighed with relief when no one had noticed them. “Ugly and horrifying and every time I saw them on Junhong I wanted to cry because I knew there was some boy out there who was so alone and scared.” He pushed the shirt up higher to see the rest of the silver streaks that Daehyun never thought he needed to hide. “But Junhong is proud of them. They’re the only thing he has of you and as long as new ones appear he knows you’re still alive and that’s always been enough for him.”
“Please stop. Please?” Daehyun’s eyes were clenched so tightly shut that all he could see was bright flashes and explosions of color.
Yongguk ignored his cracked plea. “But they’re not enough anymore. He’s breaking apart and I don’t know how much longer I can hold him together. You’re what he needs now and you don’t even care that your soulmate is dying every day you’re apart.”
He finally pulled together the strength to jerk his arm away from Yongguk’s grasp. “How can he be my soulmate when I’ve never even know about him?” He demanded angrily. “I’m seventeen years old and I never once have I believed I had one. How is that possible, Yongguk?”
No matter how furious Yongguk had to be on the inside he never let it show. Even if all he wanted to do was throw Daehyun over his shoulder and storm home so that he could fix his brother he kept his cool because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he scared the timid boy away. Not when he was so close to finally making him understand. “Junhong’s never been hurt. That’s the only explanation I have. He’s always been cautious to the point of obsessive because he was so afraid of hurting you. But it doesn’t matter, because you do have one and I saw how you reacted when you met him. You might not have understood what the pull meant but you felt it.”
Daehyun remembered the way Junhong’s voice had rolled over his skin and into every pore. The memory of the dimples and bright smile that crawled its way into his dreams every night until he woke up damp with sweat and bursting with want.
“He scares me.” He whispered, covering his lips so that no more truths could escape.
“He loves you.” Yongguk corrected. “And even if you don’t love him yet he at least deserves a fair chance. Let him show you how amazing being a soulmate can be.”
“But my stepdad-“
Yongguk’s eyes narrowed as the dots started to connect in front of him. “He can’t hurt you anymore. Junhong won’t let him. None of us will. We’ll go to the police and you can tell them everything.”
He thought of his mother, alone and at his stepfather’s mercy. “No. We can’t survive without him. Mom doesn’t make enough money.”
Sighing again, because how long would it take Daehyun to figure this out, Yongguk leaned over to pick up the fallen backpack. He left the concealer. Daehyun wouldn’t need it anymore. “Being Junhong’s soulmate doesn’t just mean you gain one person. You have all of us now. My brother, me, our parents, even Jongup. We’ll take care of you, just come home with me so Junhong can get better first. He’s dying without you.”
Daehyun opened his mouth, but looking back later he couldn’t even remember if it was to agree or to spit out another excuse because something inside of him suddenly snapped. He had felt strange since the night he had let his arm flash for just a tiny second in the dark lighting of the street lamp. Spidery tendrils of doubt and numbness had injected themselves into his blood stream and he had tried so hard to push them away but they were too strong for him. As soon as Junhong had seen his unmarred skin a tremor had passed through Daehyun’s body and he’d felt disjointed ever since. A blankness permeated his brain and now that empty heaviness was starting to fall away letting in a tsunami of devastation.
“Something’s wrong.” He dropped his hands and grabbed for the grass growing in clumps between the sidewalk stones. His palms slid against them, the numbness extending over his shoulders and down into the tendons and fingers. “He’s…” Daehyun didn’t know how to describe the tumultuous roaring in his chest. “He’s exploding.”
He tried to look towards Yongguk when a burst of pain slivered over his skin, burning deep and hot through his wrist. Another flash of agony on the other side had him falling to his knees and reaching for Yongguk in terror.
“What’s wrong?” Yongguk shook him and pried at his drooping eyelids, trying his hardest to keep them open. “Daehyun! What’s wrong with Junhong?”
Daehyun didn’t know what happened to you if your soulmate disappeared from existence. He hadn’t even known about them until he was eleven and asked his mother why so many movies they rented were about searching for your one true love. Growing up knowing there was yet another special club he would never be invited into just gave him a reason not to ask questions, to never learn how they worked or what made them so special.
So he wasn’t sure if Junhong sending jagged scars, pink and shiny and new, right above his wrists meant they would both snap out of life at the same moment. The last tie bringing them together so that they could try again in some other lifetime. One final link to the other half of his heart that he hadn’t even known until now was missing.
But he figured he’d hurt his soulmate enough over the years and this was finally the moment he could be the one saving him.
“Go.” He pushed Yongguk’s hands away and shook his head. “I’ll slow you down. Go help him. Go!”
Yongguk looked at him in horror but he must have seen the determination to stay behind on Daehyun’s expression because he nodded and jumped to his feet to run the handful of blocks back home.
Before his eyes closed and he slipped into the blackness, he tried his hardest to send his very first message to his soulmate. One he should have passed on years ago.
“I’m here.” He whispered, thumbing across a deadly wound that would never bleed. “I’m right here.”
part seven
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.6K
Part Five
New Song!
He wondered if this was what dying felt like. When your heart beat so slowly inside of you that for a split second you were motionless, not a single blink or breath emanating from your body. When the mere thought of lifting yourself from your bed and being forced to pretend your soul wasn’t cracking into pieces inside of you wasn’t a better option than keeping eyes closed and lips shut tight.
Junhong wished for death.
---
“You okay, baby?”
Daehyun looked up at his mother and blinked as he tried to remember if that was the first time she had spoken to him or the tenth. “What?”
She smiled as he slid the bowl across the table to him. Soup. Still soup. “You’ve been distracted the last couple of days. Everything alright?”
If his stepfather was home she wouldn’t dare probe too deeply into his problems. They would sit silently and hope he went to bed early so they could watch TV together uninterrupted. Since he was away for a few days for work they had the house to their selves and he felt safe enough to let down his guard for a little while.
“No.” He stirred the soup and wondered what Youngjae was eating right now. Probably something that cost more than his entire outfit. “Not really.”
“Want to talk about it?” Her fingers in his hair was something that used to always relax him. He could remember nights spent trying to push himself further into the bed while the screaming grew louder and louder outside his bedroom door until they had fought themselves to exhaustion and she would tiptoe quietly into his room and sing softly to him as she combed through his hair. He would fall asleep knowing his mother was doing the best she could and that meant he had to, too.
Sighing, Daehyun pushed his bowl away, too anxious to eat. Every breath he took was sluggish and heavy, trying to drag him to the center of the earth. He rubbed his chest and winced, wishing the pain would ease up soon because he didn’t know how much more he could take.
“Can I ask you a question?” At her nod he took a deep breath and continued. “Were you and dad soulmates? My real dad?”
The look of shock on her face lasted long enough for Daehyun to regret asking the question. He had always tried so hard not to upset her because that was the last thing she needed.
“Why would you ask that?” Her eyes got the same faraway look they did every time his real father was brought up. The one that meant she was remembering how perfect her life once was before everything fell apart for them. “Daehyun, what’s going on? You’re worrying me.”
He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. The only thing he needed was a deep sleep and he would feel better in the morning, he knew he would.
“It’s nothing. I’m sorry.” His chair scraped the floor, the markings on the wood not even adding up to the amount of lies that had traveled through his lips. “Just something some kids at school were talking about. I’m going to bed.”
The walk from the table to his bedroom took centuries, each step growing heavier and his head pounding so harshly that he was out the second his cheek hit the pillow.
---
Junhong drifted in and out of awareness with the feel of fingertips in his hair and a rough cotton pillowcase pressed against a cheek that was faced towards the ceiling.
The roar in his chest beat to the sound of Daehyun’s name, each syllable thumping harder than the last.
He thought that maybe death might be too simple, too much of a coward’s way out.
After all, soulmates would only be reborn again to experience the next lifetime together. He didn’t know if he had the strength for that.
He wished for his soul to be eradicated from existence.
---
“He’s going to kill himself if he doesn’t eat, Yongguk.” Jongup watched the way Junhong’s eyelids fluttered and he hoped there was something happy going on in his best friend’s dreams. “It’s been three days and he hasn’t moved from the bed.”
“Mom thinks it’s the flu.” Yongguk pulled a lighter from his pocket and carefully waved it over the tip of the thermometer he had been ordered to bring up. “I can’t keep it up for much longer. She said earlier if he doesn’t snap out of it by the morning she’s taking him to the hospital.” Once it hit a high enough temperature he handed Jongup the lighter and turned to take the faked thermometer back downstairs.
Jongup sat on the edge of the bed and sighed when Junhong whimpered in his sleep. “I know, Junhonggie. I know it’s hard.” He picked up the clammy fingers in his own and squeezed them lightly. “He felt it. I promise. We all saw it. Just give him time.”
When Yongguk came back into the room it was with a package of crackers and a soda. “She said to see if his stomach is queasy and to give him this.” He ripped open the plastic and shoved a handful of crackers into his own mouth. “Maybe we should just tell them what’s going on.”
“He wouldn’t want us to do that.” Jongup argued, laying a protective arm over Junhong’s shoulder. “If he wanted them to know he wouldn’t have been keeping it such a big secret this whole time.”
Yongguk looked at his brother and reached for Jongup’s hand. “He’s not going to come out of this without Daehyun. That kid…” At the mention of Daehyun the color of Yongguk’s skin turned flushed and his jaw tightened angrily. “Junhong isn’t dumb. If he says Daehyun’s his soulmate then it has to be him.”
“But he showed us his-“
“You said it was dark.” Yongguk looked down at his boyfriend with hope in his eyes. “And if he’s anything like Junhong then he knows how to take care of them and keep them from being seen. I want to see his arms in the daytime. Then we’ll know the truth.”
Jongup didn’t want his friend to suffer any more than he already was but he also knew that Junhong would be furious at them for bothering Daehyun. If he really was Junhong’s soulmate then his home life was hard enough already without them interfering.
“After last time I don’t think Youngjae will let us get anywhere near Daehyun though.” He had forced himself to stay calm and keep back the night they had tracked them down. Youngjae had looked at Junhong with so much hatred in his eyes after Daehyun had hastily pulled his sleeve down and hid his eyes from them.
“From this moment on you leave Daehyun alone,” Youngjae had ordered, reaching behind him to grab the timid boy’s hand. “Himchan is one of my best friends and he likes you both but that won’t matter if you bother us again.”
Their heads snapped to the sides when Junhong moaned in his sleep, mouth dropping open in pain.
“Let me look for Daehyun again. Himchan is good with computers. He can figure out Daehyun’s address.” Yongguk let go of Jongup’s hand to pull his phone out. “Then we’ll tell my parents.”
---
When Youngjae showed up on his doorstep after supper, Daehyun’s throat tightened and he looked behind him anxiously even though he knew his stepfather wasn’t supposed to be home for a few more hours.
“What are you doing here?”
The blunt words had to have surprised him but Youngjae merely smiled sweetly and held his hand out for Daehyun. “I wanted to surprise you. Let’s take a walk.”
He eyed the arm reaching for him hesitantly but finally nodded and reached for his jacket. “For a few minutes. My mom doesn’t like it when I’m out after dark.”
They headed towards the park, somewhere Daehyun didn’t feel right going with Youngjae, even if he had managed to avoid touching him since they had left the house. It almost felt like guilt inside of him as they strolled down the crowded sidewalks and towards the less busy areas near the woods.
“I haven’t talked to you much in the last couple of days.” Youngjae didn’t look at him as he spoke, his eyes glued to the path ahead of them. “You’ve even been skipping lunch.”
“I’ve not really been hungry.” A rare truth made its way out. Even if it wasn’t the entire truth it was still close enough that Daehyun didn’t feel the tiny twinge of regret when he said it. “I just spent lunch up in the library trying to catch up on stuff I missed at the beginning of the year.”
Youngjae nodded but still looked nervous. It was only when they had entered the park that he finally reached for Daehyun’s fingers, pulling him close enough for their elbows to brush against each other’s.
“I’ve missed you.” He whispered, glancing shyly beside him to see Daehyun’s reaction.
That was when Daehyun realized he had messed things up. Again.
---
“We’re taking him to the hospital.” The determined voice had Yongguk and Jongup jumping to their feet from where sat and were trying to awaken Junhong. “He’s dehydrated and weak. He needs an IV.”
“No, no don’t take him yet!” Yongguk and Jongup were frozen as they watched them try to force a pair of shoes onto Junhong’s feet. It wasn’t until his mother brought out a heavy coat that Yongguk seemed to remember what to do. “Junhong found his soulmate!” Yongguk blurted out before his father could try to lift the heavy body from the bed. He jumped in front of his brother and spread both arms out to the sides. “Taking him to the hospital won’t do any good. Please just leave him alone.”
His mother took a second for the words to roll through her mind until they finally clicked and she slapped a palm over her mouth. “What? He found her?”
Yongguk lowered his arms but stayed where he was just in case they tried to get close to Junhong again. He knew there was no reason to have to protect him from their parents but once they heard the rest of the story there was no telling how they would react.
“He found his soulmate.” Yongguk looked at Jongup who nodded reassuringly at him from the other side of the room. “And was rejected.”
“Oh no.” Their mother gasped and tears filled her eyes. “My poor baby. That must have hurt him more than anything ever has before.” She reached for him but looked confused when Yongguk still didn’t move out of her way. “Why didn’t he tell us? If you knew this whole time why would you continue to make us think he was sick?”
Their father looked between Yongguk and Jongup with suspicion. “What else are you boys not telling us?”
He didn’t want to do this. This was Junhong’s life and he deserved to be the one to tell his story the right way.
“It got worse.” He finally told them. The blame piled up in his mouth but this wasn’t the time for guilt. Even if they should have been watching Junhong closer all these years. “The marks. They got a lot worse.”
He could see the widening of his mother’s eyes and he wanted to ask how they could have gone so long trying to ignore them. Junhong may have been a master at hiding them but they were always there burning through his skin and searing deep.
“That’s not enough to make you stand in front of your brother like a guard dog.” Now their father was starting to look agitated. “Tell us what we need to know so we can help your brother.”
Yongguk couldn’t speak the words no matter how hard he tried. To see their reaction would be the same one he would receive whenever he felt ready to share his own dark secret. His lips stayed parted and he looked again at Jongup for help.
“Junhong’s soulmate is a boy.” Jongup spoke up calmly as he moved to stand beside Yongguk. He didn’t add anything about their own situation because he could feel the terror rolling off of Yongguk and into his own nerves. “We think his name is Daehyun.”
“You think?” Yongguk’s mother trembled. “But Junhong isn’t…” She wiped at her wet eyes and glanced despairingly at her husband. “Tell them they’re wrong!”
Before Yongguk’s father could take over the conversation and try to talk sense into the two boys, Jongup jumped in again with an even sterner voice than before. “Junhong is gay. I know it for a fact and he’s just been scared to tell you. The only thing we need to talk about is whether or not we’ve found the wrong boy.”
“Were you two…” She trailed off and the two boys could see the disgust forming in her eyes.
Jongup wanted to grab Yongguk’s hand in his own and squeeze it to let him know he wasn’t alone no matter what his parents thought of them. But he knew Yongguk wanted to keep their secret for the moment so he stilled his body and turned the tension to the two adults in the room.
“Boyfriends? No. Junhong is my best friend and that’s all we’ve ever been to each other.” The relief in her slumped shoulders made Jongup sick. “We have to find Daehyun before Junhong gets worse.”
“I’m not letting anyone near my son unless I think it’s best.”
“Stop it.” Yongguk’s father surprised them all by aiming the sharp words at his wife. “If this Daehyun boy is his soulmate then keeping them apart just because you disapprove will only hurt Junhong more.” He drew his shoulders back and nodded at Jongup. “You two do what you have to do to find him. If Junhong isn’t up and moving around by tonight we’re taking him to the hospital so he can be checked out.”
He grabbed his wife’s hand and pulled her out behind them, ignoring her sobs as she took longer than he did to come to grips with this new information.
“Well that didn’t go as violent as we thought it would.” Jongup waited until the door was shut and the footsteps had faded away before drawing Yongguk in and wrapping him up tightly in his arms. “Your dad seemed to accept it pretty easy.”
“She thought Junhong was a monster.” Yongguk breathed in the unique smell of Jongup that he had gone so long without and let the comfort wash over him. “She’ll think I’m a monster, too.”
Jongup tried to lift his boyfriend’s face from the crook of his neck but Yongguk wasn’t having it. “Look at me.” He ran his thumb across the curve of Yongguk’s ear, pinching the lobe teasingly until Yongguk lifted himself to press their foreheads together. “She just needed more time to think, that’s all. Junhong’s going to be okay. We’ll find Daehyun and get everything worked out. And we’re okay, too. Nothing they could say or do will pull us apart again.”
Over the past few weeks he had learned that when they were alone Jongup wasn’t big on words. He preferred actions and slow, easy touches that could make Yongguk’s eyes roll back in his head one second or send him into a deep sleep the next. So for such a heavy promise to come out of his mouth Yongguk knew Jongup had to have meant it with everything he had.
“I love you.” He told him quietly.
With a smile Jongup murmured the words back to him, palm catching Yongguk’s cheek. “I didn’t think the first time you told me that would be in the middle of your sleeping brother’s bedroom. But nothing we’ve done so far has been normal so what did I expect.”
This time he managed to draw out a smile from the thick lips that he hadn’t had the chance to taste in three days. Worry over Junhong had consumed his bother and their own careful relationship had taken a backseat for the moment.
“Now let’s find Daehyun so we can make your brother as happy as we are.”
---
He could feel it. The moment that everything was lost to him. The exact second. It crashed down on top of his heart and swallowed him whole. Sparks and lightning shook through his body and he awoke with a roar.
---
Daehyun stared at Youngjae with parted lips and wide eyes. “What was that for?”
“I’ve been wanting to kiss you since the first time I saw you.” Youngjae’s formerly happy eyes were now furrowed and he looked hurt. “I thought you wanted me, too.”
He didn’t know what he wanted. He wasn’t sure what a boy his age was supposed to be fantasizing over. All he had was movies and books to go on. But he was pretty sure kisses weren’t included just yet. Daehyun wanted feelings. To feel at home, to feel safe, he needed to feel like where he was standing was the only place in the world he was supposed to be.
And he didn’t feel that way with Youngjae’s lips still tingling on his own.
“I need to go home.” Youngjae’s crestfallen expression would rack him with guilt later but right now he was burning alive and his throat was closing in on itself, choking him with regrets. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Youngjae.” He took off at a run towards his street and didn’t stop until he was a block away, hands on his knees and doubled over with vomit trying to escape.
“My brother is in love with you.”
Daehyun blinked in surprise at the boy waiting for him on the corner by his house. “Excuse me? How do you know where I live?” He recognized him as Junhong’s older brother. Yongguk? Yes, he decided, that sounded about right. Another unwanted memory of Junhong slammed into his brain and made the empty fist-sized chunk of his chest ache harder. “And you can’t love someone you don’t even know.”
Yongguk stared him in the eye, straight through his pupil’s and into the darkest, blackest reaches of his soul. “I believe him. When he cried all night the first time he saw you. When he mumbles your name in his sleep and reaches for you. I believe that he knows his heart better than anyone and if he says you’re his soulmate then it has to be you.” His head tilted to the side as he furrowed his brows in thought. “Junhong’s known since he was little that he was a soulmate. It was never a secret or hidden from him. But you…” Yongguk shook his head in pity and Daehyun felt the first stirrings of panic overtaking the guilt Youngjae’s kiss had shrouded him in. It coated his tongue and made his entire body thicken. “You were kept hidden away, and sheltered. And maybe you’re scared of it, of having someone who loves you so much, and that’s okay, but-.”
“Stop.” Daehyun took a step backwards and held his backpack to his chest. Something had to shield him from the boy who had no reason to know anything about him and yet did.
“Someone hurts you and I’m sorry.” Yongguk’s eyes dropped down to the sleeves hiding Daehyun’s arms. “That same person hurts my little brother, too. But right now the only pain he feels is the rejection from the one person he’s been waiting his entire life for.”
Daehyun bit down onto his tongue hard enough to draw blood. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know me and I sure as hell don’t know your brother.” He waved his arm towards Yongguk. “And he made me pull my sleeve up! He didn’t see what he wanted to see so why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
Yongguk stayed motionless, eyes tired but unforgiving. “I’ve lived with Junhong a long time, Daehyun. I know how to cover scars.”
The word jolted Daehyun to his core. No one had ever said that word to him, he’d only thought it over and over in his head a million times a day. Not even his mother had the nerve to mention them to him. The reality was tiptoed over like a dirty secret everyone wanted to pretend wasn’t there. He gripped his backpack tighter and blinked back tears because over his dead body would he give anyone the satisfaction of knowing how much that one single word could affect him.
“Let me see.” Yongguk’s voice was gentle and so much closer than Daehyun had realized. Fingers reached for his arm, prying it off the backpack that he was only a few weeks ago so proud of. It dropped to the ground between them and they both watched in silence as a tube of concealer slid out of the front pocket. “Show me your arms, Daehyun.”
The fight was gone from him, it was all over and he knew it as Yongguk carefully pushed the sleeve to his uniform up past his wrist, far enough to find what he was looking for.
“I think they’re horrible.” Yongguk told him, running the pad of his finger over the thin line circling his wrist, barely visible under the thick makeup. In the dark evening where Junhong had been so sure of his heart they had been too faint to see and Daehyun had sighed with relief when no one had noticed them. “Ugly and horrifying and every time I saw them on Junhong I wanted to cry because I knew there was some boy out there who was so alone and scared.” He pushed the shirt up higher to see the rest of the silver streaks that Daehyun never thought he needed to hide. “But Junhong is proud of them. They’re the only thing he has of you and as long as new ones appear he knows you’re still alive and that’s always been enough for him.”
“Please stop. Please?” Daehyun’s eyes were clenched so tightly shut that all he could see was bright flashes and explosions of color.
Yongguk ignored his cracked plea. “But they’re not enough anymore. He’s breaking apart and I don’t know how much longer I can hold him together. You’re what he needs now and you don’t even care that your soulmate is dying every day you’re apart.”
He finally pulled together the strength to jerk his arm away from Yongguk’s grasp. “How can he be my soulmate when I’ve never even know about him?” He demanded angrily. “I’m seventeen years old and I never once have I believed I had one. How is that possible, Yongguk?”
No matter how furious Yongguk had to be on the inside he never let it show. Even if all he wanted to do was throw Daehyun over his shoulder and storm home so that he could fix his brother he kept his cool because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he scared the timid boy away. Not when he was so close to finally making him understand. “Junhong’s never been hurt. That’s the only explanation I have. He’s always been cautious to the point of obsessive because he was so afraid of hurting you. But it doesn’t matter, because you do have one and I saw how you reacted when you met him. You might not have understood what the pull meant but you felt it.”
Daehyun remembered the way Junhong’s voice had rolled over his skin and into every pore. The memory of the dimples and bright smile that crawled its way into his dreams every night until he woke up damp with sweat and bursting with want.
“He scares me.” He whispered, covering his lips so that no more truths could escape.
“He loves you.” Yongguk corrected. “And even if you don’t love him yet he at least deserves a fair chance. Let him show you how amazing being a soulmate can be.”
“But my stepdad-“
Yongguk’s eyes narrowed as the dots started to connect in front of him. “He can’t hurt you anymore. Junhong won’t let him. None of us will. We’ll go to the police and you can tell them everything.”
He thought of his mother, alone and at his stepfather’s mercy. “No. We can’t survive without him. Mom doesn’t make enough money.”
Sighing again, because how long would it take Daehyun to figure this out, Yongguk leaned over to pick up the fallen backpack. He left the concealer. Daehyun wouldn’t need it anymore. “Being Junhong’s soulmate doesn’t just mean you gain one person. You have all of us now. My brother, me, our parents, even Jongup. We’ll take care of you, just come home with me so Junhong can get better first. He’s dying without you.”
Daehyun opened his mouth, but looking back later he couldn’t even remember if it was to agree or to spit out another excuse because something inside of him suddenly snapped. He had felt strange since the night he had let his arm flash for just a tiny second in the dark lighting of the street lamp. Spidery tendrils of doubt and numbness had injected themselves into his blood stream and he had tried so hard to push them away but they were too strong for him. As soon as Junhong had seen his unmarred skin a tremor had passed through Daehyun’s body and he’d felt disjointed ever since. A blankness permeated his brain and now that empty heaviness was starting to fall away letting in a tsunami of devastation.
“Something’s wrong.” He dropped his hands and grabbed for the grass growing in clumps between the sidewalk stones. His palms slid against them, the numbness extending over his shoulders and down into the tendons and fingers. “He’s…” Daehyun didn’t know how to describe the tumultuous roaring in his chest. “He’s exploding.”
He tried to look towards Yongguk when a burst of pain slivered over his skin, burning deep and hot through his wrist. Another flash of agony on the other side had him falling to his knees and reaching for Yongguk in terror.
“What’s wrong?” Yongguk shook him and pried at his drooping eyelids, trying his hardest to keep them open. “Daehyun! What’s wrong with Junhong?”
Daehyun didn’t know what happened to you if your soulmate disappeared from existence. He hadn’t even known about them until he was eleven and asked his mother why so many movies they rented were about searching for your one true love. Growing up knowing there was yet another special club he would never be invited into just gave him a reason not to ask questions, to never learn how they worked or what made them so special.
So he wasn’t sure if Junhong sending jagged scars, pink and shiny and new, right above his wrists meant they would both snap out of life at the same moment. The last tie bringing them together so that they could try again in some other lifetime. One final link to the other half of his heart that he hadn’t even known until now was missing.
But he figured he’d hurt his soulmate enough over the years and this was finally the moment he could be the one saving him.
“Go.” He pushed Yongguk’s hands away and shook his head. “I’ll slow you down. Go help him. Go!”
Yongguk looked at him in horror but he must have seen the determination to stay behind on Daehyun’s expression because he nodded and jumped to his feet to run the handful of blocks back home.
Before his eyes closed and he slipped into the blackness, he tried his hardest to send his very first message to his soulmate. One he should have passed on years ago.
“I’m here.” He whispered, thumbing across a deadly wound that would never bleed. “I’m right here.”
part seven