Swallow the Words You Wish to Speak part two
Pairing: BangHim/ZiChan
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.8K
part one
Himchan slept until long after the sun was high in the sky and his stomach woke him up grumbling in need. He usually woke up when it was still dim in the room. Yongguk’s alarm always blared so loudly that he would jerk to alertness with a pounding heart and wide eyes.
“Yongguk?” He mumbled, reaching out beside him and wondering if his boyfriend had the day off and hadn’t told him. “Time?”
The silence confused him. So did the cold space beside him in the bed.
He sleepily lifted his head and blinked in confusion at the strange room until last night’s memories poured over him like an oil spill. The feel of Yongguk’s hands on him and his sour breath moistening his skin. Himchan wrapped himself tighter into the blanket and tried to breath in as much of Zico’s smell as he could.
By the time he managed to force himself out of the cocoon of Zico’s bed he was starving and told himself Zico wouldn’t mind if he rummaged through the cabinets for a snack. All he could find was a bucket of stale peanuts and a half-eaten bag of chips. The fridge yielded a full bottle of orange juice and after a wary glance at the expiration date he had a decent breakfast of juice and chips.
He wanted to look around the apartment for hints into how Zico had been living since they served together but the manners his parents instilled in him held him back. Nothing wrong with sitting in the middle of the apartment and having a look around though. The apartment was dingy and dark but Zico kept the floor’s cleared and the counter cleaned off and other than a few books on the nightstand there wasn’t much to be seen.
There was a small old-fashioned TV in the corner so he let that keep him occupied until the keys rattled in the doorknob and a worried Zico stepped through the door.
“You’re still here.” He breathed out, clutching a bag of take-out to his chest. “Good. That’s… That’s good.”
“Did you think I’d leave?” Himchan awkwardly stood up to help him, but barely had made it a few steps into the kitchen before Zico had retaliated with several backward movements of his own.
Zico still looked dubious, but he had tried to relax his tense muscles so that he could place the bag on the table. “I brought lunch. I don’t know what you’re hungry for but-“
“Everything.” Himchan put a hesitant smile on his lips as he reached for the bag to pull out the top box. “I’m starving. Can we eat on the couch?”
“Sure.” This time the grin Zico gave him was the same old sure of himself one that Himchan both hated and adored. “Sure we can.”
--
Even though Zico had to head to another job not long after they had finished eating he promised that he was free the next day and that they would do whatever Himchan wanted. “There’s a zoo about an hour away. Or if you want to go to the movies I can grab a paper on my way home and we can see what’s playing. Do you like-“
“Or we can just stay here?” Himchan wasn’t ready for trips or alone time in a dark and quiet movie theater just yet. “Is that okay?”
“Of course.” Zico rummaged through the closet for a moment, finally finding his uniform and laying it on the neatly made bed. “We’ll have to leave the house to eat though. Sorry, I’m not much of a cook.” He turned away from Himchan so that he could pull his shirt off.
Himchan bit down so sharply on his lip that he tasted blood. A jolt of terror spread through his body, the same sharp current that happened every time he was reminded of the war. Red mottled blotches and streaks of pink laced across Zico’s back disappearing below the waistband of his jeans.
“Shrapnel.” He answered Himchan’s unanswered question with a grim smile. “I was hit pretty hard when…” His voice trailed off and a hazy look came into his eyes. “Well someone had to protect your pretty face.”
“Zico-“
“You’ll probably be asleep when I get home. I work a late shift tonight.” Zico refused to look at him as he hurriedly tied his boots by the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Himchan wondered what he had done to make everyone so uneasy around him. Zico was walking on eggshells when he was home and Yongguk was… He shook his head. He didn’t want to think about Yongguk.
--
When he woke up the next morning Zico was still asleep on the couch, blanket wrapped between his legs and drool wetting the pillow under his lips.
“Idiot.” Himchan mumbled fondly, using his finger to tilt Zico’s mouth shut. “What am I going to do with you?”
He turned to the kitchen before remembering there wasn’t anything in the cabinets or fridge for breakfast. It was with trepidation that he rummaged through Zico’s clothes for something to wear. There wasn’t much difference in their heights but Himchan had lost so much weight over the months since he came home that he needed a belt to secure Zico’s jeans around his hips.
It made him feel a little guilty when he snatched the key ring off the counter but he assured himself it was for a good cause and that maybe Zico would still be asleep when he came back with bags of groceries.
Finding a cash machine was easy but the hard part was putting Yongguk’s birthday in for the code. He wondered what his boyfriend was doing right now. It was past eight in the morning so he should have been already at work, but Himchan had a fleeting hope that maybe Yongguk had taken the day off to look for him. Was he out there somewhere with a picture of him in his hands and begging people to look at it? Maybe he was calling Youngjae and Jongup to ask for their help. Possibly he didn’t even care.
Himchan blinked back the tears and knew that wasn’t the case. No matter what had bulldozed through their relationship and turned them into strangers he knew Yongguk loved him with a ferocity that dared fate to come between them.
“I wonder if Zico likes waffles.” Himchan forced the thoughts of Yongguk out of his head because he would never make it through this separation with him always in the back of his mind. He had to fix himself and he had to do it without Yongguk’s help for once. “With strawberries. Everyone likes strawberries.”
For the time being he needed to focus on the present and the present only included his growling belly and his guardian angel fast asleep on the couch.
---
The days at Zico’s apartment passed quietly. Calmly. Himchan liked being alone all day with only his thoughts to keep him occupied. All those months alone at his old apartment were different because he was never alone. There was Yongguk wherever he looked and it suffocated him. Sometimes in the bathtub he would wonder if he drowned himself would Yongguk’s own breaths fall short? Were they so in sync that even their heartbeats matched up? It was draining every last ounce of sanity he had left to keep the smile on his face when Yongguk came home from work. Until eventually he couldn’t even muster the care to try.
But with Zico he didn’t have to try and it was so relaxing to not have to mask his ache and panic. Zico felt it with him. Zico let him breathe.
“Three weeks with you has been better than the months of therapy they made me take.” He admitted one evening as they sat on the floor of Zico’s living room and ate their dinner out of boxes. Boxes. Yongguk would never have allowed that. “Have I thanked you for not making me ‘talk my feelings out’?”
Zico smiled as he shook his head. “I’m not doing anything though. You’ve never tried to talk about your problems with me.”
There were certain words that neither boy ever brought up no matter what. There was an unspoken rule that they stuck to safe topics, subjects that wouldn’t send Himchan into a screaming downwards spiral.
Names were the main one. His name. Their names. Their former squad members. Himchan’s family. Words that they could think in their heads but never form into spoken syllables.
“I don’t want to talk about the things the doctor made me discuss. And you don’t make me.” Himchan wasn’t sure where the courage to do this right now came from. They were tiptoeing around landmines. “This is exactly what I needed.”
Zico was quiet for a few minutes, just studying Himchan with a serious expression. “You do know that you can’t keep everything inside forever, right? It eats at you, Himchan. It chews you up and spits you out until there’s nothing left but a black hole.”
“Just not yet. Okay?” He forced a bright smile on his lips and shoveled a mouthful of chicken into his mouth.
“But someday?”
Someday could mean so many things. Tomorrow. Next week. Ten years from now. Someday was okay. Someday he could work around.
“Sure.”
---
“Let’s go to the zoo today.” Himchan was dressed in jeans and an old hoodie of Zico’s that he had washed and claimed a few days earlier. “You mentioned it once before. I think I want to go.”
The only times he had left the house until now was to buy groceries and to meet Zico up the street after he got off work from one of his nearby jobs. Venturing too far out of their tiny block was too intimidating. What if he got lost or there were loud sounds or god forbid someone accidentally touched him.
If he knew the giant step Himchan was taking with his request then Zico wasn’t going to mention it. He simply nodded and grabbed a jacket from the closet.
The zoo wasn’t too crowded, a perk that Himchan had been hoping for. Kids screaming and strollers brushing mere inches past him might have been more than he could handle. As it was the cooler air had kept most families at home so the few people they passed were older like them.
“Is there a certain animal you want to see first?” Zico studied the map, flipping it around until he had their exact location pinpointed. “Tigers? Elephants? Snakes?”
“Not the tigers.” He answered immediately. “Wherever you want to go first but not there.”
Zico knew better than to ask why. He was busy with work and school but he made sure and tried to check in with Himchan at least twice a day and had learned a lot about the other man in their month together. The main thing was that he didn’t like to be asked why. “I like the zebras. Want to look for them first?”
Himchan smiled as he looped his arm through Zico’s. “Sounds great.”
Nobody looked at him as the weird guy down the street who never opened his mouth. No one had pity in their eyes when they saw the faint scar running down his cheek. He was just a regular man today. His old neighborhood with Yongguk was too close-knit, too gossipy and they knew everything about them the second they had moved in. Himchan had hated it. Here he was free.
They spent hours at the zoo together. Laughing at the baby elephant that kept getting swatted by its mother’s tusk for misbehaving. Happily watching the monkeys for over thirty minutes as they swung from tree to tree, putting on a show for their visitors. Eating their weight in popcorn and cotton candy. It was the best day Himchan could remember for ages.
“The tigers are around the next corner.” Zico put a hand on his arm to stop him so that they could turn around.
“No, it’s okay.” He was shaking as they made their way to the front of the tiger exhibit. The beautiful orange and black cat laid on his rock and stared at them as they approached. “I wasn’t sure I could see them but I’m okay. Tigers are his favorite animal.” Zico gently took his hand but stayed quiet and let Himchan talk. “He had a puppy when he was younger that he named Tiger. There was a stuffed animal of one shoved under his pillow that I pretended not to know he pulled out whenever I went to sleep.”
The first time he had openly spoken of Yongguk in weeks and he couldn’t even bring himself to say his name. The memories hurt but the ache in his chest from missing him hurt so much worse.
“Sometimes I wonder if he even looked for me.” Himchan watched a female swishing her tail in the cave. “I kept expecting him to show up at the door every day and drag me back home.”
Zico was still silent beside him, but his palm was sweaty against Himchan’s. “Himchan…” He swallowed and licked his lips, guilt flooding his face. “Himchan, he didn’t look for you because he knew where you were. Yongguk’s always known where you’ve been.”
“What?” The happy illusion that he had been living inside of today was broken and with just that one name he was back in their apartment, alone and curled up inside the bathtub while his boyfriend slept off his alcohol and regrets. “What are you talking about?”
“You left your phone behind and it had my number. Two days after you left he called me. He’s been calling me every week for the past two months.”
---
The first morning that Yongguk woke up without Himchan by his side was spent in a haze. Bouts of running to the toilet to vomit intermingled with curling into Himchan’s pillow and sobbing until his chest seized up and he would have to make another trip to empty his cramped stomach.
He knew where his boyfriend had gone. Oh of course he knew. But deep down he was aware that it was his fault. That he had practically wrapped him up in a bow for Zico’s taking. It was always his fault. That’s what the soldier inside of him liked to scream anytime he witnessed Himchan’s eyes dimming a little or saw the plastic smile he gave when Yongguk showed up two hours late and smelling like the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
Love was more dangerous than a loaded gun. It had the ability to completely destroy you inside and out but still force your heart to keep beating and your lungs to keep working.
With a gun you had the power to end everything. Every small problem, every wrong decision, it could all be fixed with the power of one miniscule pull of the trigger.
But having love, really and truly owning it, was so much more frightening because at the end of the day you never knew if it would still be there in the morning. You lived in constant fear and worry with the weight of the other person heavy on your shoulders.
The months since the war ended had miniaturized Himchan. Everything about him had shrunk. His weight, the cocky way he used to carry himself, his formerly eager smiles that Yongguk could evoke with just the touch of his fingertips, and even his heart. There was no room for anything inside of him and the smaller he became the heavier the weight grew on top of Yongguk.
Himchan’s phone sat on the kitchen table where he had left it the night before. Yongguk wondered how long he had sat there with the memory of what had happened churning through his brain. Had he immediately called Zico? Scared and shivering and needing to distance himself from the monster his boyfriend had become? Or did he wait awhile to phone him? Did he watch him as he slept, brain slowly coming to terms with what Yongguk had done to him before he hurriedly dialed his savior.
The bed under him smelled like staleness and alcohol. If it had still smelled like Himchan’s soft hair or silky skin then Yongguk wouldn’t have been able to breathe. He wanted to stay in the remnants of what he had done and never recover because he deserved this. The ache, the loneliness, the complete and utter devastation of his entire world. The weigh on his shoulders had turned into an avalanche and everything was pouring down on him as he pressed his face deep into the scratchy flannel.
“You begged me to buy new pillows.” The hoarse voice that came out of his mouth didn’t sound like him. Maybe he had been lying here for years instead of hours. Perhaps it was decades later and life had gone on while his stayed frozen and broken. Was his body now as old as his spirit? “Told me these made your neck itch.” He rubbed his nose against the material and squeezed tighter. “I hope wherever you slept last night was more comfortable than anything I could ever give you.”
As long as Himchan was safe and well taken care of then everything would be okay, that was all that mattered. Yongguk had to keep repeating that to himself as the minutes turned into hours and the hours turned into nighttime. He wanted to tell him that Himchan liked to be pressed into the bed while he slept. Safe and secure and completely covered. He had always wondered if that was because that position was how Zico had saved his life, but it didn’t matter before because he was the one who sheltered him now. Now that role had gone right back to Zico. No matter how he felt about the leader of Himchan’s former squad there was no doubt in his mind that Himchan was in the best possible place he could be.
That place wasn’t with him anymore. It hadn’t been for a long time but they both tried to ignore the timer ticking down to their destruction. The clock had been set the second Himchan mailed off that first letter and nothing could have stopped it. Yongguk had just set the bomb in motion earlier than it might have been.
The second morning without Himchan’s face buried against his chest and the milky skin of his fingertips tracing maps across Yongguk’s skin was the hardest. Now he didn’t even have the excuse of a hangover to let him stay in bed. Now he was forced to stand up and look at himself in the mirror. Had he always had so many lines around his eyes? When was the last time he had stood up straight? Yongguk was tired, so tired.
Being in love with Himchan was harder than the worst day of being a soldier. But it was worth it, so worth it that he never minded the sleepless nights when the nightmares came, the glazed over looks when Himchan’s brain forced him back, back, back. Not even the way he was forced out of the therapy sessions and could only stand idly by while Himchan divulged his deepest secrets to a complete stranger had made him want anyone else. He had tried so hard to help in the beginning. He wanted to repair all of Himchan’s fissures, but Himchan kept pushing him away, only letting him close when he was too tired to fight or his mind was too far away to pull itself back on its own.
And Himchan had turned to Zico instead of him. His boyfriend had chosen someone else to unburden himself to, someone else to hear his thoughts and worries.
Maybe they weren’t meant to be together after all. Maybe the only reason they had clung so tightly to each other during the war was because this was all that they had. Maybe now that the dust had settled and things had returned to normal they were seeing how different they really were.
Love broke you. And Yongguk wasn’t sure if anything could ever heal the Himchan sized crack in his heart.
---
Today Yongguk told himself he was going to get up. He would take a shower and do the laundry and maybe Himchan would be back by supper time and they could rent a movie and have enough take-out for five people sent to their apartment.
Today he would come home.
Yongguk knew he wasn’t coming home.
He knew it as he let the hot water scald his skin and burn off the guilt that was matted into his skin. He knew it while he watched the dryer toss their sheets around in a circle for close to an hour. But he kept hoping because if he lost the miniscule amount of hope he kept alive he might as well just end everything. Without Himchan there was nothing left for him.
i messed up i fucked everything up he’s gone
The reply was instantaneous just like he knew it would be. All those months taking care of them and now they were the ones keeping his head above water.
What happened??! We’re on our way.
The act of pushing buttons on his phone proved too much for him and he let it fall to the floor without answering. The repeated phone calls lit up the dark bedroom but he didn’t notice, his mind so far away that the world could end and he’d still be mouthing Himchan’s name into his hands.
“Yongguk!” The sound of his name being yelled through the door and fists pounding it roughly interrupted him right in the middle of pondering if a handful of pills or a razor to the wrists would take him out of his hell faster. “Open the door!”
Youngjae shoved him to the wall the second Yongguk dragged himself to the door to open it. “Have you taken anything?” He lifted Yongguk’s wrists and then pried his mouth open to peer inside. “Do we need to call the hospital?”
He shook his head because the problem was in his soul not his skin. “I ruined him.” He choked out before falling into his best friend’s arms. “He trusted me and I destroyed him.”
“Oh Yongguk…” Youngjae pulled him to the couch and motioned for Jongup to start a pot of coffee. “Whatever happened I’m sure Himchan knows you love him. He’s always known. Maybe he just needed a few hours by himself to think about things.”
“He’s been gone for two days.” Yongguk thought that saying the words would make them sound more real to him but he couldn’t stop the hope that Himchan would show up any second and things would be back to the way they were before. “He’s with Zico.”
The coffee pot fell to the floor with a shattering crash, but Jongup didn’t even seem to notice he’d dropped anything. “What? Are you sure?”
“He’s been talking to him for weeks. I saw it on the bill.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s-“
Yongguk smiled, but his eyes stayed dull. “We all know what it means, Jongup. He’ll take care of him and I can’t. What else is there?”
A blue phone was shoved into his hand and Jongup pointed to the call button before grabbing the broom from the corner. “Tell him to come home. Fight for him, Yongguk. You’ve worked so hard to be together and you can’t give up now!”
But he never gave up. Himchan was the one who pushed him away every chance he could until Yongguk couldn’t take it anymore and finally gave in to the darkness building in his heart. “I never cared if I made it out of Russia until I met him.” Wet eyes stared blankly at the picture of the two of them beside their TV. Himchan with his arms around Yongguk’s neck and pressing his lips against Yongguk’s smiling cheeks. It was taken the day Himchan had gotten released from the hospital and you could still see all of his scars and bruising but Yongguk thought they only made him more beautiful. He could remember counting the stitches across Himchan’s pale cheek and skimming kisses across the faded purple splotches marring the beautiful hips.
“Himchan would never wish you back there.” For all the attitude Youngjae gave him as a member of their squad it had never carried over into real life and for the first time Yongguk was thankful. He let the two boys surround him with their affectionate touches and tender words because it had been so long since Himchan had said something loving to him. He felt starved for love and dying just to be held.
“I have Zico’s number.” He relaxed into Youngjae’s neck and breathed in the smell of his soap because it was a scent he had smelled every day during the war and if anything could keep him tethered to the ground right now it was him. “I need to call him and make sure Himchan’s alright.”
The number was printed clearly on the bill, but Yongguk had viewed the slip of paper Zico had asked him to pass along thousands of time. He probably knew it better than his own number to be honest.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Jongup looked at Youngjae over the top of Yongguk’s head. “Himchan probably wants to be alone to think clearly.”
“I can’t sleep until I know he’s okay. That Zico’s taking care of him.” Yongguk squeezed the phone in his hands so tight that they worried he would snap it in two. “If he wants to be with Zico I won’t stop him but I have to know that Zico’s going to be better for him than I was.”
Youngjae stood and pulled Jongup to the door. “We’ll be outside to give you some privacy. Everything will be okay, Yongguk. Just wait and see.”
He let the phone ring once in his ear before he hung up and had to breathe deeply through his nose to calm his heartbeat. They hadn’t spoken since Zico had brought him to the hospital and Yongguk still remembered the barely restrained agony in the other boy’s eyes as he told Yongguk that Himchan had waited for him.
This time he forced himself to stay on the line and let it ring until the phone clicked and a confused voice said hello.
“Zico.”
The voice on the other end of the line was silent until Yongguk heard a sigh. “I figured you more the type to show up at my door and throw him over your shoulder as you ran him home caveman style.”
“I’m not going to get in the way of what he needs.” Yongguk wondered if Himchan was with him right now. Was he listening in? Did he look happy or frightened that Yongguk was checking on him? “I just want to know he’s alright. He’s been in therapy for months and he’s not ready to be out in the real world yet.”
“He’s fine. He hasn’t left the apartment as far as I know. I’m at work right now but I’ll be home in a couple of hours.”
Home. That word should never have described something he had with Himchan. Himchan’s home was with him, in their ramshackle apartment and way too small bed with the scratchy sheets.
“Just…” He took a shaky breath because having to describe Himchan in just a few sentences wasn’t enough. He needed months just to explain the exact color of his hair. “Just don’t let him outside when it’s dark. That still scares him. And he gets upset at loud noises. You have to practically lay on him at night when it gets too bad because he’ll fight you until he hurts himself. And-“ His throat felt like it was closing up and taking away every ounce of life he had left in him. “And sometimes he cries but he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it so you just have to hold him until he comes back.”
Zico absorbed everything he said without commenting until the very end.
“You’re just going to let him go? You’re not even going to threaten me or come here to force him home?”
The picture beside the TV mocked him with its happiness. Yongguk kicked a foot at it to knock it over so he wouldn’t have to see the scars that covered Himchan’s face. “I don’t deserve him. Maybe you do. I only want him to get better. Don’t tell him I called, okay? He wouldn’t want to know.”
“Yongguk… I would give my life for him. You don’t have to worry that he’s being kept safe.”
Zico didn’t ask what had happened between them to make Himchan run. He figured Himchan had already told him and he didn’t understand why Zico wasn’t screaming at him for it. He would have. He would have ripped someone’s arms off and flayed their flesh with a razor if they had ever done to Himchan what he had done.
“As long as he’s far away from me then he’s safe.” Because he was a monster.
part three
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.8K
part one
Himchan slept until long after the sun was high in the sky and his stomach woke him up grumbling in need. He usually woke up when it was still dim in the room. Yongguk’s alarm always blared so loudly that he would jerk to alertness with a pounding heart and wide eyes.
“Yongguk?” He mumbled, reaching out beside him and wondering if his boyfriend had the day off and hadn’t told him. “Time?”
The silence confused him. So did the cold space beside him in the bed.
He sleepily lifted his head and blinked in confusion at the strange room until last night’s memories poured over him like an oil spill. The feel of Yongguk’s hands on him and his sour breath moistening his skin. Himchan wrapped himself tighter into the blanket and tried to breath in as much of Zico’s smell as he could.
By the time he managed to force himself out of the cocoon of Zico’s bed he was starving and told himself Zico wouldn’t mind if he rummaged through the cabinets for a snack. All he could find was a bucket of stale peanuts and a half-eaten bag of chips. The fridge yielded a full bottle of orange juice and after a wary glance at the expiration date he had a decent breakfast of juice and chips.
He wanted to look around the apartment for hints into how Zico had been living since they served together but the manners his parents instilled in him held him back. Nothing wrong with sitting in the middle of the apartment and having a look around though. The apartment was dingy and dark but Zico kept the floor’s cleared and the counter cleaned off and other than a few books on the nightstand there wasn’t much to be seen.
There was a small old-fashioned TV in the corner so he let that keep him occupied until the keys rattled in the doorknob and a worried Zico stepped through the door.
“You’re still here.” He breathed out, clutching a bag of take-out to his chest. “Good. That’s… That’s good.”
“Did you think I’d leave?” Himchan awkwardly stood up to help him, but barely had made it a few steps into the kitchen before Zico had retaliated with several backward movements of his own.
Zico still looked dubious, but he had tried to relax his tense muscles so that he could place the bag on the table. “I brought lunch. I don’t know what you’re hungry for but-“
“Everything.” Himchan put a hesitant smile on his lips as he reached for the bag to pull out the top box. “I’m starving. Can we eat on the couch?”
“Sure.” This time the grin Zico gave him was the same old sure of himself one that Himchan both hated and adored. “Sure we can.”
--
Even though Zico had to head to another job not long after they had finished eating he promised that he was free the next day and that they would do whatever Himchan wanted. “There’s a zoo about an hour away. Or if you want to go to the movies I can grab a paper on my way home and we can see what’s playing. Do you like-“
“Or we can just stay here?” Himchan wasn’t ready for trips or alone time in a dark and quiet movie theater just yet. “Is that okay?”
“Of course.” Zico rummaged through the closet for a moment, finally finding his uniform and laying it on the neatly made bed. “We’ll have to leave the house to eat though. Sorry, I’m not much of a cook.” He turned away from Himchan so that he could pull his shirt off.
Himchan bit down so sharply on his lip that he tasted blood. A jolt of terror spread through his body, the same sharp current that happened every time he was reminded of the war. Red mottled blotches and streaks of pink laced across Zico’s back disappearing below the waistband of his jeans.
“Shrapnel.” He answered Himchan’s unanswered question with a grim smile. “I was hit pretty hard when…” His voice trailed off and a hazy look came into his eyes. “Well someone had to protect your pretty face.”
“Zico-“
“You’ll probably be asleep when I get home. I work a late shift tonight.” Zico refused to look at him as he hurriedly tied his boots by the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Himchan wondered what he had done to make everyone so uneasy around him. Zico was walking on eggshells when he was home and Yongguk was… He shook his head. He didn’t want to think about Yongguk.
--
When he woke up the next morning Zico was still asleep on the couch, blanket wrapped between his legs and drool wetting the pillow under his lips.
“Idiot.” Himchan mumbled fondly, using his finger to tilt Zico’s mouth shut. “What am I going to do with you?”
He turned to the kitchen before remembering there wasn’t anything in the cabinets or fridge for breakfast. It was with trepidation that he rummaged through Zico’s clothes for something to wear. There wasn’t much difference in their heights but Himchan had lost so much weight over the months since he came home that he needed a belt to secure Zico’s jeans around his hips.
It made him feel a little guilty when he snatched the key ring off the counter but he assured himself it was for a good cause and that maybe Zico would still be asleep when he came back with bags of groceries.
Finding a cash machine was easy but the hard part was putting Yongguk’s birthday in for the code. He wondered what his boyfriend was doing right now. It was past eight in the morning so he should have been already at work, but Himchan had a fleeting hope that maybe Yongguk had taken the day off to look for him. Was he out there somewhere with a picture of him in his hands and begging people to look at it? Maybe he was calling Youngjae and Jongup to ask for their help. Possibly he didn’t even care.
Himchan blinked back the tears and knew that wasn’t the case. No matter what had bulldozed through their relationship and turned them into strangers he knew Yongguk loved him with a ferocity that dared fate to come between them.
“I wonder if Zico likes waffles.” Himchan forced the thoughts of Yongguk out of his head because he would never make it through this separation with him always in the back of his mind. He had to fix himself and he had to do it without Yongguk’s help for once. “With strawberries. Everyone likes strawberries.”
For the time being he needed to focus on the present and the present only included his growling belly and his guardian angel fast asleep on the couch.
---
The days at Zico’s apartment passed quietly. Calmly. Himchan liked being alone all day with only his thoughts to keep him occupied. All those months alone at his old apartment were different because he was never alone. There was Yongguk wherever he looked and it suffocated him. Sometimes in the bathtub he would wonder if he drowned himself would Yongguk’s own breaths fall short? Were they so in sync that even their heartbeats matched up? It was draining every last ounce of sanity he had left to keep the smile on his face when Yongguk came home from work. Until eventually he couldn’t even muster the care to try.
But with Zico he didn’t have to try and it was so relaxing to not have to mask his ache and panic. Zico felt it with him. Zico let him breathe.
“Three weeks with you has been better than the months of therapy they made me take.” He admitted one evening as they sat on the floor of Zico’s living room and ate their dinner out of boxes. Boxes. Yongguk would never have allowed that. “Have I thanked you for not making me ‘talk my feelings out’?”
Zico smiled as he shook his head. “I’m not doing anything though. You’ve never tried to talk about your problems with me.”
There were certain words that neither boy ever brought up no matter what. There was an unspoken rule that they stuck to safe topics, subjects that wouldn’t send Himchan into a screaming downwards spiral.
Names were the main one. His name. Their names. Their former squad members. Himchan’s family. Words that they could think in their heads but never form into spoken syllables.
“I don’t want to talk about the things the doctor made me discuss. And you don’t make me.” Himchan wasn’t sure where the courage to do this right now came from. They were tiptoeing around landmines. “This is exactly what I needed.”
Zico was quiet for a few minutes, just studying Himchan with a serious expression. “You do know that you can’t keep everything inside forever, right? It eats at you, Himchan. It chews you up and spits you out until there’s nothing left but a black hole.”
“Just not yet. Okay?” He forced a bright smile on his lips and shoveled a mouthful of chicken into his mouth.
“But someday?”
Someday could mean so many things. Tomorrow. Next week. Ten years from now. Someday was okay. Someday he could work around.
“Sure.”
---
“Let’s go to the zoo today.” Himchan was dressed in jeans and an old hoodie of Zico’s that he had washed and claimed a few days earlier. “You mentioned it once before. I think I want to go.”
The only times he had left the house until now was to buy groceries and to meet Zico up the street after he got off work from one of his nearby jobs. Venturing too far out of their tiny block was too intimidating. What if he got lost or there were loud sounds or god forbid someone accidentally touched him.
If he knew the giant step Himchan was taking with his request then Zico wasn’t going to mention it. He simply nodded and grabbed a jacket from the closet.
The zoo wasn’t too crowded, a perk that Himchan had been hoping for. Kids screaming and strollers brushing mere inches past him might have been more than he could handle. As it was the cooler air had kept most families at home so the few people they passed were older like them.
“Is there a certain animal you want to see first?” Zico studied the map, flipping it around until he had their exact location pinpointed. “Tigers? Elephants? Snakes?”
“Not the tigers.” He answered immediately. “Wherever you want to go first but not there.”
Zico knew better than to ask why. He was busy with work and school but he made sure and tried to check in with Himchan at least twice a day and had learned a lot about the other man in their month together. The main thing was that he didn’t like to be asked why. “I like the zebras. Want to look for them first?”
Himchan smiled as he looped his arm through Zico’s. “Sounds great.”
Nobody looked at him as the weird guy down the street who never opened his mouth. No one had pity in their eyes when they saw the faint scar running down his cheek. He was just a regular man today. His old neighborhood with Yongguk was too close-knit, too gossipy and they knew everything about them the second they had moved in. Himchan had hated it. Here he was free.
They spent hours at the zoo together. Laughing at the baby elephant that kept getting swatted by its mother’s tusk for misbehaving. Happily watching the monkeys for over thirty minutes as they swung from tree to tree, putting on a show for their visitors. Eating their weight in popcorn and cotton candy. It was the best day Himchan could remember for ages.
“The tigers are around the next corner.” Zico put a hand on his arm to stop him so that they could turn around.
“No, it’s okay.” He was shaking as they made their way to the front of the tiger exhibit. The beautiful orange and black cat laid on his rock and stared at them as they approached. “I wasn’t sure I could see them but I’m okay. Tigers are his favorite animal.” Zico gently took his hand but stayed quiet and let Himchan talk. “He had a puppy when he was younger that he named Tiger. There was a stuffed animal of one shoved under his pillow that I pretended not to know he pulled out whenever I went to sleep.”
The first time he had openly spoken of Yongguk in weeks and he couldn’t even bring himself to say his name. The memories hurt but the ache in his chest from missing him hurt so much worse.
“Sometimes I wonder if he even looked for me.” Himchan watched a female swishing her tail in the cave. “I kept expecting him to show up at the door every day and drag me back home.”
Zico was still silent beside him, but his palm was sweaty against Himchan’s. “Himchan…” He swallowed and licked his lips, guilt flooding his face. “Himchan, he didn’t look for you because he knew where you were. Yongguk’s always known where you’ve been.”
“What?” The happy illusion that he had been living inside of today was broken and with just that one name he was back in their apartment, alone and curled up inside the bathtub while his boyfriend slept off his alcohol and regrets. “What are you talking about?”
“You left your phone behind and it had my number. Two days after you left he called me. He’s been calling me every week for the past two months.”
---
The first morning that Yongguk woke up without Himchan by his side was spent in a haze. Bouts of running to the toilet to vomit intermingled with curling into Himchan’s pillow and sobbing until his chest seized up and he would have to make another trip to empty his cramped stomach.
He knew where his boyfriend had gone. Oh of course he knew. But deep down he was aware that it was his fault. That he had practically wrapped him up in a bow for Zico’s taking. It was always his fault. That’s what the soldier inside of him liked to scream anytime he witnessed Himchan’s eyes dimming a little or saw the plastic smile he gave when Yongguk showed up two hours late and smelling like the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
Love was more dangerous than a loaded gun. It had the ability to completely destroy you inside and out but still force your heart to keep beating and your lungs to keep working.
With a gun you had the power to end everything. Every small problem, every wrong decision, it could all be fixed with the power of one miniscule pull of the trigger.
But having love, really and truly owning it, was so much more frightening because at the end of the day you never knew if it would still be there in the morning. You lived in constant fear and worry with the weight of the other person heavy on your shoulders.
The months since the war ended had miniaturized Himchan. Everything about him had shrunk. His weight, the cocky way he used to carry himself, his formerly eager smiles that Yongguk could evoke with just the touch of his fingertips, and even his heart. There was no room for anything inside of him and the smaller he became the heavier the weight grew on top of Yongguk.
Himchan’s phone sat on the kitchen table where he had left it the night before. Yongguk wondered how long he had sat there with the memory of what had happened churning through his brain. Had he immediately called Zico? Scared and shivering and needing to distance himself from the monster his boyfriend had become? Or did he wait awhile to phone him? Did he watch him as he slept, brain slowly coming to terms with what Yongguk had done to him before he hurriedly dialed his savior.
The bed under him smelled like staleness and alcohol. If it had still smelled like Himchan’s soft hair or silky skin then Yongguk wouldn’t have been able to breathe. He wanted to stay in the remnants of what he had done and never recover because he deserved this. The ache, the loneliness, the complete and utter devastation of his entire world. The weigh on his shoulders had turned into an avalanche and everything was pouring down on him as he pressed his face deep into the scratchy flannel.
“You begged me to buy new pillows.” The hoarse voice that came out of his mouth didn’t sound like him. Maybe he had been lying here for years instead of hours. Perhaps it was decades later and life had gone on while his stayed frozen and broken. Was his body now as old as his spirit? “Told me these made your neck itch.” He rubbed his nose against the material and squeezed tighter. “I hope wherever you slept last night was more comfortable than anything I could ever give you.”
As long as Himchan was safe and well taken care of then everything would be okay, that was all that mattered. Yongguk had to keep repeating that to himself as the minutes turned into hours and the hours turned into nighttime. He wanted to tell him that Himchan liked to be pressed into the bed while he slept. Safe and secure and completely covered. He had always wondered if that was because that position was how Zico had saved his life, but it didn’t matter before because he was the one who sheltered him now. Now that role had gone right back to Zico. No matter how he felt about the leader of Himchan’s former squad there was no doubt in his mind that Himchan was in the best possible place he could be.
That place wasn’t with him anymore. It hadn’t been for a long time but they both tried to ignore the timer ticking down to their destruction. The clock had been set the second Himchan mailed off that first letter and nothing could have stopped it. Yongguk had just set the bomb in motion earlier than it might have been.
The second morning without Himchan’s face buried against his chest and the milky skin of his fingertips tracing maps across Yongguk’s skin was the hardest. Now he didn’t even have the excuse of a hangover to let him stay in bed. Now he was forced to stand up and look at himself in the mirror. Had he always had so many lines around his eyes? When was the last time he had stood up straight? Yongguk was tired, so tired.
Being in love with Himchan was harder than the worst day of being a soldier. But it was worth it, so worth it that he never minded the sleepless nights when the nightmares came, the glazed over looks when Himchan’s brain forced him back, back, back. Not even the way he was forced out of the therapy sessions and could only stand idly by while Himchan divulged his deepest secrets to a complete stranger had made him want anyone else. He had tried so hard to help in the beginning. He wanted to repair all of Himchan’s fissures, but Himchan kept pushing him away, only letting him close when he was too tired to fight or his mind was too far away to pull itself back on its own.
And Himchan had turned to Zico instead of him. His boyfriend had chosen someone else to unburden himself to, someone else to hear his thoughts and worries.
Maybe they weren’t meant to be together after all. Maybe the only reason they had clung so tightly to each other during the war was because this was all that they had. Maybe now that the dust had settled and things had returned to normal they were seeing how different they really were.
Love broke you. And Yongguk wasn’t sure if anything could ever heal the Himchan sized crack in his heart.
---
Today Yongguk told himself he was going to get up. He would take a shower and do the laundry and maybe Himchan would be back by supper time and they could rent a movie and have enough take-out for five people sent to their apartment.
Today he would come home.
Yongguk knew he wasn’t coming home.
He knew it as he let the hot water scald his skin and burn off the guilt that was matted into his skin. He knew it while he watched the dryer toss their sheets around in a circle for close to an hour. But he kept hoping because if he lost the miniscule amount of hope he kept alive he might as well just end everything. Without Himchan there was nothing left for him.
i messed up i fucked everything up he’s gone
The reply was instantaneous just like he knew it would be. All those months taking care of them and now they were the ones keeping his head above water.
What happened??! We’re on our way.
The act of pushing buttons on his phone proved too much for him and he let it fall to the floor without answering. The repeated phone calls lit up the dark bedroom but he didn’t notice, his mind so far away that the world could end and he’d still be mouthing Himchan’s name into his hands.
“Yongguk!” The sound of his name being yelled through the door and fists pounding it roughly interrupted him right in the middle of pondering if a handful of pills or a razor to the wrists would take him out of his hell faster. “Open the door!”
Youngjae shoved him to the wall the second Yongguk dragged himself to the door to open it. “Have you taken anything?” He lifted Yongguk’s wrists and then pried his mouth open to peer inside. “Do we need to call the hospital?”
He shook his head because the problem was in his soul not his skin. “I ruined him.” He choked out before falling into his best friend’s arms. “He trusted me and I destroyed him.”
“Oh Yongguk…” Youngjae pulled him to the couch and motioned for Jongup to start a pot of coffee. “Whatever happened I’m sure Himchan knows you love him. He’s always known. Maybe he just needed a few hours by himself to think about things.”
“He’s been gone for two days.” Yongguk thought that saying the words would make them sound more real to him but he couldn’t stop the hope that Himchan would show up any second and things would be back to the way they were before. “He’s with Zico.”
The coffee pot fell to the floor with a shattering crash, but Jongup didn’t even seem to notice he’d dropped anything. “What? Are you sure?”
“He’s been talking to him for weeks. I saw it on the bill.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s-“
Yongguk smiled, but his eyes stayed dull. “We all know what it means, Jongup. He’ll take care of him and I can’t. What else is there?”
A blue phone was shoved into his hand and Jongup pointed to the call button before grabbing the broom from the corner. “Tell him to come home. Fight for him, Yongguk. You’ve worked so hard to be together and you can’t give up now!”
But he never gave up. Himchan was the one who pushed him away every chance he could until Yongguk couldn’t take it anymore and finally gave in to the darkness building in his heart. “I never cared if I made it out of Russia until I met him.” Wet eyes stared blankly at the picture of the two of them beside their TV. Himchan with his arms around Yongguk’s neck and pressing his lips against Yongguk’s smiling cheeks. It was taken the day Himchan had gotten released from the hospital and you could still see all of his scars and bruising but Yongguk thought they only made him more beautiful. He could remember counting the stitches across Himchan’s pale cheek and skimming kisses across the faded purple splotches marring the beautiful hips.
“Himchan would never wish you back there.” For all the attitude Youngjae gave him as a member of their squad it had never carried over into real life and for the first time Yongguk was thankful. He let the two boys surround him with their affectionate touches and tender words because it had been so long since Himchan had said something loving to him. He felt starved for love and dying just to be held.
“I have Zico’s number.” He relaxed into Youngjae’s neck and breathed in the smell of his soap because it was a scent he had smelled every day during the war and if anything could keep him tethered to the ground right now it was him. “I need to call him and make sure Himchan’s alright.”
The number was printed clearly on the bill, but Yongguk had viewed the slip of paper Zico had asked him to pass along thousands of time. He probably knew it better than his own number to be honest.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Jongup looked at Youngjae over the top of Yongguk’s head. “Himchan probably wants to be alone to think clearly.”
“I can’t sleep until I know he’s okay. That Zico’s taking care of him.” Yongguk squeezed the phone in his hands so tight that they worried he would snap it in two. “If he wants to be with Zico I won’t stop him but I have to know that Zico’s going to be better for him than I was.”
Youngjae stood and pulled Jongup to the door. “We’ll be outside to give you some privacy. Everything will be okay, Yongguk. Just wait and see.”
He let the phone ring once in his ear before he hung up and had to breathe deeply through his nose to calm his heartbeat. They hadn’t spoken since Zico had brought him to the hospital and Yongguk still remembered the barely restrained agony in the other boy’s eyes as he told Yongguk that Himchan had waited for him.
This time he forced himself to stay on the line and let it ring until the phone clicked and a confused voice said hello.
“Zico.”
The voice on the other end of the line was silent until Yongguk heard a sigh. “I figured you more the type to show up at my door and throw him over your shoulder as you ran him home caveman style.”
“I’m not going to get in the way of what he needs.” Yongguk wondered if Himchan was with him right now. Was he listening in? Did he look happy or frightened that Yongguk was checking on him? “I just want to know he’s alright. He’s been in therapy for months and he’s not ready to be out in the real world yet.”
“He’s fine. He hasn’t left the apartment as far as I know. I’m at work right now but I’ll be home in a couple of hours.”
Home. That word should never have described something he had with Himchan. Himchan’s home was with him, in their ramshackle apartment and way too small bed with the scratchy sheets.
“Just…” He took a shaky breath because having to describe Himchan in just a few sentences wasn’t enough. He needed months just to explain the exact color of his hair. “Just don’t let him outside when it’s dark. That still scares him. And he gets upset at loud noises. You have to practically lay on him at night when it gets too bad because he’ll fight you until he hurts himself. And-“ His throat felt like it was closing up and taking away every ounce of life he had left in him. “And sometimes he cries but he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it so you just have to hold him until he comes back.”
Zico absorbed everything he said without commenting until the very end.
“You’re just going to let him go? You’re not even going to threaten me or come here to force him home?”
The picture beside the TV mocked him with its happiness. Yongguk kicked a foot at it to knock it over so he wouldn’t have to see the scars that covered Himchan’s face. “I don’t deserve him. Maybe you do. I only want him to get better. Don’t tell him I called, okay? He wouldn’t want to know.”
“Yongguk… I would give my life for him. You don’t have to worry that he’s being kept safe.”
Zico didn’t ask what had happened between them to make Himchan run. He figured Himchan had already told him and he didn’t understand why Zico wasn’t screaming at him for it. He would have. He would have ripped someone’s arms off and flayed their flesh with a razor if they had ever done to Himchan what he had done.
“As long as he’s far away from me then he’s safe.” Because he was a monster.
part three