Swallow the Words You Wish to Speak part one
***I reworked the P.S. Stay Safe sequel drabbles into an actual full-length fic so I'm redoing it to make it easier to read through***
P.S. Stay Safe
Pairing: BangHim/Zichan
Rated: M (This story as a whole stays pretty much PG13, but the middle of this first chapter contains noncon. Do NOT read if noncon offends you. You know what you can and cannot handle. Please do not read it and then complain that I triggered you. It's not graphic, it's very short and it's vital to the storyline so I will not apologise for it.)
Length: 5.7K
It was the little things that would take him back. A thump on their apartment wall, a bright light shining through the window on a dark night, the sound of a car alarm backfiring on the street below, anything could send him into hysterics. Yongguk was there, Yongguk was always there, but it didn’t stop the memories.
Sometimes when he closed his eyes he could still picture Jihoon’s face as he hit the ground. Zico had tried to cover him so he couldn’t see but it hadn’t helped. Himchan had watched the way his mouth went lax and his eyes stared into the distance and it rushed into his mind at all hours of the day until Jihoon was all he could think about.
“Go back to sleep, Channie.” Yongguk’s voice sounded so tired and Himchan hated that he was the cause for his restless sleep. “You’re okay.”
A year ago he would have been embarrassed burrowing into someone’s arms like he did with Yongguk, his body practically sliding underneath his boyfriend’s. But after almost six months of sleeping in the same bed Yongguk knew to lift his leg so that Himchan could shield himself as best as he could.
He had to be protected from the sounds and from the memories.
The piece of paper on the dresser with a name and a phone number hastily scrawled on it was barely visible in the dark room but Himchan had stared at it every night since they had moved into the tiny apartment and he had the number memorized by now.
“What would you do if I wanted to call Zico?” He murmured worriedly against Yongguk’s chest.
The body above him tensed.
“That would depend on why you were calling him.” Yongguk’s voice was quiet but Himchan had learned his tells by this point and eerily controlled was just the calm before the storm.
He slipped his hand between their bodies and squeezed the set of dog tags that had been shipped to his hospital room a week after he woke up. Jihoon’s name was almost worn smooth by the amount of times Himchan had rubbed his thumb across it.
“I want to talk about it with someone.”
Yongguk pulled back slightly, his eyebrows furrowed with remorse. “And you can’t talk about it with me?”
No. He couldn’t.
Yongguk wasn’t there that night everything ended. Yongguk didn’t see the regret and pain in Zico’s eyes as he looked down at him in the woods. Yongguk didn’t understand.
As if he could read his thoughts (and he probably could by now, Himchan thought with annoyance), Yongguk angrily pursed his lips. “I’ve lost people, too. I know what it’s like to see the people in your squad die in front of you. He isn’t the only kid in the world to get killed, Himchan.”
The words stung like a slap in the face and it was enough to send Himchan reeling from the bed with a gag, his heart racing in his chest. He pressed his thumbs into his eye sockets and pushed until white spots erupted. The attacks came so often that he knew he needed to take deep breaths and mentally whisper the calming chants his therapist had given him but they never worked. Nothing ever worked.
“How could you,” He gasped, slapping Yongguk’s outstretched hands away. “How could you say that?”
Yongguk turned the lamp on and Himchan was fully able to see the dark circles and lines under his eyes that shouldn’t have been there but that he had earned from his time in the trenches.
“What am I supposed to say, Himchan?” His hands flew into the air and Himchan instinctually took a step back. “What do I have to do to make you open up to me? I’m trying so fucking hard here.”
“You weren’t there.” Himchan gripped the tags so tightly that they dug creases into his palm and he thought he could taste the sharp metal in the back of his throat and maybe that was the taste of Jihoon back there. “You weren’t there, Gukkie. You made me think I was nothing and I spent my entire time in that squad thinking you wasn’t there for me to lean on and you just weren’t there.”
They had skipped past the awkward dating stage and straight into living together and there were times Himchan regretted the leap they had taken because Yongguk was too young to look at him like this. Like he was tired, just tired of everything.
“I’m sorry.” His boyfriend’s voice cracked for just a moment before Yongguk blinked away the wetness and the frustratingly expressionless face was back on. “I’ve apologized so many times for this. How much longer are you going to make me feel like shit for what I’ve done?”
Until I no longer look at you and wish things were different, is what Himchan wanted to say. “Let’s just go to bed. I’m sleepy.” The words were dull in his mouth. But it was the only truth he felt brave enough to speak out loud.
--
The letter stayed in his jacket pocket for two days before he felt strong enough to open the flap of the envelope. He was glad Yongguk had been at work pulling in overtime when the mail came and hadn’t been there to see Zico’s name on the return address. It would have ended in another fight and another night where Himchan locked himself inside their bathroom and cried in the tub with his hands over his ears while Yongguk beat on the door.
I miss you Princess.
He squeezed his eyes shut at the endearment that he only allowed one person to call him. The man, really just a boy still, that had saved his life by sheltering him from the rampage around them. Zico would have died for him and here he was too scared to even leave the house unless Yongguk led him out by the hand like a god dammed child.
Why haven’t you called me? I don’t want to get in between you and him. I know he hates me and I’m pretty sure you still do, too. But I need to hear your voice, I need to know you’re alive, I need you to yell at me and call me a dumb ass little fucker like you used to.
I need so many things and I have none of them anymore. Please call.
Zico
Himchan didn’t even realize he was crying until the tears fell onto the paper, smudging the messy letters and smearing the date in the corner.
When the front door slammed and Yongguk’s heavy boots sounded in the kitchen he quickly shoved the paper inside his dresser drawer and scrubbed his face clean of any sign of tears.
“I’m home.” Yongguk stepped into the bedroom and frowned at the sight of Himchan still in his pajamas. “You promised you would go to the grocery store today.”
“I forgot.” Lie.
Yongguk looked at the rumpled bed. “Dr. Lee told you to keep your planner close by so you knew everything you were supposed to do every day. You make the bed when you get up and you do the dishes after breakfast.”
He chewed on his lower lip and lowered his eyes to the floor. Instead of his daily chores he had spent the entire day huddled in the corner and staring at Zico’s letter on the bed. “I’m sorry.” More lies.
“Let’s go out for supper.” Yongguk tried to smile, tried to show Himchan that he cared. “What do you want? You pick.”
“I’m not hungry.”
Yongguk sighed, his shoulders slumping in disappointment. “Himchan, you’ve lost so much weight. You’re supposed to be eating three meals a day and regular snacking. Dr. Lee said-“
He slapped the dresser with his palm and tried to swallow down the scream at how Yongguk spoke to him like he wasn’t smart enough to think for himself. “I don’t care what Dr. Lee said. Dr. Lee is not in charge of how full my stomach feels.”
“Fine. Starve to death then.” Two months ago Yongguk would have argued with him until Himchan relented. Now he just threw his hands in the air and stormed out of the apartment, door slamming shut behind him.
Himchan reached behind him for the phone Yongguk had forced on him when they left the hospital. For the first few weeks of his recovery he had went home to his parents and spoken to Yongguk on the phone and by email. But when Yongguk had asked him to move in with him he had jumped at the chance and the tiny silver phone was now only used to call his parents once a week.
And once when Yongguk had come home to him on the floor surrounded by all of his empty medicine bottles it had been used to call the hospital.
Himchan doesn’t like to think about that day.
His hands were a shaking mess as they pressed the buttons that dialed a number he didn’t even need to look up. Nine digits that swam in front of his eyes at all hours of the day, but that he’d never pushed in the correct order before.
“Hello?”
Himchan startled at the easy way he had answered. Like this wasn’t the hardest phone call Himchan had ever had to make.
“Hello?” This time the voice on the other end sounded annoyed. “Who is this?”
“Zico?” The questioning way he said his name was pointless. Himchan would know that voice anywhere. It was the same voice that had screamed at him and teased him and one night had moaned his name at him.
The other end was silent for a moment and Himchan had to pull the phone away to make sure they were still connected.
“Himchan?” The voice in his ear was wary, not a tone Himchan was used to from his domineering leader. “Please tell me it’s you.”
“What, no Princess for once?” He tried to make it come off as a joke but Himchan realized he actually wanted Zico to use the annoying nickname because then things were back to the way they were supposed to be. “And here I thought you missed me.”
Zico laughed softly, the sound filling his ear and taking a few pounds of weight off of his shoulders. “I was starting to think you weren’t going to call.”
He moved to the bed and draped himself comfortably over the end. The last ten seconds had done more therapy for him then the months and months of weekly meetings Yongguk had forced him to attend. “I was starting to think I wasn’t either.”
“So how’s life going for you, Princess?”
---
The phone calls were easy to keep secret from Yongguk. He would call Zico during the day while Yongguk was at work and then erase his call history before he came home. It wasn’t like Yongguk would even notice, Himchan assured himself. He was working longer hours than he used to and Himchan knew it was because he didn’t want to come home and have to deal with his crazy and fucked-up boyfriend.
“You seem a lot more at ease today.” Dr. Lee smiled at him from across her oversized desk. “And you even showed up without Yongguk. That’s an improvement.”
It wasn’t by choice though. Yongguk had been called in to work on his day off and gladly accepted after Himchan told him it was okay.
“I feel more at ease.” He admitted, fingers playing with the loose thread on his shirt. “I called him.”
Dr. Lee was a professional and was used to surprises, but even that made her pause, lips forming an oh shape. “You called Zico? Was there a reason you changed your mind all of a sudden?”
He shrugged, not wanting to delve into his and Yongguk’s relationship problems just yet. Saying he needed someone to talk to would just bring up more questions that he didn’t want any part of. “It’s been almost eight months since the war ended. I can’t keep hiding in my bedroom and ignore the world forever.”
He could actually do that very happily, but six months with Dr. Lee had taught him how to say exactly what she wanted to hear so that the pills didn’t have to come back. That was one thing he and Yongguk actually agreed on anymore. No more little pills that made him sleepy and turned all of his emotions off until he was a robot.
Dr. Lee wrote a few sentences on her pad before looking up. “And how did the talk go? Do you feel happier now that you’ve spoken to Zico? This was the one thing you’ve always said you needed.”
The exact phrasing was that he had needed to see Zico, but that was something else Himchan was willing to let pass.
“I feel… Better.” He spoke the words carefully to make sure they came out feeling true. “But we only talk about random things. What we ate for dinner, our favorite music, places we want to go. We never bring up what happened.”
They continued to tiptoe around the subject of their troop and what had happened to Jihoon. Zico had never even spoken about the other members and where they were now. He knew his leader was waiting for him to bring it up but Himchan still wasn’t sure if he could.
“You’ve spoken to him more than once?” Dr. Lee leaned forward, a frown on her perfectly applied lips. “Does Yongguk know that you’re conversing with Zico?”
It wasn’t Yongguk’s business to be honest. Not like he was ever home to even care what Himchan did.
“Himchan, I know that in your mind this is just you reminiscing with your former leader but I’m afraid Yongguk may see things a little differently. You need to speak to him about this. Keeping secrets and lying is not healthy for a relationship.”
“But that’s all we are anymore.” His hand encircled Jihoon’s dog tags, ever present around his neck. “We’re both liars.”
---
“I want to see you.” Zico at least waited two weeks before asking the question Himchan had been holding his breath over. “You can bring Yongguk. I don’t care. I need to see you.”
He didn’t want to cry on the phone. They’d had sixteen phone calls in the last two weeks and he had been so good and not even choked up yet.
But Zico had never sounded so broken before. Like the mask was slipping and the shattered Zico was trying to seep through.
“He won’t let me. You’re the only thing I know Yongguk would never change his mind about.”
Zico sighed, the sound traveling miles over the phone line and straight into Himchan’s broken heart. “Yukwon called me last night.”
“No.” He bit down hard enough on his tongue to taste blood. The thought of their squad made his body tighten and his heart beat faster and things were going so good why did Zico have to ruin them?
“Himchan…” Zico’s voice was choked and too soft. “Tomorrow is Jihoon’s birthday.”
The phone hit the floor with a thud, the connection between the two cut. He hadn’t heard that name spoken aloud in so long that the two syllables hit him harder than a slap in the face and suddenly he was back there in the woods and Zico was covering him, the bombs exploding all around them until there was ringing in his ears and then there was nothing.
He was nothing.
He was empty and he wanted to escape with Jihoon but Zico was there tethering them together so that he wouldn’t float away.
He didn’t even know he was screaming until Yongguk ran in, his shoes leaving muddy tracks across the carpet and his eyes wide with terror. Yongguk did what he always did, what had to be routine at this point. His arms encircled Himchan’s thrashing body and he held him still with a strong grip and soft words until Himchan’s voice was gone and his strength was depleted.
“What happened?” For the first time in so long Yongguk sounded like he was worried and it only made Himchan ache more as he buried his face into his boyfriend’s neck. He smelled like sweat and motor oil and it was home, it was safe, but the only thing he could think about was that Zico had used his real name and that it had sounded so wrong.
“Everything.” Himchan rasped out, hands scrambling around Yongguk’s back and trying to pull him closer but it still wasn’t close enough. He was alone, always alone. And for the first time since the war ended Yongguk wasn’t enough.
---
Himchan came home from therapy with a smile on his face, the first in a long time. Dr. Lee thought he was getting better enough that maybe in a couple of months they could start talking about lessening their visits. He hadn’t even made Yongguk come with him for the last three appointments.
“I’m home!” He leaned down to untie his tennis shoes, still excited about his news. “Let’s go out for supper! Dr. Lee s-“
“What is this?”
He stopped mid-sentence when Yongguk interrupted him, his voice rough and trembling. Yongguk held a piece of paper in his hands, his eyes trained unblinkingly at Himchan.
“I don’t… I don’t know?” He couldn’t see the typewritten words on the paper from where he was but obviously it was something that had upset Yongguk. “What does it say?”
“It’s the bill from your cell phone.” Yongguk suddenly crumpled the sheet of paper into a ball and threw it to the ground in anger. “Showing four calls to your parents, six to me,” His patience snapped in half and he was storming towards Himchan, fist gripping the neck of his shirt so tight that Himchan gasped. “And sixteen calls to him.”
Himchan was frightened. Yongguk had made him anxious before but never scared. Never had his eyes looked at him like this. Like the warrior soldier he hadn’t gotten to see during the war. Now all of that fury, all of that intensity was trained on him.
“I needed someone to t-“
“You go to a therapist!” Yongguk screamed in his face as he shook him against the wall. “And you have me, fuck Himchan, you have me!”
Deep breaths. That was what Dr. Lee always told him. Take deep breaths, count to ten, count to twenty if that didn’t help, just bre-
“No.” Yongguk’s slap broke him out of his meditation, the sharp pain on his cheek a first from his boyfriend. “You’re not going to go off into your little imaginary world and ignore me this time.” His forehead was shoving so hard into Himchan that it made his head hurt and his eyes water. “Tell. Me. The. Truth.”
“I called him.” He blinked back the tears because he knew they would only make Yongguk angrier and that was the last thing he needed. Right now Yongguk had him so terrified that even the hairs on his arms were standing up and he could feel his heartbeat throbbing through every inch of his body. He could smell the alcohol on his breath and he prayed that the whiskey didn’t make him more volatile than normal. “It’s just phone calls. I promise.”
Yongguk pulled back and looked at him with so much disgust that it made Himchan’s skin crawl. “Do you really think your promises mean shit to me right now?”
That hurt him even more than the slap on his face. Whomever said that words may never hurt you was lying because he’d rather Yongguk punch him in the chest instead of look at him like he didn’t even know him. Like Himchan was a stranger.
But maybe he was. Maybe this Himchan was the real one and the brave soldier was just a fluke because Himchan knew that deep down he wasn’t strong and he wasn’t a warrior like Yongguk.
He was just Himchan.
“Are you even sorry?” Now Yongguk was looking more like the man Himchan loved. His fingertips lovingly caressed the red handprint across his boyfriend’s cheek. “Will you stop calling him?”
The answer that would bring them back together was on the tip of his tongue. All he had to do was say yes and Yongguk would forget this whole thing had happened, Himchan knew that.
But when he remembered the devastated way Zico had spoken to him the last time they talked almost two weeks ago it hurt him more than Yongguk’s words or Yongguk’s hands ever would.
“No.”
Wrong answer.
He tried to bite down the gasp of pain when Yongguk suddenly spun him around and crushed his face against the cold wall. He managed to hold back the surprised breath as sharp teeth lodged into the juncture of his neck and shoulder. But he couldn’t smother the way his body tensed under Yongguk’s uncaring hands and Yongguk could feel it.
“Why do you act so cold to me?” Yongguk’s breath was wet against his neck and it made Himchan itch and he wanted to wipe the whiskey-soaked moisture away because this wasn’t right. “What have I done to make you hate me so much?” His hands slid Himchan’s t-shirt upwards, fingertips skimming across his shaky chest. “Don’t you see how much I love you?”
Himchan didn’t want Yongguk’s hands on him like this. When he didn’t even see that Himchan had his face buried in the wall and tears were leaking out of his eyes. When he was murmuring nonsensically behind him as he stroked too roughly over the pale skin that still bore the scars from their time apart.
“Love you Channie.” Himchan pressed his palms against the wall and moaned in delirium as Yongguk’s hands ripped at the zipper to his jeans. Yongguk mistook the frightened sound for a needy one and the pants were shoved to the floor without him even realizing that Himchan was pleading with him to stop. “My Himchan.” The words coming from his lips were slurred, but the alcohol must not have affected his strength because he was able to hold Himchan still against the wall with one hand as he worked his own jeans down his legs. “Waited for you. Every day.”
“Please stop, please Yongguk, don’t d-“
“Youngjae used to tease me about you.” It was like Yongguk couldn’t even hear him, didn’t even care that the dick in his hand was as limp and cold as if Himchan had been in a three day ice bath. “I never minded.” Himchan’s shirt was shoved higher up his chest and around his armpits and he knew he was probably making scratches in the wall but he had to hold on to something because Yongguk was already rubbing himself against him and mumbling that he loved him, loved him so much.
The first few minutes were so full of pain that Himchan counted to five hundred and sixty three before he was finally able to clear the mist from his brain. He could hear Yongguk as he sobbed his name behind him, his tears dripping into Himchan’s hair.
“Please.” The rough tone in his voice that Yongguk always said he liked was filled with anguish but Yongguk was so far away from him that they could have been on different worlds. “Stop.”
“Love you so much love you more than anything.”
Pain turned into nothing until he felt everything slow down around him. Until the only place he could go to feel safe was the one place he swore he’d never willingly go back to.
“It’s your turn. So far Taeil has been the closest.”
Yukwon handed Himchan three stones and stood back so he could lob them towards the tree that was marked with bright yellow paint. Everyone knew this game was just to keep them entertained no matter how many times Zico told them it helped them with their shooting abilities.
He threw his stones as close as he could to the circle painted on the tree bark but didn’t get as close as Taeil had gotten. “You’re up, Jihoon.”
The youngest member of their squad took his spot at the branch marking where they weren’t supposed to step over and took aim.
“Here.” A sandwich was shoved into his face by an angry Zico, face red from stomping through the woods to their location. “You didn’t eat lunch.”
“I didn’t feel well.” He had dreamed about Yongguk being hurt in a battle and being left behind for dead and it had cost him his appetite, but he didn’t dare tell his Captain that. “You can have it.”
The food was forced into his hand, Zico shaking his head in annoyance. “Princess how am I supposed to take care of you until Prince Charming takes you off my hands if you don’t eat your meals?”
“Shut up asshole.”
Zico laughed as Himchan angrily tore the wrapper off and took a giant bite just to appease his leader. “You love me.”
“As much as I love rabies.”
The nails digging into his hips and the fingers fisting in his hair were what brought him back. He didn’t want to leave the happy memories of his squad because right now they were the only thing he had keeping his head above the ocean of regret Yongguk was laying at his feet.
“Himchannie…” His head was wrenched backwards and turned towards Yongguk’s face but he refused to look at him because it would only make things worse when it was over. He didn’t want to remember Yongguk’s face. “Tell me you love me.”
The words swam behind his eyelids.
“Say it.” Yongguk nuzzled the pulse on the side of his neck, voice hoarse from crying. “Please.”
But it was already over because Himchan could feel Yongguk filling him and he wanted nothing more than to crawl into the bathtub and rid himself of every trace of him. His skin crawled on every tiny inch Yongguk had touched.
Yongguk carefully redressed him, taking care not to touch him any more than was needed. Himchan kept his face down and his hands flat against the wall because he was still frightened that even the tiniest movement would set Yongguk back off. When he was done, Yongguk left him alone in the kitchen, the light still off and the air as quiet as death around him.
Only when he could hear Yongguk’s soft snores in their bedroom did Himchan finally push himself away from the wall, his muscles screaming in pain from being clenched for so long. He rushed into the bathroom and emptied his stomach into the toilet and hoped his retching didn’t awaken the other because if Yongguk came at him again he didn’t think he could take it.
The water from the showerhead was scalding hot over him, but he wasn’t able to move after he curled into the corner and finally let himself cry. This wasn’t Yongguk, this wasn’t the sweet, gentle boy who faithfully wrote him and waited for him through the entire war.
This was a man who was losing another battle that he had fought so hard for.
And Himchan knew he was supposed to hate him for what he had done, but he couldn’t because he knew that he was the catalyst for everything that had happened the last few months. His mind was slowly dragging him under and no matter how hard Yongguk tried to keep him afloat he just couldn’t do it. He wasn’t enough. But he knew who was.
“I need you.” He didn’t bother with the usual pleasantries, fist gripping the phone tightly. They didn’t need them anymore. “Can you come and get me?”
For the first time since they had met on that dingy little ship, Zico didn’t ask any questions, just agreed to whatever Himchan asked of him. He didn’t even mention the fact that Himchan hadn’t called him in over two weeks.
“I live a couple hours away from you. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” When Himchan didn’t reply Zico knew that whatever had happened must have been bad. “Do you want me to stay on the line while I drive?”
Back when they were in their squad he would have had a sarcastic response or would have rolled his eyes and pushed Zico away but right now the sound of Zico’s steady breaths in his ear was exactly what he needed.
“Do you mind?”
“You know I don’t. Top five favorite movies.”
Himchan closed his eyes in relief and quietly pulled the kitchen chair out so he could sit and wait. “It would be hard to narrow them down. What genre?”
“Top five favorite scary movies.”
---
They talked until Himchan’s eyes grew heavy and his conviction that this was the right thing became more and more blurred. They talked until Himchan saw lights in the driveway and heard Zico’s quiet I’m outside.
“Let me get some clothes.”
Yongguk was still sleeping soundly as he sprawled over their bed. His hair was in need of a cut as it obscured his face, but Himchan had forgotten to remind him to have it done. He smoothed the unruly strands away and looked at the man he had fought for, the man who he eagerly pushed Zico away for without even giving him a chance.
“I love you.” The soft words didn’t stir Yongguk, but Himchan wanted to say them anyways because if he could go back to the very moment he passed the Cheer Up a Soldier program’s flyer at his college he would have done everything exactly the same way he had. What happened between them was magic and he wouldn’t trade that for anything or anyone. Their letters to each other kept him going and gave him something to live for.
“P.S.-” He swallowed down the lump in his throat as he pressed his shaky lips to Yongguk’s forehead. “P.S. I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up.”
He had to give himself a pep talk before he could open the front door because he had heard a slam from outside which meant Zico had gotten out of his car and the last time he had seen him was when the sky was exploding with lights and Zico’s eyes had been full of terror.
The moment the door opened he finally regretted waiting this long to see the other because the second his eyes landed on the boy on his doorstep every old feeling he had rushed over him in waves. Affection, annoyance, anger, but most of all- relief that the closest friend he had was still warm with life.
“You’re still an ugly dumbass.”
Zico grinned widely as he jerked Himchan forward into his arms. “I’m your ugly dumbass, Princess.” His face was buried into Himchan’s hair but he could feel Zico shaking in his arms as he breathed him in. “Jesus, I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you, too.” Himchan knew he was safe now. Zico had protected him and kept him alive through the darkest days of their life and nothing had changed. He was still here doing everything he could just for him. “Let’s go.”
“Where to?”
They walked towards the car with Zico’s arm so tight around his neck that he could barely breathe but neither seemed to care.
“You decide.” Himchan’s eyes were closed as they moved. He didn’t want to see anything because nothing could be nicer than this moment right here. Zico in his arms, Zico on his skin and Zico’s voice in his ear as he murmured about all the places in his hometown that he wanted to introduce Himchan to.
He gently placed Himchan in the passenger seat and ran around to the other side, the smile on his face threatening to split his cheeks into two. “Let’s go home.”
--
The last few hours were so exhausting that Himchan couldn’t help but fall asleep the second Zico pulled out of their driveway. He hadn’t felt as safe as he did in Zico’s car in a long time and it drew him under faster than he thought possible.
“Wake up, Himchan.” The murmur was quiet against his ear, fingers brushing down his jaw and across his parted lips. “Let’s go inside.”
He blinked in confusion at the boy above him. “Zico?” He rasped, shaking his head and trying to clear the fog away. “Where are we?”
“My apartment.” He motioned in embarrassment to the ramshackle building behind him. “It’s kind of a squalor but it’s cheap. Come on.”
Himchan let him lead them up into the building and up the steps to the third floor (“The elevator rarely works.”). They entered the tiny apartment, one room with the bathroom curtained off in the corner. He let Zico take his bag and toss it onto the couch as he looked curiously around the surprisingly clean room.
“My uncle owns the building.” Zico explained sheepishly. “He lets me stay here for free as long as I do the maintenance for the other tenants.”
He knew Zico had a couple of part time jobs to help pay for school but Himchan didn’t know how he was able to fit handyman into his schedule and not be a complete wreck.
“It’s nice.” He yawned, rubbing his tired eyes. “I like it. Honest.”
Zico pulled the simple gray sheets back on the bed and ushered Himchan forward. “You look exhausted. We can talk in the morning.”
Himchan eyed the bed with hesitation. “I don’t think-“
“I’ll sleep on the couch.” Zico’s fingertips pressed carefully into his wrist. “I have to go into work in a few hours so when you wake up and I’m not here then don’t worry. I’ll be home around noon with lunch, okay?”
He grabbed Zico’s shirt as the other boy started to walk away. “Aren’t you going to ask why I called you?”
“Later.” Zico smiled softly, his eyes full of nothing but happiness. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” He tilted his head to the side and furrowed his brows in concern. “But if I have to put a bullet in your boyfriend’s head for the way he treated you rest assured I won’t hesitate.”
part two
P.S. Stay Safe
Pairing: BangHim/Zichan
Rated: M (This story as a whole stays pretty much PG13, but the middle of this first chapter contains noncon. Do NOT read if noncon offends you. You know what you can and cannot handle. Please do not read it and then complain that I triggered you. It's not graphic, it's very short and it's vital to the storyline so I will not apologise for it.)
Length: 5.7K
It was the little things that would take him back. A thump on their apartment wall, a bright light shining through the window on a dark night, the sound of a car alarm backfiring on the street below, anything could send him into hysterics. Yongguk was there, Yongguk was always there, but it didn’t stop the memories.
Sometimes when he closed his eyes he could still picture Jihoon’s face as he hit the ground. Zico had tried to cover him so he couldn’t see but it hadn’t helped. Himchan had watched the way his mouth went lax and his eyes stared into the distance and it rushed into his mind at all hours of the day until Jihoon was all he could think about.
“Go back to sleep, Channie.” Yongguk’s voice sounded so tired and Himchan hated that he was the cause for his restless sleep. “You’re okay.”
A year ago he would have been embarrassed burrowing into someone’s arms like he did with Yongguk, his body practically sliding underneath his boyfriend’s. But after almost six months of sleeping in the same bed Yongguk knew to lift his leg so that Himchan could shield himself as best as he could.
He had to be protected from the sounds and from the memories.
The piece of paper on the dresser with a name and a phone number hastily scrawled on it was barely visible in the dark room but Himchan had stared at it every night since they had moved into the tiny apartment and he had the number memorized by now.
“What would you do if I wanted to call Zico?” He murmured worriedly against Yongguk’s chest.
The body above him tensed.
“That would depend on why you were calling him.” Yongguk’s voice was quiet but Himchan had learned his tells by this point and eerily controlled was just the calm before the storm.
He slipped his hand between their bodies and squeezed the set of dog tags that had been shipped to his hospital room a week after he woke up. Jihoon’s name was almost worn smooth by the amount of times Himchan had rubbed his thumb across it.
“I want to talk about it with someone.”
Yongguk pulled back slightly, his eyebrows furrowed with remorse. “And you can’t talk about it with me?”
No. He couldn’t.
Yongguk wasn’t there that night everything ended. Yongguk didn’t see the regret and pain in Zico’s eyes as he looked down at him in the woods. Yongguk didn’t understand.
As if he could read his thoughts (and he probably could by now, Himchan thought with annoyance), Yongguk angrily pursed his lips. “I’ve lost people, too. I know what it’s like to see the people in your squad die in front of you. He isn’t the only kid in the world to get killed, Himchan.”
The words stung like a slap in the face and it was enough to send Himchan reeling from the bed with a gag, his heart racing in his chest. He pressed his thumbs into his eye sockets and pushed until white spots erupted. The attacks came so often that he knew he needed to take deep breaths and mentally whisper the calming chants his therapist had given him but they never worked. Nothing ever worked.
“How could you,” He gasped, slapping Yongguk’s outstretched hands away. “How could you say that?”
Yongguk turned the lamp on and Himchan was fully able to see the dark circles and lines under his eyes that shouldn’t have been there but that he had earned from his time in the trenches.
“What am I supposed to say, Himchan?” His hands flew into the air and Himchan instinctually took a step back. “What do I have to do to make you open up to me? I’m trying so fucking hard here.”
“You weren’t there.” Himchan gripped the tags so tightly that they dug creases into his palm and he thought he could taste the sharp metal in the back of his throat and maybe that was the taste of Jihoon back there. “You weren’t there, Gukkie. You made me think I was nothing and I spent my entire time in that squad thinking you wasn’t there for me to lean on and you just weren’t there.”
They had skipped past the awkward dating stage and straight into living together and there were times Himchan regretted the leap they had taken because Yongguk was too young to look at him like this. Like he was tired, just tired of everything.
“I’m sorry.” His boyfriend’s voice cracked for just a moment before Yongguk blinked away the wetness and the frustratingly expressionless face was back on. “I’ve apologized so many times for this. How much longer are you going to make me feel like shit for what I’ve done?”
Until I no longer look at you and wish things were different, is what Himchan wanted to say. “Let’s just go to bed. I’m sleepy.” The words were dull in his mouth. But it was the only truth he felt brave enough to speak out loud.
--
The letter stayed in his jacket pocket for two days before he felt strong enough to open the flap of the envelope. He was glad Yongguk had been at work pulling in overtime when the mail came and hadn’t been there to see Zico’s name on the return address. It would have ended in another fight and another night where Himchan locked himself inside their bathroom and cried in the tub with his hands over his ears while Yongguk beat on the door.
I miss you Princess.
He squeezed his eyes shut at the endearment that he only allowed one person to call him. The man, really just a boy still, that had saved his life by sheltering him from the rampage around them. Zico would have died for him and here he was too scared to even leave the house unless Yongguk led him out by the hand like a god dammed child.
Why haven’t you called me? I don’t want to get in between you and him. I know he hates me and I’m pretty sure you still do, too. But I need to hear your voice, I need to know you’re alive, I need you to yell at me and call me a dumb ass little fucker like you used to.
I need so many things and I have none of them anymore. Please call.
Zico
Himchan didn’t even realize he was crying until the tears fell onto the paper, smudging the messy letters and smearing the date in the corner.
When the front door slammed and Yongguk’s heavy boots sounded in the kitchen he quickly shoved the paper inside his dresser drawer and scrubbed his face clean of any sign of tears.
“I’m home.” Yongguk stepped into the bedroom and frowned at the sight of Himchan still in his pajamas. “You promised you would go to the grocery store today.”
“I forgot.” Lie.
Yongguk looked at the rumpled bed. “Dr. Lee told you to keep your planner close by so you knew everything you were supposed to do every day. You make the bed when you get up and you do the dishes after breakfast.”
He chewed on his lower lip and lowered his eyes to the floor. Instead of his daily chores he had spent the entire day huddled in the corner and staring at Zico’s letter on the bed. “I’m sorry.” More lies.
“Let’s go out for supper.” Yongguk tried to smile, tried to show Himchan that he cared. “What do you want? You pick.”
“I’m not hungry.”
Yongguk sighed, his shoulders slumping in disappointment. “Himchan, you’ve lost so much weight. You’re supposed to be eating three meals a day and regular snacking. Dr. Lee said-“
He slapped the dresser with his palm and tried to swallow down the scream at how Yongguk spoke to him like he wasn’t smart enough to think for himself. “I don’t care what Dr. Lee said. Dr. Lee is not in charge of how full my stomach feels.”
“Fine. Starve to death then.” Two months ago Yongguk would have argued with him until Himchan relented. Now he just threw his hands in the air and stormed out of the apartment, door slamming shut behind him.
Himchan reached behind him for the phone Yongguk had forced on him when they left the hospital. For the first few weeks of his recovery he had went home to his parents and spoken to Yongguk on the phone and by email. But when Yongguk had asked him to move in with him he had jumped at the chance and the tiny silver phone was now only used to call his parents once a week.
And once when Yongguk had come home to him on the floor surrounded by all of his empty medicine bottles it had been used to call the hospital.
Himchan doesn’t like to think about that day.
His hands were a shaking mess as they pressed the buttons that dialed a number he didn’t even need to look up. Nine digits that swam in front of his eyes at all hours of the day, but that he’d never pushed in the correct order before.
“Hello?”
Himchan startled at the easy way he had answered. Like this wasn’t the hardest phone call Himchan had ever had to make.
“Hello?” This time the voice on the other end sounded annoyed. “Who is this?”
“Zico?” The questioning way he said his name was pointless. Himchan would know that voice anywhere. It was the same voice that had screamed at him and teased him and one night had moaned his name at him.
The other end was silent for a moment and Himchan had to pull the phone away to make sure they were still connected.
“Himchan?” The voice in his ear was wary, not a tone Himchan was used to from his domineering leader. “Please tell me it’s you.”
“What, no Princess for once?” He tried to make it come off as a joke but Himchan realized he actually wanted Zico to use the annoying nickname because then things were back to the way they were supposed to be. “And here I thought you missed me.”
Zico laughed softly, the sound filling his ear and taking a few pounds of weight off of his shoulders. “I was starting to think you weren’t going to call.”
He moved to the bed and draped himself comfortably over the end. The last ten seconds had done more therapy for him then the months and months of weekly meetings Yongguk had forced him to attend. “I was starting to think I wasn’t either.”
“So how’s life going for you, Princess?”
---
The phone calls were easy to keep secret from Yongguk. He would call Zico during the day while Yongguk was at work and then erase his call history before he came home. It wasn’t like Yongguk would even notice, Himchan assured himself. He was working longer hours than he used to and Himchan knew it was because he didn’t want to come home and have to deal with his crazy and fucked-up boyfriend.
“You seem a lot more at ease today.” Dr. Lee smiled at him from across her oversized desk. “And you even showed up without Yongguk. That’s an improvement.”
It wasn’t by choice though. Yongguk had been called in to work on his day off and gladly accepted after Himchan told him it was okay.
“I feel more at ease.” He admitted, fingers playing with the loose thread on his shirt. “I called him.”
Dr. Lee was a professional and was used to surprises, but even that made her pause, lips forming an oh shape. “You called Zico? Was there a reason you changed your mind all of a sudden?”
He shrugged, not wanting to delve into his and Yongguk’s relationship problems just yet. Saying he needed someone to talk to would just bring up more questions that he didn’t want any part of. “It’s been almost eight months since the war ended. I can’t keep hiding in my bedroom and ignore the world forever.”
He could actually do that very happily, but six months with Dr. Lee had taught him how to say exactly what she wanted to hear so that the pills didn’t have to come back. That was one thing he and Yongguk actually agreed on anymore. No more little pills that made him sleepy and turned all of his emotions off until he was a robot.
Dr. Lee wrote a few sentences on her pad before looking up. “And how did the talk go? Do you feel happier now that you’ve spoken to Zico? This was the one thing you’ve always said you needed.”
The exact phrasing was that he had needed to see Zico, but that was something else Himchan was willing to let pass.
“I feel… Better.” He spoke the words carefully to make sure they came out feeling true. “But we only talk about random things. What we ate for dinner, our favorite music, places we want to go. We never bring up what happened.”
They continued to tiptoe around the subject of their troop and what had happened to Jihoon. Zico had never even spoken about the other members and where they were now. He knew his leader was waiting for him to bring it up but Himchan still wasn’t sure if he could.
“You’ve spoken to him more than once?” Dr. Lee leaned forward, a frown on her perfectly applied lips. “Does Yongguk know that you’re conversing with Zico?”
It wasn’t Yongguk’s business to be honest. Not like he was ever home to even care what Himchan did.
“Himchan, I know that in your mind this is just you reminiscing with your former leader but I’m afraid Yongguk may see things a little differently. You need to speak to him about this. Keeping secrets and lying is not healthy for a relationship.”
“But that’s all we are anymore.” His hand encircled Jihoon’s dog tags, ever present around his neck. “We’re both liars.”
---
“I want to see you.” Zico at least waited two weeks before asking the question Himchan had been holding his breath over. “You can bring Yongguk. I don’t care. I need to see you.”
He didn’t want to cry on the phone. They’d had sixteen phone calls in the last two weeks and he had been so good and not even choked up yet.
But Zico had never sounded so broken before. Like the mask was slipping and the shattered Zico was trying to seep through.
“He won’t let me. You’re the only thing I know Yongguk would never change his mind about.”
Zico sighed, the sound traveling miles over the phone line and straight into Himchan’s broken heart. “Yukwon called me last night.”
“No.” He bit down hard enough on his tongue to taste blood. The thought of their squad made his body tighten and his heart beat faster and things were going so good why did Zico have to ruin them?
“Himchan…” Zico’s voice was choked and too soft. “Tomorrow is Jihoon’s birthday.”
The phone hit the floor with a thud, the connection between the two cut. He hadn’t heard that name spoken aloud in so long that the two syllables hit him harder than a slap in the face and suddenly he was back there in the woods and Zico was covering him, the bombs exploding all around them until there was ringing in his ears and then there was nothing.
He was nothing.
He was empty and he wanted to escape with Jihoon but Zico was there tethering them together so that he wouldn’t float away.
He didn’t even know he was screaming until Yongguk ran in, his shoes leaving muddy tracks across the carpet and his eyes wide with terror. Yongguk did what he always did, what had to be routine at this point. His arms encircled Himchan’s thrashing body and he held him still with a strong grip and soft words until Himchan’s voice was gone and his strength was depleted.
“What happened?” For the first time in so long Yongguk sounded like he was worried and it only made Himchan ache more as he buried his face into his boyfriend’s neck. He smelled like sweat and motor oil and it was home, it was safe, but the only thing he could think about was that Zico had used his real name and that it had sounded so wrong.
“Everything.” Himchan rasped out, hands scrambling around Yongguk’s back and trying to pull him closer but it still wasn’t close enough. He was alone, always alone. And for the first time since the war ended Yongguk wasn’t enough.
---
Himchan came home from therapy with a smile on his face, the first in a long time. Dr. Lee thought he was getting better enough that maybe in a couple of months they could start talking about lessening their visits. He hadn’t even made Yongguk come with him for the last three appointments.
“I’m home!” He leaned down to untie his tennis shoes, still excited about his news. “Let’s go out for supper! Dr. Lee s-“
“What is this?”
He stopped mid-sentence when Yongguk interrupted him, his voice rough and trembling. Yongguk held a piece of paper in his hands, his eyes trained unblinkingly at Himchan.
“I don’t… I don’t know?” He couldn’t see the typewritten words on the paper from where he was but obviously it was something that had upset Yongguk. “What does it say?”
“It’s the bill from your cell phone.” Yongguk suddenly crumpled the sheet of paper into a ball and threw it to the ground in anger. “Showing four calls to your parents, six to me,” His patience snapped in half and he was storming towards Himchan, fist gripping the neck of his shirt so tight that Himchan gasped. “And sixteen calls to him.”
Himchan was frightened. Yongguk had made him anxious before but never scared. Never had his eyes looked at him like this. Like the warrior soldier he hadn’t gotten to see during the war. Now all of that fury, all of that intensity was trained on him.
“I needed someone to t-“
“You go to a therapist!” Yongguk screamed in his face as he shook him against the wall. “And you have me, fuck Himchan, you have me!”
Deep breaths. That was what Dr. Lee always told him. Take deep breaths, count to ten, count to twenty if that didn’t help, just bre-
“No.” Yongguk’s slap broke him out of his meditation, the sharp pain on his cheek a first from his boyfriend. “You’re not going to go off into your little imaginary world and ignore me this time.” His forehead was shoving so hard into Himchan that it made his head hurt and his eyes water. “Tell. Me. The. Truth.”
“I called him.” He blinked back the tears because he knew they would only make Yongguk angrier and that was the last thing he needed. Right now Yongguk had him so terrified that even the hairs on his arms were standing up and he could feel his heartbeat throbbing through every inch of his body. He could smell the alcohol on his breath and he prayed that the whiskey didn’t make him more volatile than normal. “It’s just phone calls. I promise.”
Yongguk pulled back and looked at him with so much disgust that it made Himchan’s skin crawl. “Do you really think your promises mean shit to me right now?”
That hurt him even more than the slap on his face. Whomever said that words may never hurt you was lying because he’d rather Yongguk punch him in the chest instead of look at him like he didn’t even know him. Like Himchan was a stranger.
But maybe he was. Maybe this Himchan was the real one and the brave soldier was just a fluke because Himchan knew that deep down he wasn’t strong and he wasn’t a warrior like Yongguk.
He was just Himchan.
“Are you even sorry?” Now Yongguk was looking more like the man Himchan loved. His fingertips lovingly caressed the red handprint across his boyfriend’s cheek. “Will you stop calling him?”
The answer that would bring them back together was on the tip of his tongue. All he had to do was say yes and Yongguk would forget this whole thing had happened, Himchan knew that.
But when he remembered the devastated way Zico had spoken to him the last time they talked almost two weeks ago it hurt him more than Yongguk’s words or Yongguk’s hands ever would.
“No.”
Wrong answer.
He tried to bite down the gasp of pain when Yongguk suddenly spun him around and crushed his face against the cold wall. He managed to hold back the surprised breath as sharp teeth lodged into the juncture of his neck and shoulder. But he couldn’t smother the way his body tensed under Yongguk’s uncaring hands and Yongguk could feel it.
“Why do you act so cold to me?” Yongguk’s breath was wet against his neck and it made Himchan itch and he wanted to wipe the whiskey-soaked moisture away because this wasn’t right. “What have I done to make you hate me so much?” His hands slid Himchan’s t-shirt upwards, fingertips skimming across his shaky chest. “Don’t you see how much I love you?”
Himchan didn’t want Yongguk’s hands on him like this. When he didn’t even see that Himchan had his face buried in the wall and tears were leaking out of his eyes. When he was murmuring nonsensically behind him as he stroked too roughly over the pale skin that still bore the scars from their time apart.
“Love you Channie.” Himchan pressed his palms against the wall and moaned in delirium as Yongguk’s hands ripped at the zipper to his jeans. Yongguk mistook the frightened sound for a needy one and the pants were shoved to the floor without him even realizing that Himchan was pleading with him to stop. “My Himchan.” The words coming from his lips were slurred, but the alcohol must not have affected his strength because he was able to hold Himchan still against the wall with one hand as he worked his own jeans down his legs. “Waited for you. Every day.”
“Please stop, please Yongguk, don’t d-“
“Youngjae used to tease me about you.” It was like Yongguk couldn’t even hear him, didn’t even care that the dick in his hand was as limp and cold as if Himchan had been in a three day ice bath. “I never minded.” Himchan’s shirt was shoved higher up his chest and around his armpits and he knew he was probably making scratches in the wall but he had to hold on to something because Yongguk was already rubbing himself against him and mumbling that he loved him, loved him so much.
The first few minutes were so full of pain that Himchan counted to five hundred and sixty three before he was finally able to clear the mist from his brain. He could hear Yongguk as he sobbed his name behind him, his tears dripping into Himchan’s hair.
“Please.” The rough tone in his voice that Yongguk always said he liked was filled with anguish but Yongguk was so far away from him that they could have been on different worlds. “Stop.”
“Love you so much love you more than anything.”
Pain turned into nothing until he felt everything slow down around him. Until the only place he could go to feel safe was the one place he swore he’d never willingly go back to.
“It’s your turn. So far Taeil has been the closest.”
Yukwon handed Himchan three stones and stood back so he could lob them towards the tree that was marked with bright yellow paint. Everyone knew this game was just to keep them entertained no matter how many times Zico told them it helped them with their shooting abilities.
He threw his stones as close as he could to the circle painted on the tree bark but didn’t get as close as Taeil had gotten. “You’re up, Jihoon.”
The youngest member of their squad took his spot at the branch marking where they weren’t supposed to step over and took aim.
“Here.” A sandwich was shoved into his face by an angry Zico, face red from stomping through the woods to their location. “You didn’t eat lunch.”
“I didn’t feel well.” He had dreamed about Yongguk being hurt in a battle and being left behind for dead and it had cost him his appetite, but he didn’t dare tell his Captain that. “You can have it.”
The food was forced into his hand, Zico shaking his head in annoyance. “Princess how am I supposed to take care of you until Prince Charming takes you off my hands if you don’t eat your meals?”
“Shut up asshole.”
Zico laughed as Himchan angrily tore the wrapper off and took a giant bite just to appease his leader. “You love me.”
“As much as I love rabies.”
The nails digging into his hips and the fingers fisting in his hair were what brought him back. He didn’t want to leave the happy memories of his squad because right now they were the only thing he had keeping his head above the ocean of regret Yongguk was laying at his feet.
“Himchannie…” His head was wrenched backwards and turned towards Yongguk’s face but he refused to look at him because it would only make things worse when it was over. He didn’t want to remember Yongguk’s face. “Tell me you love me.”
The words swam behind his eyelids.
“Say it.” Yongguk nuzzled the pulse on the side of his neck, voice hoarse from crying. “Please.”
But it was already over because Himchan could feel Yongguk filling him and he wanted nothing more than to crawl into the bathtub and rid himself of every trace of him. His skin crawled on every tiny inch Yongguk had touched.
Yongguk carefully redressed him, taking care not to touch him any more than was needed. Himchan kept his face down and his hands flat against the wall because he was still frightened that even the tiniest movement would set Yongguk back off. When he was done, Yongguk left him alone in the kitchen, the light still off and the air as quiet as death around him.
Only when he could hear Yongguk’s soft snores in their bedroom did Himchan finally push himself away from the wall, his muscles screaming in pain from being clenched for so long. He rushed into the bathroom and emptied his stomach into the toilet and hoped his retching didn’t awaken the other because if Yongguk came at him again he didn’t think he could take it.
The water from the showerhead was scalding hot over him, but he wasn’t able to move after he curled into the corner and finally let himself cry. This wasn’t Yongguk, this wasn’t the sweet, gentle boy who faithfully wrote him and waited for him through the entire war.
This was a man who was losing another battle that he had fought so hard for.
And Himchan knew he was supposed to hate him for what he had done, but he couldn’t because he knew that he was the catalyst for everything that had happened the last few months. His mind was slowly dragging him under and no matter how hard Yongguk tried to keep him afloat he just couldn’t do it. He wasn’t enough. But he knew who was.
“I need you.” He didn’t bother with the usual pleasantries, fist gripping the phone tightly. They didn’t need them anymore. “Can you come and get me?”
For the first time since they had met on that dingy little ship, Zico didn’t ask any questions, just agreed to whatever Himchan asked of him. He didn’t even mention the fact that Himchan hadn’t called him in over two weeks.
“I live a couple hours away from you. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” When Himchan didn’t reply Zico knew that whatever had happened must have been bad. “Do you want me to stay on the line while I drive?”
Back when they were in their squad he would have had a sarcastic response or would have rolled his eyes and pushed Zico away but right now the sound of Zico’s steady breaths in his ear was exactly what he needed.
“Do you mind?”
“You know I don’t. Top five favorite movies.”
Himchan closed his eyes in relief and quietly pulled the kitchen chair out so he could sit and wait. “It would be hard to narrow them down. What genre?”
“Top five favorite scary movies.”
---
They talked until Himchan’s eyes grew heavy and his conviction that this was the right thing became more and more blurred. They talked until Himchan saw lights in the driveway and heard Zico’s quiet I’m outside.
“Let me get some clothes.”
Yongguk was still sleeping soundly as he sprawled over their bed. His hair was in need of a cut as it obscured his face, but Himchan had forgotten to remind him to have it done. He smoothed the unruly strands away and looked at the man he had fought for, the man who he eagerly pushed Zico away for without even giving him a chance.
“I love you.” The soft words didn’t stir Yongguk, but Himchan wanted to say them anyways because if he could go back to the very moment he passed the Cheer Up a Soldier program’s flyer at his college he would have done everything exactly the same way he had. What happened between them was magic and he wouldn’t trade that for anything or anyone. Their letters to each other kept him going and gave him something to live for.
“P.S.-” He swallowed down the lump in his throat as he pressed his shaky lips to Yongguk’s forehead. “P.S. I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up.”
He had to give himself a pep talk before he could open the front door because he had heard a slam from outside which meant Zico had gotten out of his car and the last time he had seen him was when the sky was exploding with lights and Zico’s eyes had been full of terror.
The moment the door opened he finally regretted waiting this long to see the other because the second his eyes landed on the boy on his doorstep every old feeling he had rushed over him in waves. Affection, annoyance, anger, but most of all- relief that the closest friend he had was still warm with life.
“You’re still an ugly dumbass.”
Zico grinned widely as he jerked Himchan forward into his arms. “I’m your ugly dumbass, Princess.” His face was buried into Himchan’s hair but he could feel Zico shaking in his arms as he breathed him in. “Jesus, I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you, too.” Himchan knew he was safe now. Zico had protected him and kept him alive through the darkest days of their life and nothing had changed. He was still here doing everything he could just for him. “Let’s go.”
“Where to?”
They walked towards the car with Zico’s arm so tight around his neck that he could barely breathe but neither seemed to care.
“You decide.” Himchan’s eyes were closed as they moved. He didn’t want to see anything because nothing could be nicer than this moment right here. Zico in his arms, Zico on his skin and Zico’s voice in his ear as he murmured about all the places in his hometown that he wanted to introduce Himchan to.
He gently placed Himchan in the passenger seat and ran around to the other side, the smile on his face threatening to split his cheeks into two. “Let’s go home.”
--
The last few hours were so exhausting that Himchan couldn’t help but fall asleep the second Zico pulled out of their driveway. He hadn’t felt as safe as he did in Zico’s car in a long time and it drew him under faster than he thought possible.
“Wake up, Himchan.” The murmur was quiet against his ear, fingers brushing down his jaw and across his parted lips. “Let’s go inside.”
He blinked in confusion at the boy above him. “Zico?” He rasped, shaking his head and trying to clear the fog away. “Where are we?”
“My apartment.” He motioned in embarrassment to the ramshackle building behind him. “It’s kind of a squalor but it’s cheap. Come on.”
Himchan let him lead them up into the building and up the steps to the third floor (“The elevator rarely works.”). They entered the tiny apartment, one room with the bathroom curtained off in the corner. He let Zico take his bag and toss it onto the couch as he looked curiously around the surprisingly clean room.
“My uncle owns the building.” Zico explained sheepishly. “He lets me stay here for free as long as I do the maintenance for the other tenants.”
He knew Zico had a couple of part time jobs to help pay for school but Himchan didn’t know how he was able to fit handyman into his schedule and not be a complete wreck.
“It’s nice.” He yawned, rubbing his tired eyes. “I like it. Honest.”
Zico pulled the simple gray sheets back on the bed and ushered Himchan forward. “You look exhausted. We can talk in the morning.”
Himchan eyed the bed with hesitation. “I don’t think-“
“I’ll sleep on the couch.” Zico’s fingertips pressed carefully into his wrist. “I have to go into work in a few hours so when you wake up and I’m not here then don’t worry. I’ll be home around noon with lunch, okay?”
He grabbed Zico’s shirt as the other boy started to walk away. “Aren’t you going to ask why I called you?”
“Later.” Zico smiled softly, his eyes full of nothing but happiness. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.” He tilted his head to the side and furrowed his brows in concern. “But if I have to put a bullet in your boyfriend’s head for the way he treated you rest assured I won’t hesitate.”
part two