P.S. Stay Safe part two
Pairing: BangHim
Rated: PG
Length: 4.4K
Part One
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms (x)
Dear Yongguk,
It’s been three weeks since I sent you a letter and I usually get them every two weeks like clockwork. I was just feeling a little jumpy and wanted to say hello. Please just be busy.
Himchan
***
Yongguk please, please write me back. I don’t even care if that picture of me disgusted you so badly that you don’t want to write anymore, just tell me you’re okay please I’m so worried about you.
***
Himchan,
Will write back when I can. I’m okay. We lost Daehyun.
Yongguk
***
The sight of Yongguk’s familiar scratchy handwriting was such a relief that Himchan sagged against the door, his heart going into overtime.
It had been so long since he had heard from him that he had finally started to tell himself that he might need to adjust to a life with no more Yongguk and that thought frightened him beyond belief. In the last eight or so months since they had started talking Yongguk had become his best friend and their letters were the only things in his busy life that gave him a sense of peace.
Now that he knew Yongguk was alive Himchan could breathe a little easier. He had been on pins and needles for the last month and a half and even his parents were acting terrified for him. There had been nights he had stayed up until dawn obsessively refreshing the governments list of the dead website. He had lost four pounds and his mother finally had to force him to the table to eat dinner every night. The letters Yongguk had written were read and reread every day just so he could keep Yongguk close to him as if that would make him safer.
But Yongguk was okay, Yongguk was still breathing, everything was alright. He didn’t even care why he hadn’t written in so long, just the fact that Yongguk was there was enough assurance for him.
He didn’t know much about Daehyun, but he still felt his loss for Yongguk’s sake. Youngjae and Jongup were the two members on his squad that Yongguk seemed closest to but he had mentioned Daehyun in passing several times so Himchan knew his friend was hurting. Yongguk had told him that Daehyun was his scout, was he killed searching for something? What could they have been searching for and was Yongguk hurt at all? Even if Himchan knew he was alive, he could still be injured. Now he was worried all over again.
And when he refreshed the list of the dead the next night and saw Jung Daehyun listed he cried for the first time since the war had started.
He couldn’t keep Junhong safe and now he knew that nothing he did would keep Yongguk safe either.
***
Dear Yongguk,
You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay, that’s all that matters. Take as long as you need to write back I’m just so happy you aren’t hurt that I haven’t stopped smiling all day.
I bought every package of that licorice candy you told me you liked and I know Youngjae and Jongup split the pretzels. Please tell them I’m sorry and that I’m thinking of them, okay?
And you know that I’m always thinking of you.
Himchan
***
“We’re going to be captured and burned alive because of that idiot.” Youngjae glared at the newest member of their squad. “He missed three landmines and two hidden snipers on his last test.”
Yongguk yawned as he tugged his dirty jacket up over his eyes. “He’s new, Youngjae. We have to train him up. Daehyun had to be trained when he started, too.”
They didn’t like to mention Daehyun’s name to each other very often. The memory of their friends death was still fresh in every member of the squad’s mind. Their mission might have been classified as a success but to all of them it was a resounding failure.
***
Dear Himchan,
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write in a while. Things have been so crazy around here. We had an important mission and we’re just now getting settled in back at our base. I’m so tired and all I want to do is sleep for two days straight, but I knew you had to be worried so I wanted to write a quick letter.
Have you ever seen someone die? Watched the way their eyes dulled and then nothing? I see that so much that it doesn’t even phase me anymore.
It’s rough, it’s so fucking rough, Himchan.
They gave us a new scout this week and I’ve been working from before sunrise till midnight every night trying to train him and he’s just not good enough. And if you can’t trust your scout then what do you do? He’s the one who’s supposed to go ahead of my squad and then report back if things are safe. But he’s young and inexperienced and keeps making little mistakes that Daehyun never would have done. Daehyun was the best scout I’ve ever worked with.
Going to bed now. My next letter won’t be so dark. I’m sorry.
Yongguk
***
Himchan had missed the sight of his father carrying in a letter for him with Yongguk’s writing covering the front, writing that was almost as familiar to him now as his own. He practically shoved him down as he grabbed excitedly for the thin envelope, calming down only long enough to carefully open it.
Yongguk was still hurting. He could feel his anguish through the dips in the paper his pen had made. All the boxes of candy in the world wouldn’t make his friend feel better. The war was taking its toll on Yongguk and Himchan was finally starting to see the small cracks in the overly calm and impenetrable shell Yongguk wore.
He needed to let Yongguk know that he could depend on him, that he shared his burden.
***
Dear Yongguk,
I lied to you in my first letter. I didn’t join the Cheer Up a Soldier program just to be charitable. Someone close to me is also a soldier and I did this for him. I don’t even know if he’s alive. The last time I saw Junhong he was a baby-faced sixteen year old with the whole world waiting for him and he ran away from it all. I’ve been teaching him piano since he was six and he was my favorite student. Our parents even had Christmas dinner together and at our last holiday he composed a song to thank me for teaching him. I sometimes wonder if I can go to his home and ask his parents for the sheet music just so I can play it myself because I can barely remember the notes anymore.
When he turned sixteen he confessed he had feelings for me. I turned him down and it broke his heart. He disappeared the next day and left a note only saying he had enlisted
Every day I wonder where he is, if he’s okay, if he still hates me for what happened.
I guess I wanted in the program to get closer to him. I thought maybe this would help me find him and then I could bring Junhong home where he belonged. His parents don’t know what happened between us. They still keep me updated on their search for him, neither of them knowing the guilt I feel every time they visit. I’m the reason he left. When I told him that I didn’t feel the same way he turned into a stranger right in front of me.
You asked if I’ve ever seen someone die. I saw my Junhong die that day.
Himchan
P.S. Does this mean that I’m using you?
***
It took Yongguk a week after he received Himchan’s letter to write him back. It wasn’t that he was angry over finding out the truth, he just didn’t know how to respond. How do you tell someone who thinks they are horrible that they’re not, that they’re actually wonderful and caring and shouldn’t blame themselves for other people’s mistakes?
“Yongguk!” Youngjae popped his head around the corner, a wide grin on his dirty face. “All the boys are meeting up in the rec room for some beer and music. They picked up a Russian pop station on the radio and Jongup said he’d dance if we gave him some of our food rations.” Youngjae had taken Daehyun’s death the hardest out of them all since they were the closest in age and bunked together. He wasn’t sure how his second in command would have kept going if Jongup wasn’t there for support. He had watched the two of them grow closer over the last year and Daehyun's death might have been the push they needed.
He placed his notebook back on his bed and stood up with a stretch, ignoring the pops his sore back was making.
Himchan’s letter deserved to be thought about some more anyways.
***
Himchan,
I’m glad you told me the truth, but even if you hadn’t that’s okay too.
There’s no way Junhong could hate you. His feelings were hurt and he went too far. He’s a kid and kids just do stupid shit. There’s no reason for you to feel guilt over what he did, that was his decision and it was a stupid one.
You’re a great person, Himchan. Probably the best one I know. The boys in my squad like to joke that your letters cheer me up even more than putting a bullet in a Russian’s head. Your words make me feel important, that I’m fighting for something meaningful.
It’s been too cold to feel happy with much lately. We go to bed with every blanket we can find on us and wake up with stiff bones and blue fingers. My hands are shaking as I write this so I’m sorry if it’s too hard to read.
Russia is so cold and snowy it makes Korean winters seem like a beach vacation. How is the weather back home? Is it nice? Remind me what the sun feels like because I think after two years over here I’m starting to forget.
I asked my Commander if he had come across anyone fitting Junhong’s description and he said there’s a lot more underage kids enlisting than the army likes to admit. Being overseas and fighting seems romantic I guess. There’s just too many busy who change their names and forge birth certificates to appear older. I don’t think I could find him Himchan, I’m so sorry.
I meant what I wrote- you are an amazing person and I am proud to call you my friend.
Yongguk
P.S. I think we’re both kinda using each other to feel better. I’m okay with that.
***
Yongguk’s letter lifted a tiny bit of the weight off of Himchan’s chest. He still felt the heavy guilt, he probably always would unless Junhong came home safe. But he felt a little bitter getting what had happened off his chest.
There was no way he could describe the look in Junhong’s eyes as he told Himchan he loved him, had loved him for the last three years and could he ever feel the same way?
“No.” He was so shocked his voice came out sharper than he had intended it to and the way Junhong had flinched from his loud tone was forever etched in his memory. “What are you even thinking, Junhong? I’m your teacher and you’re so much younger than me. We could never work.”
Junhong’s eyes had turned cold before he had even finished speaking. “Thank you.” Even his voice was filled with ice, all traces of the sweet boy he had known and cared about for the last decade was now gone. “I’m happy you didn’t soften it to spare my feelings. No hope is better than false hope.”
He turned to leave before Himchan could grab his sleeve. “Please, don’t g-“
“Don’t sugarcoat anything now.” The younger boy’s shoulders were stiff and he refused to turn back around. “Goodbye Himchan.”
The next morning he had gotten the frantic call from Junhong’s parents, hysterical as they tried to locate their youngest child.
No, Himchan would never let go of that burden.
Taking care of Yongguk the way he couldn’t take care of Junhong was the only therapy he allowed himself. And he knew the perfect thing to do for him.
***
Yongguk,
I hope you get this package soon! Since its spring here all of the winter stuff is on sale so I searched for the best brands. There’s several pairs of wool socks that you can layer together at night. They’re a little scratchy but the saleswoman said they were the best for cold weather. And the gloves are real leather. I’m hoping you’re not one of those animal rights activists, but they were the thickest pair that had fur inside of them.
I also sent a hat, but it’s really ugly so it won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t want to wear it. I just was worried your ears would also be cold at night since you have such short hair.
Please wear them and stay warm, okay?
Here are a couple pictures of the park that I took yesterday. It’s been so pretty outside that I’ve been doing my homework there in the afternoons. Do you ever get to come home from the army? I mean I know there’s a war going on and you can’t just up and leave but you’ve been there for almost two years now and you would think the army would want their leaders in top form and would give them a tiny break to recoup. If you ever do get a break then I want to take you to this park. Not many people visit it because it’s so small compared to the one a few blocks away. That’s why I like it so much though. It’s quiet and calm and my heart feels peaceful when I’m here.
I think you would enjoy it as much as I do.
Himchan
P.S. Share these bags of candy with your squad, you pig!
***
The dozen or so bags of candy in the bottom of his box looked inviting but Yongguk could practically see the snarl on Himchan’s bow shaped lips. He reluctantly pulled eight out for the other boys in his squad and hid the other handful deep inside his duffel.
The brightly colored red checked hat with soft ear flaps brought a smile to his lips. He wasn’t embarrassed in the slightest to slip it on over his head. Everyone knew better than to laugh at their leader and if they didn’t then he had a pretty sharp right hook that would drive the point across. Besides, the hat was indescribably warm and if anything the others should be jealous they didn’t have one.
Youngjae’s eyes slanted at him in amusement when he entered the rec room with his armful of treats, but he wisely kept his mouth shut.
“He told me I had to share.” Yongguk sullenly answered his silent question as he handed over one of the precious bags.
“Hmm.” Youngjae replied noncommittally. He ripped the end off with his teeth and spit it out onto the floor. “He’d never know if you decided to keep them for yourself.”
“Yes he would.” Yongguk answered with a barely there quirk of his lips that almost slipped past Youngjae.
Almost.
***
Dear Himchan,
Thanks for the package. I’ve been staying a lot warmer at night and haven’t been waking up freezing every morning. Jongup tried to take a pair of the socks off while I was sleeping though. When I found out about it he had to do two extra hours in the trenches so it shouldn’t happen again.
Yes, I get a leave, but I’ve never taken it. I think it’s part of the reason I was promoted so early to the captain position. They knew I took my job seriously by my commitment to it. My mother’s written a few times asking me to come home but I never can reply to her. Replying just to tell her no would break her and I’m too much of a coward to deal with that. Leaving your attachments behind you when you ship out is the only way to survive.
If I had known how close I would end up to you I probably would have ignored your letter, too.
Yongguk
P.S. But I’m glad I didn’t.
***
The war was edging past two years with still no end in sight. More countries had joined the movement and it had only accelerated things. Yongguk’s letters now arrived around three weeks after he sent them so Himchan had only received four new ones in a more than three months.
Korea was finally starting to feel the pinch from the fighting. Tensions ran high and products started to run low. Families were given strict amounts of hard to get items each week. Imports were almost nonexistent and Himchan was scared their letters would be the next impossible burden he went through.
“Two more months.” His father placed his glasses on the table and rubbed bleary eyes. “That’s how long they think we’ll have regular postal service for.”
That meant that not only would he lose all contact with Yongguk, but his father would also be at risk of losing his job.
What would happen to them?
***
Dear Yongguk,
Sometimes I don’t even remember what life was like before Russia declared war on America. We should have been better prepared for this. It isn’t like they didn’t warn us this would happen. But humans are so ignorant, so full of themselves. “This could never happen to us.” Idiots. We are all just idiots.
My father thinks this might be the last letter that will get to you. He said the mail might be done for before you can even reply back. You won’t even get to say goodbye to me.
What am I supposed to do if I can’t write to you anymore? You’re the only thing I have that’s mine. My degree doesn’t belong to me, what will six years of music get me? My mother wanted me to do it because I play so many instruments, but honestly, what will it do for me?
Not even the piano is mine and mine alone anymore. It made me happy for so long and when Junhong left I lost all love for it. That was my punishment for what I did to him.
But your letters, your words meant just for my eyes, those are mine.
And now I won’t have that.
Maybe I should enlist and do something useful. Then I could deserve your friendship, your grand thoughts of what kind of person you think I am. Because I’m not that person right now.
If I never hear from you again then goodbye. You are the best person I’ve ever known and I am proud to call you my greatest friend, Yongguk.
Himchan
P.S. Stay safe.
***
Pro and con lists were the best way Himchan knew to decide things. Once he had a visual list of something was worth it or not then his brain felt like it had to stick with the smartest option. As he read over the list on his desk his stomach started filling with icy lead. There was only one rational outcome to his problem and it was the one that terrified him.
They needed money and they needed food more than anything. Now that his father was unemployed the only income they had coming in was Himchan’s piano lessons and even that was drying up. Every family was feeling the crunch from the economy collapse, even the well-off ones. He was down to seven students a week and one tiny composition class at the local community center. It wasn’t enough to feed three people and they were all starving.
He glanced over at the flyer he had picked up on the way home. Enlisting was glamourized as being optional but everyone knew that boys were forced into it the second they turned eighteen. The only reason Himchan had escaped the “recommended” draft was because of his only child status. The army wasn’t quite desperate enough to take away a families only child just yet, but it was only a matter of time and self-enlisting gave your families an extra book of rations each week. If he was going to be mandatorily drafted in a few months’ time then he might as well go now and help his family all he could.
With a glance up at Yongguk’s picture on his bulletin board he made up his mind and grabbed a pen to complete the forms. Within a few days he could potentially be in the same country as Yongguk for the first time since they had met. The chances of seeing him out of the thousands and thousands of other Korean soldiers were low, but he had to keep the hope with him or he wouldn’t be able to do this.
“Dinner time sweetheart.” His mother’s smile fell of her lips when she glanced down to see the papers Himchan was trying to jam into his desk drawer. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing.” He jumped up with a forced smile and tried to usher her out of his bedroom. “Let’s go eat!”
She shoved him out of her way and stormed over to rip his drawer back open. “What is this? What are you thinking, Himchan?” She hissed at him, ripping the papers into pieces. “You don’t have to enlist, you’re an only child! You’re exempt!” This was the first time he had ever seen his mother explode in tears. She didn’t even cry when they found out Junhong had ran away, just firmly took his mother by the arm and made her a cup of tea.
“They’re not going to keep that rule, you know that! Not while we’re losing and the soldiers are dying by the handfuls!” He didn’t mention that he had grabbed an extra copy of the application just in case he made a mistake on the first one. “If I enlist voluntarily then you get more rations. Please let me do this.”
“No.” They watched the pieces flutter quietly to the carpet. “I forbid it. Now come eat.” She turned and left the room with stiff shoulders and her head held high.
Not a word was mentioned to his father during the silent meal of a small bowl of rice and vegetables. There wasn’t enough for all three of them and Himchan left the table as hungry as he had been before he sat down.
It had been a month since he had sent Yongguk’s last letter and even though he knew there was no realistic chance of getting a reply he still hoped Yongguk had tried, that he hadn’t just given up on their friendship. But now he had to step up and take charge of his family and Yongguk’s memory would be the thing that gave him the strength to do it.
***
“I leave in three days.”
His mother dropped her head and hid the tears rolling down her cheeks with her hair.
“You shouldn’t have done this, Himchan. We can take care of you.” His father’s voice was thick and his hands were shaking when he reached up to pull his glasses off.
Himchan handed his parents a piece of paper and the extra coupon book they had given him when he brought his forms back. “This is the address you can send me letters to if the mail ever starts back up.”
“You’re our only son.” His mother finally spoke up, words falling out of her lips and spearing Himchan in the heart. “You’re our only baby!”
He knew if he tried to comfort her it would only make her reaction worse so he just nodded and turned towards his bedroom. “I’m sorry.” He whispered under his breath when he reached his door. “I’m sorry mother, I’m sorry father, I’m sorry Junhong, I’m sorry Yongguk.” He undid the pushpins from the only three pictures he wanted to take with him and slid them into the folder that contained all of Yongguk’s letters. “I’m sorry.”
***
The coupon book still lay on the coffee table where he had slid it across earlier. He knew his mother had gone shopping for supper after his announcement, but she had refused to even touch the book. Himchan wanted to scream at her that the only reason he was doing this was to help them, but a sharp glance from his father made him shut his open mouth.
They were halfway through the miniscule bowl of rice and kimchi when the banging started. Someone outside was beating on their door like their life depended on it, not letting up for a second.
“What the…” His father motioned for them to be quiet and crept towards the window to peek outside. “It’s a soldier? Aren’t they stationed in the main part of the city?”
As soon as he opened the door, the boy rushed into the house, duffel dropped to the floor and his hands gripping onto Himchan’s fathers sweater. “Where’s Himchan?” He demanded, all formalities of respect long forgotten. “Himchan? Is he here?”
Himchan was frozen in the kitchen, his eyes locked onto the red checked hat perched on top of the soldier’s head.
“Yongguk?”
Part Three
Rated: PG
Length: 4.4K
Part One
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms (x)
Dear Yongguk,
It’s been three weeks since I sent you a letter and I usually get them every two weeks like clockwork. I was just feeling a little jumpy and wanted to say hello. Please just be busy.
Himchan
***
Yongguk please, please write me back. I don’t even care if that picture of me disgusted you so badly that you don’t want to write anymore, just tell me you’re okay please I’m so worried about you.
***
Himchan,
Will write back when I can. I’m okay. We lost Daehyun.
Yongguk
***
The sight of Yongguk’s familiar scratchy handwriting was such a relief that Himchan sagged against the door, his heart going into overtime.
It had been so long since he had heard from him that he had finally started to tell himself that he might need to adjust to a life with no more Yongguk and that thought frightened him beyond belief. In the last eight or so months since they had started talking Yongguk had become his best friend and their letters were the only things in his busy life that gave him a sense of peace.
Now that he knew Yongguk was alive Himchan could breathe a little easier. He had been on pins and needles for the last month and a half and even his parents were acting terrified for him. There had been nights he had stayed up until dawn obsessively refreshing the governments list of the dead website. He had lost four pounds and his mother finally had to force him to the table to eat dinner every night. The letters Yongguk had written were read and reread every day just so he could keep Yongguk close to him as if that would make him safer.
But Yongguk was okay, Yongguk was still breathing, everything was alright. He didn’t even care why he hadn’t written in so long, just the fact that Yongguk was there was enough assurance for him.
He didn’t know much about Daehyun, but he still felt his loss for Yongguk’s sake. Youngjae and Jongup were the two members on his squad that Yongguk seemed closest to but he had mentioned Daehyun in passing several times so Himchan knew his friend was hurting. Yongguk had told him that Daehyun was his scout, was he killed searching for something? What could they have been searching for and was Yongguk hurt at all? Even if Himchan knew he was alive, he could still be injured. Now he was worried all over again.
And when he refreshed the list of the dead the next night and saw Jung Daehyun listed he cried for the first time since the war had started.
He couldn’t keep Junhong safe and now he knew that nothing he did would keep Yongguk safe either.
***
Dear Yongguk,
You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay, that’s all that matters. Take as long as you need to write back I’m just so happy you aren’t hurt that I haven’t stopped smiling all day.
I bought every package of that licorice candy you told me you liked and I know Youngjae and Jongup split the pretzels. Please tell them I’m sorry and that I’m thinking of them, okay?
And you know that I’m always thinking of you.
Himchan
***
“We’re going to be captured and burned alive because of that idiot.” Youngjae glared at the newest member of their squad. “He missed three landmines and two hidden snipers on his last test.”
Yongguk yawned as he tugged his dirty jacket up over his eyes. “He’s new, Youngjae. We have to train him up. Daehyun had to be trained when he started, too.”
They didn’t like to mention Daehyun’s name to each other very often. The memory of their friends death was still fresh in every member of the squad’s mind. Their mission might have been classified as a success but to all of them it was a resounding failure.
***
Dear Himchan,
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write in a while. Things have been so crazy around here. We had an important mission and we’re just now getting settled in back at our base. I’m so tired and all I want to do is sleep for two days straight, but I knew you had to be worried so I wanted to write a quick letter.
Have you ever seen someone die? Watched the way their eyes dulled and then nothing? I see that so much that it doesn’t even phase me anymore.
It’s rough, it’s so fucking rough, Himchan.
They gave us a new scout this week and I’ve been working from before sunrise till midnight every night trying to train him and he’s just not good enough. And if you can’t trust your scout then what do you do? He’s the one who’s supposed to go ahead of my squad and then report back if things are safe. But he’s young and inexperienced and keeps making little mistakes that Daehyun never would have done. Daehyun was the best scout I’ve ever worked with.
Going to bed now. My next letter won’t be so dark. I’m sorry.
Yongguk
***
Himchan had missed the sight of his father carrying in a letter for him with Yongguk’s writing covering the front, writing that was almost as familiar to him now as his own. He practically shoved him down as he grabbed excitedly for the thin envelope, calming down only long enough to carefully open it.
Yongguk was still hurting. He could feel his anguish through the dips in the paper his pen had made. All the boxes of candy in the world wouldn’t make his friend feel better. The war was taking its toll on Yongguk and Himchan was finally starting to see the small cracks in the overly calm and impenetrable shell Yongguk wore.
He needed to let Yongguk know that he could depend on him, that he shared his burden.
***
Dear Yongguk,
I lied to you in my first letter. I didn’t join the Cheer Up a Soldier program just to be charitable. Someone close to me is also a soldier and I did this for him. I don’t even know if he’s alive. The last time I saw Junhong he was a baby-faced sixteen year old with the whole world waiting for him and he ran away from it all. I’ve been teaching him piano since he was six and he was my favorite student. Our parents even had Christmas dinner together and at our last holiday he composed a song to thank me for teaching him. I sometimes wonder if I can go to his home and ask his parents for the sheet music just so I can play it myself because I can barely remember the notes anymore.
When he turned sixteen he confessed he had feelings for me. I turned him down and it broke his heart. He disappeared the next day and left a note only saying he had enlisted
Every day I wonder where he is, if he’s okay, if he still hates me for what happened.
I guess I wanted in the program to get closer to him. I thought maybe this would help me find him and then I could bring Junhong home where he belonged. His parents don’t know what happened between us. They still keep me updated on their search for him, neither of them knowing the guilt I feel every time they visit. I’m the reason he left. When I told him that I didn’t feel the same way he turned into a stranger right in front of me.
You asked if I’ve ever seen someone die. I saw my Junhong die that day.
Himchan
P.S. Does this mean that I’m using you?
***
It took Yongguk a week after he received Himchan’s letter to write him back. It wasn’t that he was angry over finding out the truth, he just didn’t know how to respond. How do you tell someone who thinks they are horrible that they’re not, that they’re actually wonderful and caring and shouldn’t blame themselves for other people’s mistakes?
“Yongguk!” Youngjae popped his head around the corner, a wide grin on his dirty face. “All the boys are meeting up in the rec room for some beer and music. They picked up a Russian pop station on the radio and Jongup said he’d dance if we gave him some of our food rations.” Youngjae had taken Daehyun’s death the hardest out of them all since they were the closest in age and bunked together. He wasn’t sure how his second in command would have kept going if Jongup wasn’t there for support. He had watched the two of them grow closer over the last year and Daehyun's death might have been the push they needed.
He placed his notebook back on his bed and stood up with a stretch, ignoring the pops his sore back was making.
Himchan’s letter deserved to be thought about some more anyways.
***
Himchan,
I’m glad you told me the truth, but even if you hadn’t that’s okay too.
There’s no way Junhong could hate you. His feelings were hurt and he went too far. He’s a kid and kids just do stupid shit. There’s no reason for you to feel guilt over what he did, that was his decision and it was a stupid one.
You’re a great person, Himchan. Probably the best one I know. The boys in my squad like to joke that your letters cheer me up even more than putting a bullet in a Russian’s head. Your words make me feel important, that I’m fighting for something meaningful.
It’s been too cold to feel happy with much lately. We go to bed with every blanket we can find on us and wake up with stiff bones and blue fingers. My hands are shaking as I write this so I’m sorry if it’s too hard to read.
Russia is so cold and snowy it makes Korean winters seem like a beach vacation. How is the weather back home? Is it nice? Remind me what the sun feels like because I think after two years over here I’m starting to forget.
I asked my Commander if he had come across anyone fitting Junhong’s description and he said there’s a lot more underage kids enlisting than the army likes to admit. Being overseas and fighting seems romantic I guess. There’s just too many busy who change their names and forge birth certificates to appear older. I don’t think I could find him Himchan, I’m so sorry.
I meant what I wrote- you are an amazing person and I am proud to call you my friend.
Yongguk
P.S. I think we’re both kinda using each other to feel better. I’m okay with that.
***
Yongguk’s letter lifted a tiny bit of the weight off of Himchan’s chest. He still felt the heavy guilt, he probably always would unless Junhong came home safe. But he felt a little bitter getting what had happened off his chest.
There was no way he could describe the look in Junhong’s eyes as he told Himchan he loved him, had loved him for the last three years and could he ever feel the same way?
“No.” He was so shocked his voice came out sharper than he had intended it to and the way Junhong had flinched from his loud tone was forever etched in his memory. “What are you even thinking, Junhong? I’m your teacher and you’re so much younger than me. We could never work.”
Junhong’s eyes had turned cold before he had even finished speaking. “Thank you.” Even his voice was filled with ice, all traces of the sweet boy he had known and cared about for the last decade was now gone. “I’m happy you didn’t soften it to spare my feelings. No hope is better than false hope.”
He turned to leave before Himchan could grab his sleeve. “Please, don’t g-“
“Don’t sugarcoat anything now.” The younger boy’s shoulders were stiff and he refused to turn back around. “Goodbye Himchan.”
The next morning he had gotten the frantic call from Junhong’s parents, hysterical as they tried to locate their youngest child.
No, Himchan would never let go of that burden.
Taking care of Yongguk the way he couldn’t take care of Junhong was the only therapy he allowed himself. And he knew the perfect thing to do for him.
***
Yongguk,
I hope you get this package soon! Since its spring here all of the winter stuff is on sale so I searched for the best brands. There’s several pairs of wool socks that you can layer together at night. They’re a little scratchy but the saleswoman said they were the best for cold weather. And the gloves are real leather. I’m hoping you’re not one of those animal rights activists, but they were the thickest pair that had fur inside of them.
I also sent a hat, but it’s really ugly so it won’t hurt my feelings if you don’t want to wear it. I just was worried your ears would also be cold at night since you have such short hair.
Please wear them and stay warm, okay?
Here are a couple pictures of the park that I took yesterday. It’s been so pretty outside that I’ve been doing my homework there in the afternoons. Do you ever get to come home from the army? I mean I know there’s a war going on and you can’t just up and leave but you’ve been there for almost two years now and you would think the army would want their leaders in top form and would give them a tiny break to recoup. If you ever do get a break then I want to take you to this park. Not many people visit it because it’s so small compared to the one a few blocks away. That’s why I like it so much though. It’s quiet and calm and my heart feels peaceful when I’m here.
I think you would enjoy it as much as I do.
Himchan
P.S. Share these bags of candy with your squad, you pig!
***
The dozen or so bags of candy in the bottom of his box looked inviting but Yongguk could practically see the snarl on Himchan’s bow shaped lips. He reluctantly pulled eight out for the other boys in his squad and hid the other handful deep inside his duffel.
The brightly colored red checked hat with soft ear flaps brought a smile to his lips. He wasn’t embarrassed in the slightest to slip it on over his head. Everyone knew better than to laugh at their leader and if they didn’t then he had a pretty sharp right hook that would drive the point across. Besides, the hat was indescribably warm and if anything the others should be jealous they didn’t have one.
Youngjae’s eyes slanted at him in amusement when he entered the rec room with his armful of treats, but he wisely kept his mouth shut.
“He told me I had to share.” Yongguk sullenly answered his silent question as he handed over one of the precious bags.
“Hmm.” Youngjae replied noncommittally. He ripped the end off with his teeth and spit it out onto the floor. “He’d never know if you decided to keep them for yourself.”
“Yes he would.” Yongguk answered with a barely there quirk of his lips that almost slipped past Youngjae.
Almost.
***
Dear Himchan,
Thanks for the package. I’ve been staying a lot warmer at night and haven’t been waking up freezing every morning. Jongup tried to take a pair of the socks off while I was sleeping though. When I found out about it he had to do two extra hours in the trenches so it shouldn’t happen again.
Yes, I get a leave, but I’ve never taken it. I think it’s part of the reason I was promoted so early to the captain position. They knew I took my job seriously by my commitment to it. My mother’s written a few times asking me to come home but I never can reply to her. Replying just to tell her no would break her and I’m too much of a coward to deal with that. Leaving your attachments behind you when you ship out is the only way to survive.
If I had known how close I would end up to you I probably would have ignored your letter, too.
Yongguk
P.S. But I’m glad I didn’t.
***
The war was edging past two years with still no end in sight. More countries had joined the movement and it had only accelerated things. Yongguk’s letters now arrived around three weeks after he sent them so Himchan had only received four new ones in a more than three months.
Korea was finally starting to feel the pinch from the fighting. Tensions ran high and products started to run low. Families were given strict amounts of hard to get items each week. Imports were almost nonexistent and Himchan was scared their letters would be the next impossible burden he went through.
“Two more months.” His father placed his glasses on the table and rubbed bleary eyes. “That’s how long they think we’ll have regular postal service for.”
That meant that not only would he lose all contact with Yongguk, but his father would also be at risk of losing his job.
What would happen to them?
***
Dear Yongguk,
Sometimes I don’t even remember what life was like before Russia declared war on America. We should have been better prepared for this. It isn’t like they didn’t warn us this would happen. But humans are so ignorant, so full of themselves. “This could never happen to us.” Idiots. We are all just idiots.
My father thinks this might be the last letter that will get to you. He said the mail might be done for before you can even reply back. You won’t even get to say goodbye to me.
What am I supposed to do if I can’t write to you anymore? You’re the only thing I have that’s mine. My degree doesn’t belong to me, what will six years of music get me? My mother wanted me to do it because I play so many instruments, but honestly, what will it do for me?
Not even the piano is mine and mine alone anymore. It made me happy for so long and when Junhong left I lost all love for it. That was my punishment for what I did to him.
But your letters, your words meant just for my eyes, those are mine.
And now I won’t have that.
Maybe I should enlist and do something useful. Then I could deserve your friendship, your grand thoughts of what kind of person you think I am. Because I’m not that person right now.
If I never hear from you again then goodbye. You are the best person I’ve ever known and I am proud to call you my greatest friend, Yongguk.
Himchan
P.S. Stay safe.
***
Pro and con lists were the best way Himchan knew to decide things. Once he had a visual list of something was worth it or not then his brain felt like it had to stick with the smartest option. As he read over the list on his desk his stomach started filling with icy lead. There was only one rational outcome to his problem and it was the one that terrified him.
They needed money and they needed food more than anything. Now that his father was unemployed the only income they had coming in was Himchan’s piano lessons and even that was drying up. Every family was feeling the crunch from the economy collapse, even the well-off ones. He was down to seven students a week and one tiny composition class at the local community center. It wasn’t enough to feed three people and they were all starving.
He glanced over at the flyer he had picked up on the way home. Enlisting was glamourized as being optional but everyone knew that boys were forced into it the second they turned eighteen. The only reason Himchan had escaped the “recommended” draft was because of his only child status. The army wasn’t quite desperate enough to take away a families only child just yet, but it was only a matter of time and self-enlisting gave your families an extra book of rations each week. If he was going to be mandatorily drafted in a few months’ time then he might as well go now and help his family all he could.
With a glance up at Yongguk’s picture on his bulletin board he made up his mind and grabbed a pen to complete the forms. Within a few days he could potentially be in the same country as Yongguk for the first time since they had met. The chances of seeing him out of the thousands and thousands of other Korean soldiers were low, but he had to keep the hope with him or he wouldn’t be able to do this.
“Dinner time sweetheart.” His mother’s smile fell of her lips when she glanced down to see the papers Himchan was trying to jam into his desk drawer. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing.” He jumped up with a forced smile and tried to usher her out of his bedroom. “Let’s go eat!”
She shoved him out of her way and stormed over to rip his drawer back open. “What is this? What are you thinking, Himchan?” She hissed at him, ripping the papers into pieces. “You don’t have to enlist, you’re an only child! You’re exempt!” This was the first time he had ever seen his mother explode in tears. She didn’t even cry when they found out Junhong had ran away, just firmly took his mother by the arm and made her a cup of tea.
“They’re not going to keep that rule, you know that! Not while we’re losing and the soldiers are dying by the handfuls!” He didn’t mention that he had grabbed an extra copy of the application just in case he made a mistake on the first one. “If I enlist voluntarily then you get more rations. Please let me do this.”
“No.” They watched the pieces flutter quietly to the carpet. “I forbid it. Now come eat.” She turned and left the room with stiff shoulders and her head held high.
Not a word was mentioned to his father during the silent meal of a small bowl of rice and vegetables. There wasn’t enough for all three of them and Himchan left the table as hungry as he had been before he sat down.
It had been a month since he had sent Yongguk’s last letter and even though he knew there was no realistic chance of getting a reply he still hoped Yongguk had tried, that he hadn’t just given up on their friendship. But now he had to step up and take charge of his family and Yongguk’s memory would be the thing that gave him the strength to do it.
***
“I leave in three days.”
His mother dropped her head and hid the tears rolling down her cheeks with her hair.
“You shouldn’t have done this, Himchan. We can take care of you.” His father’s voice was thick and his hands were shaking when he reached up to pull his glasses off.
Himchan handed his parents a piece of paper and the extra coupon book they had given him when he brought his forms back. “This is the address you can send me letters to if the mail ever starts back up.”
“You’re our only son.” His mother finally spoke up, words falling out of her lips and spearing Himchan in the heart. “You’re our only baby!”
He knew if he tried to comfort her it would only make her reaction worse so he just nodded and turned towards his bedroom. “I’m sorry.” He whispered under his breath when he reached his door. “I’m sorry mother, I’m sorry father, I’m sorry Junhong, I’m sorry Yongguk.” He undid the pushpins from the only three pictures he wanted to take with him and slid them into the folder that contained all of Yongguk’s letters. “I’m sorry.”
***
The coupon book still lay on the coffee table where he had slid it across earlier. He knew his mother had gone shopping for supper after his announcement, but she had refused to even touch the book. Himchan wanted to scream at her that the only reason he was doing this was to help them, but a sharp glance from his father made him shut his open mouth.
They were halfway through the miniscule bowl of rice and kimchi when the banging started. Someone outside was beating on their door like their life depended on it, not letting up for a second.
“What the…” His father motioned for them to be quiet and crept towards the window to peek outside. “It’s a soldier? Aren’t they stationed in the main part of the city?”
As soon as he opened the door, the boy rushed into the house, duffel dropped to the floor and his hands gripping onto Himchan’s fathers sweater. “Where’s Himchan?” He demanded, all formalities of respect long forgotten. “Himchan? Is he here?”
Himchan was frozen in the kitchen, his eyes locked onto the red checked hat perched on top of the soldier’s head.
“Yongguk?”
Part Three