Trustworthy *chapter fifteen*
Pairing: HimDae
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.5K
Neither cared that Yongguk had been underneath cars all day and was covered in grease and oil, neither had a second thought about Daehyun asleep just feet away. The only thing they knew was the way each other’s tongue tasted and how they still fit together like two pieces to a puzzle.
Jongup’s body slid in tight against him, hands gripping tightly onto the taller boy’s hips, either from anxiousness or possessiveness, or maybe even to just keep himself upright. Yongguk’s tongue was warm and slick against his own, arms winding around his neck to tug against his hair.
“Guppie…” He had to pull away, had to breathe, his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Yongguk’s head cracked against the wall behind him, eyes still clenched tightly closed as Jongup’s kisses grew softer and softer across his jawbone.
“Don’t talk.” Jongup warned him, nails still digging through his shirt. “Don’t say it. Don’t tell me this was a mistake and then leave me again.”
He wanted nothing more than to fall into Jongup and never recover.
“You’re only fifteen.” Yongguk finally murmured. “And we don’t live in the same city anymore. I can’t just get my janitor’s job back at the studio and act like everything’s the same. We’ve both changed.”
“So we’ll change together.” He was underestimating Jongup’s stubbornness. He hadn’t spent fifteen years being Himchan’s little brother and learned nothing. “Don’t do this to me again. I swear I will hate you for the rest of my life.”
Yongguk sighed, fingers making waves through Jongup’s brown hair. “Then how would we do this?” He asked finally.
“We stay quiet.” Jongup snuck a peek back at Daehyun, relieved to still hear his snoring. “And we can see each other on webcam.” His smile was shy as he rested his head on Yongguk’s shoulder. “Your school isn’t too far from me. We’re closer together than you and Busan are. When I get my license I can visit every few weekends. We can do this, Yongguk. I know we can.”
His heart was racing, he was so close to having everything he wanted, but Yongguk was terrified. He had barely survived the heartbreak of his brother’s beating, if Jongup also started to chip away at the few pieces he had managed to put back together, he knew he wouldn’t live through it.
“Guppie, I-“
“But I love you!” Jongup was near tears, his hands roaming anywhere they could touch, inhaling every bit of Yongguk that he could in case this was all he would be allowed. “Please don’t, please don't do this.”
Yongguk gently pried his fingers off his shirt and carefully pushed him away. “We need to ta-“
“We don’t need to talk!” Jongup jumped away from Yongguk, chest heaving as he fought hard to control himself. “There’s nothing to talk about! It’s been two and a half years, Yongguk! And look at us! We can’t stay away from each other, you know it Yongguk.” His face crumpled when he realized Yongguk wasn’t going to reply. “I can’t stay here.” Shaking his head, he rushed to Daehyun’s room and grabbed his suitcase, for once glad that he didn’t take the time to unpack.
“Jongup, you can’t leave at eight pm.” Yongguk grabbed him around the waist when he tried to storm past him to the door. “The buses will stop running soon and you’ll be stranded God knows where.”
“What do you care?” He tried to twist his way out of the tight hold, but Yongguk had been holding back for so long that he wasn’t going to let him get away so easily.
His breath blew softly against Jongup’s nape. “You know how much I care.” He murmured, pulling the smaller boy against his chest and burying his face in his hair. “You, Zelo and Daehyun are everything to me, Guppie. I just want to keep you safe, keep you happy, and I can’t do that when things are so complicated.”
“Then uncomplicate them.” Jongup leaned his head back against his shoulder. He dropped his bag and raised his hands up to grip Yongguk’s hair. “Make it better.”
“Guppie…” Lips brushed against Jongup’s jaw, his head tilting more to give him room. “Baby, I-“
“Jonguppie?” Daehyun’s confused voice had them scrambling to opposite ends of the room. He rubbed his sleepy eyes and smiled at Yongguk. “Hey hyung. How was work?”
Yongguk plastered a fake grin on his face. “Great, great. They put me straight to work and paid me in cash so I thought I would take Junhong to the movies tomorrow night. You and Jongup can come too, but I thought you two would rather have the house to yourselves since you’ve been apart for so long.” He snuck a glance at Jongup, the younger boy still breathing heavily from his place by the fridge. “I’m going to go take a shower.”
Daehyun frowned as Yongguk awkwardly left. “Did he seem uncomfortable to you?” His eyes turned to his friend and landed on the suitcase. “Is that your bag? What is it doing out here?”
Hurriedly grabbing it and throwing it into Daehyun’s room, Jongup stammered a multitude of excuses about what he was doing with it, never noticing Daehyun’s suspicious eyes.
“Something happened.” He finally spoke up. “Between you and Yongguk-hyung.”
Jongup reddened, his fingers nervously coming up to tug on his bottom lip.
“You kissed him?” Daehyun was suddenly wide awake. “You kissed Yongguk?”
His friend shrugged and tried to put a smile on his face. “I’ll tell you what happened when you tell me what happened between you and Himchan. Or is it something you don’t want to talk about?”
Daehyun bit his lip, part of him dying to know what was happening, but the other part still scared to death to reveal just how deep he was in with his best friend’s brother.
“Jonguppie?” He wasn’t sure how to ask the question without possibly offending him. “Are you… Are you gay?”
Jongup shrugged. “I don’t think about things like that, Daehyun. If a pretty girl walks past me I’m going to turn around and look. And if a cute boy does it I’m still going to look.”
When Jongup sat back down on the couch next to him, Daehyun waited for what felt like ages for him to speak.
“Aren’t you going to ask me the same question?” He finally blurted out, wanting to get it out in the open.
Jongup grabbed a pillow and laid it in Daehyun’s lap, throwing himself over top of him. “I’ve known the answer to that for years, Dae. I don’t need to ask it. You’re Daehyun and I’m Jongup and that’s all that I care about.”
---
Merry Christmas, Daehyun-ah
His face paled at the words on his screen. Himchan typed these words. Himchan sat down with his phone and thought of him as he carefully pecked at the keys.
“What’s wrong?” Yongguk could see the nervousness on his face and quickly rushed to his side. He glanced down at the outstretched phone and nodded. “Ah. How long has it been?”
“Over a year.” He mumbled through numb lips. “Why would he send me this? Why now? Do I say something back? What do I do?”
Yongguk chuckled at his reaction, gently taking the phone out of his hands and laying it on the couch. “You don’t have to reply right away. Come finish decorating the tree with us and think about it for a couple hours. For all he knows you’re busy with family and don’t have your phone with you.”
He nodded and joined Youngjae back at the tree, helping him wind the garland around the bottom. Zelo was asked to help, but like he did every year, instead spent the time on the couch watching the others do all the work. His newly dyed blue hair shone like a spotlight in the dim room. Rae-Ha had almost cried when she saw his sweetly curled dark hair straightened and tinted a few weeks ago. She had immediately phoned his therapist who tried to explain that not every out of character thing the little boy did would mean he was moving backwards. Sometimes teenagers do crazy things.
But she still felt a pain in her heart every time she looked at him.
Zelo’s eyes watched Youngjae kick Daehyun out of the way so he could fix his side of the tree. His eyes started to crinkle up in the corners, but his mouth remained unmoving, the scar under his lip a permanent reminder of why he was the way he was.
“Come help!” Youngjae ordered, pointing to the tree. “Or I’m not letting you have any of the cake my mom sent for dessert!”
He shook his head, content to just watch everyone.
By the time they had finished the tree and Rae-Ha deemed it acceptable it was suppertime and the four growing boys in her house were starving. She set the table and stood back, letting them pillage the bowls and bowls of food she had spent hours cooking.
“You’re pigs.” She scoffed, setting a plate for her father to eat when he arrived home. His days consisted of working or doing odd jobs around town. He claimed it was because he was bored but everyone knew he did it to stay out of the loud, crowded house as long as possible. “Don’t make yourselves sick. Don’t forget, Youngjae brought a cake.”
Yongguk’s phone went off and he answered the text with a large grin and a blush spread across his cheeks.
“Tell Jongup I said hi.” Daehyun muttered sarcastically. “I haven’t talked to him in a week. Sharing is caring, hyung.”
He cried out when Yongguk’s hand slapped him on the back of the head. “Don’t be jealous, Daehyunnie. Hyung always has time for you.”
His lip curled up in disgust. In his eyes Yongguk was a brother and always would be. “That’s gross.”
As Yongguk turned his attention to Zelo, the younger boy’s chair pushed flush up against Youngjae’s, Daehyun couldn’t help the warm feeling filling his chest. This was his family.
So why did his heart hurt?
Later that evening he took a deep breath and quickly typed out a reply on his phone, not giving himself any time to look it over and overthink things, pressing send as soon as he was done.
Thank you, Himchan-hyung. I hope you have a happy Christmas!
~~~
It would have been better if you were still here.
---
“Are you ready for summer?” Rae-Ha came up behind Daehyun as he finished his breakfast and ruffled his hair. “Got any big plans?”
He shrugged. “Not really. Youngjae and Zelo will probably go off and do everything on their own and hyung told me he is going to work all summer.”
She tsked and shook her head. “Well that just sounds lonely. Wouldn’t you rather be spending it with Jongup?”
Her tone was suspicious. “I guess so.” He replied carefully, turning around to narrow his eyes at her. “Why?”
“So if you could spend all summer with Jongup you would do it?” Rae-Ha’s eyes twinkled and Daehyun started to get a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“What are you talking about? What did you do?”
She covered her mouth with her hands and jumped up and down before blurting “You’re spending the summer at Jongup’s!”
Daehyun was speechless. Surely his mother wasn’t going to send him off with no warning. After all the excuses about why he couldn’t visit Jongup, couldn’t spend holidays with them, refused to even go there for a single weekend. How could you possibly miss his hints?
“E-Excuse me?” He finally choked out. “Do I get a say in this?”
“Nope. Mi-Ra was practically in tears as she begged me to send you and she wanted it to be a surprise for you and Jongup. Next summer you’ll be seventeen and you’ll be getting ready for senior year so this is her last chance to spend time with you and you’re going to stop being a sulking brat and go.” She pointed to his bedroom. “Yongguk will be home at noon to drive you. Go pack.
---
Daehyun chewed his nails the whole way to Jongup’s, his fingers a stumpy mess by the time they pulled in.
“You nervous?” Yongguk chuckled, already knowing the answer. “Don’t worry. I’ll be right there all night. If you really want to go home tomorrow, I’ll take you.”
He smiled thankfully. “It would have been nice to have more than a three hour warning that I was going to be spending the next two months at Jongup’s.”
“Rae-Ha seemed to think you’d find a way out of it if you were told any earlier.”
Daehyun really couldn’t deny it. Knowing he was a few minutes away from seeing Himchan for the first time in almost three years was giving him such an upset stomach that he felt like vomiting.
He wondered if it would be acceptable to ask Yongguk to turn around when Mi-Ra burst through the front door and raced down the sidewalk towards them.
“Daehyun!” She shrieked, jerking the passenger door open and ripping him out of the seat into her arms. “Look at how big you are! Oh my goodness, you are taller than my Jongup now. I bet he just hates that. Good. Oh and Yongguk, it’s so nice to see you again. Jongup mentioned you two would be doing more tutoring today. He’s in his room.” When Yongguk quickly bowed and ran off, she snorted. “Tutoring, my ass.” She turned back to the boy squished against her chest and held his cheeks in her palms. “My baby.”
“Hello.” Daehyun smiled widely at the woman he hadn’t seen in close to half a year. “So have you missed me or not?”
She sighed and slapped the back of his head. “I’ve not missed your attitude! Come inside. I made you cookies and I baked a cake and we’re having all of your favorites for supper. Jongup will probably be…” Her nose crinkled. “Well I know his “tutoring” keeps them occupied for a while. So it’s just you and me! I want to hear all about your schoolwork, your friends, your town, your mother, everything! And your cute little accent is back! I miss the tiny little boy with the thick accent who used to sit at my counter and eat everything in sight.”
He stopped at the threshold to the home and looked at her wearily. “So it’s just you and Jongup home right now?”
“Mmhmm, his father will be home from work around suppertime and Himchan is out w- Oh!” She froze and stared curiously at him. “Daehyun? Are you worried about seeing Himchan again after three years?”
He stammered out something that sounded vaguely like a refusal. “I d-don’t-“
“He’ll be home this evening.” She interrupted, not wanting to make him too uncomfortable. “Have you heard anything from him lately?” Her lips thinned. “There’s been some new things happen...”
Daehyun shook his head, eyes too busy roaming around the long-missed home and catching all the little details he had forgotten about. “You painted the kitchen.”
She smiled and ushered him towards the table. “Jongup changed his room a little bit, too. His walls are green now and we got him a new desk and computer for Christmas.”
They had made their way through half the plate of cookies by the time Jongup and Yongguk emerged from the bedroom. Jongup’s eyes were bright and his cheeks red as he pulled a messy haired Yongguk out behind him.
“Daehyunnie!” He wrapped his arms around his best friend and squeezed tightly. “Oh wow, you got your braces off, your teeth look so great! I can’t believe you get to stay here for two months! Mom just told me this morning.”
He smiled. “Yeah I didn’t know about it either. It’s weird being back in the city. Doesn’t really feel like home anymore.”
Yongguk scoffed. “Tell me about it. Every time I’m here I keep looking over my shoulder worried I’m going to find someone I used to work with.”
Jongup knew how worried the older boy was at the thought of running into someone who might have held a hand at hurting Zelo. He squeezed his fingers under the table and let his hand rest on Yongguk’s thigh, out of the view of everyone.
They decided to move into Jongup’s room so that Mi-Ra could start supper, Daehyun not even blinking when Jongup plopped himself down into Yongguk’s lap and gave him a smile so sweet it could melt sugar.
“I’m in the room.” He told them dryly, spinning around in the computer chair. “Try not to scar my eyes for life.”
“Jealous?” Yongguk mumbled with his face squished against Jongup’s neck.
Jongup jumped, remembering something. “Daehyun! I forgot to mention… That thing you had for my brother, it’s not still there is it? I mean, you don’t still have feelings for him do you?”
He caught eyes with Yongguk, the elder looking at him with sympathy.
“Of course not.” He lied with ease. “That was three years ago. We haven’t even seen each other since I moved away.”
Jongup looked suspicious but didn’t question it, his attention going back to his boyfriend. “Well that’s good then.” He told Daehyun while staring at Yongguk’s lips, thumb tracing across the soft skin. “Because apparently the little part of Himchan that thought he might be gay has disappeared.”
“What do you mean?” Daehyun was proud of the way he controlled his voice, but he had to hide his trembling hands behind his back.
“Just trust me. He’s back to his old asshole self.” Jongup looked mesmerized by the way Yongguk’s lips moved when he smiled at him and never finished his train of thought. “Do you really have to go home tomorrow? I want you to stay.”
Yongguk held his hand still and kissed the pads of his fingers gently. “I’m sorry. I have to work every day or I can’t afford my tuition and dorm. You know I’ll call you all the time.”
Daehyun tried not to gag at the sappy way they treated each other. He had been dealing with it ever since he walked out of the house one night and saw Jongup pressing Yongguk against a tree, hand deep inside his shorts as Yongguk made noises that were going to haunt him till he died.
After that they decided that since Daehyun knew there was no reason to hold back when he was around.
He hated it.
“You guys know you don’t have to do that with me in the room, right?” He shifted awkwardly on the bed. “I can go help with supper or run in front of a train…”
They still didn’t pay him attention, Jongup now whispering things into Yongguk’s ear that had his eyes fluttering and his palms gripping onto the bed sheets.
“Well I guess I’m gonna just go.” Daehyun backed himself towards the door, eyes trained on the ceiling above him, choosing to ignore the loud breaths coming from the other end of the room. “I’ll be in the kitchen if anyone needs me. Yep.” His hand fumbled with the doorknob and he jerked it open behind him. “Just… Gonna…” He trailed off and just left, realizing no one in the room cared that he wasn’t there anymore.
At first it hurt his feelings that his best friend would rather spend time with someone else when they barely got to see each other, but after months and months of it he just rolled his eyes and moved on. Besides, if he had someone that looked at him the way Yongguk looked at Jongup he knew he would be the same way. Eyes that worshiped you and followed your every move, eyes that softened every time they turned your direction.
He leaned back against the hallway and took a deep breath, trying to tell his heart to stop beating Himchan’s name inside of him. For all he knew Himchan regretted ever showing him his that other side and would pretend he didn’t even know him this whole summer.
But that didn’t mean Daehyun could just as easily forget him.
---
“Is there anything in particular you wanted to do this summer, Daehyun?” Mi-Ra handed him a spoon to stir the rice with as she busied herself with chopping the vegetables. “Any old places you wanted to visit?”
He honestly couldn’t think of any. Moving to Busan relieved so much stress off his shoulders that he felt leery every time he thought of coming back. The city itself didn’t hold any good memories for him. “I don’t know.” He said softly, concentrating on the food.
“That’s alright.” Mi-Ra smiled gently at him. She knew Daehyun didn’t want to visit and she had a pretty good idea of why, but she was glad he was there anyway. There was no way she was going to push him further from her than he already was. “We’re going to have a great two months together sweetheart, I promise.”
Suddenly Daehyun felt the last three years of guilt over how he treated her wash over him like a wave. No matter how many times he ignored her phone calls or refused her repeated requests to visit, she was always there waiting patiently and lovingly for him to return.
She jumped in shock when she felt Daehyun’s skinny arms wrap around her waist. “Daehyun, what’s wr-?”
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, dropping his head to her shoulder in shame. “For being a brat.”
Mi-Ra chuckled and patted his hair. “Mothers can never stay angry at their babies. And you’ll always be my baby, Daehyun.” She hesitated, her hand freezing mid-stroke. “Speaking of my babies, there’s something you should know before Himchan gets home.” Before she could finish, the doorknob jiggled as a set of keys unlocked it, causing Mi-Ra to grimace. “Too late.”
Daehyun stood in shock as the boy he had been avoiding for three years walked through the door. The shock of jet black hair, the dark eyes, the milk white skin that that he knew contrasted so sharply with his own dark tone, all of it made his body jolt, the only thing keeping him tethered to the ground was the strong arm around his neck.
“Breathe baby.” Mi-Ra whispered into his ear. “And I’m so, so sorry.”
Himchan turned to the kitchen to greet his mother, his smile falling off his lips when he saw who else was there. His eyes pulled together in a frown and he opened his mouth to speak but nothing would come out.
“Look who’s staying with us for a couple months!” Mi-Ra tried to break the awkward silence, but the two boys didn’t even acknowledge they heard her, their eyes still trained firmly on each other.
“Daehyun-ah?” Himchan’s voice was a lot deeper than Daehyun remembered it, the soft raspiness still there, but now it was combined with a manliness that sent shockwaves through his system. The older (and still taller, Daehyun noticed) boy took a step towards him but stopped and paled. “Oh n-… Daehyun, this isn’t-“
“Oppa?” A high-pitched pouty voice spoke up outside the door before a dress-clad girl with legs that looked longer than Daehyun’s whole body strolled in. Her blood red manicured nails wrapped around Himchan’s wrist. “You forgot to give me a kiss goodbye.”
Himchan looked helplessly between the unnamed girl and Daehyun’s crushed expression. “Daehy-“
“Oppa?” She turned her head and narrowed her eyes at Daehyun, eying him from his head to his toes with obvious distaste. “Who are you?” Her tone showed everyone that she noticed the way the stranger was looking at Himchan and she did not approve.
“J-Jung Daehyun.” He answered quietly, his hand finding Mi-Ra’s and squeezing it tightly. “I’m Jongup’s best friend.”
She pursed her lips and took another step towards Himchan, turning his face towards hers. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right Himchannie?”
Himchan wanted to say so many things at that moment. So many things to Daehyun and just one thing to her.
“Sure.” He plastered a smile on his face and managed not to look at Daehyun’s expression when her lips slid over top of his own. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see his reaction.
What if he looked heartbroken?
What if he didn’t?
She gave Daehyun one last calculating look before smiling sweetly to Mi-Ra and strutting out.
Mi-Ra made an excuse about needing to check the laundry and left the two silent boys alone in the kitchen.
“What are you doing here?”
He flinched at the hint of anger in the older boy’s voice. “I’m staying for the summer.” Daehyun chewed on his lower lip and refused to look up into his eyes. “Is that okay?”
Himchan snorted. “Why should I care? How considerate of you to come visit us for the first time in three years. I hope this visit won’t interrupt your busy life away from here.”
Daehyun dared to look up through his hair, surprised to see Himchan’s face red with anger. “That’s not very nice, hyung. Just because I didn’t come to visit doesn’t mean I don’t c-“
“Don’t.” Himchan set his jaw tightly and stormed towards the smaller boy, backing him against the fridge. “Don’t tell me you care. Not now. Not after years of nothing.”
“Who was she?” Daehyun finally asked. He could feel his heart breaking even before Himchan's reply came and shattered it into tiny glass shards.
Himchan’s eyes focused on his puffy lips, the way they parted as Daehyun breathed heavily under his hold.
“Her name is Heeyoung.” Himchan finally realized how close they were and what he was doing and let him go, stepping back and slipping the uncaring mask back over his face. “She’s my girlfriend.”
(sixteen)
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.5K
Neither cared that Yongguk had been underneath cars all day and was covered in grease and oil, neither had a second thought about Daehyun asleep just feet away. The only thing they knew was the way each other’s tongue tasted and how they still fit together like two pieces to a puzzle.
Jongup’s body slid in tight against him, hands gripping tightly onto the taller boy’s hips, either from anxiousness or possessiveness, or maybe even to just keep himself upright. Yongguk’s tongue was warm and slick against his own, arms winding around his neck to tug against his hair.
“Guppie…” He had to pull away, had to breathe, his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Yongguk’s head cracked against the wall behind him, eyes still clenched tightly closed as Jongup’s kisses grew softer and softer across his jawbone.
“Don’t talk.” Jongup warned him, nails still digging through his shirt. “Don’t say it. Don’t tell me this was a mistake and then leave me again.”
He wanted nothing more than to fall into Jongup and never recover.
“You’re only fifteen.” Yongguk finally murmured. “And we don’t live in the same city anymore. I can’t just get my janitor’s job back at the studio and act like everything’s the same. We’ve both changed.”
“So we’ll change together.” He was underestimating Jongup’s stubbornness. He hadn’t spent fifteen years being Himchan’s little brother and learned nothing. “Don’t do this to me again. I swear I will hate you for the rest of my life.”
Yongguk sighed, fingers making waves through Jongup’s brown hair. “Then how would we do this?” He asked finally.
“We stay quiet.” Jongup snuck a peek back at Daehyun, relieved to still hear his snoring. “And we can see each other on webcam.” His smile was shy as he rested his head on Yongguk’s shoulder. “Your school isn’t too far from me. We’re closer together than you and Busan are. When I get my license I can visit every few weekends. We can do this, Yongguk. I know we can.”
His heart was racing, he was so close to having everything he wanted, but Yongguk was terrified. He had barely survived the heartbreak of his brother’s beating, if Jongup also started to chip away at the few pieces he had managed to put back together, he knew he wouldn’t live through it.
“Guppie, I-“
“But I love you!” Jongup was near tears, his hands roaming anywhere they could touch, inhaling every bit of Yongguk that he could in case this was all he would be allowed. “Please don’t, please don't do this.”
Yongguk gently pried his fingers off his shirt and carefully pushed him away. “We need to ta-“
“We don’t need to talk!” Jongup jumped away from Yongguk, chest heaving as he fought hard to control himself. “There’s nothing to talk about! It’s been two and a half years, Yongguk! And look at us! We can’t stay away from each other, you know it Yongguk.” His face crumpled when he realized Yongguk wasn’t going to reply. “I can’t stay here.” Shaking his head, he rushed to Daehyun’s room and grabbed his suitcase, for once glad that he didn’t take the time to unpack.
“Jongup, you can’t leave at eight pm.” Yongguk grabbed him around the waist when he tried to storm past him to the door. “The buses will stop running soon and you’ll be stranded God knows where.”
“What do you care?” He tried to twist his way out of the tight hold, but Yongguk had been holding back for so long that he wasn’t going to let him get away so easily.
His breath blew softly against Jongup’s nape. “You know how much I care.” He murmured, pulling the smaller boy against his chest and burying his face in his hair. “You, Zelo and Daehyun are everything to me, Guppie. I just want to keep you safe, keep you happy, and I can’t do that when things are so complicated.”
“Then uncomplicate them.” Jongup leaned his head back against his shoulder. He dropped his bag and raised his hands up to grip Yongguk’s hair. “Make it better.”
“Guppie…” Lips brushed against Jongup’s jaw, his head tilting more to give him room. “Baby, I-“
“Jonguppie?” Daehyun’s confused voice had them scrambling to opposite ends of the room. He rubbed his sleepy eyes and smiled at Yongguk. “Hey hyung. How was work?”
Yongguk plastered a fake grin on his face. “Great, great. They put me straight to work and paid me in cash so I thought I would take Junhong to the movies tomorrow night. You and Jongup can come too, but I thought you two would rather have the house to yourselves since you’ve been apart for so long.” He snuck a glance at Jongup, the younger boy still breathing heavily from his place by the fridge. “I’m going to go take a shower.”
Daehyun frowned as Yongguk awkwardly left. “Did he seem uncomfortable to you?” His eyes turned to his friend and landed on the suitcase. “Is that your bag? What is it doing out here?”
Hurriedly grabbing it and throwing it into Daehyun’s room, Jongup stammered a multitude of excuses about what he was doing with it, never noticing Daehyun’s suspicious eyes.
“Something happened.” He finally spoke up. “Between you and Yongguk-hyung.”
Jongup reddened, his fingers nervously coming up to tug on his bottom lip.
“You kissed him?” Daehyun was suddenly wide awake. “You kissed Yongguk?”
His friend shrugged and tried to put a smile on his face. “I’ll tell you what happened when you tell me what happened between you and Himchan. Or is it something you don’t want to talk about?”
Daehyun bit his lip, part of him dying to know what was happening, but the other part still scared to death to reveal just how deep he was in with his best friend’s brother.
“Jonguppie?” He wasn’t sure how to ask the question without possibly offending him. “Are you… Are you gay?”
Jongup shrugged. “I don’t think about things like that, Daehyun. If a pretty girl walks past me I’m going to turn around and look. And if a cute boy does it I’m still going to look.”
When Jongup sat back down on the couch next to him, Daehyun waited for what felt like ages for him to speak.
“Aren’t you going to ask me the same question?” He finally blurted out, wanting to get it out in the open.
Jongup grabbed a pillow and laid it in Daehyun’s lap, throwing himself over top of him. “I’ve known the answer to that for years, Dae. I don’t need to ask it. You’re Daehyun and I’m Jongup and that’s all that I care about.”
---
Merry Christmas, Daehyun-ah
His face paled at the words on his screen. Himchan typed these words. Himchan sat down with his phone and thought of him as he carefully pecked at the keys.
“What’s wrong?” Yongguk could see the nervousness on his face and quickly rushed to his side. He glanced down at the outstretched phone and nodded. “Ah. How long has it been?”
“Over a year.” He mumbled through numb lips. “Why would he send me this? Why now? Do I say something back? What do I do?”
Yongguk chuckled at his reaction, gently taking the phone out of his hands and laying it on the couch. “You don’t have to reply right away. Come finish decorating the tree with us and think about it for a couple hours. For all he knows you’re busy with family and don’t have your phone with you.”
He nodded and joined Youngjae back at the tree, helping him wind the garland around the bottom. Zelo was asked to help, but like he did every year, instead spent the time on the couch watching the others do all the work. His newly dyed blue hair shone like a spotlight in the dim room. Rae-Ha had almost cried when she saw his sweetly curled dark hair straightened and tinted a few weeks ago. She had immediately phoned his therapist who tried to explain that not every out of character thing the little boy did would mean he was moving backwards. Sometimes teenagers do crazy things.
But she still felt a pain in her heart every time she looked at him.
Zelo’s eyes watched Youngjae kick Daehyun out of the way so he could fix his side of the tree. His eyes started to crinkle up in the corners, but his mouth remained unmoving, the scar under his lip a permanent reminder of why he was the way he was.
“Come help!” Youngjae ordered, pointing to the tree. “Or I’m not letting you have any of the cake my mom sent for dessert!”
He shook his head, content to just watch everyone.
By the time they had finished the tree and Rae-Ha deemed it acceptable it was suppertime and the four growing boys in her house were starving. She set the table and stood back, letting them pillage the bowls and bowls of food she had spent hours cooking.
“You’re pigs.” She scoffed, setting a plate for her father to eat when he arrived home. His days consisted of working or doing odd jobs around town. He claimed it was because he was bored but everyone knew he did it to stay out of the loud, crowded house as long as possible. “Don’t make yourselves sick. Don’t forget, Youngjae brought a cake.”
Yongguk’s phone went off and he answered the text with a large grin and a blush spread across his cheeks.
“Tell Jongup I said hi.” Daehyun muttered sarcastically. “I haven’t talked to him in a week. Sharing is caring, hyung.”
He cried out when Yongguk’s hand slapped him on the back of the head. “Don’t be jealous, Daehyunnie. Hyung always has time for you.”
His lip curled up in disgust. In his eyes Yongguk was a brother and always would be. “That’s gross.”
As Yongguk turned his attention to Zelo, the younger boy’s chair pushed flush up against Youngjae’s, Daehyun couldn’t help the warm feeling filling his chest. This was his family.
So why did his heart hurt?
Later that evening he took a deep breath and quickly typed out a reply on his phone, not giving himself any time to look it over and overthink things, pressing send as soon as he was done.
Thank you, Himchan-hyung. I hope you have a happy Christmas!
~~~
It would have been better if you were still here.
---
“Are you ready for summer?” Rae-Ha came up behind Daehyun as he finished his breakfast and ruffled his hair. “Got any big plans?”
He shrugged. “Not really. Youngjae and Zelo will probably go off and do everything on their own and hyung told me he is going to work all summer.”
She tsked and shook her head. “Well that just sounds lonely. Wouldn’t you rather be spending it with Jongup?”
Her tone was suspicious. “I guess so.” He replied carefully, turning around to narrow his eyes at her. “Why?”
“So if you could spend all summer with Jongup you would do it?” Rae-Ha’s eyes twinkled and Daehyun started to get a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
“What are you talking about? What did you do?”
She covered her mouth with her hands and jumped up and down before blurting “You’re spending the summer at Jongup’s!”
Daehyun was speechless. Surely his mother wasn’t going to send him off with no warning. After all the excuses about why he couldn’t visit Jongup, couldn’t spend holidays with them, refused to even go there for a single weekend. How could you possibly miss his hints?
“E-Excuse me?” He finally choked out. “Do I get a say in this?”
“Nope. Mi-Ra was practically in tears as she begged me to send you and she wanted it to be a surprise for you and Jongup. Next summer you’ll be seventeen and you’ll be getting ready for senior year so this is her last chance to spend time with you and you’re going to stop being a sulking brat and go.” She pointed to his bedroom. “Yongguk will be home at noon to drive you. Go pack.
---
Daehyun chewed his nails the whole way to Jongup’s, his fingers a stumpy mess by the time they pulled in.
“You nervous?” Yongguk chuckled, already knowing the answer. “Don’t worry. I’ll be right there all night. If you really want to go home tomorrow, I’ll take you.”
He smiled thankfully. “It would have been nice to have more than a three hour warning that I was going to be spending the next two months at Jongup’s.”
“Rae-Ha seemed to think you’d find a way out of it if you were told any earlier.”
Daehyun really couldn’t deny it. Knowing he was a few minutes away from seeing Himchan for the first time in almost three years was giving him such an upset stomach that he felt like vomiting.
He wondered if it would be acceptable to ask Yongguk to turn around when Mi-Ra burst through the front door and raced down the sidewalk towards them.
“Daehyun!” She shrieked, jerking the passenger door open and ripping him out of the seat into her arms. “Look at how big you are! Oh my goodness, you are taller than my Jongup now. I bet he just hates that. Good. Oh and Yongguk, it’s so nice to see you again. Jongup mentioned you two would be doing more tutoring today. He’s in his room.” When Yongguk quickly bowed and ran off, she snorted. “Tutoring, my ass.” She turned back to the boy squished against her chest and held his cheeks in her palms. “My baby.”
“Hello.” Daehyun smiled widely at the woman he hadn’t seen in close to half a year. “So have you missed me or not?”
She sighed and slapped the back of his head. “I’ve not missed your attitude! Come inside. I made you cookies and I baked a cake and we’re having all of your favorites for supper. Jongup will probably be…” Her nose crinkled. “Well I know his “tutoring” keeps them occupied for a while. So it’s just you and me! I want to hear all about your schoolwork, your friends, your town, your mother, everything! And your cute little accent is back! I miss the tiny little boy with the thick accent who used to sit at my counter and eat everything in sight.”
He stopped at the threshold to the home and looked at her wearily. “So it’s just you and Jongup home right now?”
“Mmhmm, his father will be home from work around suppertime and Himchan is out w- Oh!” She froze and stared curiously at him. “Daehyun? Are you worried about seeing Himchan again after three years?”
He stammered out something that sounded vaguely like a refusal. “I d-don’t-“
“He’ll be home this evening.” She interrupted, not wanting to make him too uncomfortable. “Have you heard anything from him lately?” Her lips thinned. “There’s been some new things happen...”
Daehyun shook his head, eyes too busy roaming around the long-missed home and catching all the little details he had forgotten about. “You painted the kitchen.”
She smiled and ushered him towards the table. “Jongup changed his room a little bit, too. His walls are green now and we got him a new desk and computer for Christmas.”
They had made their way through half the plate of cookies by the time Jongup and Yongguk emerged from the bedroom. Jongup’s eyes were bright and his cheeks red as he pulled a messy haired Yongguk out behind him.
“Daehyunnie!” He wrapped his arms around his best friend and squeezed tightly. “Oh wow, you got your braces off, your teeth look so great! I can’t believe you get to stay here for two months! Mom just told me this morning.”
He smiled. “Yeah I didn’t know about it either. It’s weird being back in the city. Doesn’t really feel like home anymore.”
Yongguk scoffed. “Tell me about it. Every time I’m here I keep looking over my shoulder worried I’m going to find someone I used to work with.”
Jongup knew how worried the older boy was at the thought of running into someone who might have held a hand at hurting Zelo. He squeezed his fingers under the table and let his hand rest on Yongguk’s thigh, out of the view of everyone.
They decided to move into Jongup’s room so that Mi-Ra could start supper, Daehyun not even blinking when Jongup plopped himself down into Yongguk’s lap and gave him a smile so sweet it could melt sugar.
“I’m in the room.” He told them dryly, spinning around in the computer chair. “Try not to scar my eyes for life.”
“Jealous?” Yongguk mumbled with his face squished against Jongup’s neck.
Jongup jumped, remembering something. “Daehyun! I forgot to mention… That thing you had for my brother, it’s not still there is it? I mean, you don’t still have feelings for him do you?”
He caught eyes with Yongguk, the elder looking at him with sympathy.
“Of course not.” He lied with ease. “That was three years ago. We haven’t even seen each other since I moved away.”
Jongup looked suspicious but didn’t question it, his attention going back to his boyfriend. “Well that’s good then.” He told Daehyun while staring at Yongguk’s lips, thumb tracing across the soft skin. “Because apparently the little part of Himchan that thought he might be gay has disappeared.”
“What do you mean?” Daehyun was proud of the way he controlled his voice, but he had to hide his trembling hands behind his back.
“Just trust me. He’s back to his old asshole self.” Jongup looked mesmerized by the way Yongguk’s lips moved when he smiled at him and never finished his train of thought. “Do you really have to go home tomorrow? I want you to stay.”
Yongguk held his hand still and kissed the pads of his fingers gently. “I’m sorry. I have to work every day or I can’t afford my tuition and dorm. You know I’ll call you all the time.”
Daehyun tried not to gag at the sappy way they treated each other. He had been dealing with it ever since he walked out of the house one night and saw Jongup pressing Yongguk against a tree, hand deep inside his shorts as Yongguk made noises that were going to haunt him till he died.
After that they decided that since Daehyun knew there was no reason to hold back when he was around.
He hated it.
“You guys know you don’t have to do that with me in the room, right?” He shifted awkwardly on the bed. “I can go help with supper or run in front of a train…”
They still didn’t pay him attention, Jongup now whispering things into Yongguk’s ear that had his eyes fluttering and his palms gripping onto the bed sheets.
“Well I guess I’m gonna just go.” Daehyun backed himself towards the door, eyes trained on the ceiling above him, choosing to ignore the loud breaths coming from the other end of the room. “I’ll be in the kitchen if anyone needs me. Yep.” His hand fumbled with the doorknob and he jerked it open behind him. “Just… Gonna…” He trailed off and just left, realizing no one in the room cared that he wasn’t there anymore.
At first it hurt his feelings that his best friend would rather spend time with someone else when they barely got to see each other, but after months and months of it he just rolled his eyes and moved on. Besides, if he had someone that looked at him the way Yongguk looked at Jongup he knew he would be the same way. Eyes that worshiped you and followed your every move, eyes that softened every time they turned your direction.
He leaned back against the hallway and took a deep breath, trying to tell his heart to stop beating Himchan’s name inside of him. For all he knew Himchan regretted ever showing him his that other side and would pretend he didn’t even know him this whole summer.
But that didn’t mean Daehyun could just as easily forget him.
---
“Is there anything in particular you wanted to do this summer, Daehyun?” Mi-Ra handed him a spoon to stir the rice with as she busied herself with chopping the vegetables. “Any old places you wanted to visit?”
He honestly couldn’t think of any. Moving to Busan relieved so much stress off his shoulders that he felt leery every time he thought of coming back. The city itself didn’t hold any good memories for him. “I don’t know.” He said softly, concentrating on the food.
“That’s alright.” Mi-Ra smiled gently at him. She knew Daehyun didn’t want to visit and she had a pretty good idea of why, but she was glad he was there anyway. There was no way she was going to push him further from her than he already was. “We’re going to have a great two months together sweetheart, I promise.”
Suddenly Daehyun felt the last three years of guilt over how he treated her wash over him like a wave. No matter how many times he ignored her phone calls or refused her repeated requests to visit, she was always there waiting patiently and lovingly for him to return.
She jumped in shock when she felt Daehyun’s skinny arms wrap around her waist. “Daehyun, what’s wr-?”
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, dropping his head to her shoulder in shame. “For being a brat.”
Mi-Ra chuckled and patted his hair. “Mothers can never stay angry at their babies. And you’ll always be my baby, Daehyun.” She hesitated, her hand freezing mid-stroke. “Speaking of my babies, there’s something you should know before Himchan gets home.” Before she could finish, the doorknob jiggled as a set of keys unlocked it, causing Mi-Ra to grimace. “Too late.”
Daehyun stood in shock as the boy he had been avoiding for three years walked through the door. The shock of jet black hair, the dark eyes, the milk white skin that that he knew contrasted so sharply with his own dark tone, all of it made his body jolt, the only thing keeping him tethered to the ground was the strong arm around his neck.
“Breathe baby.” Mi-Ra whispered into his ear. “And I’m so, so sorry.”
Himchan turned to the kitchen to greet his mother, his smile falling off his lips when he saw who else was there. His eyes pulled together in a frown and he opened his mouth to speak but nothing would come out.
“Look who’s staying with us for a couple months!” Mi-Ra tried to break the awkward silence, but the two boys didn’t even acknowledge they heard her, their eyes still trained firmly on each other.
“Daehyun-ah?” Himchan’s voice was a lot deeper than Daehyun remembered it, the soft raspiness still there, but now it was combined with a manliness that sent shockwaves through his system. The older (and still taller, Daehyun noticed) boy took a step towards him but stopped and paled. “Oh n-… Daehyun, this isn’t-“
“Oppa?” A high-pitched pouty voice spoke up outside the door before a dress-clad girl with legs that looked longer than Daehyun’s whole body strolled in. Her blood red manicured nails wrapped around Himchan’s wrist. “You forgot to give me a kiss goodbye.”
Himchan looked helplessly between the unnamed girl and Daehyun’s crushed expression. “Daehy-“
“Oppa?” She turned her head and narrowed her eyes at Daehyun, eying him from his head to his toes with obvious distaste. “Who are you?” Her tone showed everyone that she noticed the way the stranger was looking at Himchan and she did not approve.
“J-Jung Daehyun.” He answered quietly, his hand finding Mi-Ra’s and squeezing it tightly. “I’m Jongup’s best friend.”
She pursed her lips and took another step towards Himchan, turning his face towards hers. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right Himchannie?”
Himchan wanted to say so many things at that moment. So many things to Daehyun and just one thing to her.
“Sure.” He plastered a smile on his face and managed not to look at Daehyun’s expression when her lips slid over top of his own. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see his reaction.
What if he looked heartbroken?
What if he didn’t?
She gave Daehyun one last calculating look before smiling sweetly to Mi-Ra and strutting out.
Mi-Ra made an excuse about needing to check the laundry and left the two silent boys alone in the kitchen.
“What are you doing here?”
He flinched at the hint of anger in the older boy’s voice. “I’m staying for the summer.” Daehyun chewed on his lower lip and refused to look up into his eyes. “Is that okay?”
Himchan snorted. “Why should I care? How considerate of you to come visit us for the first time in three years. I hope this visit won’t interrupt your busy life away from here.”
Daehyun dared to look up through his hair, surprised to see Himchan’s face red with anger. “That’s not very nice, hyung. Just because I didn’t come to visit doesn’t mean I don’t c-“
“Don’t.” Himchan set his jaw tightly and stormed towards the smaller boy, backing him against the fridge. “Don’t tell me you care. Not now. Not after years of nothing.”
“Who was she?” Daehyun finally asked. He could feel his heart breaking even before Himchan's reply came and shattered it into tiny glass shards.
Himchan’s eyes focused on his puffy lips, the way they parted as Daehyun breathed heavily under his hold.
“Her name is Heeyoung.” Himchan finally realized how close they were and what he was doing and let him go, stepping back and slipping the uncaring mask back over his face. “She’s my girlfriend.”
(sixteen)