The Education of Zico part 4/?
Pairing: ZiChan (side of BangLo)
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.5K
(one) (two) (three) (four) (five) (six)
“What are you doing home so early?” Junhong looked at the clock above the couch and frowned. It was only eight-thirty, much too early for him to be home after doing, well what he did last night. “Shouldn’t you be making googly eyes at Zico all day?”
Himchan flinched. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
He tried to get past his brother but those long arms trapped him in place. “What do you mean?” Junhong shook his wrist. “What happened? Does Zico even know you left?”
“Stop saying his name okay.” Every time that word popped out of Junhong’s lips he felt his heart pound even harder in his chest and all he wanted was to go to bed and sleep for a few days. “I’m tired. Move.”
Before Junhong could reply, their mother swept into the room, her hands on her hips and a pissed off look on her face. “Kim. Himchan.” She hissed through gritted teeth. “Do not tell me you stayed out all night long. What are you wearing? You’re dressed like you’re brother. That is not the type of clothing you should be seen in. You’ve never disobeyed me before. Now that you’ve been socializing with Junhong’s scumbag friends you’re never home and you are not the Himchan I know.” She clucked her tongue and pointed to his bedroom. “You’re not allowed out of the house today. You can see yourself to your room.”
Junhong waited for his brother to snap back with a smartass response but all he did was nod and walk carefully to his bedroom.
“He’s confused.” Yongguk murmured into his ear once their mother left the room. “Give him some time to come to terms with what happened. How would you feel if you woke up one day and realized you all of a sudden not only liked the opposite gender of what you were used to, but you also slept with them?”
“I don’t think Zico would have slept with my brother just spur of the moment.” Junhong replied, worried about his friend. “He’s had a few one night stands, but they’re always with people he’ll never see again.”
Yongguk furrowed his brows and thought for a moment. “They mentioned Zico liking him for a couple years. Did you not know anything about that?”
“What?” Junhong racked his memory for that conversation from the night before, but he only remembered bits and pieces after he started drinking and must have not taken that one in. “No. I mean, yeah, they’ve met before, but it was a long time ago. Himchan probably doesn’t even remember it.”
---
They watched Himchan pick at his supper, eyes trained on the placemat below his plate. He would occasionally pick a small piece of food up and place it in his mouth only to chew on it three times as long as was needed.
Junhong wanted to know what happened between him and Zico but Yongguk ordered him to mind his own business. He didn’t enjoy minding his own business. Nothing interesting ever came out of it. “Don’t you have to tutor Zico tomorrow?” He blurted out, ignoring the kick his boyfriend made to his feet.
Himchan’s chopsticks clattered to his plate, the strain on his face visible to everyone. “No.” He finally muttered, resuming his digging into his bowl. “I’m not doing that anymore.”
“But-“
Their mother squeezed his arm, making Junhong stop his question and whimper in pain. “Well I think that’s an excellent idea. Your brain is better spent on studying for your own school, not helping out some thug who will probably drop out soon anyway.”
Yongguk could see the anger flare up in Junhong’s face and he quickly laid a hand over his thigh and squeezed it reassuringly.
“May I be excused?” Himchan asked. “I’m not really all that hungry tonight.”
She nodded and looked pleasingly at his still full plate, much to Junhong and Yongguk’s disgust. “Of course you can sweetheart.”
Himchan stared at his ceiling, eyes focused on the water spot in the corner. He shook his head and tried to clear Zico’s face out of his mind but it kept failing. His mother fortunately kept her makeup in the bathroom so he was able to hide the large hickey and bite marks on his neck, but the ones on the rest of his body he didn’t bother with. He lifted his shirt up and ran his finger over the dark bruises on his chest.
“You little fucker.” He murmured.
A knock on the door had him rolling his eyes, knowing it was just his brother or best friend trying to get him to “talk”.
“C’mon Himchan.” Yongguk’s voice spoke up through the door. “Let us in before your brother has a meltdown.”
He turned over onto his stomach and waited. Junhong would eventually just come in uninvited anyway.
“Hyung.” A voice spoke up from behind him a few moments later. “Did you really just leave and not say anything this morning?” Junhong’s sounded pissed off. “That was low. That was really goddamn low. How could you do that to him?”
“Junhong…” Himchan’s voice was scratchy. “Please don’t okay. It was… It was just a mistake and we both just need to forget it happened.”
Junhong scoffed. “Well I’m sure you might need to. What with the perfect life of the perfect Kim Himchan. But what about what he needs? Maybe he doesn’t want to forget it happened. Maybe he woke up this morning with a broken fucking heart. Does that even matter to you?”
Of course it did. Of course Himchan was scared to death that he had hurt the younger boy. But they barely knew each other! How could Zico look at him with such emotion in his eyes?
“Junhong?” Himchan popped up in his bed, his brows furrowing in thought. “I just met Zico two weeks ago right? That was the first time we had ever met?”
His brother shook his head. “No.”
“No?” Himchan racked his brain trying once again to remember a Zico from his past and still couldn’t figure it out. “I don’t remember… When and where?”
Sighing, Junhong cocked his head to the side. “Maybe you should have been paying more attention to what went on in your home then spending all your time alone up in your bedroom.”
Himchan felt his annoyance flare up in him. No matter what his brother always had the innate ability to get under his skin with just a few words. “Just tell me where I know him from, Junhong.” He ordered, standing up angrily. “I deserve to know. He obviously remembers me.”
“Of course he does.” Junhong looked angry again for some reason. “You’re the reason he looks the way he does today.”
“What?” He was confused. “I don’t understand.”
The taller boy crossed his arms across his chest. “Don’t you remember? Are you and your friend eating ice cream again, Junhong? You’re both going to be as fat as elephants, Junhong. Maybe you both should slow down.”
The memory of the short overweight kid slammed into his brain and he shook his head, stumbling back against the bed. He remembered all the times he had teased the two boys, all the names he had called them, but most of all he couldn’t forget the look in the kid’s eyes when he made fun of how big he was.
“Jiho.” He whispered, covering his eyes in shame. “He’s Jiho?”
“He wanted to go by a different name when he lost all the weight.” Junhong answered, anger slipping away when he saw how upset he had made his brother.
Himchan took a few deep breaths to steady himself before opening his eyes. “Why didn’t he say anything? Why doesn’t he act like he hates me? I was really fucking cruel to him.”
Junhong shrugged. “He’s a good person maybe? I don’t know. Maybe you should go ask him. Apparently he likes you a hell of a lot more than you like him for some reason.”
---
He stood on the steps in front of the younger boy’s house for what felt like forever. He kept raising his fist to knock and then lowering it. It had been four days since the incident and three since he found out how they knew each other. Even though his brother had been practically begging him to go talk to Zico he just couldn’t. What would he say?
The only reason he had manned up and forced himself to come today was because he knew Zico needed help to pass. And if he didn’t keep tutoring him then he would fail. The one class a week he was forced to take for summer school barely taught him anything useful and Himchan felt guilty that he hadn’t been fulfilling his deal.
This was the first time he had ever done something for someone just because he wanted to. That meant something, he wasn’t stupid. But he didn’t want to think too hard about it just yet.
Finally he took a breath and rapped on the door. It was now or never.
“Well hello stranger!” Zico’s mother grinned brightly when she saw him in the doorway. “I was wondering where you had been. Zico refused to tell me anything.” She rolled her eyes. “I swear, sometimes that boy thinks I’m an idiot.” Motioning him inside she pointed to the back door of the house. “He’s outside with Rinnie. Go ahead.”
He stood silently against the door for a minute, watching as Zico happily kicked a soccer ball back and forth with his sister. His eyes roamed over the damp tank top and the slight, but still noticeable, muscles exposed. That was his doing, he told himself. The only reason Zico pushed his body that hard was because he had shamed him into it.
“Channie Oppa!” Rinnie screamed, running towards him and throwing her arms around his leg. “I’ve missed you are you staying all day where have you been Zico Oppa has been so mean to me lately!”
Zico flicked her on the side of the head. “Yah! Who just spent the last hour teaching you how to play soccer you little brat?”
She pouted and rubbed her sore spot. “But you yelled at me yesterday when I woke you up.”
He shook his head and turned warily towards Himchan. “What are you doing here?” His voice wasn’t near as warm as it had been when he spoke to his sister.
Himchan swallowed and toed his shoe in the dirt. “You need a tutor.” He murmured quietly. “I don’t want you to fail.”
Zico snorted. “What do you care?”
He winced. Even though he deserved the rude tone it still hurt. “You know I care.” Their eyes met. “Jiho.”
The younger boy’s eyes widened and he staggered back a few feet. “Rinnie?” His voice was strangled and his face pale. “Go in the house honey, okay?”
She looked between the two boys, debating on whether or not to listen but finally nodded and ran inside leaving them alone. Jiho continued to stare at Himchan for a minute before he gave a humorless laugh. “Of course. Junhong right? You would never remember that on your own.”
“Zico I-“
“Is that why you came over?” His voice grew louder with every word, Himchan shrinking back against the house in fear of the rabid look in his eyes. “Not to help me with school, not to be a good person, not even to fucking see me. You just wanted to apologize and get the fact that you made fun of a fifteen year old fat kid off your conscience.” Himchan hated the broken look in his eyes and his hands twitched at his sides to reach out and grab him. “Well consider it done. Consider your conscience clear.”
“But that’s not-“
“Get out.” He pointed towards the house. “I want you to leave me alone.”
Himchan growled and blocked the doorway with his body, refusing to let him pass. “No. I’m not leaving until we talk. I need to explain some things to you and you need to fill me on some stuff, too.”
Zico didn’t look like he wanted to have this conversation at eleven in the morning, but he nodded anyways. “And then you’ll leave?” He asked cautiously. “If I tell you what you want to know then you’ll walk out and never come back?”
“If that’s what you really want.” Himchan knew that wasn’t what Zico wished would happen. Neither of them wanted that. But he needed answers. Himchan rubbed his eyes and opened his mouth. “I’m sorry I didn’t know how we knew each other.” He began shakily. “But you look so, so different now. And Junhong told me that I was the reason for that.” He winced with guilt. “I’m sorry Zico. Those things I said to you two, they were just me being stupid and immature and I know that’s no excuse but-“
A chuckle reached his ears and he stopped, waiting for Zico to speak. “You don’t have to apologize. I know that’s not you anymore. I’m not angry over it, honestly. You were seventeen, you thought you were perfect, you were an asshole. That’s normal.”
Himchan cocked his head to the side. “But then why do you…” He trailed off, not sure how to put into words what he wanted to say. Not sure if he was ready to voice what he knew Zico felt about him. “Why are you still fond of me?” He chose his words carefully. “After everything I said to you, why did you want to get to know me?”
The other boy’s lips twitched and he finally met eyes with Himchan. “Because I knew that wasn’t you, hyung. I saw how messed up your family is, how everyone treats Junhong like shit and how you’re the golden child who had so much stress on his shoulders. It was obvious you hated it. Every time your mother would leave the room your shoulders would drop and you would look relieved.” Zico shrugged and looked away again. “I guess I just admired you for having to deal with that every day and never saying one word about it.”
“But there’s a difference between admiring someone and…” Himchan wondered if he should take a step towards him but the glare he received when he started to move stopped him. “And what happened between us.”
Zico raised an eyebrow at him. “And what did exactly happen between us? We fucked, Himchan. End of story. It happens.”
But they both knew that wasn’t what had happened. Zico had looked at him with so much emotion in his eyes that it made Himchan ache when he thought about it. His touches had been too tender, too soft for a simple one-night stand.
“You need to go now. I answered your question. I let you explain. Please leave.”
“Zico…” Himchan reached a hand out towards him, not surprised when the other boy batted it away. “That night, it meant something! To both of us!”
Zico shoved himself off of the wall and grabbed Himchan’s arm, yanking him into the house and dragging him past his shocked mother and sister. “Don’t fucking lie to me.” He hissed through clenched teeth. “That night meant nothing to you! Or I wouldn’t have woken up by myself!” Opening the door he forced Himchan through it and shoved him down the steps. “Don’t ever come here again.”
His voice was menacing, but his eyes showed how badly he had hurt when he woke up alone and Himchan hated himself all over again for doing that to him. But before he could respond Zico had already slammed the door in his face.
The faces watching curiously in neighbors windows didn’t even register to him. Embarrassment was the last thing in his mind. All he wanted was to go home. Not to his family, but to his dorm. He couldn’t stay here any longer.
---
Junhong’s eyes were wet but he attempted to blink it away before his boyfriend could see. “You’re a selfish bastard, Himchan-hyung.” He choked out, giving up when the dam broke and tears flowed down his cheeks. “You break Zico’s heart and now you’re going to break mine?” Yongguk pulled him against his chest and whispered softly into his ear as he sobbed into his shirt.
They watched Himchan shove his bags full of his clothes, not even caring that he was leaving his room a mess. “I’m sorry Junhong.” He sounded frantic, yanking drawers out and ripping items from them. “I really, really am. But I have to leave, I have to get out of here.”
Yongguk pulled Junhong back and told him to go wait in his room while he spoke to Himchan alone. He sat down on the bed and waited for the trembling boy to calm down.
“You wanna talk about it?” He asked gruffly, not really good with the whole heart to heart things. With Junhong it was fine, but his older brother was another story.
“I messed up.” Himchan slid down the wall to his bottom and stared blankly at him. “I messed up really bad, Guk.”
He nodded. “I know. But do you think running away is going to make it go away?”
Himchan mumbled a quiet no.
“And leaving in the middle of the day with no warning? Don’t you give one single shit what that will do to me and your brother? We were planning on spending all summer together. Don’t you care at all that you’re hurting us?”
He chewed on his lip for a second before answering. “Of course I care.” He replied truthfully. The past couple weeks he and his brother had gotten along better than they ever had. “Junhong can come with us!” He jumped up and pulled Yongguk to his feet. “Our parents couldn’t care less if he was here all summer. Go tell him to pack!”
Yongguk looked leery, but the thought of being 100% completely alone with his boyfriend for two more months was enough to get him to agree. They had only recently moved into a dorm together and it was barely big enough for the two of them, but they both knew Junhong wouldn’t need his own bed anyways.
When he was finished packing his bags and had went ahead and thrown all of Yongguk’s things in as well, he raced down the hall to his brother’s room.
“Hyung!” Junhong was now sporting a huge smile with visible dimples as he and Yongguk shoved the last of his clothes into his bag. “I’m so excited! Yonggukkie is going to show me around the school and see if I like it and he said there’s a really nice skateboarding park nearby and now he won’t have to sneak into my room every night because we’ll be sharing one and-“
Himchan held a hand up and gagged. “I get it. You want to wait till mom gets home from shopping or just leave a note?”
They all stared at each other for a second before replying at the same time.
“Note.”
---
“Are you going to tell Zico you’re leaving?” Junhong spoke up tentatively from the passenger seat of Yongguk’s car, turning around to look at his brother.
He kept his eyes trained on the landscape outside the window. “No.” He answered shortly. “He told me to never speak to him again.”
Junhong sighed. “You know he didn’t mean that, hyung. It was pretty damn obvious he had deep feelings for you.”
Himchan pulled his headphones out of his bag. “I don’t want to talk about it. What’s done is done. It’s over.” He pulled them over his ears and blocked out the rest of the trip home, keeping his head held back on the seat and his eyes closed.
“He’s going to turn into a moping asshole, isn’t he?” Junhong turned his attention back to his boyfriend, scooting over to the middle of the seat to be closer to him.
Yongguk smiled, wrapping an arm over his shoulder. “He’ll be okay. Zico’ll come around eventually. We both know what he had for your brother was more than just deep feelings.”
They changed topics to what it was going to be like to live with each other. Junhong was so excited to finally spend more than one night at their dorm that he was practically bouncing in his seat. “Make sure and tell hyung to sleep with his headphones on tonight.” He threw out nonchalantly. “I don’t want to keep him up all night.”
Yongguk almost swerved the car off the road at his words. “All night?” He squeaked, darting his eyes around to make sure no one saw his mistake. “As in all night?”
“Mmhmm.” Junhong stretched out in his seat, shirt riding up to show a sliver of his tummy to Yongguk’s lust-filled eyes. “I’m going to take a nap for the rest of the trip. Going to need my energy for tonight.” He winked at his boyfriend and ignored the small whimper he made, burrowing his face against Yongguk’s neck and sighing happily.
---
Junhong immediately made for the kitchen when they got to the dorm, searching for something to eat. “You guys have crackers. That’s it. Just crackers.” He complained, digging into the box anyway.
“We planned on being away all summer.” Yongguk told him, digging through the drawers for take-out menus. “Didn’t stock up on anything.”
Himchan ignored their bickering, collapsing on the couch in a heap. “Just shut up and go out to eat.” He mumbled. “I need to call mom anyways so unless you want to be forced to talk to her…”
Grabbing Yongguk’s arm, Junhong hollered out a quick thank you before dragging him out the door. Their mother had called eight times while they were on the way home and they had ignored all of them.
“What the hell are you doing?” She demanded as soon as he picked up the phone. “I come home and there’s a note saying you went back to school? And that you took your brother with you?”
Himchan rubbed his forehead already knowing this conversation was going to leave him with a migraine. “We decided to go ahead and head back early. Yongguk wanted to look for a job and have some money set back for the next semester. It was only partially a lie. He knew Yongguk was worried about what not having a job all summer would do to his finances. He must have really been crazy about his brother to just up and ignore it. “And Junhong wanted to get out of the house and do some new things.”
“I don’t like this.” She sniffed haughtily. “I don’t like what’s happening to you lately, Himchan. First you move in with that boy, and then you quit school for the whole summer semester just to come home and run around with that good for nothing hooligan friend of your brothers. Now you’ve taken your brother home with you? You know you will never get anything accomplished with that boy there. He hasn’t done one decent thing in all of his seventeen years.”
He wasn’t sure which made him angrier, the comments about Zico or the ones about his brother. “Don’t talk about Zico or Junhong like that.” He said angrily. “Zico was my friend and he made me happy, happier than I’ve ever been thanks to you holding my hand and smothering me my whole life. I actually wanted to get up out of bed every day because I knew that I would get to go see him. And Junhong is my baby brother and he’s your son, how can you say that about him? Maybe if you tried to get to know him you’d see that he’s actually a great kid. He’s funny and he’s kind and he is honestly the only family member that I am proud to claim.”
She was speechless for a moment at his response. “Himchan, I didn’t… You know that I-“
“I’m going to go, mother.” He interrupted. “We’ll have Junhong home before school starts, but until then I think it’s best if you didn’t call.” After he hung up he swung around to see his brother in the doorway, shock in his eyes. “Junhonggie? I thought you and Guk were going to go eat?”
“Hyung told me we could check out the skateboarding park so I was coming back up to get my board.” He licked his dry lips and nervously fiddled his fingers together. “Did you mean that? What you said about me? You’re proud of me?”
Himchan gave him an awkward nod. “Of course I am. You worked really hard the last few months to pull your grades up, you don’t nag me near as much as you used to, and… And now that you and Yongguk are together you seem happy. You’ve never come across as happy before.”
Junhong blushed and snatched his skateboard off the floor. “Th-Thanks hyung.” He muttered. “I’m proud to be your brother, too.”
Chuckling at him as he ran out the door, Himchan suddenly realized he was alone again and frowned. He wondered what Zico was doing right now. It was supper time, was he eating? Was he so furious at him that he skipped it and was instead lying in bed staring at his ceiling? Maybe he was painting. Maybe he was outside again with Rinnie, trying to force all thoughts of Himchan out of his head.
Himchan pulled his phone back out of his pocket and opened up his photo album. Dozens of pictures of Zico’s face stared back at him. Ones of him watching Himchan with soft eyes, several of him and Rinnie making silly faces, but the majority of them were of the two of them. He missed feeling the plump cheeks spread out in a grin pressed against his own, ached for the arm wrapped snugly around his shoulders.
He wanted him back. Wanted him back so hard it hurt. Even though he had never imagined himself being gay, he knew it didn’t matter. He wasn’t gay, he didn’t look at boys that passed him on the street with curious eyes. He just looked at Zico. And his stupidity had cost him that.
When his brother and Yongguk came back later that evening with ruddy cheeks, dirty clothes and a box of take-out for him, he surprised them both by announcing that they were going to go out that night.
“Where?” Yongguk asked, placing Junhong’s skateboard carefully up against the wall. “And why?”
“To a club.” Himchan answered, shoveling food into his mouth. “I want to hook up with someone.”
Junhong and Yongguk eyed him carefully.
“What about Zico?” Junhong looked concerned and it made Himchan frustrated.
He waved off the question. “Zico told me to stay away so I’m staying away. Now are you two going to help me or am I going to have to do it by myself?”
They knew he needed them there to reel him in if he went too far, but he was an adult and if he wanted to do this they couldn’t stop him.
“Count us in.” Yongguk agreed heavily.
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.5K
(one) (two) (three) (four) (five) (six)
“What are you doing home so early?” Junhong looked at the clock above the couch and frowned. It was only eight-thirty, much too early for him to be home after doing, well what he did last night. “Shouldn’t you be making googly eyes at Zico all day?”
Himchan flinched. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
He tried to get past his brother but those long arms trapped him in place. “What do you mean?” Junhong shook his wrist. “What happened? Does Zico even know you left?”
“Stop saying his name okay.” Every time that word popped out of Junhong’s lips he felt his heart pound even harder in his chest and all he wanted was to go to bed and sleep for a few days. “I’m tired. Move.”
Before Junhong could reply, their mother swept into the room, her hands on her hips and a pissed off look on her face. “Kim. Himchan.” She hissed through gritted teeth. “Do not tell me you stayed out all night long. What are you wearing? You’re dressed like you’re brother. That is not the type of clothing you should be seen in. You’ve never disobeyed me before. Now that you’ve been socializing with Junhong’s scumbag friends you’re never home and you are not the Himchan I know.” She clucked her tongue and pointed to his bedroom. “You’re not allowed out of the house today. You can see yourself to your room.”
Junhong waited for his brother to snap back with a smartass response but all he did was nod and walk carefully to his bedroom.
“He’s confused.” Yongguk murmured into his ear once their mother left the room. “Give him some time to come to terms with what happened. How would you feel if you woke up one day and realized you all of a sudden not only liked the opposite gender of what you were used to, but you also slept with them?”
“I don’t think Zico would have slept with my brother just spur of the moment.” Junhong replied, worried about his friend. “He’s had a few one night stands, but they’re always with people he’ll never see again.”
Yongguk furrowed his brows and thought for a moment. “They mentioned Zico liking him for a couple years. Did you not know anything about that?”
“What?” Junhong racked his memory for that conversation from the night before, but he only remembered bits and pieces after he started drinking and must have not taken that one in. “No. I mean, yeah, they’ve met before, but it was a long time ago. Himchan probably doesn’t even remember it.”
---
They watched Himchan pick at his supper, eyes trained on the placemat below his plate. He would occasionally pick a small piece of food up and place it in his mouth only to chew on it three times as long as was needed.
Junhong wanted to know what happened between him and Zico but Yongguk ordered him to mind his own business. He didn’t enjoy minding his own business. Nothing interesting ever came out of it. “Don’t you have to tutor Zico tomorrow?” He blurted out, ignoring the kick his boyfriend made to his feet.
Himchan’s chopsticks clattered to his plate, the strain on his face visible to everyone. “No.” He finally muttered, resuming his digging into his bowl. “I’m not doing that anymore.”
“But-“
Their mother squeezed his arm, making Junhong stop his question and whimper in pain. “Well I think that’s an excellent idea. Your brain is better spent on studying for your own school, not helping out some thug who will probably drop out soon anyway.”
Yongguk could see the anger flare up in Junhong’s face and he quickly laid a hand over his thigh and squeezed it reassuringly.
“May I be excused?” Himchan asked. “I’m not really all that hungry tonight.”
She nodded and looked pleasingly at his still full plate, much to Junhong and Yongguk’s disgust. “Of course you can sweetheart.”
Himchan stared at his ceiling, eyes focused on the water spot in the corner. He shook his head and tried to clear Zico’s face out of his mind but it kept failing. His mother fortunately kept her makeup in the bathroom so he was able to hide the large hickey and bite marks on his neck, but the ones on the rest of his body he didn’t bother with. He lifted his shirt up and ran his finger over the dark bruises on his chest.
“You little fucker.” He murmured.
A knock on the door had him rolling his eyes, knowing it was just his brother or best friend trying to get him to “talk”.
“C’mon Himchan.” Yongguk’s voice spoke up through the door. “Let us in before your brother has a meltdown.”
He turned over onto his stomach and waited. Junhong would eventually just come in uninvited anyway.
“Hyung.” A voice spoke up from behind him a few moments later. “Did you really just leave and not say anything this morning?” Junhong’s sounded pissed off. “That was low. That was really goddamn low. How could you do that to him?”
“Junhong…” Himchan’s voice was scratchy. “Please don’t okay. It was… It was just a mistake and we both just need to forget it happened.”
Junhong scoffed. “Well I’m sure you might need to. What with the perfect life of the perfect Kim Himchan. But what about what he needs? Maybe he doesn’t want to forget it happened. Maybe he woke up this morning with a broken fucking heart. Does that even matter to you?”
Of course it did. Of course Himchan was scared to death that he had hurt the younger boy. But they barely knew each other! How could Zico look at him with such emotion in his eyes?
“Junhong?” Himchan popped up in his bed, his brows furrowing in thought. “I just met Zico two weeks ago right? That was the first time we had ever met?”
His brother shook his head. “No.”
“No?” Himchan racked his brain trying once again to remember a Zico from his past and still couldn’t figure it out. “I don’t remember… When and where?”
Sighing, Junhong cocked his head to the side. “Maybe you should have been paying more attention to what went on in your home then spending all your time alone up in your bedroom.”
Himchan felt his annoyance flare up in him. No matter what his brother always had the innate ability to get under his skin with just a few words. “Just tell me where I know him from, Junhong.” He ordered, standing up angrily. “I deserve to know. He obviously remembers me.”
“Of course he does.” Junhong looked angry again for some reason. “You’re the reason he looks the way he does today.”
“What?” He was confused. “I don’t understand.”
The taller boy crossed his arms across his chest. “Don’t you remember? Are you and your friend eating ice cream again, Junhong? You’re both going to be as fat as elephants, Junhong. Maybe you both should slow down.”
The memory of the short overweight kid slammed into his brain and he shook his head, stumbling back against the bed. He remembered all the times he had teased the two boys, all the names he had called them, but most of all he couldn’t forget the look in the kid’s eyes when he made fun of how big he was.
“Jiho.” He whispered, covering his eyes in shame. “He’s Jiho?”
“He wanted to go by a different name when he lost all the weight.” Junhong answered, anger slipping away when he saw how upset he had made his brother.
Himchan took a few deep breaths to steady himself before opening his eyes. “Why didn’t he say anything? Why doesn’t he act like he hates me? I was really fucking cruel to him.”
Junhong shrugged. “He’s a good person maybe? I don’t know. Maybe you should go ask him. Apparently he likes you a hell of a lot more than you like him for some reason.”
---
He stood on the steps in front of the younger boy’s house for what felt like forever. He kept raising his fist to knock and then lowering it. It had been four days since the incident and three since he found out how they knew each other. Even though his brother had been practically begging him to go talk to Zico he just couldn’t. What would he say?
The only reason he had manned up and forced himself to come today was because he knew Zico needed help to pass. And if he didn’t keep tutoring him then he would fail. The one class a week he was forced to take for summer school barely taught him anything useful and Himchan felt guilty that he hadn’t been fulfilling his deal.
This was the first time he had ever done something for someone just because he wanted to. That meant something, he wasn’t stupid. But he didn’t want to think too hard about it just yet.
Finally he took a breath and rapped on the door. It was now or never.
“Well hello stranger!” Zico’s mother grinned brightly when she saw him in the doorway. “I was wondering where you had been. Zico refused to tell me anything.” She rolled her eyes. “I swear, sometimes that boy thinks I’m an idiot.” Motioning him inside she pointed to the back door of the house. “He’s outside with Rinnie. Go ahead.”
He stood silently against the door for a minute, watching as Zico happily kicked a soccer ball back and forth with his sister. His eyes roamed over the damp tank top and the slight, but still noticeable, muscles exposed. That was his doing, he told himself. The only reason Zico pushed his body that hard was because he had shamed him into it.
“Channie Oppa!” Rinnie screamed, running towards him and throwing her arms around his leg. “I’ve missed you are you staying all day where have you been Zico Oppa has been so mean to me lately!”
Zico flicked her on the side of the head. “Yah! Who just spent the last hour teaching you how to play soccer you little brat?”
She pouted and rubbed her sore spot. “But you yelled at me yesterday when I woke you up.”
He shook his head and turned warily towards Himchan. “What are you doing here?” His voice wasn’t near as warm as it had been when he spoke to his sister.
Himchan swallowed and toed his shoe in the dirt. “You need a tutor.” He murmured quietly. “I don’t want you to fail.”
Zico snorted. “What do you care?”
He winced. Even though he deserved the rude tone it still hurt. “You know I care.” Their eyes met. “Jiho.”
The younger boy’s eyes widened and he staggered back a few feet. “Rinnie?” His voice was strangled and his face pale. “Go in the house honey, okay?”
She looked between the two boys, debating on whether or not to listen but finally nodded and ran inside leaving them alone. Jiho continued to stare at Himchan for a minute before he gave a humorless laugh. “Of course. Junhong right? You would never remember that on your own.”
“Zico I-“
“Is that why you came over?” His voice grew louder with every word, Himchan shrinking back against the house in fear of the rabid look in his eyes. “Not to help me with school, not to be a good person, not even to fucking see me. You just wanted to apologize and get the fact that you made fun of a fifteen year old fat kid off your conscience.” Himchan hated the broken look in his eyes and his hands twitched at his sides to reach out and grab him. “Well consider it done. Consider your conscience clear.”
“But that’s not-“
“Get out.” He pointed towards the house. “I want you to leave me alone.”
Himchan growled and blocked the doorway with his body, refusing to let him pass. “No. I’m not leaving until we talk. I need to explain some things to you and you need to fill me on some stuff, too.”
Zico didn’t look like he wanted to have this conversation at eleven in the morning, but he nodded anyways. “And then you’ll leave?” He asked cautiously. “If I tell you what you want to know then you’ll walk out and never come back?”
“If that’s what you really want.” Himchan knew that wasn’t what Zico wished would happen. Neither of them wanted that. But he needed answers. Himchan rubbed his eyes and opened his mouth. “I’m sorry I didn’t know how we knew each other.” He began shakily. “But you look so, so different now. And Junhong told me that I was the reason for that.” He winced with guilt. “I’m sorry Zico. Those things I said to you two, they were just me being stupid and immature and I know that’s no excuse but-“
A chuckle reached his ears and he stopped, waiting for Zico to speak. “You don’t have to apologize. I know that’s not you anymore. I’m not angry over it, honestly. You were seventeen, you thought you were perfect, you were an asshole. That’s normal.”
Himchan cocked his head to the side. “But then why do you…” He trailed off, not sure how to put into words what he wanted to say. Not sure if he was ready to voice what he knew Zico felt about him. “Why are you still fond of me?” He chose his words carefully. “After everything I said to you, why did you want to get to know me?”
The other boy’s lips twitched and he finally met eyes with Himchan. “Because I knew that wasn’t you, hyung. I saw how messed up your family is, how everyone treats Junhong like shit and how you’re the golden child who had so much stress on his shoulders. It was obvious you hated it. Every time your mother would leave the room your shoulders would drop and you would look relieved.” Zico shrugged and looked away again. “I guess I just admired you for having to deal with that every day and never saying one word about it.”
“But there’s a difference between admiring someone and…” Himchan wondered if he should take a step towards him but the glare he received when he started to move stopped him. “And what happened between us.”
Zico raised an eyebrow at him. “And what did exactly happen between us? We fucked, Himchan. End of story. It happens.”
But they both knew that wasn’t what had happened. Zico had looked at him with so much emotion in his eyes that it made Himchan ache when he thought about it. His touches had been too tender, too soft for a simple one-night stand.
“You need to go now. I answered your question. I let you explain. Please leave.”
“Zico…” Himchan reached a hand out towards him, not surprised when the other boy batted it away. “That night, it meant something! To both of us!”
Zico shoved himself off of the wall and grabbed Himchan’s arm, yanking him into the house and dragging him past his shocked mother and sister. “Don’t fucking lie to me.” He hissed through clenched teeth. “That night meant nothing to you! Or I wouldn’t have woken up by myself!” Opening the door he forced Himchan through it and shoved him down the steps. “Don’t ever come here again.”
His voice was menacing, but his eyes showed how badly he had hurt when he woke up alone and Himchan hated himself all over again for doing that to him. But before he could respond Zico had already slammed the door in his face.
The faces watching curiously in neighbors windows didn’t even register to him. Embarrassment was the last thing in his mind. All he wanted was to go home. Not to his family, but to his dorm. He couldn’t stay here any longer.
---
Junhong’s eyes were wet but he attempted to blink it away before his boyfriend could see. “You’re a selfish bastard, Himchan-hyung.” He choked out, giving up when the dam broke and tears flowed down his cheeks. “You break Zico’s heart and now you’re going to break mine?” Yongguk pulled him against his chest and whispered softly into his ear as he sobbed into his shirt.
They watched Himchan shove his bags full of his clothes, not even caring that he was leaving his room a mess. “I’m sorry Junhong.” He sounded frantic, yanking drawers out and ripping items from them. “I really, really am. But I have to leave, I have to get out of here.”
Yongguk pulled Junhong back and told him to go wait in his room while he spoke to Himchan alone. He sat down on the bed and waited for the trembling boy to calm down.
“You wanna talk about it?” He asked gruffly, not really good with the whole heart to heart things. With Junhong it was fine, but his older brother was another story.
“I messed up.” Himchan slid down the wall to his bottom and stared blankly at him. “I messed up really bad, Guk.”
He nodded. “I know. But do you think running away is going to make it go away?”
Himchan mumbled a quiet no.
“And leaving in the middle of the day with no warning? Don’t you give one single shit what that will do to me and your brother? We were planning on spending all summer together. Don’t you care at all that you’re hurting us?”
He chewed on his lip for a second before answering. “Of course I care.” He replied truthfully. The past couple weeks he and his brother had gotten along better than they ever had. “Junhong can come with us!” He jumped up and pulled Yongguk to his feet. “Our parents couldn’t care less if he was here all summer. Go tell him to pack!”
Yongguk looked leery, but the thought of being 100% completely alone with his boyfriend for two more months was enough to get him to agree. They had only recently moved into a dorm together and it was barely big enough for the two of them, but they both knew Junhong wouldn’t need his own bed anyways.
When he was finished packing his bags and had went ahead and thrown all of Yongguk’s things in as well, he raced down the hall to his brother’s room.
“Hyung!” Junhong was now sporting a huge smile with visible dimples as he and Yongguk shoved the last of his clothes into his bag. “I’m so excited! Yonggukkie is going to show me around the school and see if I like it and he said there’s a really nice skateboarding park nearby and now he won’t have to sneak into my room every night because we’ll be sharing one and-“
Himchan held a hand up and gagged. “I get it. You want to wait till mom gets home from shopping or just leave a note?”
They all stared at each other for a second before replying at the same time.
“Note.”
---
“Are you going to tell Zico you’re leaving?” Junhong spoke up tentatively from the passenger seat of Yongguk’s car, turning around to look at his brother.
He kept his eyes trained on the landscape outside the window. “No.” He answered shortly. “He told me to never speak to him again.”
Junhong sighed. “You know he didn’t mean that, hyung. It was pretty damn obvious he had deep feelings for you.”
Himchan pulled his headphones out of his bag. “I don’t want to talk about it. What’s done is done. It’s over.” He pulled them over his ears and blocked out the rest of the trip home, keeping his head held back on the seat and his eyes closed.
“He’s going to turn into a moping asshole, isn’t he?” Junhong turned his attention back to his boyfriend, scooting over to the middle of the seat to be closer to him.
Yongguk smiled, wrapping an arm over his shoulder. “He’ll be okay. Zico’ll come around eventually. We both know what he had for your brother was more than just deep feelings.”
They changed topics to what it was going to be like to live with each other. Junhong was so excited to finally spend more than one night at their dorm that he was practically bouncing in his seat. “Make sure and tell hyung to sleep with his headphones on tonight.” He threw out nonchalantly. “I don’t want to keep him up all night.”
Yongguk almost swerved the car off the road at his words. “All night?” He squeaked, darting his eyes around to make sure no one saw his mistake. “As in all night?”
“Mmhmm.” Junhong stretched out in his seat, shirt riding up to show a sliver of his tummy to Yongguk’s lust-filled eyes. “I’m going to take a nap for the rest of the trip. Going to need my energy for tonight.” He winked at his boyfriend and ignored the small whimper he made, burrowing his face against Yongguk’s neck and sighing happily.
---
Junhong immediately made for the kitchen when they got to the dorm, searching for something to eat. “You guys have crackers. That’s it. Just crackers.” He complained, digging into the box anyway.
“We planned on being away all summer.” Yongguk told him, digging through the drawers for take-out menus. “Didn’t stock up on anything.”
Himchan ignored their bickering, collapsing on the couch in a heap. “Just shut up and go out to eat.” He mumbled. “I need to call mom anyways so unless you want to be forced to talk to her…”
Grabbing Yongguk’s arm, Junhong hollered out a quick thank you before dragging him out the door. Their mother had called eight times while they were on the way home and they had ignored all of them.
“What the hell are you doing?” She demanded as soon as he picked up the phone. “I come home and there’s a note saying you went back to school? And that you took your brother with you?”
Himchan rubbed his forehead already knowing this conversation was going to leave him with a migraine. “We decided to go ahead and head back early. Yongguk wanted to look for a job and have some money set back for the next semester. It was only partially a lie. He knew Yongguk was worried about what not having a job all summer would do to his finances. He must have really been crazy about his brother to just up and ignore it. “And Junhong wanted to get out of the house and do some new things.”
“I don’t like this.” She sniffed haughtily. “I don’t like what’s happening to you lately, Himchan. First you move in with that boy, and then you quit school for the whole summer semester just to come home and run around with that good for nothing hooligan friend of your brothers. Now you’ve taken your brother home with you? You know you will never get anything accomplished with that boy there. He hasn’t done one decent thing in all of his seventeen years.”
He wasn’t sure which made him angrier, the comments about Zico or the ones about his brother. “Don’t talk about Zico or Junhong like that.” He said angrily. “Zico was my friend and he made me happy, happier than I’ve ever been thanks to you holding my hand and smothering me my whole life. I actually wanted to get up out of bed every day because I knew that I would get to go see him. And Junhong is my baby brother and he’s your son, how can you say that about him? Maybe if you tried to get to know him you’d see that he’s actually a great kid. He’s funny and he’s kind and he is honestly the only family member that I am proud to claim.”
She was speechless for a moment at his response. “Himchan, I didn’t… You know that I-“
“I’m going to go, mother.” He interrupted. “We’ll have Junhong home before school starts, but until then I think it’s best if you didn’t call.” After he hung up he swung around to see his brother in the doorway, shock in his eyes. “Junhonggie? I thought you and Guk were going to go eat?”
“Hyung told me we could check out the skateboarding park so I was coming back up to get my board.” He licked his dry lips and nervously fiddled his fingers together. “Did you mean that? What you said about me? You’re proud of me?”
Himchan gave him an awkward nod. “Of course I am. You worked really hard the last few months to pull your grades up, you don’t nag me near as much as you used to, and… And now that you and Yongguk are together you seem happy. You’ve never come across as happy before.”
Junhong blushed and snatched his skateboard off the floor. “Th-Thanks hyung.” He muttered. “I’m proud to be your brother, too.”
Chuckling at him as he ran out the door, Himchan suddenly realized he was alone again and frowned. He wondered what Zico was doing right now. It was supper time, was he eating? Was he so furious at him that he skipped it and was instead lying in bed staring at his ceiling? Maybe he was painting. Maybe he was outside again with Rinnie, trying to force all thoughts of Himchan out of his head.
Himchan pulled his phone back out of his pocket and opened up his photo album. Dozens of pictures of Zico’s face stared back at him. Ones of him watching Himchan with soft eyes, several of him and Rinnie making silly faces, but the majority of them were of the two of them. He missed feeling the plump cheeks spread out in a grin pressed against his own, ached for the arm wrapped snugly around his shoulders.
He wanted him back. Wanted him back so hard it hurt. Even though he had never imagined himself being gay, he knew it didn’t matter. He wasn’t gay, he didn’t look at boys that passed him on the street with curious eyes. He just looked at Zico. And his stupidity had cost him that.
When his brother and Yongguk came back later that evening with ruddy cheeks, dirty clothes and a box of take-out for him, he surprised them both by announcing that they were going to go out that night.
“Where?” Yongguk asked, placing Junhong’s skateboard carefully up against the wall. “And why?”
“To a club.” Himchan answered, shoveling food into his mouth. “I want to hook up with someone.”
Junhong and Yongguk eyed him carefully.
“What about Zico?” Junhong looked concerned and it made Himchan frustrated.
He waved off the question. “Zico told me to stay away so I’m staying away. Now are you two going to help me or am I going to have to do it by myself?”
They knew he needed them there to reel him in if he went too far, but he was an adult and if he wanted to do this they couldn’t stop him.
“Count us in.” Yongguk agreed heavily.