Passion
It's 2:30am and I've spent the last hour contemplating what exactly it is that bugs me the most about my current situation. I've finally hit the nail on the head of why I am so frustrated with life.
You see, anyone that knows me knows that I am passionate and hardworking when given a task. I have been my whole life.
7th grade someone handed me a trumpet. I wasn't supposed to get that good at it. You see all my classmates had been playing since they were in 5th grade. They had two years experience on me. Eventually I'd learn but did I even let that phase me? No. By grade 8 I was playing 1st part on pieces with people who'd been playing the instrument for 8 years.
The same with drama. I joined because our high school had never had one. I had no acting ability (the stage fright... oh the stage fright) but somehow I managed to still become Back Stage Manager and run half the rehearsals. How this came about? I have no idea... but I did it and I did it with passion so I had a place on that set that was important.
When I found the perfect church as a teenager... I threw myself into it with abandon. I was there for Sunday school, Sunday morning service, early for Ensemble, followed by Youth Chorus, followed by Youth Bible Study, followed by the Sunday night service. Of course I was also there every single Wednesday. It was there that I started feeling God poking at me that if I did something I could do something great.
The problem was... I didn't know what that something was. At the time people told me I had a "Calling" to service in the Church. I loved my Church, and I loved what was going on in my life... so I jumped on that road with a new gusto.
In college (where I met so many beautiful people) I found that in order to go on to Seminary (where I had decided to be a Missionary because I felt a great need to give back to people) I had to have a B.S. in anything. It didn't really matter what it was... I just had to have it. So to get a jump up on my studies I went with a Christian Ethics/Christian Studies degree. Again I jumped in with gusto... and also found the Student Activities Counsel AND worked my way up to weekend Supervisor of the school Library. Again... I had huge amounts on my plate and I was doing it all with as much passion as I could. Until I ran out of it... I started getting depressed and started realizing that maybe Seminary and Missions weren't what I was "Called" to do. Then I started realizing that sadly... I didn't even know what I'd do with an undergraduate Ethics degree. At that point it wasn't something you normally got at that level... to do anything useful with it you really needed to get a Masters... and I was suddenly failing at all my studies due to depression. How was I supposed to go on to the Masters/Doctorate level? Slowly my course and path started to melt in front of my eyes and I woke up bewildered wondering what was next for me?
After I left college with the intention of going back once I was well... I fell into a similar situations. Jobs where I put myself into it with as much gusto as I could. Suddenly my passion was being fueled into other people's dreams. I was working myself to death so that people would be proud of me so that I could feel a sense of place. SO I'D FEEL A FALSE SENSE OF SELF WORTH. I was a work-a-holic and was getting nothing out of it except helping other people live their dreams.
And then I crashed and burned again. Lost everything. My gusto for everything left me. I was an empty vessel unable to even participate in my beloved hobbies I'd had for years (which I had also consequently dug myself in too deep. Scanning 13 volumes of manga a month is a little too much for anyone I think...)
And now I'm sitting at a new place. A great place most people say. But it is frustrating. Frustrating because for the first time in my life I can go any direction and do ANYTHING. I can live my dream...
But I don't know what my dream is anymore. I don't know what I'm passionate about. I'm barely living most days. But I'm waiting... searching... seeking my dream. Because I feel like once I find it, I can finally go after it with the gusto I have with everything else in my life.
THAT excites me.
Now to find the dream... Wouldn't that be frustrating to you? To not know your dream and have the means to go for it and get your second chance?
I'll find it. Please pray it isn't before I get sucked into something I'm not passionate about though... and before I decide it isn't worth it and start funneling all my passions once more into something I don't really love and into someone else's dream.
You see, anyone that knows me knows that I am passionate and hardworking when given a task. I have been my whole life.
7th grade someone handed me a trumpet. I wasn't supposed to get that good at it. You see all my classmates had been playing since they were in 5th grade. They had two years experience on me. Eventually I'd learn but did I even let that phase me? No. By grade 8 I was playing 1st part on pieces with people who'd been playing the instrument for 8 years.
The same with drama. I joined because our high school had never had one. I had no acting ability (the stage fright... oh the stage fright) but somehow I managed to still become Back Stage Manager and run half the rehearsals. How this came about? I have no idea... but I did it and I did it with passion so I had a place on that set that was important.
When I found the perfect church as a teenager... I threw myself into it with abandon. I was there for Sunday school, Sunday morning service, early for Ensemble, followed by Youth Chorus, followed by Youth Bible Study, followed by the Sunday night service. Of course I was also there every single Wednesday. It was there that I started feeling God poking at me that if I did something I could do something great.
The problem was... I didn't know what that something was. At the time people told me I had a "Calling" to service in the Church. I loved my Church, and I loved what was going on in my life... so I jumped on that road with a new gusto.
In college (where I met so many beautiful people) I found that in order to go on to Seminary (where I had decided to be a Missionary because I felt a great need to give back to people) I had to have a B.S. in anything. It didn't really matter what it was... I just had to have it. So to get a jump up on my studies I went with a Christian Ethics/Christian Studies degree. Again I jumped in with gusto... and also found the Student Activities Counsel AND worked my way up to weekend Supervisor of the school Library. Again... I had huge amounts on my plate and I was doing it all with as much passion as I could. Until I ran out of it... I started getting depressed and started realizing that maybe Seminary and Missions weren't what I was "Called" to do. Then I started realizing that sadly... I didn't even know what I'd do with an undergraduate Ethics degree. At that point it wasn't something you normally got at that level... to do anything useful with it you really needed to get a Masters... and I was suddenly failing at all my studies due to depression. How was I supposed to go on to the Masters/Doctorate level? Slowly my course and path started to melt in front of my eyes and I woke up bewildered wondering what was next for me?
After I left college with the intention of going back once I was well... I fell into a similar situations. Jobs where I put myself into it with as much gusto as I could. Suddenly my passion was being fueled into other people's dreams. I was working myself to death so that people would be proud of me so that I could feel a sense of place. SO I'D FEEL A FALSE SENSE OF SELF WORTH. I was a work-a-holic and was getting nothing out of it except helping other people live their dreams.
And then I crashed and burned again. Lost everything. My gusto for everything left me. I was an empty vessel unable to even participate in my beloved hobbies I'd had for years (which I had also consequently dug myself in too deep. Scanning 13 volumes of manga a month is a little too much for anyone I think...)
And now I'm sitting at a new place. A great place most people say. But it is frustrating. Frustrating because for the first time in my life I can go any direction and do ANYTHING. I can live my dream...
But I don't know what my dream is anymore. I don't know what I'm passionate about. I'm barely living most days. But I'm waiting... searching... seeking my dream. Because I feel like once I find it, I can finally go after it with the gusto I have with everything else in my life.
THAT excites me.
Now to find the dream... Wouldn't that be frustrating to you? To not know your dream and have the means to go for it and get your second chance?
I'll find it. Please pray it isn't before I get sucked into something I'm not passionate about though... and before I decide it isn't worth it and start funneling all my passions once more into something I don't really love and into someone else's dream.