i believe that vision will come and that fear will go
I've been thinking a lot about where I am in life right now and how I got here...going through my old entries..deleting a whole mess of em..erm..anything having to remotely do with some trainwreck disaster of a relationship that I once had with a certain certifiably insane person whose name rhymes with lawn...lol
I always used to look back and think that I had things figured out back then. Reading those old entries makes me realize that I was more of a fucking idiot then than I remembered...I had no common sense and I let people walk all over me and take pieces of me that were irrecoverable. I was spineless and I idealized a past that wasn't anywhere near being ideal..or anything I should ever emulate ever again.
I was a mess after my dad died..and I tried my hardest to pretend I had it all together. I tried to seem stronger than I was. I hadn't been through enough to make me wise. Even though I had been through the ringer, I was still a whiny fucking teenager full of angst about my bullshit problems. I worried about the stupid shit while the big stuff piled up around me and nearly suffocated me. I drifted through, clinging to whatever I thought could solve my problems, not realizing that I should've just stayed to myself and saved myself. Instead of drifting from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship, I could've fixed what was ailing me at the time. Dealing with my dad's death and my mom being a manipulative, opportunistic sponge should've been what I focused my time and energy on...but instead I took the long road..
I don't know what made me think I had it better back then...
I suppose we always think that there was a simpler, happier time, where things were all figured out and sorted...
Looking back has gotten me nowhere in the last five years. That's all I've been doing, though...
Looking back and wondering what the fuck happened to me.
I don't look at the present moment and give thanks for how far I've come in my life. I don't acknowledge enough the gifts that I've been given..the opportunities I've had and taken advantage of. Instead of complaining, I should be giving thanks for the roof over my head, the food that I eat that nourishes my body and soul, the companionship and fulfilling love that Kelly gives me, my soft and snuggly puppy who makes me smile all of the time, the herb that put things into perspective for me and set the path that i'm currently on and transformed my goals and dreams for the future..i'm thankful that I'm going to get the opportunity to go back to school next spring and become a botanist...I'm thankful that I have a girl who respects me and treats me like a princess. I'm lucky to be in such a wonderful place in my life right now.
I might not have a job..I might have gotten screwed by my former employer, who fired me during an economic downturn where no jobs relevant to my training and experience exist, but I am lucky enough to still be able to pay rent and afford to keep us sustained.
I'm having a moment of clarity right now and I felt the need to take advantage of that to think some things out. I need to have a change of perspective..
I need to always give thanks for what I've got...
I always seem to whine about what I don't have and never rejoice in that which I have. That's what makes me miserable and bitter and unhappy... We're never satisfied with what we've got and that should change..
I always used to look back and think that I had things figured out back then. Reading those old entries makes me realize that I was more of a fucking idiot then than I remembered...I had no common sense and I let people walk all over me and take pieces of me that were irrecoverable. I was spineless and I idealized a past that wasn't anywhere near being ideal..or anything I should ever emulate ever again.
I was a mess after my dad died..and I tried my hardest to pretend I had it all together. I tried to seem stronger than I was. I hadn't been through enough to make me wise. Even though I had been through the ringer, I was still a whiny fucking teenager full of angst about my bullshit problems. I worried about the stupid shit while the big stuff piled up around me and nearly suffocated me. I drifted through, clinging to whatever I thought could solve my problems, not realizing that I should've just stayed to myself and saved myself. Instead of drifting from meaningless relationship to meaningless relationship, I could've fixed what was ailing me at the time. Dealing with my dad's death and my mom being a manipulative, opportunistic sponge should've been what I focused my time and energy on...but instead I took the long road..
I don't know what made me think I had it better back then...
I suppose we always think that there was a simpler, happier time, where things were all figured out and sorted...
Looking back has gotten me nowhere in the last five years. That's all I've been doing, though...
Looking back and wondering what the fuck happened to me.
I don't look at the present moment and give thanks for how far I've come in my life. I don't acknowledge enough the gifts that I've been given..the opportunities I've had and taken advantage of. Instead of complaining, I should be giving thanks for the roof over my head, the food that I eat that nourishes my body and soul, the companionship and fulfilling love that Kelly gives me, my soft and snuggly puppy who makes me smile all of the time, the herb that put things into perspective for me and set the path that i'm currently on and transformed my goals and dreams for the future..i'm thankful that I'm going to get the opportunity to go back to school next spring and become a botanist...I'm thankful that I have a girl who respects me and treats me like a princess. I'm lucky to be in such a wonderful place in my life right now.
I might not have a job..I might have gotten screwed by my former employer, who fired me during an economic downturn where no jobs relevant to my training and experience exist, but I am lucky enough to still be able to pay rent and afford to keep us sustained.
I'm having a moment of clarity right now and I felt the need to take advantage of that to think some things out. I need to have a change of perspective..
I need to always give thanks for what I've got...
I always seem to whine about what I don't have and never rejoice in that which I have. That's what makes me miserable and bitter and unhappy... We're never satisfied with what we've got and that should change..