and they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics, even when they're dry as my lips for years...
i mohawked my hair today...i get tired of having to be all dull during the week...
the externship is going so well...after about 45 hours they decided they were going to hire me when i was done with my extern hours...only 195 more to go...i'm just so tired.....i'm not used to working..by the end of the week my feet hurt so fucking bad..but i'm learning so much..and i'm so glad i'm a quick learner..i hope they offer me a decent rate of pay...they should...i rock...
i am the best pharmacy tech ever!
every time i think about my accomplishments i start to get depressed...i wonder if i'm exactly what he thought i would be..and i wonder if i make him proud.....i keep thinking about where i would be if he were still alive, then i feel horrible thinking that i would never have made it this far if he were still here..it's a harsh truth..but i think i would be completely different...i'd prolly be just like my brother ended up...
i don't think i would've furthered my education...i would've been stuck..
it's a painful thought that's hard for me to face...
it was his death that set me free...that set me off into the world...
i wrestle with this thought constantly...and i feel so guilty for even thinking it..and i wonder if it hurts him knowing that i feel that way...
but he was sick..and that was one sickness i couldn't help him through...
i did everything that i could..and so did he..but it got him..and it was too late...my world was turned upside down...
i feel bitter and shafted....
my brothers had years of awesome memories with him...but when i was growing up he got hurt..and then he got sick..and i didn't get to experience the same wonderful happy father-daughter things...
and when he wasn't in pain, he was drunk or high. to escape that pain...and we were arguing and i was hurting...
i hate to complain about my life, but i can't help but feel that it's not fair...
the thing that really crushes me is that once we finally started to get along...like, REALLY get along, he got really sick...
i visited him every day in the ICU..even the times he didn't know who i was.....and i hoped he was coming home..
but he never did...
instead, i held his hand as he died...
it doesn't seem fair that all of these stupid angst-filled teenagers fucking complain about how their fucking parent won't take them to the god damn mall and how fucking horrible their life is because of that..and how they wish their parent would just drop dead so they could be so much fucking happier...why do they seem to have the privilage of not losing that person until way later on in life? why did i, at the age of 16, have to have him die? why did i have to speak at his funeral and console my grief-stricken mother?
ok, ok...
i'm done being stupid now...
sorry i wasted everyone's precious time...
*sigh*
the externship is going so well...after about 45 hours they decided they were going to hire me when i was done with my extern hours...only 195 more to go...i'm just so tired.....i'm not used to working..by the end of the week my feet hurt so fucking bad..but i'm learning so much..and i'm so glad i'm a quick learner..i hope they offer me a decent rate of pay...they should...i rock...
i am the best pharmacy tech ever!
every time i think about my accomplishments i start to get depressed...i wonder if i'm exactly what he thought i would be..and i wonder if i make him proud.....i keep thinking about where i would be if he were still alive, then i feel horrible thinking that i would never have made it this far if he were still here..it's a harsh truth..but i think i would be completely different...i'd prolly be just like my brother ended up...
i don't think i would've furthered my education...i would've been stuck..
it's a painful thought that's hard for me to face...
it was his death that set me free...that set me off into the world...
i wrestle with this thought constantly...and i feel so guilty for even thinking it..and i wonder if it hurts him knowing that i feel that way...
but he was sick..and that was one sickness i couldn't help him through...
i did everything that i could..and so did he..but it got him..and it was too late...my world was turned upside down...
i feel bitter and shafted....
my brothers had years of awesome memories with him...but when i was growing up he got hurt..and then he got sick..and i didn't get to experience the same wonderful happy father-daughter things...
and when he wasn't in pain, he was drunk or high. to escape that pain...and we were arguing and i was hurting...
i hate to complain about my life, but i can't help but feel that it's not fair...
the thing that really crushes me is that once we finally started to get along...like, REALLY get along, he got really sick...
i visited him every day in the ICU..even the times he didn't know who i was.....and i hoped he was coming home..
but he never did...
instead, i held his hand as he died...
it doesn't seem fair that all of these stupid angst-filled teenagers fucking complain about how their fucking parent won't take them to the god damn mall and how fucking horrible their life is because of that..and how they wish their parent would just drop dead so they could be so much fucking happier...why do they seem to have the privilage of not losing that person until way later on in life? why did i, at the age of 16, have to have him die? why did i have to speak at his funeral and console my grief-stricken mother?
ok, ok...
i'm done being stupid now...
sorry i wasted everyone's precious time...
*sigh*