Merry Christmas evilweevil04 & chichiris_chica!
This is doubly dedicated to evilweevil04 & also chichiris_chica who was a darling and took on multiple fics to help us out. *super hugs*
Title: Maybe With A Christmas Theme! Or, How To Be Sensitive And Aware Of Your Friends' Lifestyle Choice
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to JK Rowling and Warner Bros.
Warnings: None.
Authors Notes: I wanted to put an original spin on this - something special for the gift exchange. I hope you appreciate this story. Happy holidays!
Prompt #7: MWPP, sixth or seventh year. James and Peter know something Sirius doesn't know and so try to fulfill Remus's Christmas wish by hooking him up with that special someone. Sirius gets in on the plot, completely oblivious that he's that someone. Up to R.. I'm not a fan of really explicit stuff, but feel free to get it rather raunchy.
To: evilweevil04 & chichiris_chica
from your Secret Santa
Maybe With A Christmas Theme!
Or, How To Be Sensitive And Aware Of Your Friends' Lifestyle Choices
"Oh fuck oh Merlin oh--"
"Prongs?"
"--bloody fucking fuck oh--"
"James."
"--cunting cunting arsebiscuits oh fuck--"
"James! If you're polishing your wand and forgot to put up silencing charms, I'm going to bloody murder you."
"I'm not!" The curtains flew open and a red-cheeked James Potter appeared, staring at Peter in an indescribable way. The closest words that came to Peter's mind were "absolute panic," but James Potter was never in an absolute panic. James Potter had talked his way out of more detentions than anyone could count, had aced History of Magic tests even Lily had been worried about, had snuck back into the dormitories beneath Professor McGonagall's very nose. James Potter was unstoppable. As Peter thought this, James went back to swearing, yanking his curtains shut again to do so in some modicum of privacy.
But as it was interrupting Peter's train of thought (that train of thought having previously been derailed from thinking about Charms to exactly how short Marietta King's skirt was), he decided to do his best to solve whatever this problem was now. He stood in front of the curtains and, as the fabric did not lend itself to him knocking, as if at a door, he asked, "Alright. What's going on?"
"Only the end of my bloody life."
"...you've been kicked off the House team?"
"Worse."
"Sirius was forced to confess to Dumbledore and he named you as the ringleader of all the troubles in the entire school?"
"Worse."
"Lily's in love with Snape?"
"Not that bad."
"Alright, then we don't have to commit murder." Peter pulled aside one curtain and peered inside at James, who was lying on his back. "What do we have to do?"
In response, James pulled the pillow over his face and groaned. "Stop time. Change the fate of humanity as we know it by Christmas. Set up two of our best friends."
Peter felt his face twist into an expression of incredulity. "...if by set up you mean... set them up, like, old gangster movies?" He tried and failed to produce a Chicago accent, saying, "Shet them up fah tha big fahll?"
"No, I mean, worse. Set them up-set them up."
"...WHO DO WE KNOW WHO'S SECRETLY IN LOVE AND DOESN'T--" Peter began to demand, but before he could even finish his question, he knew the answer. "Oh. Do they know about it?"
"One of them does."
"The smart one or the idiot one?"
"The smart one, of course."
"So Sirius is...?"
"Totally oblivious." Finally he sat up, pushed the curtains back, and made room for Peter to sit on his bed. "Remus just won't say anything. Gives me dirty looks when I try to bring it up."
"You've tried to talk to him about it?"
"Well, yeah, that's the obvious place to start."
"No, it's not," Peter sighed. "Remus doesn't talk about anything. You know, talk-talk. Important-talk. Unless it's telling you and Sirius that you're wankers."
"Oh, shut--"
"Why are we doing this, anyway?"
Seeming to accept that Peter would be his partner in crime for this project, he replied slowly, "Well, it may or may not have something to do with me proving to Lily that... how did she put it?... I'm... not entirely unsensitive and oblivious to my friends' needs and lifestyle choices."
Peter snorted. "Ridiculous! We know about their lifestyle choices. Whether Sirius is shagging girls or boys he locks us all out of the dorm and acts smug about it for days after anything happens. And Remus, well..."
"We know Remus is a swot. And..." James made a brief gesture that vaguely resembled a dog scratching behind his own ear, which Peter took to mean, 'He's a fucking werewolf.' Peter nodded and secretly thought that James was a bit of an idiot sometimes.
"Well, so, what? You promised Lily you'd hook the two of them up by Christmas?"
"For Christmas."
"...because 'tis the season to meddle in your friends' personal business?"
"Precisely."
"James, you're a wanker."
"That's Remus's job to tell us that, you know."
"Just thought I'd let you know. So." Peter looked around, beginning to understand why James felt so overwhelmed. "Where do we start?"
"Well... letting Sirius know, perhaps?"
James rolled his eyes. "Can you imagine how that conversation would go? 'Sirius, mate, you're in love with Remus. Go shag him instead of everyone else in the castle.' He'd think we were mad."
"Why? What's so mad about that? It's the easiest way, really..."
"What would we do after that, then? Write love letters and sign it from secret admirers?"
Peter was warming up to this idea. "Yes! And put clues as to who it's from in each one. Locks of hair... no, that's really cheesy."
"Yeah. Just hints about stuff we've all done, maybe? Stuff only the four of us would know!" James was catching on as well, Peter was pleased to see. "And since it couldn't be you or me... wait, you're not secretly in love with either of them, are you?"
He glared at James. "NO. Sorry. You wanker."
"Right, fine, just checking. I'd hate to think, you know... that would be a fucking awful situation, you know? If you and they were and--"
"I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH EITHER OF THEM!" Peter announced very firmly, then continued, "Now, what about gifts?"
"Traditional stuff? Chocolates, flowers, poems and sonnets...?"
"Remus might like chocolate, but isn't the other stuff sort of girly?"
James scrunched up his face. "I dunno. Are they the girly type?"
As seriously as he could, Peter said, "James, you're being unsensitive and oblivious to your friends' lifestyle choices here..."
"Shut up!" he said, turning pink again. "I don't understand her. Or any women. Honestly."
Thinking he understood Marietta King's short skirt quite well, Peter just mumbled some agreement, then tried to focus again. "We could always send them on a - what do you call it? - wild goose chase, something like that? With the clues and the secret meeting place and they could meet up together--"
"--or even go on the chase together! Scavenger hunt!"
"--and the end destination is some romantic picnic or something and a note from us saying--"
"--WANKERS: YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER. ACCEPT THIS PICNIC AND COMMENCE WITH THE SHAGGING."
"...maybe not exactly that."
"No, you're right. Something to that effect, though."
"Yeah. Maybe with a Christmas theme!"
They clapped their hands at this and bounced. A squealing noise escaped one of them, though each was sure the other had made that awful, girly sound. They were on the verge of hugging when Sirius opened the door and flounced inside. He stared at them and finally asked, "What the hell are you two girls doing?"
"Making top-secret plans," James said mysteriously.
"Sometimes that's what friends are for," Peter added.
"For what?" Sirius asked again, confused.
"For setting each other up with their soulmates and--" Peter began to explain, out of habit, before James smacked him across the face with a pillow.
But it was too late. "Oh... you mean me and our favorite werewolf?"
"PETER YOU TWAT," James exploded, and attempted to smother him with the pillow. Peter finally wriggled out of his grasp and landed on the floor, gasping for air, as James berated him. "YOU'VE FUCKING RUINED ALL OUR PLANS AND NOW THEY'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AND LILY WILL NEVER SHAG ME AGAIN AND--"
"Because we're already dating," Sirius said very calmly, and turned his knapsack upside down to empty every book he owned onto the floor. He stepped over them and stretched out on his bed, grinning smugly at the shocked expressions on James and Peter's faces. "Been official for seven days, thirty-two hours, and fifty-one minutes."
"Forty-seven," Remus said as he too entered the dormitory. He sat at the foot of Sirius's bed, holding a book in his lap, grinning at his - boyfriend? Peter was just getting used to the idea that all their plans were in vain. "You kissed me for four minutes first when I finally asked you, before you said yes."
"Whatever you say, buttercakes..." Sirius answered in a sickeningly sweet voice. Remus threw the book on his chest and Sirius made a noise that sounded rather like 'oof.'
"Tell me you weren't making plans to set us up," Remus said to James and Peter, who were still frozen in their respective positions of smothering bastard and escaping victim. "I take it your stunned silence is a yes. Sorry to disappoint you, but just think - your job is so much easier now."
James laughed. Remus kissed Sirius. Peter got up and went to find Marietta King and her short skirt. After a moment, Sirius said, "Oy. James. Get the hell out of the room. Go find Evans or something."
"Are you - oh, for fuck's sake, Sirius, I've got an essay due--"
"Go write it in the library," Remus said from Sirius's arms, pointing his wand at James's books and sending them out the door. "And meet Lily there. Thank her for her concern but tell her we beat her to your little bet."
"How did you know about that?!" James demanded.
"The Moony knows all..." Sirius said mysteriously. Remus silenced him with a firm kiss. James left before he saw too much of what had turned out to be really a good situation after all, and went to find Lily to tell her that he was sensitive and aware of his friends' lifestyle choices, in hopes of congratulatory favors.
Title: Maybe With A Christmas Theme! Or, How To Be Sensitive And Aware Of Your Friends' Lifestyle Choice
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to JK Rowling and Warner Bros.
Warnings: None.
Authors Notes: I wanted to put an original spin on this - something special for the gift exchange. I hope you appreciate this story. Happy holidays!
Prompt #7: MWPP, sixth or seventh year. James and Peter know something Sirius doesn't know and so try to fulfill Remus's Christmas wish by hooking him up with that special someone. Sirius gets in on the plot, completely oblivious that he's that someone. Up to R.. I'm not a fan of really explicit stuff, but feel free to get it rather raunchy.
To: evilweevil04 & chichiris_chica
from your Secret Santa
Maybe With A Christmas Theme!
Or, How To Be Sensitive And Aware Of Your Friends' Lifestyle Choices
"Oh fuck oh Merlin oh--"
"Prongs?"
"--bloody fucking fuck oh--"
"James."
"--cunting cunting arsebiscuits oh fuck--"
"James! If you're polishing your wand and forgot to put up silencing charms, I'm going to bloody murder you."
"I'm not!" The curtains flew open and a red-cheeked James Potter appeared, staring at Peter in an indescribable way. The closest words that came to Peter's mind were "absolute panic," but James Potter was never in an absolute panic. James Potter had talked his way out of more detentions than anyone could count, had aced History of Magic tests even Lily had been worried about, had snuck back into the dormitories beneath Professor McGonagall's very nose. James Potter was unstoppable. As Peter thought this, James went back to swearing, yanking his curtains shut again to do so in some modicum of privacy.
But as it was interrupting Peter's train of thought (that train of thought having previously been derailed from thinking about Charms to exactly how short Marietta King's skirt was), he decided to do his best to solve whatever this problem was now. He stood in front of the curtains and, as the fabric did not lend itself to him knocking, as if at a door, he asked, "Alright. What's going on?"
"Only the end of my bloody life."
"...you've been kicked off the House team?"
"Worse."
"Sirius was forced to confess to Dumbledore and he named you as the ringleader of all the troubles in the entire school?"
"Worse."
"Lily's in love with Snape?"
"Not that bad."
"Alright, then we don't have to commit murder." Peter pulled aside one curtain and peered inside at James, who was lying on his back. "What do we have to do?"
In response, James pulled the pillow over his face and groaned. "Stop time. Change the fate of humanity as we know it by Christmas. Set up two of our best friends."
Peter felt his face twist into an expression of incredulity. "...if by set up you mean... set them up, like, old gangster movies?" He tried and failed to produce a Chicago accent, saying, "Shet them up fah tha big fahll?"
"No, I mean, worse. Set them up-set them up."
"...WHO DO WE KNOW WHO'S SECRETLY IN LOVE AND DOESN'T--" Peter began to demand, but before he could even finish his question, he knew the answer. "Oh. Do they know about it?"
"One of them does."
"The smart one or the idiot one?"
"The smart one, of course."
"So Sirius is...?"
"Totally oblivious." Finally he sat up, pushed the curtains back, and made room for Peter to sit on his bed. "Remus just won't say anything. Gives me dirty looks when I try to bring it up."
"You've tried to talk to him about it?"
"Well, yeah, that's the obvious place to start."
"No, it's not," Peter sighed. "Remus doesn't talk about anything. You know, talk-talk. Important-talk. Unless it's telling you and Sirius that you're wankers."
"Oh, shut--"
"Why are we doing this, anyway?"
Seeming to accept that Peter would be his partner in crime for this project, he replied slowly, "Well, it may or may not have something to do with me proving to Lily that... how did she put it?... I'm... not entirely unsensitive and oblivious to my friends' needs and lifestyle choices."
Peter snorted. "Ridiculous! We know about their lifestyle choices. Whether Sirius is shagging girls or boys he locks us all out of the dorm and acts smug about it for days after anything happens. And Remus, well..."
"We know Remus is a swot. And..." James made a brief gesture that vaguely resembled a dog scratching behind his own ear, which Peter took to mean, 'He's a fucking werewolf.' Peter nodded and secretly thought that James was a bit of an idiot sometimes.
"Well, so, what? You promised Lily you'd hook the two of them up by Christmas?"
"For Christmas."
"...because 'tis the season to meddle in your friends' personal business?"
"Precisely."
"James, you're a wanker."
"That's Remus's job to tell us that, you know."
"Just thought I'd let you know. So." Peter looked around, beginning to understand why James felt so overwhelmed. "Where do we start?"
"Well... letting Sirius know, perhaps?"
James rolled his eyes. "Can you imagine how that conversation would go? 'Sirius, mate, you're in love with Remus. Go shag him instead of everyone else in the castle.' He'd think we were mad."
"Why? What's so mad about that? It's the easiest way, really..."
"What would we do after that, then? Write love letters and sign it from secret admirers?"
Peter was warming up to this idea. "Yes! And put clues as to who it's from in each one. Locks of hair... no, that's really cheesy."
"Yeah. Just hints about stuff we've all done, maybe? Stuff only the four of us would know!" James was catching on as well, Peter was pleased to see. "And since it couldn't be you or me... wait, you're not secretly in love with either of them, are you?"
He glared at James. "NO. Sorry. You wanker."
"Right, fine, just checking. I'd hate to think, you know... that would be a fucking awful situation, you know? If you and they were and--"
"I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH EITHER OF THEM!" Peter announced very firmly, then continued, "Now, what about gifts?"
"Traditional stuff? Chocolates, flowers, poems and sonnets...?"
"Remus might like chocolate, but isn't the other stuff sort of girly?"
James scrunched up his face. "I dunno. Are they the girly type?"
As seriously as he could, Peter said, "James, you're being unsensitive and oblivious to your friends' lifestyle choices here..."
"Shut up!" he said, turning pink again. "I don't understand her. Or any women. Honestly."
Thinking he understood Marietta King's short skirt quite well, Peter just mumbled some agreement, then tried to focus again. "We could always send them on a - what do you call it? - wild goose chase, something like that? With the clues and the secret meeting place and they could meet up together--"
"--or even go on the chase together! Scavenger hunt!"
"--and the end destination is some romantic picnic or something and a note from us saying--"
"--WANKERS: YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER. ACCEPT THIS PICNIC AND COMMENCE WITH THE SHAGGING."
"...maybe not exactly that."
"No, you're right. Something to that effect, though."
"Yeah. Maybe with a Christmas theme!"
They clapped their hands at this and bounced. A squealing noise escaped one of them, though each was sure the other had made that awful, girly sound. They were on the verge of hugging when Sirius opened the door and flounced inside. He stared at them and finally asked, "What the hell are you two girls doing?"
"Making top-secret plans," James said mysteriously.
"Sometimes that's what friends are for," Peter added.
"For what?" Sirius asked again, confused.
"For setting each other up with their soulmates and--" Peter began to explain, out of habit, before James smacked him across the face with a pillow.
But it was too late. "Oh... you mean me and our favorite werewolf?"
"PETER YOU TWAT," James exploded, and attempted to smother him with the pillow. Peter finally wriggled out of his grasp and landed on the floor, gasping for air, as James berated him. "YOU'VE FUCKING RUINED ALL OUR PLANS AND NOW THEY'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AND LILY WILL NEVER SHAG ME AGAIN AND--"
"Because we're already dating," Sirius said very calmly, and turned his knapsack upside down to empty every book he owned onto the floor. He stepped over them and stretched out on his bed, grinning smugly at the shocked expressions on James and Peter's faces. "Been official for seven days, thirty-two hours, and fifty-one minutes."
"Forty-seven," Remus said as he too entered the dormitory. He sat at the foot of Sirius's bed, holding a book in his lap, grinning at his - boyfriend? Peter was just getting used to the idea that all their plans were in vain. "You kissed me for four minutes first when I finally asked you, before you said yes."
"Whatever you say, buttercakes..." Sirius answered in a sickeningly sweet voice. Remus threw the book on his chest and Sirius made a noise that sounded rather like 'oof.'
"Tell me you weren't making plans to set us up," Remus said to James and Peter, who were still frozen in their respective positions of smothering bastard and escaping victim. "I take it your stunned silence is a yes. Sorry to disappoint you, but just think - your job is so much easier now."
James laughed. Remus kissed Sirius. Peter got up and went to find Marietta King and her short skirt. After a moment, Sirius said, "Oy. James. Get the hell out of the room. Go find Evans or something."
"Are you - oh, for fuck's sake, Sirius, I've got an essay due--"
"Go write it in the library," Remus said from Sirius's arms, pointing his wand at James's books and sending them out the door. "And meet Lily there. Thank her for her concern but tell her we beat her to your little bet."
"How did you know about that?!" James demanded.
"The Moony knows all..." Sirius said mysteriously. Remus silenced him with a firm kiss. James left before he saw too much of what had turned out to be really a good situation after all, and went to find Lily to tell her that he was sensitive and aware of his friends' lifestyle choices, in hopes of congratulatory favors.