if I gave you pretty enough words could you paint a picture of us that works
So today would have been that very special day in which we would have been together for 2 years... 2 long long years of everything from walks and star gazing to fights and walking away from me at a dance. So much we went threw... Do I regret it? No I cant say that I do, you see it was fun while it lasted although I did take it for granted and now you've taught me a very valueable lesson in life... that is too enjoy it and feel luck for the great things you have. I cant say I dont miss you but Ive put behind me the feeling of need and want for you as I used too, now its only a friends love.. a friends caring... and a friends sadness and worry for you. Things have changed and I wish I had the old scottie back, the one where you would instant message me late at night during your freshmen year and telling me how your day was and listening to my problems and telling me you cared.. having fun loving conversations and just laughing and joking when we saw each other, even back then when we were just friends we had the best times and talks, i miss it so much. It was hard getting over you and I should say that I will never totally get over you but I know now that I only want you as a friend. You've taught me a lot and Im learning slowly from your lesson's and actions, I knew this would eventualy happen and now that it has your happy...and so am I. I cant say I wasnt happy with you because I was very happy... but the things you did made me sad.. the way i felt like you never really told me anything... the way it seemed you never wanted to be by me... the way when i was sick you would come see me... the way you didnt talk to me when vince was around... the way that you pretty much pushed me out of the way when your friends wanted to walk by you in the hall.... the way you got mad so easly... the way I never felt like I was good enough.. I did cry and I did cut and I did apologize for the things that I did too you or made you feel... but I always felt like you were holding it over my head... I know the things I did hurt you I do keep in mind I didnt feel the hurt so I dont know first hand the pain... but I felt pain too... pain from all the things I listed... from the things i didnt. I dont hide from anyone anymore... if someone is going to be my friend or love me they will know me... they will know that theres a good chance I will hurt them. So today would have been a special day indeed.. too bad we didnt make it. I wonder sometimes if you even think of me or remember me, if you wonder what I'm doing or thinking about or if I'm thinking about you or if you ever just start dialing my number wanting to talk to me. I always thought we were meant to be... but I failed you scottie like I will everyone that ever come's into my life. I used to cry in my sleep about a month ago was the last time I did... I would wake up and think of you after I had dreamt about you breaking my heart... your picture was right there and I knew I shouldnt look but I had too.. it would comfort me knowing something that was once there still was... but now... I dont need that comfort any more... I dont need your picture there when i wake up. I look at your picture when i need strength for things or will not to do stuff... remembering always that you cared and how disappointed you would be in me... now i dont even need that because I know I have friends and people that love me not just you anymore. This was all probably for the best... we needed to be together for the time we were... we needed to teach each other things... and learn from each other... you saved me and I tried saving you... but I think I failed. IF only you would have opened up more to me... if only you would have let me touch your heart... if only i wouldnt have hurt you so badly.
Its true what they say scottie... I dont know what i want... i used to think it was you... but now I have no clue what I want...
This will be my last entry that you will be able to see... its to much work to heal the wounds my words make on others... to much work to keep together what I have. So from now on all entry's in this journal will be private where only I can see them from the sign in on my LJ name. From now on I'll forget you as everything but a friend... from here on You will be my memory... from here on I wont let myself get my heartbroken... from here on I will learn to live on my own and not need someone always with me... from here on I will be Kari... a new kari one that will learn from those mistake's her and her love one's made. I will be better than I am now... or ever was. I'll make everyone proud... I'll do things right for once in my life. I will not let someone control me or my feelings... I will not be just another sad child ready at any time to kill themselve.
I'm stopping smoking!
I'm not going to drink!
I'm never going to touch a drug in my life
I'm never going to be what I was again...
I'm going to change this time no matter what happens in my life... if I dont I will end up killing myself... maybe if I try real hard this time... I'll be happy and I wont feel the pain. Maybe if I'm perfect my dad wont die, maybe if I'm perfect my mom wont hate me, maybe if I'm perfect you may grow to love me again, maybe if I'm perfect I can change peoples lives in a good way... maybe if I'm perfect I'll be good enough for the world. I'm not going back to where I was ever again, not back to where I couldnt sleep with out pills and cutting myself, back to where I had to at least try to kill myself to be happy... back to where I had nothing... back to where I fucked it all up.
i dreamt. that we would make it far.
driving in your car
headed no where fast.
and then, as nowhere drew closer
i thought we needed some kind of closure
to close in on our past.
but you kept driving
and i kept trying
but it's hard to pretened
even though i wasn't lying
so i opened the door and threw myself out of the car.
and it hurt so bad, when i fell so hard
and i layed face first with a broken heart
as i watched your tailights fade into the distance.
we wanted so much of what wasn't there
we tried to hard, we tried so hard just to care.
but it fell right in front of both of our eyes.
and i'm sorry it had to be this way.
god i wish i could relive every day.
in your arms.
in your arms.
but we both know its over.
and you can hate me.
i understand.
but those three words i spoke
were never planned.
i meant every letter.
i meant ever word.
i still mean it now
though you think it obsurd.
and i'll never let go
i'll never let go of our memories..
Its true what they say scottie... I dont know what i want... i used to think it was you... but now I have no clue what I want...
This will be my last entry that you will be able to see... its to much work to heal the wounds my words make on others... to much work to keep together what I have. So from now on all entry's in this journal will be private where only I can see them from the sign in on my LJ name. From now on I'll forget you as everything but a friend... from here on You will be my memory... from here on I wont let myself get my heartbroken... from here on I will learn to live on my own and not need someone always with me... from here on I will be Kari... a new kari one that will learn from those mistake's her and her love one's made. I will be better than I am now... or ever was. I'll make everyone proud... I'll do things right for once in my life. I will not let someone control me or my feelings... I will not be just another sad child ready at any time to kill themselve.
I'm stopping smoking!
I'm not going to drink!
I'm never going to touch a drug in my life
I'm never going to be what I was again...
I'm going to change this time no matter what happens in my life... if I dont I will end up killing myself... maybe if I try real hard this time... I'll be happy and I wont feel the pain. Maybe if I'm perfect my dad wont die, maybe if I'm perfect my mom wont hate me, maybe if I'm perfect you may grow to love me again, maybe if I'm perfect I can change peoples lives in a good way... maybe if I'm perfect I'll be good enough for the world. I'm not going back to where I was ever again, not back to where I couldnt sleep with out pills and cutting myself, back to where I had to at least try to kill myself to be happy... back to where I had nothing... back to where I fucked it all up.
i dreamt. that we would make it far.
driving in your car
headed no where fast.
and then, as nowhere drew closer
i thought we needed some kind of closure
to close in on our past.
but you kept driving
and i kept trying
but it's hard to pretened
even though i wasn't lying
so i opened the door and threw myself out of the car.
and it hurt so bad, when i fell so hard
and i layed face first with a broken heart
as i watched your tailights fade into the distance.
we wanted so much of what wasn't there
we tried to hard, we tried so hard just to care.
but it fell right in front of both of our eyes.
and i'm sorry it had to be this way.
god i wish i could relive every day.
in your arms.
in your arms.
but we both know its over.
and you can hate me.
i understand.
but those three words i spoke
were never planned.
i meant every letter.
i meant ever word.
i still mean it now
though you think it obsurd.
and i'll never let go
i'll never let go of our memories..