Clinically Cliched: Carefully Calibrated Catastrophes Cascading Carelessly
I despise sitcoms. I loathe the writing, the humor, and "jokes" used in sitcoms. The permissive sexism towards both genders and the way that depraved and criminal behaviors are glossed over as "wacky and endearing shenanigans" fills me to the brim with loathing. I hate fucking witty repartee between sitcom characters, I hate zany misunderstandings. The shrieking harridan wife, the overbearing mother, the functionally-retarded man-child husband, the stupid and precocious children: I would rather read the most insipid teen romance novels ever composed then watch another sitcom. At least those are funny. Sitcoms are to me as the Anti-Life Equation is to Darkseid.
For a long time the two sitcoms that made me grind my teeth the hardest were the remarkably bilious Everybody Loves Raymond and the eternally unfunny stench upon my nostrils that is Seinfeld. But I have to admit that while my contention with those shows is as mighty as it is long-lived, I may have to strongly consider a contender for Biggest Piece of Situational Excrement To Be Shat Into My Eyes By Television.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Two And A Half Men.
I hate this fucking show, no two words about it. 2.5 Men is representative of some of the most amoral and idiotic depths that sitcoms aspire to. It is the lowest common denominator of situational comedy as a medium, and hatred is the lowest common denominator of descriptive phrases for how it makes me feel that it is popular and on the air.
So you let us say that have a character on a sitcom. Let's call this character "A." This character is obsessed romantically with another character, "B," to the point of psychosis. Character A drugs Character B while Character B is sick with the flu and uses B's drugged, helpless state to cuddle with B. Character C comes up on A half undressed in B's bed while B is lying there barely responsive, and says "Oh, B's sick? Go for it!" Character A frequently spies on Character B, breaks into B's house, has had sex with B at least once while Character B was incapable of giving consent due to intoxication, convinces B that attempting to leave B's bedroom and become active after a protracted illness will lead to a relapse in B's condition that could prove fatal - in order to play out a caregiver fantasy rather than out of any actual concern for B's health. Character A actually padlocks Character B's fucking door so he cannot escape the caregiver fantasy scenario. While Character B is expressing concern that B is being drugged and help prisoner in B's own bedroom, Character C expresses no concern regarding B's claims and insists that he is feverish and delusional. In fact, C actually scolds B repeatedly on B's selfish behavior, claims that B is being paranoid, and should be thankful to A for providing care. Sounds less and less like a situational comedy and more and more like the actions of a depraved serial killer or kidnapper in a drama series, right? A lot less like a sitcom and more like a fucking episode of Law & Order: Pedos, Rapists and Cops Who Ought To Be Sacked!
Now, let's say that Character A is played by drunken letch Charlie Sheen and Character B is played by cutesy girl next door Melanie Lynskey.
How long before this sitcom is booed off the air?
Surprise! The MaSheen was actually the one being held against his will and Allegedly Cute Sociopath Rose is the captor playing out a sick fantasy in our deranged sitcom.
Oh, and what does Rose get at the end for deliberately exposing Charlie to illness, drugging him, confining him against his will, and plotting to do so again in the future?
THEY. FUCKING. SCOLD. HER. LIKE. A. NAUGHTY. PUPPY.
This is not a terrier who shit on your rug, this is a fucking dangerous person who may very well kill you, you fucking imbecile!
But let's back up to the part where Rose has deliberately given the flu to Charlie. How was this suburban biological warfare waged?
Charlie is a womanizing prick who will jump the bones of anything that succumbs to the combined lure of his Probable Good Lucks, definite wealth and oily charm, the kind of charm that leaves a viscous trail anywhere it touches. He's despicable, basically like every other character on 2.5 Men.
Essentially Rose convinces her bog-throat'd friend who apparently breeds disease in her esophagus for use as a weapon (I shit you not, by the end of the episode she also has mono) to hit on Charlie so that he will jam his tongue right into her festering tonsillar crypts. She banks on the retard logic of sitcom reality that this will definitely give him whatever hellish breed of West Nile is lurking like an undead horde in said crypts, and when it does, she is ready to swoop in and offer aid. Charlie is so fucking idiotic that his own treatment for his illness consists of begging for help (including of his amazingly loathsome mother, whom an Asian Manicurist refers to as something along the lines of "cleft-hoofed white she-devil" in her native tongue) and then medicating with a concoction he calls "Drunken Hulk": green liquid nighttime cold medication mixed with scotch. Rather than allow him to likely kill himself this way, Rose instead offers a pill from Europe which will cure his illness.
Charlie, like a dolt, accepts medication from his Insanely Creepy Neighbor.
Naturally the pills turn out to be tranquilizers or some other form of pharmaceutical which keephim placid and pliant to suggestion so Rose can exercise her intense fixation on being the Woman In Charlie's Life.
And when Charlie goes to his limp-spine'd simpering jerkass brother for help, what does Alan do? He suggests that all of this happened because of his brother's promiscuous behavior. He would never have gotten sick and allowed Rose to take advantage of his vulnerable state if he wasn't a womanizing shithead to begin with.
Wait a second. Let's go back to imagining the roles reversed for a moment...
Woman: I've been held captive for weeks in my own house by a deranged man who thinks he's romantically involved with me! I - I think he got me sick so he could have an excuse to drug me!
Woman's Brother: This is your fault. If you weren't such a slut, you would never be put in this situation. You deserve this.
WHAT?
Forget You Ever Saw Me,
WHAT?!
For a long time the two sitcoms that made me grind my teeth the hardest were the remarkably bilious Everybody Loves Raymond and the eternally unfunny stench upon my nostrils that is Seinfeld. But I have to admit that while my contention with those shows is as mighty as it is long-lived, I may have to strongly consider a contender for Biggest Piece of Situational Excrement To Be Shat Into My Eyes By Television.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Two And A Half Men.
I hate this fucking show, no two words about it. 2.5 Men is representative of some of the most amoral and idiotic depths that sitcoms aspire to. It is the lowest common denominator of situational comedy as a medium, and hatred is the lowest common denominator of descriptive phrases for how it makes me feel that it is popular and on the air.
So you let us say that have a character on a sitcom. Let's call this character "A." This character is obsessed romantically with another character, "B," to the point of psychosis. Character A drugs Character B while Character B is sick with the flu and uses B's drugged, helpless state to cuddle with B. Character C comes up on A half undressed in B's bed while B is lying there barely responsive, and says "Oh, B's sick? Go for it!" Character A frequently spies on Character B, breaks into B's house, has had sex with B at least once while Character B was incapable of giving consent due to intoxication, convinces B that attempting to leave B's bedroom and become active after a protracted illness will lead to a relapse in B's condition that could prove fatal - in order to play out a caregiver fantasy rather than out of any actual concern for B's health. Character A actually padlocks Character B's fucking door so he cannot escape the caregiver fantasy scenario. While Character B is expressing concern that B is being drugged and help prisoner in B's own bedroom, Character C expresses no concern regarding B's claims and insists that he is feverish and delusional. In fact, C actually scolds B repeatedly on B's selfish behavior, claims that B is being paranoid, and should be thankful to A for providing care. Sounds less and less like a situational comedy and more and more like the actions of a depraved serial killer or kidnapper in a drama series, right? A lot less like a sitcom and more like a fucking episode of Law & Order: Pedos, Rapists and Cops Who Ought To Be Sacked!
Now, let's say that Character A is played by drunken letch Charlie Sheen and Character B is played by cutesy girl next door Melanie Lynskey.
How long before this sitcom is booed off the air?
Surprise! The MaSheen was actually the one being held against his will and Allegedly Cute Sociopath Rose is the captor playing out a sick fantasy in our deranged sitcom.
Oh, and what does Rose get at the end for deliberately exposing Charlie to illness, drugging him, confining him against his will, and plotting to do so again in the future?
THEY. FUCKING. SCOLD. HER. LIKE. A. NAUGHTY. PUPPY.
This is not a terrier who shit on your rug, this is a fucking dangerous person who may very well kill you, you fucking imbecile!
But let's back up to the part where Rose has deliberately given the flu to Charlie. How was this suburban biological warfare waged?
Charlie is a womanizing prick who will jump the bones of anything that succumbs to the combined lure of his Probable Good Lucks, definite wealth and oily charm, the kind of charm that leaves a viscous trail anywhere it touches. He's despicable, basically like every other character on 2.5 Men.
Essentially Rose convinces her bog-throat'd friend who apparently breeds disease in her esophagus for use as a weapon (I shit you not, by the end of the episode she also has mono) to hit on Charlie so that he will jam his tongue right into her festering tonsillar crypts. She banks on the retard logic of sitcom reality that this will definitely give him whatever hellish breed of West Nile is lurking like an undead horde in said crypts, and when it does, she is ready to swoop in and offer aid. Charlie is so fucking idiotic that his own treatment for his illness consists of begging for help (including of his amazingly loathsome mother, whom an Asian Manicurist refers to as something along the lines of "cleft-hoofed white she-devil" in her native tongue) and then medicating with a concoction he calls "Drunken Hulk": green liquid nighttime cold medication mixed with scotch. Rather than allow him to likely kill himself this way, Rose instead offers a pill from Europe which will cure his illness.
Charlie, like a dolt, accepts medication from his Insanely Creepy Neighbor.
Naturally the pills turn out to be tranquilizers or some other form of pharmaceutical which keephim placid and pliant to suggestion so Rose can exercise her intense fixation on being the Woman In Charlie's Life.
And when Charlie goes to his limp-spine'd simpering jerkass brother for help, what does Alan do? He suggests that all of this happened because of his brother's promiscuous behavior. He would never have gotten sick and allowed Rose to take advantage of his vulnerable state if he wasn't a womanizing shithead to begin with.
Wait a second. Let's go back to imagining the roles reversed for a moment...
Woman: I've been held captive for weeks in my own house by a deranged man who thinks he's romantically involved with me! I - I think he got me sick so he could have an excuse to drug me!
Woman's Brother: This is your fault. If you weren't such a slut, you would never be put in this situation. You deserve this.
WHAT?
Forget You Ever Saw Me,
WHAT?!