Creatively Caustically Crushing Cosplay Cretins
Come one! Come all! (And like a geyser!) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Step right up! Behind this curtain lies a ghastly concoction of delight! Horror! Fantasy and terror! (Mostly horror and terror, honestly.) Your every nightmare is our command, your every whimpered secret fear brought to life! But I'm warning you... there's always a price*...
GOD DAMN IT.
So hi kids, it's been a long time since you were under the Littlest Most Depressing Big Top in order to see the capering cockblisters of the internet displayed in all their loathsome glory. Lucky fucking you. However, since I have been badgered repeatedly about hosting another Fucking Cosplay Fucking Circus I've decided that the time has come for me to throw my life away for tremendous justice.
For those of you who don't remember how this works, basically I'm going to display an image of a person pretending to be an anime, comic, or video game character and then rate their relative Awfulness or Awesomeness as represented by a series of currency symbols (they look like this: ¤) from 1 (rare) to 10 (or more). Because I fucking hate looking at terrible cosplayers, I've opted to include a small selection of non-incompetent costumes (some of which happen to be hot chicks by some strange coincidence) to give my brain a break from the unrelenting horror. Isn't that nice? Shut the fuck up.
I've been told there's someone in the background of this picture who looks like me. He looks pissed at least.
Character: Lina Inverse & a creepy pickle monster Zelgadis Greywords, Slayers series
Awfulness:¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: Oh good, we started this fucker off on a high note. *bashes head against the wall* We'll start with Lina; she's the girl on the right, not the green thing. Don't look at the green thing for now. So basically Lina Inverse is a diminutive hyper-destructive mercenary sorceress with the sort of womanly figure only a ten year old boy can aspire to with some very unusual hand/foot/body and leg/torso proportions. Our cosplayer here has the costume more or less right, and since cosplayers who actually physically resemble the characters they are masquerading as happen to be painfully rare (very painfully, but we'll get to that in a minute) we can, I guess, excuse that part. For now. Anyway, this is probably the sort of physique that you would have if you exercised a lot but still ate the way Lina Inverse does. Interestingly, she either has huge hands or she's using comically large gloves to mimic Lina's odd proportions. I kinda like that.
Now. Let's move on to the green thing, as soon as I unclench my right hand from the Murder Fist. Nnnnnngh fuck. YEAH THAT'S THE SHIT. Goddamn, what a wonderful feeling. I fucking feel alive.
I thought this might help. You're welcome.
So, let's try that again. Apparently my hatred of cosplayers was so bad it made Firefox crash and eat part of my entry.
1. Well, isn't this nice. You have a cape, you have a gray costume, you have a sword... WHY IS YOUR HAND NOT THE SAME COLOR AS THE REST OF YOU? You leaking sack of tumorous orangutan testicles, why would you deliberately do what you did to your head and then not do the same to your hand? You lazy asshole! LAZY ASSHOLE.
2. *incoherent sounds of agony* Okay, okay... deep breath... deep breath... I'm good. I'm good. Goddammit. Okay. It's a good burn. It's a good burn. No it's not, no it's not, oh Lord why have you forsaken me... Okay... Okay... I'm back.
For those of you unfamiliar with the character (or with a recent invention called Google which would allow you to go look for yourself) Zelgadis is part-golem, which has given him a glistening, sword-proof hide of magically animate diamond-hard stone and glittering, metallic hair that is either blue (in the manga) or light purple (in the anime). His skin is sort of a light greenish-blue (more blue than green, I think) color with darker green "nodes" of rock here and there. It would require some talent with makeup to pull it off. Instead, what we have here is a son of a bitch who opted to paint his face Incredible Pickle Hulk green, only the fucking choad didn't check his coverage so his paint came out blotchy. On top of this he is wearing a hideous dark blue wig that looks like a transvestite space squid is eating his head. Just looking at him causes the muscles from the base of my tailbone to the back of my neck to seize, giving me a sensation not entirely unlike losing a fight in Fist of the North Star. So much hatred flows through me that my chi has turned completely black. I walk the Path of the Murder Fist now. I think I'm going to go buy some balloons full of heroin and then eat them. All of them. Whole. WHY WOULD YOU JUST PAINT YOUR FACE LIKE THAT? GRAGH.
3. There are two possible explanations for why his eyes are glittering like that. One is that he is wearing glasses, which is one of those things that lazy douchebag cosplayers do that makes me really angry. I mean honestly, if you're not playing a character who has poor vision, take your goddamn specs off. And if that's gonna be a problem for you, then I guess you should consider not cosplaying, which is really a good idea anyway.
The second possible explanation would explain why he painted his head like that: he's a creepy ass fucking space alien. I'm gonna be real here: I don't believe that cosplayers are human to begin with, and I think that this photograph just happened to catch the reptilian glitter of his soulless alien eyes.
Hide your children, parents.
Character: Xellos the Priest and Gourry Gabriev, Slayers series
Awfulness: ¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: It may shock you to know it but this pair of cosplay douchebags actually know the Pickle Monster and Pudgy Lina. They all work together. In a library. Where there are apparently no mirrors. Fucking nerds.
I assume the person playing Xellos (the one with the purple wig) is a girl which means we have a crossplayer too. Nice! Well, she tried pretty hard, and it's not the worse thing I've ever seen. It's no green face paint that's for sure. I mean, I could sit here and nitpick but there's a lot of goddamn pictures left to wade through so there's no reason to hang around with this one for too long.
Now as for Gourry... What we have here is a classic example of a guy who WANTS to accurately represent a character... and sucks at it. Between his cheesy cardboard armor to his stupid fat face and his stubble to his infuriatingly inferior wig to the fact that I think he's wearing blue jeans with his costume, nothing about this guy screams anything truly heart-rendingly horrid but instead a depressing morass of mediocrity. Except for this face. I really want to punch him for some reason.
Y'all gonna make me lose my mind.
Character: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun (goddammit why do I know that) and Jillas Jillos Jillas, the Slayers series.
Awfulness:¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: I don't even care about Amelia. I really don't. And I'm not just talking about in the anime/manga series she hails from, I also mean in this picture. I'm not going to fuck around here. We know where the ten ¤s came from.
If you don't know who Jillas is, you can suss it out that he's not the girl since there's no way I'd ignore that red buffoon in favor of mocking his half-pint accomplice.
This is what Jillas is supposed to look like. He's cute, isn't he? He's a little happy-go-lucky homicidal fox monster guy with an eyepatch and bombs. He's also somewhat obscure as Slayers characters go. Just keep this image in mind for a second.
Son of a BITCH.
First, you decided to cosplay a creature that isn't even remotely human-looking. Then, since none of your friends liked you enough to try and stop you, your next move was to purchase one of those Halloween costume dog nose things. You put it on. Then you painted your face red. Have I covered how I feel about people painting themselves yet, you lazy blister-dicked son of a water-retaining syphillic seacow? Then you put... something on your head, I don't even know what the fuck it is. Is it supposed to be your ears? I hope you know that there WILL be a reckoning for this. Someday, somehow, someone is going to find you a dark alley and recognize you without the fucking awful makeup and I hope that person makes you pay. I hope it's me.
You are the itchy, burning urethral discharge of a demon god of bad cosplaying. Karmically you are somewhere between a guy who compares forum moderators to Hitler and people who like Uwe Boll movies.
OH HO HO HO HO HO.
Character: Naga the White Serpent, Slayers series
Awesomeness:¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Joy: So this is a woman cosplaying as one of my absolute favorite anime/manga characters of all time, Naga. Lina's mildly-deluded faux-rival, Naga's laugh can evacuate entire village and kill healthy young horses at sixty paces (and she hates people with normal laughs for some reason). Sure, this is another example of a cosplayer whose figure doesn't exactly match the characters but since Naga hasn't been able to jump up and down without giving herself two black eyes since puberty, that's not a huge deal. Especially considering that she managed to produce a screen accurate costume (I am aware that it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to produce a vinyl bikini) although I am still trying to figure out what the thin black line between her breasts is. (No, I'm not staring, I've just got a quick eye for detail.) Regardless, even her sword is right, and she included an often-excluded detail, Naga's handy loot-bag. So there you go, enjoy that for a couple seconds. I don't care if she's airbrushed. She's even striking Naga's Confident-Of-Victory-About-To-Start-Laughing pose while smirking. UPDATE: Apparently the Mysterious Black Line is a string to keep her collar and top in line with each other or something like that (look at the comments). I even learned something other than hatred and despair from this entry. Awesome. UPDATE 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: According to a phone call I received either from outer space or while half-asleep, the line denotes a fake boob intended to make her figure more like Naga's. Still don't care, is rad.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
Character: Ruri Hoshino from Martian Successor Nadesico.
Awfulness: ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: "HAPPY EASTER MOTHERFUCKER! NOW GIVE ME YOUR SOUL! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH FUCK FUCK GET IT AWAY FROM ME FUCK!
Seriously, these "doller" people scare the fucking bejeezus out of me. They're like a mixture of people in goddamn mascot costumes and something profoundly evil and soulless. They are the Boobah of cosplay. *shudder* Next! Next! Get that thing back in the sideshow!
I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman.
Character: Are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the fuck do you think he's supposed to be?
Awfulness: ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: More like the brain-boiling fury. I hate lazy cosplayers. Hate hate hate hate. And this may be the laziest motherfucker since that goddamn Tonberry guy who just painted his face green and wore a brown smock over his normal clothes.
What is he doing wrong? What did he do right? He's wearing a purchased Batman costuming mask over a black balaclava instead of a cowl(check out the head straps, duhurr) with a probably home-made cape, black leather gauntlets and then... a black BATMAN T-SHIRT? ARE THOSE BLACK JEANS YOU MOTHERFUCKING CLOWNSKULL HORSECOCKJOCKEY? You're wearing a wallet chain! You're wearing a wallet chain! With your black jeans and your Batman t-shirt! Your saggy, wrinkled, ill-fitted, faded black Batman t-shirt! I LOOK MORE LIKE BATMAN THAN YOU DO! ARUGH! YOUR MASK DOESN'T EVEN FIT, BITCH! DID YOU USE YOUR BAT CREDIT CARD TO PAY FOR YOUR STUPID NON-FITTING BRIGHT YELLOW UTILITY BELT AND YOUR BLACK JEANS YOU SKINNY GOOSENECK BROKEDICK BONEHEADED COSPLAYING SHITSTAIN? AUGH! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Men are ambitious of credit, and wish to gain repute in the world...
Character: Iron Man of "Invincible Iron Man" fame. This appears to be the 2008 movie version.
Awfulness: ¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: What we have here is a guy who appears to have had someone else fabricate his costume for him. How can I tell? Because someone capable of making an intricate Iron Man armor suit out of non-PVC and non-metallic resources would also be capable of compensating for his physical bulk.
BY WHICH I MEAN THE SLOPPY BEER GUT THIS CAT IS ROCKING.
Seriously, if you look at his waist, his spare tire is actually putting stress marks on the costume as it bends it out of shape. It's a mostly competently made costume (the fabricator didn't have the money or know-how to rig LEDs to light up the unibeam chest unit or eyes [since the movie version has very distinctive and somewhat ominous glowing eyes] but they did make the wearer's eyes otherwise invisible) and the fact that Iron Porkloin here can't lay off the fucking Zagnuts long enough to attend a con or two is just depressing. He's actually damaging an impressive costume just by squeezing his rotund ass into it. At least wear a girdle or something, lunchbox, you chunky bitch. And he looks like a fucking fool on top of that.
I don't trust Firefox at the moment. I'll come back in a bit to expand the entry further.
*with apologies to Creature Feature
Forget You Ever Saw Me,
madness murder disarray
GOD DAMN IT.
So hi kids, it's been a long time since you were under the Littlest Most Depressing Big Top in order to see the capering cockblisters of the internet displayed in all their loathsome glory. Lucky fucking you. However, since I have been badgered repeatedly about hosting another Fucking Cosplay Fucking Circus I've decided that the time has come for me to throw my life away for tremendous justice.
For those of you who don't remember how this works, basically I'm going to display an image of a person pretending to be an anime, comic, or video game character and then rate their relative Awfulness or Awesomeness as represented by a series of currency symbols (they look like this: ¤) from 1 (rare) to 10 (or more). Because I fucking hate looking at terrible cosplayers, I've opted to include a small selection of non-incompetent costumes (some of which happen to be hot chicks by some strange coincidence) to give my brain a break from the unrelenting horror. Isn't that nice? Shut the fuck up.
I've been told there's someone in the background of this picture who looks like me. He looks pissed at least.
Character: Lina Inverse & a creepy pickle monster Zelgadis Greywords, Slayers series
Awfulness:¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: Oh good, we started this fucker off on a high note. *bashes head against the wall* We'll start with Lina; she's the girl on the right, not the green thing. Don't look at the green thing for now. So basically Lina Inverse is a diminutive hyper-destructive mercenary sorceress with the sort of womanly figure only a ten year old boy can aspire to with some very unusual hand/foot/body and leg/torso proportions. Our cosplayer here has the costume more or less right, and since cosplayers who actually physically resemble the characters they are masquerading as happen to be painfully rare (very painfully, but we'll get to that in a minute) we can, I guess, excuse that part. For now. Anyway, this is probably the sort of physique that you would have if you exercised a lot but still ate the way Lina Inverse does. Interestingly, she either has huge hands or she's using comically large gloves to mimic Lina's odd proportions. I kinda like that.
Now. Let's move on to the green thing, as soon as I unclench my right hand from the Murder Fist. Nnnnnngh fuck. YEAH THAT'S THE SHIT. Goddamn, what a wonderful feeling. I fucking feel alive.
I thought this might help. You're welcome.
So, let's try that again. Apparently my hatred of cosplayers was so bad it made Firefox crash and eat part of my entry.
1. Well, isn't this nice. You have a cape, you have a gray costume, you have a sword... WHY IS YOUR HAND NOT THE SAME COLOR AS THE REST OF YOU? You leaking sack of tumorous orangutan testicles, why would you deliberately do what you did to your head and then not do the same to your hand? You lazy asshole! LAZY ASSHOLE.
2. *incoherent sounds of agony* Okay, okay... deep breath... deep breath... I'm good. I'm good. Goddammit. Okay. It's a good burn. It's a good burn. No it's not, no it's not, oh Lord why have you forsaken me... Okay... Okay... I'm back.
For those of you unfamiliar with the character (or with a recent invention called Google which would allow you to go look for yourself) Zelgadis is part-golem, which has given him a glistening, sword-proof hide of magically animate diamond-hard stone and glittering, metallic hair that is either blue (in the manga) or light purple (in the anime). His skin is sort of a light greenish-blue (more blue than green, I think) color with darker green "nodes" of rock here and there. It would require some talent with makeup to pull it off. Instead, what we have here is a son of a bitch who opted to paint his face Incredible Pickle Hulk green, only the fucking choad didn't check his coverage so his paint came out blotchy. On top of this he is wearing a hideous dark blue wig that looks like a transvestite space squid is eating his head. Just looking at him causes the muscles from the base of my tailbone to the back of my neck to seize, giving me a sensation not entirely unlike losing a fight in Fist of the North Star. So much hatred flows through me that my chi has turned completely black. I walk the Path of the Murder Fist now. I think I'm going to go buy some balloons full of heroin and then eat them. All of them. Whole. WHY WOULD YOU JUST PAINT YOUR FACE LIKE THAT? GRAGH.
3. There are two possible explanations for why his eyes are glittering like that. One is that he is wearing glasses, which is one of those things that lazy douchebag cosplayers do that makes me really angry. I mean honestly, if you're not playing a character who has poor vision, take your goddamn specs off. And if that's gonna be a problem for you, then I guess you should consider not cosplaying, which is really a good idea anyway.
The second possible explanation would explain why he painted his head like that: he's a creepy ass fucking space alien. I'm gonna be real here: I don't believe that cosplayers are human to begin with, and I think that this photograph just happened to catch the reptilian glitter of his soulless alien eyes.
Hide your children, parents.
Character: Xellos the Priest and Gourry Gabriev, Slayers series
Awfulness: ¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: It may shock you to know it but this pair of cosplay douchebags actually know the Pickle Monster and Pudgy Lina. They all work together. In a library. Where there are apparently no mirrors. Fucking nerds.
I assume the person playing Xellos (the one with the purple wig) is a girl which means we have a crossplayer too. Nice! Well, she tried pretty hard, and it's not the worse thing I've ever seen. It's no green face paint that's for sure. I mean, I could sit here and nitpick but there's a lot of goddamn pictures left to wade through so there's no reason to hang around with this one for too long.
Now as for Gourry... What we have here is a classic example of a guy who WANTS to accurately represent a character... and sucks at it. Between his cheesy cardboard armor to his stupid fat face and his stubble to his infuriatingly inferior wig to the fact that I think he's wearing blue jeans with his costume, nothing about this guy screams anything truly heart-rendingly horrid but instead a depressing morass of mediocrity. Except for this face. I really want to punch him for some reason.
Y'all gonna make me lose my mind.
Character: Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun (goddammit why do I know that) and Jillas Jillos Jillas, the Slayers series.
Awfulness:¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: I don't even care about Amelia. I really don't. And I'm not just talking about in the anime/manga series she hails from, I also mean in this picture. I'm not going to fuck around here. We know where the ten ¤s came from.
If you don't know who Jillas is, you can suss it out that he's not the girl since there's no way I'd ignore that red buffoon in favor of mocking his half-pint accomplice.
This is what Jillas is supposed to look like. He's cute, isn't he? He's a little happy-go-lucky homicidal fox monster guy with an eyepatch and bombs. He's also somewhat obscure as Slayers characters go. Just keep this image in mind for a second.
Son of a BITCH.
First, you decided to cosplay a creature that isn't even remotely human-looking. Then, since none of your friends liked you enough to try and stop you, your next move was to purchase one of those Halloween costume dog nose things. You put it on. Then you painted your face red. Have I covered how I feel about people painting themselves yet, you lazy blister-dicked son of a water-retaining syphillic seacow? Then you put... something on your head, I don't even know what the fuck it is. Is it supposed to be your ears? I hope you know that there WILL be a reckoning for this. Someday, somehow, someone is going to find you a dark alley and recognize you without the fucking awful makeup and I hope that person makes you pay. I hope it's me.
You are the itchy, burning urethral discharge of a demon god of bad cosplaying. Karmically you are somewhere between a guy who compares forum moderators to Hitler and people who like Uwe Boll movies.
OH HO HO HO HO HO.
Character: Naga the White Serpent, Slayers series
Awesomeness:¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Joy: So this is a woman cosplaying as one of my absolute favorite anime/manga characters of all time, Naga. Lina's mildly-deluded faux-rival, Naga's laugh can evacuate entire village and kill healthy young horses at sixty paces (and she hates people with normal laughs for some reason). Sure, this is another example of a cosplayer whose figure doesn't exactly match the characters but since Naga hasn't been able to jump up and down without giving herself two black eyes since puberty, that's not a huge deal. Especially considering that she managed to produce a screen accurate costume (I am aware that it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to produce a vinyl bikini) although I am still trying to figure out what the thin black line between her breasts is. (No, I'm not staring, I've just got a quick eye for detail.) Regardless, even her sword is right, and she included an often-excluded detail, Naga's handy loot-bag. So there you go, enjoy that for a couple seconds. I don't care if she's airbrushed. She's even striking Naga's Confident-Of-Victory-About-To-Start-Laughing pose while smirking. UPDATE: Apparently the Mysterious Black Line is a string to keep her collar and top in line with each other or something like that (look at the comments). I even learned something other than hatred and despair from this entry. Awesome. UPDATE 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: According to a phone call I received either from outer space or while half-asleep, the line denotes a fake boob intended to make her figure more like Naga's. Still don't care, is rad.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
Character: Ruri Hoshino from Martian Successor Nadesico.
Awfulness: ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: "HAPPY EASTER MOTHERFUCKER! NOW GIVE ME YOUR SOUL! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH FUCK FUCK GET IT AWAY FROM ME FUCK!
Seriously, these "doller" people scare the fucking bejeezus out of me. They're like a mixture of people in goddamn mascot costumes and something profoundly evil and soulless. They are the Boobah of cosplay. *shudder* Next! Next! Get that thing back in the sideshow!
I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman.
Character: Are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the fuck do you think he's supposed to be?
Awfulness: ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: More like the brain-boiling fury. I hate lazy cosplayers. Hate hate hate hate. And this may be the laziest motherfucker since that goddamn Tonberry guy who just painted his face green and wore a brown smock over his normal clothes.
What is he doing wrong? What did he do right? He's wearing a purchased Batman costuming mask over a black balaclava instead of a cowl(check out the head straps, duhurr) with a probably home-made cape, black leather gauntlets and then... a black BATMAN T-SHIRT? ARE THOSE BLACK JEANS YOU MOTHERFUCKING CLOWNSKULL HORSECOCKJOCKEY? You're wearing a wallet chain! You're wearing a wallet chain! With your black jeans and your Batman t-shirt! Your saggy, wrinkled, ill-fitted, faded black Batman t-shirt! I LOOK MORE LIKE BATMAN THAN YOU DO! ARUGH! YOUR MASK DOESN'T EVEN FIT, BITCH! DID YOU USE YOUR BAT CREDIT CARD TO PAY FOR YOUR STUPID NON-FITTING BRIGHT YELLOW UTILITY BELT AND YOUR BLACK JEANS YOU SKINNY GOOSENECK BROKEDICK BONEHEADED COSPLAYING SHITSTAIN? AUGH! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Men are ambitious of credit, and wish to gain repute in the world...
Character: Iron Man of "Invincible Iron Man" fame. This appears to be the 2008 movie version.
Awfulness: ¤¤¤¤¤
The Horror: What we have here is a guy who appears to have had someone else fabricate his costume for him. How can I tell? Because someone capable of making an intricate Iron Man armor suit out of non-PVC and non-metallic resources would also be capable of compensating for his physical bulk.
BY WHICH I MEAN THE SLOPPY BEER GUT THIS CAT IS ROCKING.
Seriously, if you look at his waist, his spare tire is actually putting stress marks on the costume as it bends it out of shape. It's a mostly competently made costume (the fabricator didn't have the money or know-how to rig LEDs to light up the unibeam chest unit or eyes [since the movie version has very distinctive and somewhat ominous glowing eyes] but they did make the wearer's eyes otherwise invisible) and the fact that Iron Porkloin here can't lay off the fucking Zagnuts long enough to attend a con or two is just depressing. He's actually damaging an impressive costume just by squeezing his rotund ass into it. At least wear a girdle or something, lunchbox, you chunky bitch. And he looks like a fucking fool on top of that.
I don't trust Firefox at the moment. I'll come back in a bit to expand the entry further.
*with apologies to Creature Feature
Forget You Ever Saw Me,
madness murder disarray