The 2017 East Coast GBTQ Men's RC Workshop (Final Chapter)
It's a strange thing about co-counseling relationships. They're really built on snippets of time spent together, usually on the verge of tears or trying very hard to get at some very angry feelings. We don't get to go off into the sunset with each other. We meet then break camp and then meet again maybe months, maybe years later. Aaron and I scarcely spoke a word for the rest of the workshop. And yet, I spent the rest of Saturday afternoon floating on air.
In the meantime, there was a workshop to attend.
Saturday, David had warned us, would be the class devoted to Pornography. Like it or not, it seems to occupy a position close to the fulcrum of our Early Sexual Memories (ESM). There is so much of it available 24 hours a day that you can pretty much draw a blueprint of someone's sexual fantasies just by looking at their internet search history. In fact, David asked for a rough show of hands and about 90% of the attendees revealed they had a GRINDR account on their smartphones.
There were a couple of demos. I don't know how they were chosen. One person just happened to be sitting in front of the room next to David when we walked in from the break. Judging from his reaction, it was far from clear that he knew what he had volunteered for. But, after a moment of good-natured laughter and embarrassment they soldiered on and began describing their favorite porn with as much specificity as they dared. David gave them permission to substitute the word, "blank" whenever they got to a word or phrase that was so triggering that it threatened to shut them down instead of allowing them to discharge.
One thing I learned was where the sex scene involved two or more people, it made sense to ask the client who they identified with the most.
Client #1 giggled and blushed the entire time and made ample use of the word, "Blank."
Client #2's session went a little bit differently. He was completely mortified. His embarrassment lurched almost immediately into shame and David had to be much more gentle in what he said and how he said it. Like Darryl, the day before, this client spent his entire time on the verge of tears, which for a guy, is almost like crying itself.
Later, David pointed out that in each instance the ultimate goal was to get the client to work on their ESM and, that very often pornography can act as a road map or "a link in the chain" that leads to some of those early memories.
I'm pretty sure we all did mini-sessions on the topic, but, for whatever reason, I have no memory of my own session. I can't remember who I had it with or what I chose as my "favorite" porn scene. The session was probably with two other co-counselors because it is recommended that ESM work be done in three-ways - I think in case being alone with another person is triggering.
Oh, now I remember...David had us take out our cell phones and flip through the files we store there. The betting was that there were bound to be one or two porn sites on them. Well, he was half right, as far as I'm concerned. I don't have a smartphone. Thus, I was spared the embarrassment of flipping through mine. All my porn is on my Kindle which I don't often carry with me to workshops. Suffice it to say that almost all my porn reflects the last six years of my life, spent on New York City's #7 train to and from Flushing, Queens: video after video of solitary Asian YAs exposing themselves to an amazing array of electronic devices. Judging from the sheer volume of material available, I am definitely not the only person on the planet triggered by loneliness in a crowd. Asians have it worse than anybody.
I went to bed early knowing full well that Sunday morning is reserved for Counseling The Leader, a uniquely RC approach to leadership that is part demo, part self-assessment and part housekeeping before we go forth into the world.
David's session went well. Steve Roemer was his primary counselor. They've known each other for over thirty years. Without going into details, I think a large part of why it went so well was the fact that David was having a wonderful workshop. I could feel the fun that he was having, starting with the People of the Global Majority prequel. He as much as said, later on at the Closing Circle, that this had been the "best" of these last thirty-odd annual meetings.
David's last class before lunch included a word or two about women, about how we - as a group - still have trouble imagining them as allies. It was a good thing to keep in mind; a tiny kick in the pants before shoving off.
In the meantime, there was a workshop to attend.
Saturday, David had warned us, would be the class devoted to Pornography. Like it or not, it seems to occupy a position close to the fulcrum of our Early Sexual Memories (ESM). There is so much of it available 24 hours a day that you can pretty much draw a blueprint of someone's sexual fantasies just by looking at their internet search history. In fact, David asked for a rough show of hands and about 90% of the attendees revealed they had a GRINDR account on their smartphones.
There were a couple of demos. I don't know how they were chosen. One person just happened to be sitting in front of the room next to David when we walked in from the break. Judging from his reaction, it was far from clear that he knew what he had volunteered for. But, after a moment of good-natured laughter and embarrassment they soldiered on and began describing their favorite porn with as much specificity as they dared. David gave them permission to substitute the word, "blank" whenever they got to a word or phrase that was so triggering that it threatened to shut them down instead of allowing them to discharge.
One thing I learned was where the sex scene involved two or more people, it made sense to ask the client who they identified with the most.
Client #1 giggled and blushed the entire time and made ample use of the word, "Blank."
Client #2's session went a little bit differently. He was completely mortified. His embarrassment lurched almost immediately into shame and David had to be much more gentle in what he said and how he said it. Like Darryl, the day before, this client spent his entire time on the verge of tears, which for a guy, is almost like crying itself.
Later, David pointed out that in each instance the ultimate goal was to get the client to work on their ESM and, that very often pornography can act as a road map or "a link in the chain" that leads to some of those early memories.
I'm pretty sure we all did mini-sessions on the topic, but, for whatever reason, I have no memory of my own session. I can't remember who I had it with or what I chose as my "favorite" porn scene. The session was probably with two other co-counselors because it is recommended that ESM work be done in three-ways - I think in case being alone with another person is triggering.
Oh, now I remember...David had us take out our cell phones and flip through the files we store there. The betting was that there were bound to be one or two porn sites on them. Well, he was half right, as far as I'm concerned. I don't have a smartphone. Thus, I was spared the embarrassment of flipping through mine. All my porn is on my Kindle which I don't often carry with me to workshops. Suffice it to say that almost all my porn reflects the last six years of my life, spent on New York City's #7 train to and from Flushing, Queens: video after video of solitary Asian YAs exposing themselves to an amazing array of electronic devices. Judging from the sheer volume of material available, I am definitely not the only person on the planet triggered by loneliness in a crowd. Asians have it worse than anybody.
I went to bed early knowing full well that Sunday morning is reserved for Counseling The Leader, a uniquely RC approach to leadership that is part demo, part self-assessment and part housekeeping before we go forth into the world.
David's session went well. Steve Roemer was his primary counselor. They've known each other for over thirty years. Without going into details, I think a large part of why it went so well was the fact that David was having a wonderful workshop. I could feel the fun that he was having, starting with the People of the Global Majority prequel. He as much as said, later on at the Closing Circle, that this had been the "best" of these last thirty-odd annual meetings.
David's last class before lunch included a word or two about women, about how we - as a group - still have trouble imagining them as allies. It was a good thing to keep in mind; a tiny kick in the pants before shoving off.