The eve and it's not ol hallows im talking about.
Like i said before (i think) January is my time and october is Jodie's time. Saturday is going to be the 1st anniversary of her grandfather's death and to be honest i don't know how she's going to cope. I know how much he meant and i know this is going to be the TOUGHEST test of her resolve. She's alot like me. Self mutilation, drugs and alcohol were her world as they were mine. Now there's this. She has made so much progress but nightmares still haunt her and like me she is week. I HAVE to work on saturday, the day he died. If i don't then i lose my job, that's the situation im in and if i lose that then i have to go home and i lose Jodie untill if and when someone decides hiring mr unreliable is worth it. Potentially lose Jodie or lose it all? I hate this, there's every chance that i'll beat her and slide of the rails myself in a blind panic. I love her so much and yet im trapped here. What the hell am i supposed to do? The one possitive is that i can spend a small part of the day with her BUT then there's the fact that i might not be home untill after 11.
Now there's the fact that she's got a cold and a bad one at that. I thought it was getting better but today while i was at work and she was at uni she fainted and fell down some pretty hard stairs. She seems ok but i've never been so fucking worried in my life. There's too much knowledge in my head and knowing that her rare blood condition makes her highly susceptible to tumors has just opened up a door to all these thoughts. What if it IS a tumor? My mind has always been my worst enemy, now i have this jammed in there with everything from my past. I love her, i mean how could i not love her? Im gunna propose to her on new years. I can't lose another one, Hazel was too much. If i lose Jodie then there's every chance that i'll just give up. End it. What's the point in living when love keeps dying?
See that's what i mean. I just wrote that, that's where my mind goes, straight to the worst possible scenario. All i know, if she goes, i go.
Now there's the fact that she's got a cold and a bad one at that. I thought it was getting better but today while i was at work and she was at uni she fainted and fell down some pretty hard stairs. She seems ok but i've never been so fucking worried in my life. There's too much knowledge in my head and knowing that her rare blood condition makes her highly susceptible to tumors has just opened up a door to all these thoughts. What if it IS a tumor? My mind has always been my worst enemy, now i have this jammed in there with everything from my past. I love her, i mean how could i not love her? Im gunna propose to her on new years. I can't lose another one, Hazel was too much. If i lose Jodie then there's every chance that i'll just give up. End it. What's the point in living when love keeps dying?
See that's what i mean. I just wrote that, that's where my mind goes, straight to the worst possible scenario. All i know, if she goes, i go.