Saddened day.
I feel like total utter crap. My family says I’m feeling sorry for myself. What does that really mean anyway? I can’t regret my past. I can’t feel bad for the lies I was told, ruining any relationship I may have had with mom. If they didn’t tell me such lies… maybe things never would have happened they way they did. Maybe mom would still be alive… Maybe she never would have gotten into the situation she did leading to her death. If I had been there… maybe I could have prevented all of it.
I always envisioned this future, where we worked it all out, and we were involved with one another once again. I tried too… but it never happened. Were we really meant to leave all this pain in between us? Was it really supposed to end like this? What would have happened if I didn’t believe their lies? Would things have been different? In my happy little future, she would there at my wedding, watching me marry the man of my dreams. She would be there when I had my first child… offering the best advice she could give. She would be there, to raise her own son, and watch him graduate.
There was so much still going on for her… for us… Why did it have to end like this? Why did she have to suffer so much in her life?
I remember for my high school graduation we had to give our family “tickets” to attend the ceremony. I got an extra for my mom… hoping that I would be in touch with her before the graduation. But I never called her. I couldn’t. With my grandmother around I was so afraid. I didn’t want her to hurt mom (mentally). At times, I did believe my mom’s side of the story. But then my grandmother would remind me verbally that my mother left me with them. That she gave me up and was happy with her new child.
Even now I’ll look at some of my fantastic artwork, a trait I got from her, and wonder what would she say about it. When she last knew me I was still drawing stick figures. -_- I wonder if she would be proud of me and my talents. I wonder how different life would have been like with her. And I wish there was a way to find out. Not necessarily change anything... but just to see what it could have been like.
I always envisioned this future, where we worked it all out, and we were involved with one another once again. I tried too… but it never happened. Were we really meant to leave all this pain in between us? Was it really supposed to end like this? What would have happened if I didn’t believe their lies? Would things have been different? In my happy little future, she would there at my wedding, watching me marry the man of my dreams. She would be there when I had my first child… offering the best advice she could give. She would be there, to raise her own son, and watch him graduate.
There was so much still going on for her… for us… Why did it have to end like this? Why did she have to suffer so much in her life?
I remember for my high school graduation we had to give our family “tickets” to attend the ceremony. I got an extra for my mom… hoping that I would be in touch with her before the graduation. But I never called her. I couldn’t. With my grandmother around I was so afraid. I didn’t want her to hurt mom (mentally). At times, I did believe my mom’s side of the story. But then my grandmother would remind me verbally that my mother left me with them. That she gave me up and was happy with her new child.
Even now I’ll look at some of my fantastic artwork, a trait I got from her, and wonder what would she say about it. When she last knew me I was still drawing stick figures. -_- I wonder if she would be proud of me and my talents. I wonder how different life would have been like with her. And I wish there was a way to find out. Not necessarily change anything... but just to see what it could have been like.