On Polyamory
Someone recently told me they absolutely hate when people begin papers with a definition. So, in honor of that person, I begin:
According to Wikipedia, Polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is similar to Polygamy, although I believe polygamy tends to be a more rigid system, and is perhaps more applicable to marriage. Regardless, the concept of "multiple" relationships is something I've never really given much thought to.
Naturally, I have encountered the concept before in the past, but since I never really imagined it could apply to me, I didn't really give much thought. Polygamy was something that happened in other religions, but since I was all Catholic (and, regardless of my current religious affiliation, would probably have a Christian wedding), it was something that happened to other people. Then there's also the concept of "open" relationships. Although essentially neutral about, there was something somehow did not sit well with me. As I understood it, open relationships were for "swingers", once again something I never viewed myself as being. If others want it, by all means, have and enjoy...but it didn't really seem appropriate for me.
So, polyamory. Multiple, intimate relationships. How's that not an open relationship. Well, I think a key part of it is the INTIMATE thing. It implies a genuine, emotional attachment. Swinging is the exact opposite...fooling around with whatever happens to come your way. In my mind, a truly polyamorous relationship leaves no room for one night stands, bar pick-ups, what have you.
Another question...can it work? I guess to answer that, you first have to decide...does love (read: an emotional, romantic relationship) necessitate singular devotion to one person? Is it truly an all or nothing deal, where, in falling in love with a person, all of your "romantic resources" are transferred to that one person? A difficult question. Well, chew on this. When you break up with someone, do you stop loving them? Indeed, even after moving on and starting anew, doesn't SOME feeling still remain for your past loves? To this day, I know I still have a blind spot for my first girlfriend, and there are times where I might still pine for her, wish I could be with her again. If it is possible to be in a truly loving relationship with one person, while still maintaining a lingering sense of attachment to an ex, perhaps that means love doesn't have to be monogamous...maybe it can be shared.
Imagine...people complain about how complex monogamous relationships are, how difficult it must be to work out an arrangement with three, or even more people! I've always felt the most important quality in a relationship (of any sort really) is a capacity for communication. Naturally, the only way for communication to foster, there also needs to be a very strong, mutual, sense of respect and trust (and probably a bit of patience) fostered. The potential for deceit, coercion, even infidelity (and it is definitely possible in a polyamorous relationship) are magnified tremendously, and the only way the inevitable pitfalls can be worked out is through honest communication, and the commitment to work through them.
Clearly, there need to be strong guidelines worked out, and I would feel they should be clearly outlined and discussed by all members of the relationship to work...and all should abide by them. Naturally, just what these rules are will depend on the people. I don't think I could honestly handle an open relationship, and don't feel there is room for haphazard "sleeping around" for any relationship I am a part of. However...if another member truly has some attraction/attachment to a person they've known, and I am aware of this before any fooling around has happened, I think I could bring myself to accept this. Indeed, I also think I would rather enjoy that type of freedom myself.
Which brings me to another aspect...the possible benefits of polyamory. First and foremost (and I do believe this is more important), there are more than just the two people in the relationship. When there are disputes between members (as there inevitably will be), the third person can act as a mediator of sorts, acting as a sympathetic ear for both parties, and hopefully helping to diffuse and help heal the situation. Naturally, there is also the benefit of having a little "variety" in a relationship, since the relationship doesn't need to come to an end solely because there is an attraction to another person (we are still animals, to a degree). There are also economic and familial advantages, but I won't delve into them at the moment, since I'm a bit young and don't really desire to consider that stage of my life quite yet.
Naturally, there are also some rather compelling issues that might arise. The first, and most obvious, is the issue of jealousy. Not everyone is capable of sharing their loved one, and this is something that needs to be worked out immediately, if the relationship is to continue in a healthy manner. I feel that this is where the trust and communication issues come most strongly into play. Adding another person into the mix needs to be decided carefully, and all members of the group should have equal say in the decision. In that absence of that, it becomes far too easy for cheating...fooling around with someone without the knowledge of the members of the group. In fact, I would say this can be even more detrimental in a polyamorous relationship...a whole group can be broken up if that is trust is compromised, and since it is so essential, that trust can be far far harder to get back once it's lost. I'll also just mention in passing, for your own consideration, the difficulty members of a polyamorous relationship must have with making the nature of their relationship known to a rather close-minded world.
Alright, I'd say I'm pretty done for now. I would just like to close by mentioning that I wrote this up really only considering a relationship which is completely balanced in nature...there can also be so called "V" relationships, where there is a single person who has two partners that aren't involved with each other on quite as deep a level as the center connector (if they were, that could be a triangle relationship), as well as there being a central "primary" relationship, with satellite "secondary" relationships only fulfilling certain needs (be they solely emotional, sexual, or what have you), in addition to many others.
All in all, it makes for some pretty interesting reading. I definitely recommend checking out the wiki article on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory If for no other reason, it is interesting to consider another, radically different, approach to something that has a rather standardized (and perhaps flawed, or at least incomplete, given divorce rates nowadays) preconception in our society.
According to Wikipedia, Polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is similar to Polygamy, although I believe polygamy tends to be a more rigid system, and is perhaps more applicable to marriage. Regardless, the concept of "multiple" relationships is something I've never really given much thought to.
Naturally, I have encountered the concept before in the past, but since I never really imagined it could apply to me, I didn't really give much thought. Polygamy was something that happened in other religions, but since I was all Catholic (and, regardless of my current religious affiliation, would probably have a Christian wedding), it was something that happened to other people. Then there's also the concept of "open" relationships. Although essentially neutral about, there was something somehow did not sit well with me. As I understood it, open relationships were for "swingers", once again something I never viewed myself as being. If others want it, by all means, have and enjoy...but it didn't really seem appropriate for me.
So, polyamory. Multiple, intimate relationships. How's that not an open relationship. Well, I think a key part of it is the INTIMATE thing. It implies a genuine, emotional attachment. Swinging is the exact opposite...fooling around with whatever happens to come your way. In my mind, a truly polyamorous relationship leaves no room for one night stands, bar pick-ups, what have you.
Another question...can it work? I guess to answer that, you first have to decide...does love (read: an emotional, romantic relationship) necessitate singular devotion to one person? Is it truly an all or nothing deal, where, in falling in love with a person, all of your "romantic resources" are transferred to that one person? A difficult question. Well, chew on this. When you break up with someone, do you stop loving them? Indeed, even after moving on and starting anew, doesn't SOME feeling still remain for your past loves? To this day, I know I still have a blind spot for my first girlfriend, and there are times where I might still pine for her, wish I could be with her again. If it is possible to be in a truly loving relationship with one person, while still maintaining a lingering sense of attachment to an ex, perhaps that means love doesn't have to be monogamous...maybe it can be shared.
Imagine...people complain about how complex monogamous relationships are, how difficult it must be to work out an arrangement with three, or even more people! I've always felt the most important quality in a relationship (of any sort really) is a capacity for communication. Naturally, the only way for communication to foster, there also needs to be a very strong, mutual, sense of respect and trust (and probably a bit of patience) fostered. The potential for deceit, coercion, even infidelity (and it is definitely possible in a polyamorous relationship) are magnified tremendously, and the only way the inevitable pitfalls can be worked out is through honest communication, and the commitment to work through them.
Clearly, there need to be strong guidelines worked out, and I would feel they should be clearly outlined and discussed by all members of the relationship to work...and all should abide by them. Naturally, just what these rules are will depend on the people. I don't think I could honestly handle an open relationship, and don't feel there is room for haphazard "sleeping around" for any relationship I am a part of. However...if another member truly has some attraction/attachment to a person they've known, and I am aware of this before any fooling around has happened, I think I could bring myself to accept this. Indeed, I also think I would rather enjoy that type of freedom myself.
Which brings me to another aspect...the possible benefits of polyamory. First and foremost (and I do believe this is more important), there are more than just the two people in the relationship. When there are disputes between members (as there inevitably will be), the third person can act as a mediator of sorts, acting as a sympathetic ear for both parties, and hopefully helping to diffuse and help heal the situation. Naturally, there is also the benefit of having a little "variety" in a relationship, since the relationship doesn't need to come to an end solely because there is an attraction to another person (we are still animals, to a degree). There are also economic and familial advantages, but I won't delve into them at the moment, since I'm a bit young and don't really desire to consider that stage of my life quite yet.
Naturally, there are also some rather compelling issues that might arise. The first, and most obvious, is the issue of jealousy. Not everyone is capable of sharing their loved one, and this is something that needs to be worked out immediately, if the relationship is to continue in a healthy manner. I feel that this is where the trust and communication issues come most strongly into play. Adding another person into the mix needs to be decided carefully, and all members of the group should have equal say in the decision. In that absence of that, it becomes far too easy for cheating...fooling around with someone without the knowledge of the members of the group. In fact, I would say this can be even more detrimental in a polyamorous relationship...a whole group can be broken up if that is trust is compromised, and since it is so essential, that trust can be far far harder to get back once it's lost. I'll also just mention in passing, for your own consideration, the difficulty members of a polyamorous relationship must have with making the nature of their relationship known to a rather close-minded world.
Alright, I'd say I'm pretty done for now. I would just like to close by mentioning that I wrote this up really only considering a relationship which is completely balanced in nature...there can also be so called "V" relationships, where there is a single person who has two partners that aren't involved with each other on quite as deep a level as the center connector (if they were, that could be a triangle relationship), as well as there being a central "primary" relationship, with satellite "secondary" relationships only fulfilling certain needs (be they solely emotional, sexual, or what have you), in addition to many others.
All in all, it makes for some pretty interesting reading. I definitely recommend checking out the wiki article on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory If for no other reason, it is interesting to consider another, radically different, approach to something that has a rather standardized (and perhaps flawed, or at least incomplete, given divorce rates nowadays) preconception in our society.