An announcement
I got my best possible wedding present from my dear departed friend and lover, Deborah Ruppert. One day, she realized I was completely emotionally frazzled, and wanted to help talk me through it - something she was *very* good at, I might add! - and I was once again trying to push her away, though she was one of the people I trusted most, when I was feeling that way. I explained that I knew *all* of the techniques she was discussing, I could do those things in my *sleep* (arguably, I have), and yet....
She suddenly intuited just how hard I work, 24x7x365, keeping my emotions under control. And it was like, "OMG, you have an axe sticking out of your head! I bet it hurts!" And now that someone said it, I could look in the mirror and say "why yes. It's funny - it's a really old pain, but no one, no one ever, ever, ever, mentioned it before." Now, I could have figured out how hard I worked to maintain emotional stability if asked the right questions, by someone who knew the right sorts of questions to ask, but, I had no real guidance on how easily most people managed their emotions.
Instead, she put it all together - the times she's seen me having problems, and what other signs she sees at those times, the signs that my resources are just totally drained. Today, I know why I have so many problems managing my emotions - I'm in constant pain, and I'm having constant other neurological effects, and those both drain resources, as well as impinging on one's emotional awareness. In other words: people can do things that hurt you, just as much as if they given you a hearty, affectionate, slap... over a sunburn. It's normal to feel angry about, or afraid of, being hurt like that, but if your pains are invisible, you can't show any emotional reaction, or people will think you're weird.
So I've gotten really good at managing my emotions, because I've always had these pains that were invisible, so I had to keep them hidden - or so I thought. Still: Deborah might have saved my life by affirming my pain, and my skill at handling it.
Um. To avoid burying the lede - yes, y'all can accuse me of that a bit, already - I did mention a specific type of gift earlier, right? And, anyway, one day, I was explaining to my beloved Mildred Uzoma how a bad encounter had happened. First, she joked about how horribly stinky something was, causing me to have sudden nausea. "NOT her fault," my mind conveniently and immediately supplied - see, that's emotional state control, don't attack Milli. Until I explain I have a tender stomach, she can't account for it. But, I explained, that was what put me in the state Deborah Ruppert had noticed.
And so, I explained, when *Milli* suggested maybe I didn't need a shoe brush if I didn't want to get it from her preferred outlet, I blew up, because I was the one who wanted one, and knew damn well where to *find* one.
Well, at that point, she wanted to explain to me, she didn't mean *that*, and I shushed her. I explained to her, it wasn't *important* what she'd actually said. As if this had anything to do with her at all! Ha ha, no, this is how you handle your husband-to-be who is sometimes out of resources so his embarrassing defects all show up - surprisingly frequently, these days! - and he gets angry for no real reason. I *am* damaged goods, you know.
Something happened. I knew she was empathic, and a hospice nurse, so, she knows emotions are sometimes irrational, so maybe I shouldn't have been surprised, but, when it happened, I realized I hadn't thought it through. I shouldn't have been "not surprised" by her reaction - I should have expected it! Me, apologizing for my behavior in that specific context, had landed with the same dull thud as if the situation were reversed - if *she* had made abject apologies to *me* for being... an ordinary human being with the same irrational batch of emotions we all have. Oh, sure, *sometimes* our emotions are rational - but if they were purely rational, we'd call them "thoughts," not "feelings."
I don't know who said it first but, it was something to the effect of "so what if you're angry for no good reason, once in a while? Emotions aren't always rational, and we can always talk it out later." In my mind, we were married at that point, and not on September 4th, 2024, in Renton City Hall, but, the latter date *was* the date of the actual wedding, and my shoes were still well-enough shined that no shoe brush was needed... but I now have multiple such brushes.
Um. So let's say I indulged in foreshadowing, not burying the lede.
Here's the thing: in the past, appearing angry was equated with being abusive by far to many of my acquaintences, and, every time I tried to understand what they meant, in saying something that seemed so wrongheaded to me, I kept getting frustrated. Well... that's because my perceptions are different, so my language is different. Look: if you look at me, and you think I'm angry, good on you. It's perfectly fine if I display my anger. In fact, I suspect Milli helped me there, too, once.
One day, early in our courtship, I gave her a big hug from behind, and I know she could tell I had a strong erection. I couldn't explain why I knew this wasn't a problem, even though I knew it violated some rules people had suggested for dating. You see, the context was, we were doing some BDSM-y play, I paused to hug her, and then continued our scene. We shared some affectionate cuddles afterward. And this is akin to questions about displaying emotions.
"Should I have demonstrated my erection?" is the wrong question. "Was it okay to demonstrate my erection?" is also the wrong question. "Should I have prevented her from noticing my erection, if she did so incidentally to an innocent hug?" is the right question, and the answer is "no". Of course, even that answer can be abused, by an abuser, but the point is, it's not whether something is *visible* (or palpable/noticeable), but whose "problem" it is. My erection/arousal is my problem. If someone opens their boundaries to making it *our* problem, and consents, now we have a shared problem to solve - lovely life you're leading, if this is your biggest Problem Of The Day, right?
Well, this is the same thing as with emotions. An abuser thinks his erection is his intended victim's problem to deal with; an abuser thinks his anger is his victim's problem to deal with. Me, I think an erection, or anger, is mine to deal with, unless someone offers to help. And that's why it was so hard to discuss things with people in the past - they equated a display of anger with abuse. But it's not - it *can* be, especially to a person who thinks "you made me angry" is a "you" problem, and not a "me" problem. But, fuck, people are angry all the time. It's really pretty surprising, given how much the NTs scold us NDs to keep our emotions in check!
Anyway: emotions are much the same, and, just as fraught and rife with contradictions as early erotic activities. It's not just visibility, it's visibility, and actions, boundaries, and, goddamned it, *communication*, and a lot of other things. The primary takeaway is, if I'm hurt, frustrated, angry, as long as those are *my* problem, that *I* am trying to deal with, well, that's okay - no matter how rotten my poker face is, nor whether or not I choose to try to wear one in the first place. I know, I know, I'm contradicting the advice of probably a dozen of people I thought were friends, but, hey, I've been wrong about that kind of thing plenty of times. I'd rather be wrong about *who* is a friend, than wrong about what *friendship* is.
Anyway: the important part here, is, shortly before the 4th of September, Milli and I had a discussion in which I apologized for being human, and in return, she acknowledged my humanity and proclaimed her love for all of me, something no woman has ever done before in my life. That was the moment I was, in mind, heart, and spirit, married. Corporealy, and legally, that was the September 4, 2024. My birthday's a week later, her's is two weeks later, and the 28th is proposal day, so we have a month full of anniversaries - 4th, 11th, 18th, and 25th.
She suddenly intuited just how hard I work, 24x7x365, keeping my emotions under control. And it was like, "OMG, you have an axe sticking out of your head! I bet it hurts!" And now that someone said it, I could look in the mirror and say "why yes. It's funny - it's a really old pain, but no one, no one ever, ever, ever, mentioned it before." Now, I could have figured out how hard I worked to maintain emotional stability if asked the right questions, by someone who knew the right sorts of questions to ask, but, I had no real guidance on how easily most people managed their emotions.
Instead, she put it all together - the times she's seen me having problems, and what other signs she sees at those times, the signs that my resources are just totally drained. Today, I know why I have so many problems managing my emotions - I'm in constant pain, and I'm having constant other neurological effects, and those both drain resources, as well as impinging on one's emotional awareness. In other words: people can do things that hurt you, just as much as if they given you a hearty, affectionate, slap... over a sunburn. It's normal to feel angry about, or afraid of, being hurt like that, but if your pains are invisible, you can't show any emotional reaction, or people will think you're weird.
So I've gotten really good at managing my emotions, because I've always had these pains that were invisible, so I had to keep them hidden - or so I thought. Still: Deborah might have saved my life by affirming my pain, and my skill at handling it.
Um. To avoid burying the lede - yes, y'all can accuse me of that a bit, already - I did mention a specific type of gift earlier, right? And, anyway, one day, I was explaining to my beloved Mildred Uzoma how a bad encounter had happened. First, she joked about how horribly stinky something was, causing me to have sudden nausea. "NOT her fault," my mind conveniently and immediately supplied - see, that's emotional state control, don't attack Milli. Until I explain I have a tender stomach, she can't account for it. But, I explained, that was what put me in the state Deborah Ruppert had noticed.
And so, I explained, when *Milli* suggested maybe I didn't need a shoe brush if I didn't want to get it from her preferred outlet, I blew up, because I was the one who wanted one, and knew damn well where to *find* one.
Well, at that point, she wanted to explain to me, she didn't mean *that*, and I shushed her. I explained to her, it wasn't *important* what she'd actually said. As if this had anything to do with her at all! Ha ha, no, this is how you handle your husband-to-be who is sometimes out of resources so his embarrassing defects all show up - surprisingly frequently, these days! - and he gets angry for no real reason. I *am* damaged goods, you know.
Something happened. I knew she was empathic, and a hospice nurse, so, she knows emotions are sometimes irrational, so maybe I shouldn't have been surprised, but, when it happened, I realized I hadn't thought it through. I shouldn't have been "not surprised" by her reaction - I should have expected it! Me, apologizing for my behavior in that specific context, had landed with the same dull thud as if the situation were reversed - if *she* had made abject apologies to *me* for being... an ordinary human being with the same irrational batch of emotions we all have. Oh, sure, *sometimes* our emotions are rational - but if they were purely rational, we'd call them "thoughts," not "feelings."
I don't know who said it first but, it was something to the effect of "so what if you're angry for no good reason, once in a while? Emotions aren't always rational, and we can always talk it out later." In my mind, we were married at that point, and not on September 4th, 2024, in Renton City Hall, but, the latter date *was* the date of the actual wedding, and my shoes were still well-enough shined that no shoe brush was needed... but I now have multiple such brushes.
Um. So let's say I indulged in foreshadowing, not burying the lede.
Here's the thing: in the past, appearing angry was equated with being abusive by far to many of my acquaintences, and, every time I tried to understand what they meant, in saying something that seemed so wrongheaded to me, I kept getting frustrated. Well... that's because my perceptions are different, so my language is different. Look: if you look at me, and you think I'm angry, good on you. It's perfectly fine if I display my anger. In fact, I suspect Milli helped me there, too, once.
One day, early in our courtship, I gave her a big hug from behind, and I know she could tell I had a strong erection. I couldn't explain why I knew this wasn't a problem, even though I knew it violated some rules people had suggested for dating. You see, the context was, we were doing some BDSM-y play, I paused to hug her, and then continued our scene. We shared some affectionate cuddles afterward. And this is akin to questions about displaying emotions.
"Should I have demonstrated my erection?" is the wrong question. "Was it okay to demonstrate my erection?" is also the wrong question. "Should I have prevented her from noticing my erection, if she did so incidentally to an innocent hug?" is the right question, and the answer is "no". Of course, even that answer can be abused, by an abuser, but the point is, it's not whether something is *visible* (or palpable/noticeable), but whose "problem" it is. My erection/arousal is my problem. If someone opens their boundaries to making it *our* problem, and consents, now we have a shared problem to solve - lovely life you're leading, if this is your biggest Problem Of The Day, right?
Well, this is the same thing as with emotions. An abuser thinks his erection is his intended victim's problem to deal with; an abuser thinks his anger is his victim's problem to deal with. Me, I think an erection, or anger, is mine to deal with, unless someone offers to help. And that's why it was so hard to discuss things with people in the past - they equated a display of anger with abuse. But it's not - it *can* be, especially to a person who thinks "you made me angry" is a "you" problem, and not a "me" problem. But, fuck, people are angry all the time. It's really pretty surprising, given how much the NTs scold us NDs to keep our emotions in check!
Anyway: emotions are much the same, and, just as fraught and rife with contradictions as early erotic activities. It's not just visibility, it's visibility, and actions, boundaries, and, goddamned it, *communication*, and a lot of other things. The primary takeaway is, if I'm hurt, frustrated, angry, as long as those are *my* problem, that *I* am trying to deal with, well, that's okay - no matter how rotten my poker face is, nor whether or not I choose to try to wear one in the first place. I know, I know, I'm contradicting the advice of probably a dozen of people I thought were friends, but, hey, I've been wrong about that kind of thing plenty of times. I'd rather be wrong about *who* is a friend, than wrong about what *friendship* is.
Anyway: the important part here, is, shortly before the 4th of September, Milli and I had a discussion in which I apologized for being human, and in return, she acknowledged my humanity and proclaimed her love for all of me, something no woman has ever done before in my life. That was the moment I was, in mind, heart, and spirit, married. Corporealy, and legally, that was the September 4, 2024. My birthday's a week later, her's is two weeks later, and the 28th is proposal day, so we have a month full of anniversaries - 4th, 11th, 18th, and 25th.