my brief stint with a drug.

Dec 02, 2005 11:14

well i said i would elaborate on these things later...and later is now.
(driving, anger, 14yr olds, imaginary mosquitoes, suicide, sanity)

Even though I had only been taking Paxil for a few days, I experienced a lot of shitty feelings. Most if not all were psychological expectations of the drug rather than the actual chemical reaction it was meant to be having in my brain. So here is a short account of what happened.

While driving, I found myself entertaining thoughts of running my car into the wall and trying to flip it. For some reason, I was completely bored with the routine of driving the car within the lines that I'm supposed to use.. that thought kinda scared me because it was a reckless one and it seemed really exciting at the time. I suppressed it and went about my day. I later found myself stuck in traffic during which time, some asshole decided to drive in the emergency lane just so he could cut off, and abruptly stop, in front of the person waiting patiently in line before me. I was immediately filled with rage to the point where I put my car in park with the intent of getting out, approaching said asshole, and beating the shit out of him. Then Mr. Sanity kicked back in before I had time to unfasten my seat belt..also the light had turned green.

I had noticed that my personality, or what was/is left of it, was quickly deteriorating into something more like that of a zombie of its former self. Ugly, uncontrollable, and out to eat my brains. I was easily aggravated and I had a harder time dealing with it than usual. Yesterday, I cut my knuckles from punching the shit out of my alarm clock and I stabbed my singing birthday balloon upon leaving my bedroom. I found my thoughts about other people becoming uglier by the minute. While sitting in class, I would just get pissed off by the way people looked, talked, smelled, etc. Whatever they did, i did not like.

These stupid pills were fucking with my dreams too. I've had some fucked up dreams before, but none more fucked up and vivid than the ones I recently experienced while eating these god damn things. I don't have time to go into them, but one of them had to do with walking around my old middle school and picking up girls. It may be funny to joke about it, but when it happens "for real" in a dream, it leaves you feeling really uneasy when you wake up...or atleast it did for me.. considering that my little sister would have been among the oldest kids at that school in my dream if she was a part of it.

I had an issue at band practice the other night where I was convinced things were crawling on me, and flying away just before I could find/see them. Hence the mention of "imaginary mosquitoes." That's all I could make of it, is that it had to be in my head cause I could find a single one...but I felt several.

I've heard all kinds of Paxil horror stories and rumors. One of the most common having to do with its users committing suicide. Last night was the final straw. I went to band practice with a 12 pack of New Castle, a beer that I happen to enjoy quite a bit, and a terrible plague in my brain inhibiting my ability to have fun. You can make me hate stupid things, and you can make me a fucking vegetable if you want...but when you fuck with my love for good beer and music, then its time to go. I don't care if I go insane and have a panic attack that kills me, I refuse to not like playing music and drinking beer.

I stopped taking Paxil last night.
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