So what does it all mean?
I just don't understand sometimes. I wish someone would explain. I wish I knew what people meant, I wish I could say what I meant.
I tried to do it the way I think i am supposed to. It isn't working right. I mean what the fuck do I do?
Am I supposed to play the jealous guy? The non caring guy? Or the guy that people have been telling me I should be playing...the guy that just moves on?
Now that might be a good idea and all, but it doesn't feel right to me. I think I called someone her name like twice yesterday. That someone wasn't pissed or anything. She didn't so much want a meaningful relationship with me anyway...lol. Actually she thought it was kind of cute. Twisted. LOL
But back to the question of what am I supposed to do here? How do I proceed?
Its like shooting in a way. If you are pretty sure that you will hit what you are aiming at, do you take the shot? Or do you look beyond that target and say to yourself "I've missed with this same shot before" and wonder what you could destroy on the other side?
I think everyone knows by now whats going on so I felt ok about writing on here. I am not here to point fingers, slam, or talk shit about anyone at all. I am just in a place right now where I can't seem to find my own answers. I've made some subtle changes to things since the first, like on my myspace thing for instance. Wanted to see what it's like now not seeing the same thing that has been on there since I made it. Hell...I've even tried "talking" to other people, and again...it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Where at the time I am quite excited at the concept of getting with someone else, I begin to find excuses as to why I shouldn't be. I know deep down why I don't want to and all, but for some reason I can't see past it even though I know. I mean, I have grown used to something that was always there for the past five years. And bullshit aside, they were like the best 5 years I can ever remember having.
But now thats like gone...but its not. I can't see us being together again, and neither can she. Yeah there is still the love there I know. I think it is differant from my angle though, not the same kind she has for me anyway. And as much as I can't see us together again, I would totally be lying if I didn't admit that I still wanted to be. I mean how fucked up is that? There are some huge trust issues there that weren't there before, and I would be scared that they may be there for a long time to come, but I am so stupid for lack of a better word, that I would be almost be willing to look past them. I know...I need help. lol
Not to mention, most importantly, that there is someone else involved too. And I know how it felt when I got hurt by her, and I really would have problems thinking that I may be involved in possibly doing the same thing to this guy. At the same time though...I could just beat his ass and make myself feel better. I am TOTALLY kidding. lol But I do have to ask myself would it be right? I mean...it happened to me right? Is that enough to justify it? I mean what if she dumped him though? Would it be ok then? Or should I remind myself even then that she is in love wiith him? Or should I remind myself that she says she still loves me? Or think about the fact that she told this guy she can't love him as much as she does me? Although...I have heard that before. I believed it last time, and god knows I want to again. But because of certain shit, I have to wonder. I have to be smarter about protecting myself this time. I mean I flipped out the other day. lol That and she did say she told him this while she was freaking out. So can she even trust herself in this matter?
And I do, no matter what happens with us, want to live with her again. Not to try to steal her away from this guy or anything. Not to be around all the time to give her shit and bug her about the "us situation". But to be there to help with shit. To help take care of her and Morg. To finally get both our kids home with their parents where they belong. Its not like her roomate that was supposed to take care of shit does shit at all. The ONLY time he does anything is when he catches shit about it from her family. And I think when I was there the other day he "overheard" me telling her she should kick him out cause he does nothing he said he would do, and only keeps depressing her. LOL But on the bright side...some shit got done around there. lol
The thing that sucks most is the one person that I would normally bring this stuff to to talk to and help me figure stuff out in my head, is the one person that I can't talk to about it. Because its the person this is all about. lol
I mean...I have sappy song lyrics going on in my head constantly. I get mad about that honestly. I don't imagine that sappy song lyrics that remind you of the person are a good way to get over them. lol This is really hard for me here. I hope that we can talk soon and figure out what the fuck is up here. I want to finish the conversation we started today. I want to know all that happened. I hope that you are still going to keep your promise and tell me.
But anyway...this is way to fucking long. lol Hope I don't piss people off or get a bunch of "put behind a cut" posts. lol So I will end it the way it began...so what does it all mean?
I tried to do it the way I think i am supposed to. It isn't working right. I mean what the fuck do I do?
Am I supposed to play the jealous guy? The non caring guy? Or the guy that people have been telling me I should be playing...the guy that just moves on?
Now that might be a good idea and all, but it doesn't feel right to me. I think I called someone her name like twice yesterday. That someone wasn't pissed or anything. She didn't so much want a meaningful relationship with me anyway...lol. Actually she thought it was kind of cute. Twisted. LOL
But back to the question of what am I supposed to do here? How do I proceed?
Its like shooting in a way. If you are pretty sure that you will hit what you are aiming at, do you take the shot? Or do you look beyond that target and say to yourself "I've missed with this same shot before" and wonder what you could destroy on the other side?
I think everyone knows by now whats going on so I felt ok about writing on here. I am not here to point fingers, slam, or talk shit about anyone at all. I am just in a place right now where I can't seem to find my own answers. I've made some subtle changes to things since the first, like on my myspace thing for instance. Wanted to see what it's like now not seeing the same thing that has been on there since I made it. Hell...I've even tried "talking" to other people, and again...it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Where at the time I am quite excited at the concept of getting with someone else, I begin to find excuses as to why I shouldn't be. I know deep down why I don't want to and all, but for some reason I can't see past it even though I know. I mean, I have grown used to something that was always there for the past five years. And bullshit aside, they were like the best 5 years I can ever remember having.
But now thats like gone...but its not. I can't see us being together again, and neither can she. Yeah there is still the love there I know. I think it is differant from my angle though, not the same kind she has for me anyway. And as much as I can't see us together again, I would totally be lying if I didn't admit that I still wanted to be. I mean how fucked up is that? There are some huge trust issues there that weren't there before, and I would be scared that they may be there for a long time to come, but I am so stupid for lack of a better word, that I would be almost be willing to look past them. I know...I need help. lol
Not to mention, most importantly, that there is someone else involved too. And I know how it felt when I got hurt by her, and I really would have problems thinking that I may be involved in possibly doing the same thing to this guy. At the same time though...I could just beat his ass and make myself feel better. I am TOTALLY kidding. lol But I do have to ask myself would it be right? I mean...it happened to me right? Is that enough to justify it? I mean what if she dumped him though? Would it be ok then? Or should I remind myself even then that she is in love wiith him? Or should I remind myself that she says she still loves me? Or think about the fact that she told this guy she can't love him as much as she does me? Although...I have heard that before. I believed it last time, and god knows I want to again. But because of certain shit, I have to wonder. I have to be smarter about protecting myself this time. I mean I flipped out the other day. lol That and she did say she told him this while she was freaking out. So can she even trust herself in this matter?
And I do, no matter what happens with us, want to live with her again. Not to try to steal her away from this guy or anything. Not to be around all the time to give her shit and bug her about the "us situation". But to be there to help with shit. To help take care of her and Morg. To finally get both our kids home with their parents where they belong. Its not like her roomate that was supposed to take care of shit does shit at all. The ONLY time he does anything is when he catches shit about it from her family. And I think when I was there the other day he "overheard" me telling her she should kick him out cause he does nothing he said he would do, and only keeps depressing her. LOL But on the bright side...some shit got done around there. lol
The thing that sucks most is the one person that I would normally bring this stuff to to talk to and help me figure stuff out in my head, is the one person that I can't talk to about it. Because its the person this is all about. lol
I mean...I have sappy song lyrics going on in my head constantly. I get mad about that honestly. I don't imagine that sappy song lyrics that remind you of the person are a good way to get over them. lol This is really hard for me here. I hope that we can talk soon and figure out what the fuck is up here. I want to finish the conversation we started today. I want to know all that happened. I hope that you are still going to keep your promise and tell me.
But anyway...this is way to fucking long. lol Hope I don't piss people off or get a bunch of "put behind a cut" posts. lol So I will end it the way it began...so what does it all mean?