How NOT to steal your own bike ...
Left work with plans to meet up with chums and watch some fake wrestling in the park. On the way I stopped at Taco Bell to surprise everyone with delicious empanadas (caramel apple pies).
When I came out and attempted to unlock my bike, the key snapped off in my expensive Kryptonite U-Lock (which is about a year old). I tried using the broken key to open the lock, and failed. I went to the mall and bought some precision tools, perfect for picking locks, and returned to my bike. I worked on the lock for about an hour, in a very obvious fashion, but the lodged key proved to be impassible. I thought to myself, "Wow. Hundreds of people have passed me on the sidewalk and none of them have said anything to me, or even tried to keep me from stealing this bike." Immediately after completing the thought the police arrived.
The police checked my ID, asked me every question they could think of about the bike (and my customizations), and ran my name through their database. I told them about the accidents I've been in which sealed the deal. "Okay, that's all we need. Good luck.", one officer said. "Wait, you guys aren't going to help me?", I asked. "No." the officer said, chuckling. "Call the fire department.".
Luckily I have some amazing friends. tigger_jay came to my rescue and kept me company while John arrived with some cutting tools to bust the lock. After that I had to wait around for about 10 minutes until the cut lock was cooled down enough to put in my backpack. Geez.