A Work (Or is it Disaster?) In Progress: Blessed Thanks, Damnation, Loathing, and Loving...
Thanksgiving, perhaps this entire week allowed me to sit back and just take a moment to fully soak in appreciation (though perhaps that was turkey juice as applied by my Mama who may have turned cannibal for all I know.. males aren't recognized in museums for being terribly observant and I fall into that category with honor and dignity) for everyone I have in my life and all that I've experienced. We as a society move such a break neck pace anymore because we've always got somewhere to be, something to do, something to prove to people that in the long run just don't, won't matter in the grand scheme of this mystery we like to apply the word life to; so much that only on certain days do many of us take the time to really think about everything and place it into proper perspective. Personally speaking it is something I am striving to master because it's everything that is outside of my head that I fully comprehend and love.
This therapy experiment has unlocked many doors to the thoughts that often leave me feeling incomplete and unworthy of just about anything positive one could conjure up with creativity and some scented markers.. and there lies the problem.. I almost treat it as a high tech video game (soon to be made available on X-Box 360 because I <3 that system now) where I really desire cheat codes to get to the next level until I have full fledged peace of mind and the contentedness I envy so many for having in their lives. But those damn doors never seem to stop unlocking and for every step forward I make in shedding the demons that bring me angst it always appears at the end of each session there's ten steps being taken backward.. some other issue to confront and face down when I don't feel as if I am worth the good doctor's time nor do I often feel I have the strength to be doing so. I am constantly torn between living in the moment, taking it all day by day and looking ahead to the future; Do I really see myself going all the way with this? Will anyone be accepting of who I want to become on a full time basis and if they are at first, what will keep them from changing their minds? After all we're all entitled to do so and that is what scares me the most.
I'll absolutely be the first to concede that deep down I have yet to find a consistent basis of self-esteem. Most souls can awake in the morning feel good about themselves without a single doubt or second thought. Me? I look long and hard into the mirror and engage in a drawn out mental battle that there are things and people worth living for, there is something for me to ultimately discover and leave my mark while I still have the time to. I intend on being remembered by as many people as possible before my death occurs. And this is where Thanksgiving really played a hand in opening up my eyes fully to my surroundings and realizing I have it pretty fucking good all considering.
Thursday I discarded these thoughts and just enjoyed myself. It wasn't hard to considering the yearly traditions at my Mama's were in full force. Her yelling at the television set, once more complaining about the lack of camera time for balloons during the parades (when will she learn those damn liberal networks love to showcase themselves? Charlie Brown be damned!) as I popped in the classic "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" before being besieged with more food than a single person should have to consume if they didn't have the insane metabolism I have. Precious moments that not everyone has the blessing to engage in and that keeps me from looking down the barrel of what would be my weapon of choice if I weren't getting better. My Mama has been the rock behind my recovery and I will never evvvver be able to do enough to repay her. Of course if she was in fact attempting to cook me that day then I will be placing a call to the adoption agency she got me from and wondering just what kind of background checks they employ at that shack! This isn't to say I wouldn't be delicious but come on!
Anyway, that sentimental thinking snowballed into that night when I went to Christina's house for what wound up being meal #2. Here this family gladly accepted my company and really seemed to enjoy it. I have to be honest I find it amazing they did and that so many people also do and feel the same way. I don't see what any of you see but rest assured I treasure it with all I can because who am I to argue? To me I'm just some person that does what he does, thinks as he does, and dances as if tomorrow just isn't going to arrive. This manifests into love for me, compliments, and affection, again of which appreciation for can not be properly put into written word but there's that nagging feeling it could be all wasted on yours truly. That is the notion I battle in therapy and what an ongoing struggle it is. Do you guys realize what a pain in the ass it is to be in constant battle with yourself and your own mind? I have to sleep in the same bed as myself on the nights I hate me and I hog the covers, sometimes snore, and worst of all fall asleep with the TV on! GAH! I also always have to have the last word with myself and I can't admit when I'm right or wrong either. Frodo Baggins thought he had it tough with Gollum, he's fucking lucky he never ran into me!!!!
I really do need to get back on track here don't I? I MUST convey what an angel of a person Christina is and how damn lucky I have been to have her in my life as a friend and more importantly as a companion of love. She sees me for all that I am, who I am when I don't even know who&what I am on a regular basis, and she accepts me, faults and all. Admittedly while I have uncovered buried wounds in therapy, I haven't been exactly easy to deal with but she has exhibited patience and understanding full tilt; she deserves the moon. I just hope I can do right by her from this moment on because she's so wonderful and I'm... me for better or worse.
Ultimately as I wrote the last time, at the end of the day where I wind up going, who I am going to become, etc. lies within myself. I have the power as we all do to shape our destinies. It's been an eye opening journey to say least thus far and there's still plenty of work to be done, improvement to be made. I just want to thank all of you for sticking with me and keeping me grounded, remembering what is truly important and just how much good I have right now.
I'll let U2 close this one out:
"With or Without You"
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
Oh...oh...oh...
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
This therapy experiment has unlocked many doors to the thoughts that often leave me feeling incomplete and unworthy of just about anything positive one could conjure up with creativity and some scented markers.. and there lies the problem.. I almost treat it as a high tech video game (soon to be made available on X-Box 360 because I <3 that system now) where I really desire cheat codes to get to the next level until I have full fledged peace of mind and the contentedness I envy so many for having in their lives. But those damn doors never seem to stop unlocking and for every step forward I make in shedding the demons that bring me angst it always appears at the end of each session there's ten steps being taken backward.. some other issue to confront and face down when I don't feel as if I am worth the good doctor's time nor do I often feel I have the strength to be doing so. I am constantly torn between living in the moment, taking it all day by day and looking ahead to the future; Do I really see myself going all the way with this? Will anyone be accepting of who I want to become on a full time basis and if they are at first, what will keep them from changing their minds? After all we're all entitled to do so and that is what scares me the most.
I'll absolutely be the first to concede that deep down I have yet to find a consistent basis of self-esteem. Most souls can awake in the morning feel good about themselves without a single doubt or second thought. Me? I look long and hard into the mirror and engage in a drawn out mental battle that there are things and people worth living for, there is something for me to ultimately discover and leave my mark while I still have the time to. I intend on being remembered by as many people as possible before my death occurs. And this is where Thanksgiving really played a hand in opening up my eyes fully to my surroundings and realizing I have it pretty fucking good all considering.
Thursday I discarded these thoughts and just enjoyed myself. It wasn't hard to considering the yearly traditions at my Mama's were in full force. Her yelling at the television set, once more complaining about the lack of camera time for balloons during the parades (when will she learn those damn liberal networks love to showcase themselves? Charlie Brown be damned!) as I popped in the classic "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" before being besieged with more food than a single person should have to consume if they didn't have the insane metabolism I have. Precious moments that not everyone has the blessing to engage in and that keeps me from looking down the barrel of what would be my weapon of choice if I weren't getting better. My Mama has been the rock behind my recovery and I will never evvvver be able to do enough to repay her. Of course if she was in fact attempting to cook me that day then I will be placing a call to the adoption agency she got me from and wondering just what kind of background checks they employ at that shack! This isn't to say I wouldn't be delicious but come on!
Anyway, that sentimental thinking snowballed into that night when I went to Christina's house for what wound up being meal #2. Here this family gladly accepted my company and really seemed to enjoy it. I have to be honest I find it amazing they did and that so many people also do and feel the same way. I don't see what any of you see but rest assured I treasure it with all I can because who am I to argue? To me I'm just some person that does what he does, thinks as he does, and dances as if tomorrow just isn't going to arrive. This manifests into love for me, compliments, and affection, again of which appreciation for can not be properly put into written word but there's that nagging feeling it could be all wasted on yours truly. That is the notion I battle in therapy and what an ongoing struggle it is. Do you guys realize what a pain in the ass it is to be in constant battle with yourself and your own mind? I have to sleep in the same bed as myself on the nights I hate me and I hog the covers, sometimes snore, and worst of all fall asleep with the TV on! GAH! I also always have to have the last word with myself and I can't admit when I'm right or wrong either. Frodo Baggins thought he had it tough with Gollum, he's fucking lucky he never ran into me!!!!
I really do need to get back on track here don't I? I MUST convey what an angel of a person Christina is and how damn lucky I have been to have her in my life as a friend and more importantly as a companion of love. She sees me for all that I am, who I am when I don't even know who&what I am on a regular basis, and she accepts me, faults and all. Admittedly while I have uncovered buried wounds in therapy, I haven't been exactly easy to deal with but she has exhibited patience and understanding full tilt; she deserves the moon. I just hope I can do right by her from this moment on because she's so wonderful and I'm... me for better or worse.
Ultimately as I wrote the last time, at the end of the day where I wind up going, who I am going to become, etc. lies within myself. I have the power as we all do to shape our destinies. It's been an eye opening journey to say least thus far and there's still plenty of work to be done, improvement to be made. I just want to thank all of you for sticking with me and keeping me grounded, remembering what is truly important and just how much good I have right now.
I'll let U2 close this one out:
"With or Without You"
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
Oh...oh...oh...
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you