(no subject)
Shalom all! Lately I've been reading a book about Mormonism, and I discovered something quite shocking--the Mormons are actually the fucking craziest people you'll ever meet. It's true! For example, look at the Book of Mormon--essentially their bible. I read a bit about it today. Allow me to summarize for you:
So, in the beginning, circa 400 BCE, a virtuous Israelite who just so happens to embody every Mormon value, including having his huge family by many wives, one day decides "Hey, you know what? I have no discernible reason to, and it hasn't been discovered yet, but I'm going to go move to North America. With my entire family. In a boat. A small boat."
So they arrive here, and eventually he passes on leadership of the tribe to his favorite son. But another son was jealous and was like "Yo fuck dat shit, I'm making my own tribe." So there were two tribes--the good guys, the Nephites, and the bad guys, the Lamanites.
But the Lamanites weren't very nice guys, they'd drink and smoke and do drugs and listen to rock 'n' roll music, so one day God got really fed up with them, and decided to turn them all into Native Americans.
Actually, that comes later, but he did make their skin dark.
So then there's a couple of hundred years of tribal warfare, at which point Jesus is born. Then Jesus dies, and after he gets resurrected, he's all like "Hey, why don't I go over to North America and talk to those dudes? OK. Yeah. Sweet." So he goes there, and he talks to the Nephites and the Lamanites, and they stop fighting for a while.
At which point the operating Thetans came and--oh, wait, wrong crazy cult.
So anyway, this society lives in peace for a little while, and they get somewhat advanced, using such animals as horses that weren't introduced to America for another 1400 years, and such metals for their tools as steel that were invented even later. Perhaps their greatest technical achievement was figuring out how to have such a massive, well-advanced civilization of cumulatively millions of people over the years without leaving any evidence, remains, or ruins behind.
Then, after a couple of hundred years, they all become disbelievers and start fighting again. So the Lamanites go attack the Nephites, who are led by this really cool dude named Mormon, hence the name of all the crazy religious whackos who were inspired by this story.
Unfortunately, the Mormons can't fight for shit, so the Lamanites opened a can of whoop-ass on their...erm...asses, and all 230,000 Nephites died.
Then, however, one of the dead Nephites became an angel and 1400 years later decided "Hey, why don't I go write a book about this and give it to a skeevy pedophile con artist named Joseph Smith?"
Oh, and the Lamanites became the Native Americans who we oppress so often. Even though DNA evidence shows that anybody who's crazy enough to even believe that the Native Americans are descended from Israelites to begin with is completely wrong.
And thus comes this story to an end. And now, I'm off to go be productive. Shalom, my friends.
So, in the beginning, circa 400 BCE, a virtuous Israelite who just so happens to embody every Mormon value, including having his huge family by many wives, one day decides "Hey, you know what? I have no discernible reason to, and it hasn't been discovered yet, but I'm going to go move to North America. With my entire family. In a boat. A small boat."
So they arrive here, and eventually he passes on leadership of the tribe to his favorite son. But another son was jealous and was like "Yo fuck dat shit, I'm making my own tribe." So there were two tribes--the good guys, the Nephites, and the bad guys, the Lamanites.
But the Lamanites weren't very nice guys, they'd drink and smoke and do drugs and listen to rock 'n' roll music, so one day God got really fed up with them, and decided to turn them all into Native Americans.
Actually, that comes later, but he did make their skin dark.
So then there's a couple of hundred years of tribal warfare, at which point Jesus is born. Then Jesus dies, and after he gets resurrected, he's all like "Hey, why don't I go over to North America and talk to those dudes? OK. Yeah. Sweet." So he goes there, and he talks to the Nephites and the Lamanites, and they stop fighting for a while.
At which point the operating Thetans came and--oh, wait, wrong crazy cult.
So anyway, this society lives in peace for a little while, and they get somewhat advanced, using such animals as horses that weren't introduced to America for another 1400 years, and such metals for their tools as steel that were invented even later. Perhaps their greatest technical achievement was figuring out how to have such a massive, well-advanced civilization of cumulatively millions of people over the years without leaving any evidence, remains, or ruins behind.
Then, after a couple of hundred years, they all become disbelievers and start fighting again. So the Lamanites go attack the Nephites, who are led by this really cool dude named Mormon, hence the name of all the crazy religious whackos who were inspired by this story.
Unfortunately, the Mormons can't fight for shit, so the Lamanites opened a can of whoop-ass on their...erm...asses, and all 230,000 Nephites died.
Then, however, one of the dead Nephites became an angel and 1400 years later decided "Hey, why don't I go write a book about this and give it to a skeevy pedophile con artist named Joseph Smith?"
Oh, and the Lamanites became the Native Americans who we oppress so often. Even though DNA evidence shows that anybody who's crazy enough to even believe that the Native Americans are descended from Israelites to begin with is completely wrong.
And thus comes this story to an end. And now, I'm off to go be productive. Shalom, my friends.