Loose Ends....
Trying to take the rest of the month... this week... to tie up some loose ends...
SJK Website
Michelle's Website
Getting my Work organized
Moving on from Last month
I feel I need to get them done with week so the last one on my list becomes much easier... its like a messy house... there is too much shit around and on my head to get my head clear and not keep returning to sadness.... It is getting better each day... and each day this week I have gotten up and felt much better emotionally then I have before... but there are days and times still (last night for about an hour, that a conversation or comment will still set me off, I do recover much fast now then oh say ... a month ago... lol... so its better but odd...)
>>>> Start of Rant ... Read at own Risk... :) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I think its the anger that most gets me... I have not been this angry in ages... like want to break things anger... I have always had thing that bother me or that I need to work on ... but I am just still angry from things ages ago that Andrew was trying to tell me that things have moved on and are different a bit last night after I got set off... but he was basically trying to tell me that I need to tell "them" how I feel and explain to them how and why... and this is of course tied into the anger....
I feel that I have, and like Andrew pointed out it was many years ago... and really they might have changed even enough that they might hear it now, when they did not so many years ago... the issue is this... and I know its a self protective thing... but the letter, the images, and the ET Patch, are way too close to how I remember them....
and for those of you that do not know... I lost many years of memories due to meds I had to take from the age of 7 to about 18/9 years of age... because of this I have always had a tremendous anger with out any memories of why at my family, when they took me off the medication... I tried to figure out who my family was... and why I hated them so much... I still really dont know fully why... and still dont trust my feelings about it, which of course makes all this shit harder...
but when they took me off the medication... and I looked at them... I tried to start fresh... I asked my father out to dinner to find out who he was... I had my mom go out with me and my friends to dinners or to hang out to try to do the "different, adult form" of the parent/child relationship... I tried to explain to them I dont remember much... I dont have the connections through memory and shared experiences you did... and so thats why I dont feel like your child any more...
unfortunately it did not meet with what I needed... I was told by my father that I knew everything I needed to know about him already, and my mother told me that I was just trying to replace her by my friends (one of my friends was an older woman about my mothers age that I thought skating to ... she started skating older, and as such, was not like most of my students that are way younger then me, so we formed a friendship, when my mother met her, her only assumption was that I was replacing her with my friend.... ug.... that was another lovely conversation...)
all this being said, at the end of the day, like my letters said, I do want a relationship with them on some level... but at this point in my life... I simply dont, and some of the new anger comes from finding the letter an intrusion into my life... I was literally given an altimadem when I stopped talking to them, and then choose my path...
I find the letter a breach of their altamadem if that makes any sense..... Now this would make me happy if I found anything in the letter that would have said they understand or they finally get it... and Andrew thinks I should give them one more nice explanation of why...
but I have as much as, in some ways, I want to ... I am also still thinking at this point.. FUCK YOU... I tried for several years, and all I was given is your the fucked up one... your the one that needs to come to us... (yes very italian)
the fact that they even wrote the letter at this point in time, really, should have told them my answer to their letter already... and perhaps in the end, that will be my answer...
Like the package from italy ages ago, that my family, did not even open and simply sent back... I think I should have taken a lesson from that and did just that, no open it and simply sent it back...
In the end screaming at them, talking to them, or trying again, feels like a lost effort... and feels like it will be more for them then me, for I feel I will never get from them what I want or wanted which is why I walked away the first time....
I guess getting the package is like, should I give them another change, the letter did not make me want to... and perhaps thats the bigger lesson here and perhaps thats also why I am sooooooo fuck-en angry still ....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>End of Rant >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
also later will be posting images of my new play toy...
It will help get me out of the house and will allow me and drew to play more and do things that I love more...
SJK Website
Michelle's Website
Getting my Work organized
Moving on from Last month
I feel I need to get them done with week so the last one on my list becomes much easier... its like a messy house... there is too much shit around and on my head to get my head clear and not keep returning to sadness.... It is getting better each day... and each day this week I have gotten up and felt much better emotionally then I have before... but there are days and times still (last night for about an hour, that a conversation or comment will still set me off, I do recover much fast now then oh say ... a month ago... lol... so its better but odd...)
>>>> Start of Rant ... Read at own Risk... :) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I think its the anger that most gets me... I have not been this angry in ages... like want to break things anger... I have always had thing that bother me or that I need to work on ... but I am just still angry from things ages ago that Andrew was trying to tell me that things have moved on and are different a bit last night after I got set off... but he was basically trying to tell me that I need to tell "them" how I feel and explain to them how and why... and this is of course tied into the anger....
I feel that I have, and like Andrew pointed out it was many years ago... and really they might have changed even enough that they might hear it now, when they did not so many years ago... the issue is this... and I know its a self protective thing... but the letter, the images, and the ET Patch, are way too close to how I remember them....
and for those of you that do not know... I lost many years of memories due to meds I had to take from the age of 7 to about 18/9 years of age... because of this I have always had a tremendous anger with out any memories of why at my family, when they took me off the medication... I tried to figure out who my family was... and why I hated them so much... I still really dont know fully why... and still dont trust my feelings about it, which of course makes all this shit harder...
but when they took me off the medication... and I looked at them... I tried to start fresh... I asked my father out to dinner to find out who he was... I had my mom go out with me and my friends to dinners or to hang out to try to do the "different, adult form" of the parent/child relationship... I tried to explain to them I dont remember much... I dont have the connections through memory and shared experiences you did... and so thats why I dont feel like your child any more...
unfortunately it did not meet with what I needed... I was told by my father that I knew everything I needed to know about him already, and my mother told me that I was just trying to replace her by my friends (one of my friends was an older woman about my mothers age that I thought skating to ... she started skating older, and as such, was not like most of my students that are way younger then me, so we formed a friendship, when my mother met her, her only assumption was that I was replacing her with my friend.... ug.... that was another lovely conversation...)
all this being said, at the end of the day, like my letters said, I do want a relationship with them on some level... but at this point in my life... I simply dont, and some of the new anger comes from finding the letter an intrusion into my life... I was literally given an altimadem when I stopped talking to them, and then choose my path...
I find the letter a breach of their altamadem if that makes any sense..... Now this would make me happy if I found anything in the letter that would have said they understand or they finally get it... and Andrew thinks I should give them one more nice explanation of why...
but I have as much as, in some ways, I want to ... I am also still thinking at this point.. FUCK YOU... I tried for several years, and all I was given is your the fucked up one... your the one that needs to come to us... (yes very italian)
the fact that they even wrote the letter at this point in time, really, should have told them my answer to their letter already... and perhaps in the end, that will be my answer...
Like the package from italy ages ago, that my family, did not even open and simply sent back... I think I should have taken a lesson from that and did just that, no open it and simply sent it back...
In the end screaming at them, talking to them, or trying again, feels like a lost effort... and feels like it will be more for them then me, for I feel I will never get from them what I want or wanted which is why I walked away the first time....
I guess getting the package is like, should I give them another change, the letter did not make me want to... and perhaps thats the bigger lesson here and perhaps thats also why I am sooooooo fuck-en angry still ....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>End of Rant >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
also later will be posting images of my new play toy...
It will help get me out of the house and will allow me and drew to play more and do things that I love more...