couples_therapy 5.1 - Lie.
The only time I can recall lying to Doug was when I had to break up with him. And by that I mean I had to. It was part of my job. I was going undercover, going to spy on and betray the Brotherhood, my family and friends. I lied to them too, but it all started with the lie to Doug.
I told him I couldn't do it. That, with my work, I couldn't do the whole committed relationship thing. That it was too difficult to balance work and a relationship with him. And I did something wrong, that wasn't a lie, to push him away so hard that he didn't want to be with me anymore.
And I told him I didn't want a committed relationship with him.
That right there, that was the lie. Because it's always been about him, wanting him. I did what I did because I wanted to give him freedom and I wanted to keep him safe. I thought it would be better for him without me, even though it hurt like a son of a bitch.
I talked to him, just the other day, about that lie. Told him it was a lie, and why. Then I told him exactly what I did want - I want him. Always have. We talked it through, and I thought it was going to be a moment of closure for us. That we could both finally move on.
I started out with this comm as a single man, recently broken up from my boyfriend. But, what do you know? We talked it through. It wasn't closure, it was... well, yes, moving on, but working it through so we can do it together. We're trying again. We're starting from scratch, going slow, all those things to try to make a stable, committed relationship. There's going to be a lot to work through, I think, but... it's what I want, and thankfully, what he wants too. (I'm assuming.)
And I won't lie to him again. Not like that, not any way. I promise, Doug. And maybe my word isn't what it used to be, after all we've been through the last couple months, after everything I did, but I will make it up to you.
I told him I couldn't do it. That, with my work, I couldn't do the whole committed relationship thing. That it was too difficult to balance work and a relationship with him. And I did something wrong, that wasn't a lie, to push him away so hard that he didn't want to be with me anymore.
And I told him I didn't want a committed relationship with him.
That right there, that was the lie. Because it's always been about him, wanting him. I did what I did because I wanted to give him freedom and I wanted to keep him safe. I thought it would be better for him without me, even though it hurt like a son of a bitch.
I talked to him, just the other day, about that lie. Told him it was a lie, and why. Then I told him exactly what I did want - I want him. Always have. We talked it through, and I thought it was going to be a moment of closure for us. That we could both finally move on.
I started out with this comm as a single man, recently broken up from my boyfriend. But, what do you know? We talked it through. It wasn't closure, it was... well, yes, moving on, but working it through so we can do it together. We're trying again. We're starting from scratch, going slow, all those things to try to make a stable, committed relationship. There's going to be a lot to work through, I think, but... it's what I want, and thankfully, what he wants too. (I'm assuming.)
And I won't lie to him again. Not like that, not any way. I promise, Doug. And maybe my word isn't what it used to be, after all we've been through the last couple months, after everything I did, but I will make it up to you.