My plan to improve the World Cup
First, I'd like to address the obvious: yes, I'm writing an article based on the World Cup and dusting this off as a shameless grab for attention given the current cultural climate, even though I would sooner cut off my foot, stick it over an open flame, fry it in honey mustard sauce and serve it with a lovely summer salad than ever watch the damn thing. In my parents' bedroom, next to a basket of clothes, is a neatly folded St George's Cross flag, and I am currently mulling over whether or not I should use it as a wanking flannel - partly because if you do it right nothing will show up, partly because it's a really boring flag (a red cross on white? Really? Is this the best design we can come up with?), and partly because I'm getting tired of this pretense of patriotism and heroism surrounding football.
Footballers are not heroes. They are also not champions, or lions, or legends, or whatever name they're being given nowadays. They are multimillionaires being payed ludicrous amounts of money to kick a piece of fabric amongst each other while scuffing up a very expensive lawn. Similarly, people are prepared to pay through the nose to travel across the country, and indeed the world, just to watch. I don't get it, I really don't. I've been racking my magnificent brain trying to think of a valid reason to enjoy it, but nothing seems to come up. Maybe this is just years of PE and Games lessons creating layers upon layers of resentment like a misanthropic baker assembling a wedding cake of misery, but I don't see the appeal.
Actually, I think I figured it out. It's because all football fans, without exception, are nerds. Yes, it's true, think about it. Here's a basic checklist of what makes a nerd (and I do mean basic):
If this sounds like I'm lambasting it, that's probably my fault. Millions seem to enjoy it, so clearly I'm missing out. And I can't fault something that brings a whole country together (for the most part). My problem lies in this false idyll of "patriotism", that these men are doing some noble deed on behalf of the nation, when really all they're doing is having a jolly old sporting match. It just seems too over-the-top.
Which brings me to the point of my article: a plan to reinvent the World Cup so it can inspire true patriotism. It's simple: turn it into a tournament where the nations of the world duke it out in giant fighting robots over who gets to rule the world for the next four years. This works on a number of levels: giant fighting robots are something everyone loves, something that anyone can look at and go, "Fucking metal". Second, this makes literal sense of the title "World Cup"; it's a battle over the ownership of the world. As such, this creates a genuine bond of patriotism: people will become more attached, if only as a way of making prospective partnerships for increased chances of survival in the event the winner turns out to be a despotic madman and has everyone digging for gold in the Brecon Beacons. And third, because it would be so, SO much more spectacular to watch. Giants of steel and light decking each other with lightsabres and BFGs? That would be worthy of being broadcast in 3D.
There are only two downsides: we cannot invite North Korea on the chance they're packing nuclear heat (but then they live in a bubble, so they may not notice), and there's always the chance Japan have been building a working life-size Gundam and will proceed to kick everyone's arses with ease. I'll give it till, ooh, 2035 for my vision to become reality.
Footballers are not heroes. They are also not champions, or lions, or legends, or whatever name they're being given nowadays. They are multimillionaires being payed ludicrous amounts of money to kick a piece of fabric amongst each other while scuffing up a very expensive lawn. Similarly, people are prepared to pay through the nose to travel across the country, and indeed the world, just to watch. I don't get it, I really don't. I've been racking my magnificent brain trying to think of a valid reason to enjoy it, but nothing seems to come up. Maybe this is just years of PE and Games lessons creating layers upon layers of resentment like a misanthropic baker assembling a wedding cake of misery, but I don't see the appeal.
Actually, I think I figured it out. It's because all football fans, without exception, are nerds. Yes, it's true, think about it. Here's a basic checklist of what makes a nerd (and I do mean basic):
- They buy any and all pieces of merchandise related to their chosen passion.
- They dress up like their favourite characters.
- They attend gatherings along with fellow enthusiasts to discuss their enthusiasm.
- They have fantasy matches arguing over which of their favourite characters would win in a fight.
- They traditionally occupy their select groups and are usually in bitter opposition to their rivals.
If this sounds like I'm lambasting it, that's probably my fault. Millions seem to enjoy it, so clearly I'm missing out. And I can't fault something that brings a whole country together (for the most part). My problem lies in this false idyll of "patriotism", that these men are doing some noble deed on behalf of the nation, when really all they're doing is having a jolly old sporting match. It just seems too over-the-top.
Which brings me to the point of my article: a plan to reinvent the World Cup so it can inspire true patriotism. It's simple: turn it into a tournament where the nations of the world duke it out in giant fighting robots over who gets to rule the world for the next four years. This works on a number of levels: giant fighting robots are something everyone loves, something that anyone can look at and go, "Fucking metal". Second, this makes literal sense of the title "World Cup"; it's a battle over the ownership of the world. As such, this creates a genuine bond of patriotism: people will become more attached, if only as a way of making prospective partnerships for increased chances of survival in the event the winner turns out to be a despotic madman and has everyone digging for gold in the Brecon Beacons. And third, because it would be so, SO much more spectacular to watch. Giants of steel and light decking each other with lightsabres and BFGs? That would be worthy of being broadcast in 3D.
There are only two downsides: we cannot invite North Korea on the chance they're packing nuclear heat (but then they live in a bubble, so they may not notice), and there's always the chance Japan have been building a working life-size Gundam and will proceed to kick everyone's arses with ease. I'll give it till, ooh, 2035 for my vision to become reality.