Examining my religion
As a woman of faith, trying to understand what makes me tick here.
In the worst of times, when existence has seemed harder than I can bear, there's always been an irreducible core of strength deep down that has somehow kept me going. The essence of faith is being in touch with this something in me that won't quit being positive no matter what. I guess that's where it all comes from. The rest is stories I tell myself to account for what it's doing there.
Mythology of the Goddess has a similar effect on me as poetry that I really love. Poetry uses metaphor to draw imaginal connections between different realms. Enough connections like this can literally knit together the fabric of one's experience of the world. For a coherent sense of one's place in existence, which I think is central to anyone's well-being. Contemporary Paganism offers the best sort of poetic experience, the sort that works for me the best.
For example, a book titled The Great Cosmic Mother by Monica Sjöö draws an analogy of the planet Earth and its oceans which were the original habitat of life, and the amniotic fluid of pregnancy which provides a warm marine environment to bring forth new life. In a real sense motherhood replicates the origin of life on Earth. I don't know what value this insight might have in the realm of hard science. Treated as a poetic metaphor, it offers me a rich sense of interconnection between macrocosm and microcosm--which was also the intent of many religions in ancient times, like Hermeticism or Pythagoreanism. I agree with Starhawk about relating to the Goddess not as a transcendent deity but as the life of the whole world we live in, this precious fragile biosphere.
My faith doesn't rely on a personification of deity, but often I like to personify the Goddess, again as a poetic metaphor that speaks to me on a deep level. The names of Allat, Cybele, Inanna, Asherah, Isis, Nuit, Durga, Kali, Demeter, Hecate and others are connected with these feelings of interconnectedness with the origin of life, and the plainest way to summarize these feelings is to say "Mother Goddess." These feelings comfort me and make me stronger to deal with the challenges of life, and to feel happy to be alive.
The happy, peaceful feeling I get in praying to the Goddess is also found in the vibrant feminine life energy that I feel within me. I really don't differentiate between my experience of the Goddess as a deity and the feeling of feminine vitality (Tantric shakti) that animates me. Such a fine blessing of Tantric yoga--to focus awareness on this sexy energy of aliveness within me and know that I own it.
I've read lots of atheist arguments that make perfectly good sense to me and it's easy for me to see from their point of view. I tend to strongly agree with atheists about protesting the abuses that religion inflicts on human beings. I'm very sensitive to the abusiveness institutionalized throughout the world, and I think religions should be held to account for this to a large extent.
Nevertheless, my brain functions in such a way that I live every day in an ongoing religious experience. I take this as a gift, a talent. Other people have other talents, I wound up with this one, so let me enjoy it. It seems that the neurons at certain areas of my brain fire in a way that makes it easy for me to interpret reality in religious terms, and also to enjoy spiritual experiences. Clearly, this is what keeps me from being atheist. I have no problem accepting that other people's brains don't work like mine. No wonder I have been drawn to ecstatic traditions like Sufism, Gallae, Reclaiming, and Feri. It's like I'm wired for religious ecstasy.
I try to build a religion for myself that won't perpetrate the abuses I see in other religions. Contemporary Paganism affords the best scope for this. In Reclaiming Witchcraft I've seen how a nonhierarchical community can organize itself by consensus, in a completely transparent process that includes everyone. I think it would be beneficial to humanity if this caught on, as an antidote to authoritarianism and its abuses. That's a big part of why I like being Pagan.
The other important thing for me is that this is the most queer-friendly religion ever. Being queer means I walk edges and learn skills for transforming my existence and expanding my awareness. Being a queer Pagan means my faith community values these skills instead of trashing them.
My weird existence feels intensely bittersweet; to feel and embrace my life with all its joys and pain together is identical with my experience of the near presence of the Goddess.
There are two things occurring together:
1) A feeling of being surrounded and flooded with overwhelming love. This is often accompanied by a sensation in the chest that feels physical.
2) The interpretation that a person's imaginal power can give to this feeling of a loving presence. A Christian, feeling the same effect that I do, would experience it as Jesus; a Vaiṣṇavi would experience it as Kṛṣṇa; I happen to experience it as the Goddess. I wonder--would it be possible to experience the feeling alone without giving it a religious interpretation? All I know is for me, that's pretty much what religion is.
To feel the pain of existence is to be receptive to love, comfort, and healing. inna ma‘a al-‘usri yusra 'After hardship comes ease'. I don't know why it has to be painful, but anyway the pain part of my life isn't an isolated cul de sac, it has connections that open out to healing and joy. Sometimes I can just watch energy transforming from pain through healing into joy in pretty rippling waves, like shimmering prismatic bands of color shifting and transforming into one another. As Rumi said,
az mohabbat dord ha safi shavad
az mohabbat dard ha shafi shavad
'By love, dregs become clear wine;
By love, pains become healing'.
Right on, Rumi.
The practice of my religion is mostly just saying thanks for having my heart opened to so many joys in life. I experience the presence of the Goddess in every act of compassion between beings, everywhere I go. Feeling and expressing gratitude is the best way I know to keep good things happening for my spirit. My prayer is pretty much "Thank you, Goddess." I don't have much more to add after that; that just about says it all.
It sounds way simple, but it expresses for me a new sensitivity far more deeply tuned into blessedness and beauty than I'd ever known before. Tenderness of emotions, interconnection of hearts, and exquisitely rich textures of existence are now unfolding in my soul like never before through the magick of love. These gifts of maturing womanhood fill me with awe at how precious every conscious moment of life is. From here springs the desire to share this with others by extending the compassion that's been given to me when I needed it. To keep making connections with others and sharing the love, bringing more spiritual gifts back in by a positive feedback loop.
This awareness fills my life with such meaning that by realizing it to the full I may be able to leave this life without feeling I've wasted it. This being one of the main urges that religion aims to satisfy, my personal religion seems to be working.
In the worst of times, when existence has seemed harder than I can bear, there's always been an irreducible core of strength deep down that has somehow kept me going. The essence of faith is being in touch with this something in me that won't quit being positive no matter what. I guess that's where it all comes from. The rest is stories I tell myself to account for what it's doing there.
Mythology of the Goddess has a similar effect on me as poetry that I really love. Poetry uses metaphor to draw imaginal connections between different realms. Enough connections like this can literally knit together the fabric of one's experience of the world. For a coherent sense of one's place in existence, which I think is central to anyone's well-being. Contemporary Paganism offers the best sort of poetic experience, the sort that works for me the best.
For example, a book titled The Great Cosmic Mother by Monica Sjöö draws an analogy of the planet Earth and its oceans which were the original habitat of life, and the amniotic fluid of pregnancy which provides a warm marine environment to bring forth new life. In a real sense motherhood replicates the origin of life on Earth. I don't know what value this insight might have in the realm of hard science. Treated as a poetic metaphor, it offers me a rich sense of interconnection between macrocosm and microcosm--which was also the intent of many religions in ancient times, like Hermeticism or Pythagoreanism. I agree with Starhawk about relating to the Goddess not as a transcendent deity but as the life of the whole world we live in, this precious fragile biosphere.
My faith doesn't rely on a personification of deity, but often I like to personify the Goddess, again as a poetic metaphor that speaks to me on a deep level. The names of Allat, Cybele, Inanna, Asherah, Isis, Nuit, Durga, Kali, Demeter, Hecate and others are connected with these feelings of interconnectedness with the origin of life, and the plainest way to summarize these feelings is to say "Mother Goddess." These feelings comfort me and make me stronger to deal with the challenges of life, and to feel happy to be alive.
The happy, peaceful feeling I get in praying to the Goddess is also found in the vibrant feminine life energy that I feel within me. I really don't differentiate between my experience of the Goddess as a deity and the feeling of feminine vitality (Tantric shakti) that animates me. Such a fine blessing of Tantric yoga--to focus awareness on this sexy energy of aliveness within me and know that I own it.
I've read lots of atheist arguments that make perfectly good sense to me and it's easy for me to see from their point of view. I tend to strongly agree with atheists about protesting the abuses that religion inflicts on human beings. I'm very sensitive to the abusiveness institutionalized throughout the world, and I think religions should be held to account for this to a large extent.
Nevertheless, my brain functions in such a way that I live every day in an ongoing religious experience. I take this as a gift, a talent. Other people have other talents, I wound up with this one, so let me enjoy it. It seems that the neurons at certain areas of my brain fire in a way that makes it easy for me to interpret reality in religious terms, and also to enjoy spiritual experiences. Clearly, this is what keeps me from being atheist. I have no problem accepting that other people's brains don't work like mine. No wonder I have been drawn to ecstatic traditions like Sufism, Gallae, Reclaiming, and Feri. It's like I'm wired for religious ecstasy.
I try to build a religion for myself that won't perpetrate the abuses I see in other religions. Contemporary Paganism affords the best scope for this. In Reclaiming Witchcraft I've seen how a nonhierarchical community can organize itself by consensus, in a completely transparent process that includes everyone. I think it would be beneficial to humanity if this caught on, as an antidote to authoritarianism and its abuses. That's a big part of why I like being Pagan.
The other important thing for me is that this is the most queer-friendly religion ever. Being queer means I walk edges and learn skills for transforming my existence and expanding my awareness. Being a queer Pagan means my faith community values these skills instead of trashing them.
My weird existence feels intensely bittersweet; to feel and embrace my life with all its joys and pain together is identical with my experience of the near presence of the Goddess.
There are two things occurring together:
1) A feeling of being surrounded and flooded with overwhelming love. This is often accompanied by a sensation in the chest that feels physical.
2) The interpretation that a person's imaginal power can give to this feeling of a loving presence. A Christian, feeling the same effect that I do, would experience it as Jesus; a Vaiṣṇavi would experience it as Kṛṣṇa; I happen to experience it as the Goddess. I wonder--would it be possible to experience the feeling alone without giving it a religious interpretation? All I know is for me, that's pretty much what religion is.
To feel the pain of existence is to be receptive to love, comfort, and healing. inna ma‘a al-‘usri yusra 'After hardship comes ease'. I don't know why it has to be painful, but anyway the pain part of my life isn't an isolated cul de sac, it has connections that open out to healing and joy. Sometimes I can just watch energy transforming from pain through healing into joy in pretty rippling waves, like shimmering prismatic bands of color shifting and transforming into one another. As Rumi said,
az mohabbat dord ha safi shavad
az mohabbat dard ha shafi shavad
'By love, dregs become clear wine;
By love, pains become healing'.
Right on, Rumi.
The practice of my religion is mostly just saying thanks for having my heart opened to so many joys in life. I experience the presence of the Goddess in every act of compassion between beings, everywhere I go. Feeling and expressing gratitude is the best way I know to keep good things happening for my spirit. My prayer is pretty much "Thank you, Goddess." I don't have much more to add after that; that just about says it all.
It sounds way simple, but it expresses for me a new sensitivity far more deeply tuned into blessedness and beauty than I'd ever known before. Tenderness of emotions, interconnection of hearts, and exquisitely rich textures of existence are now unfolding in my soul like never before through the magick of love. These gifts of maturing womanhood fill me with awe at how precious every conscious moment of life is. From here springs the desire to share this with others by extending the compassion that's been given to me when I needed it. To keep making connections with others and sharing the love, bringing more spiritual gifts back in by a positive feedback loop.
This awareness fills my life with such meaning that by realizing it to the full I may be able to leave this life without feeling I've wasted it. This being one of the main urges that religion aims to satisfy, my personal religion seems to be working.