quick candids from this weekend.
I'm not done typing up my trip notes yet, but just to touch base, here's some thoughts on the more recent present.
As much as I resent that my life was referred to as "a made for tv movie/after school special" twice yesterday, I am quite happy to be the proud barer of happy endings and pg-13 ratings for a change.
Having my environmentalist friends, strongest love interest, roommate’s republican friends, their associates, our usual social circle of sexually ambiguous fine arts and classics majors and Simran in the same living space definitely made for some interesting moments. I am excited to report however, that 99.9% of them were good ones.
During the largest accumulation of people that my room has ever seen, Amanda called to say she might come back next year, and I all but burst in to tears (I actually did after everyone left, I think Adam caught the brunt of that).
Having Dave and Adam in my presence at the same time, just sitting on the couch chatting as if it were an everyday occurrence felt as though someone were handing me the one thing that I wanted yet dare not ask for. I wish I felt that I had earned such loving people, perhaps it would help shake the feeling that they will all suddenly be pulled away.
At the risk of sounding as angsty as usual and even more ironic, the last time I felt so lucky was at my sisters funeral. Watching all my friends around me, and particularly Rachel hugging Paul in front of the limousine, something that I had never ever expected to see...I thought to myself, if Tali were still alive I would be the luckiest person on earth. I found that true again this weekend, so much so that I wanted to laugh and burst in to tears simultaneously, at almost every moment.
One question though, why is it that I can be cornered in a club or pinned up against a wall and not flinch, feel unquestionably in control. Whereas, a boy can cook me dinner, put his hand on my shoulder and tell me that he's desperately in love with me, and I freak out and need to run. If you know a repair shop where I might fix this small defect, feel free to let me know.
I feel so very alive.
As much as I resent that my life was referred to as "a made for tv movie/after school special" twice yesterday, I am quite happy to be the proud barer of happy endings and pg-13 ratings for a change.
Having my environmentalist friends, strongest love interest, roommate’s republican friends, their associates, our usual social circle of sexually ambiguous fine arts and classics majors and Simran in the same living space definitely made for some interesting moments. I am excited to report however, that 99.9% of them were good ones.
During the largest accumulation of people that my room has ever seen, Amanda called to say she might come back next year, and I all but burst in to tears (I actually did after everyone left, I think Adam caught the brunt of that).
Having Dave and Adam in my presence at the same time, just sitting on the couch chatting as if it were an everyday occurrence felt as though someone were handing me the one thing that I wanted yet dare not ask for. I wish I felt that I had earned such loving people, perhaps it would help shake the feeling that they will all suddenly be pulled away.
At the risk of sounding as angsty as usual and even more ironic, the last time I felt so lucky was at my sisters funeral. Watching all my friends around me, and particularly Rachel hugging Paul in front of the limousine, something that I had never ever expected to see...I thought to myself, if Tali were still alive I would be the luckiest person on earth. I found that true again this weekend, so much so that I wanted to laugh and burst in to tears simultaneously, at almost every moment.
One question though, why is it that I can be cornered in a club or pinned up against a wall and not flinch, feel unquestionably in control. Whereas, a boy can cook me dinner, put his hand on my shoulder and tell me that he's desperately in love with me, and I freak out and need to run. If you know a repair shop where I might fix this small defect, feel free to let me know.
I feel so very alive.