Journal excerpts from trip I
01/01/04
Dear ****,
I am currently still in the airplane & the screen in front of me indicates that it is somewhere about 2:00 am here. “Here” is somewhere near where France borders the Atlantic ocean, flying straight towards Geneva and Milan, מילנו & ז'נבה , as the screen shows. Our estimated arrival time is 12:35 pm so there is still a good amount of time until arrival. However, with the time difference at this point I am having trouble deciphering whether we have four hours remaining or 8.
So far the experience has been alright though a little frustrating (this is not really the word I was looking for but the right one fails me). My parents were wonderful about getting me to the airport on time, and my mom even awoke early to drive me to a camera store and buy me film for the trip (which I had been freaking out about. I had forgotten that stores close early new years eve and open late new years day and I had not planned accordingly). She and my father have also helped me in preparation for this trip, something which I feel horribly guilty and simultaneously grateful for. In addition to taking care of my passport fees ($145 right there), they bought me new sneakers for the trip, a Discman as a Hanukah present (I dropped mine in the darkroom last month and haven’t had the money to replace it) and they also requested that I give them the receipts for all other Israel-related expenses such as the skirts I bought for Shabbat, toiletries, etc. I am painfully aware that my family cannot afford such generosity and are placing themselves even further in debt in order to do this for me. As I strive to be the smallest financial burden to them possible, it is extremely difficult for me to accept such kindness on their part. I feel as though I am being handed money that I have not earned by people who cannot afford to give it to me. At the same time, my father insists that it is to be able to do these things for his family that he works. The fact that most of his salary goes to paying down credit card debt and malpractice insurance he says is unfortunate but not the goal. I love him for this but it does not change the fact that he is over $200,000 in debt with current living expenses totaling double his present income.
I am tempted to digress even further into my other thoughts on financial matters, my growing concerns pertaining to career choices that will effect future financial status; realizations that although I do not require much to live on myself I have a growing desire to pull my parents out of debt -something which I will clearly never be able to do as a magazine photographer but perhaps more practically as a lawyer; increasing fears that my father will die still trying to climb his way out or else of an early heart attack from the stress of it like my grandfather did…however these thoughts are tiring and will go on infinitely if given the chance.
I can see the city lights of what I think is Italy below me, and the world suddenly feels larger somehow. I wonder what and who awaits there if I choose it for my semester next year. As versatile as I find myself, the chameleon of social situation, the truth is that I have always chosen for the most part environments which I was sure I could handle. I have found my niche most places that I have been, however I have also recognized each situation as familiar, something I had succeeded in previously, merely altered. When I imagine life in another country though, there is no degree of familiarity in my mind to cling to. I have literally not a clue what to expect, and this is terrifying.
The sky has begun to brighten here, making 4 hours, not 8, the correct distance away. I believe that watching morning come from the sky is my favorite moment. I am glad that you are, in a sense, with me for it.
I digress again. I meant to speak of my trip thus far. I arrived at the airport the required 3 hours early, and Dave had already been there for 2. The airport was absolutely flooded with college age students leaving on various Birthright or Hillel trips and that amount of Jewish geography going on was insane. Everywhere you hear, “Oh my G-d, you went to Schechter? Which one? Do you know…”. Straight off, I ran into four people I knew, two from Abrams and one from Akiba, not including Dave. One of them, Anat, is one of the 40 on my trip. There was also pretty intense security and though that was to be expected, flying as often as I do I was a little taken aback to find check in so much more serious than all the times I flew nationally. There were armed soldiers everywhere circling the premises, and though they were there for my safety, seeing those huge guns just never does much to make me feel safer.
In any case, I, who had been too preoccupied with Naomi’s college stuff to give my trip to Israel even a second thought, was now completely over-stimulated with the reality of it. I would love to tell you that I rose to the occasion, I definitely retreated into myself. The check in people talked to me in frantic Hebrew way below my comprehension level, yet I still stood there stupidly until they began speaking English, my face now beat red I’m sure (as she had asked me only moments before if I had spoken Hebrew and I had told her yes).
Further more, I was immediately consumed with a hatred of the Jewish youth social scene, the Hillel/USY/Day School kids that 9 out of 10 times seem to fall into one of two categories (obviously Jappy, or “I have money but I’m going to look like a dirty hippy and grow a huge fro’ and listen to all Phish and Dave Matthews Band”) and always seem to be on the prowl for ass during Jewish social events.
I apologize. I realize I am being horribly judgmental. My group has 40 kids on it, who have been nothing but nice yet I insist on writing them off before the trip has even started. It really is uncalled for.
I just glanced out the window to see the snow capped mountains. The map in front of me would suggest that these are the Maritime Alps or, האלפים ימיים. So beautiful.
In any case, I mingled politely with people who reminded me relentlessly of high school, all the time wishing I was just going with friends. Then we got on the plane, and Dave and my seats could not have been farther apart. He was in one of the first sections and I was the very last row in the back of the plane. This girl, a group leader for one of the other trips asked what trip I was on. When I told her, she nodded and said that it looks as though my group had been spread throughout the plane. Her group was all around me however, and she asked if she could switch seats with me so that she could get to know them. Well it didn’t matter to me, so I said sure. What she didn’t mention though, was that her seat was in the only section of the plane not occupied by college students, thus putting me next to an old Israeli couple who keep looking at me and then back at each other. They are also extremely preoccupied with what I am doing at any given moment, “shouldn’t you turn a light on to write, shouldn’t you pull down your tray? Why are you watching TV with no sound, look your headphones are right here!” I actually think they mean it in a nice way. They seem to have decided that I have never flown before and am more than a little moronic about the whole thing. However, their expressions are so stern that it is hard to tell, and overall they are not the best company.
Though, I have noticed that the man and woman have the exact same habits. How they eat their food, the tapping they do when they’re restless and the way they occasionally swing their feet out in front of them and look down as if checking to see that their toes are still there. As if I needed another fear about marriage.
Since the plane is way too crowded to merit much walking around, I have spent the whole of this trip in my seat, apart from Dave except for when he came over to say goodnight.
I fear that spending my first day on this trip alone has only fed my tendency to sink back into my own head. I keep telling myself that once the actual trip begins I will make a valiant attempt at being social despite the fact that it is becoming less and less my nature. Can I help it though, if I am merely content looking out this window for 13 hours? The sky passing is just so much more beautiful than people sometimes.
One thing though, the couple next to me has just returned to cuddling and the husband is giving the wife a foot rub. They look like they’re in their late 50’s to early 60’s. I guess marriage isn’t all bad.
Anyways, I’m going to end it here and try to nap some more before breakfast. I love you tremendously and will right you again before the trip has ended. Take care ****.
Love,
Joanie