(no subject)
Losing your job to ONE younger guy is hard enough, but you know, I realized on the bench that not only did it happen with Auldy, it happened with Kipper too - in Kentucky.
Hey, losing jobs is not just for training camp, now - we have playoffs and regular season and oh, my favorite, draft day.
I am not upset at being benched. Okay, I AM - but like I told reporters this past week, if Auldy gets the start, he gets the start. I will not scream and throw things or sob or whatever. And I have not. As long as we win. Anything for the W. We did NOT win but that was not so much Auldy's fault I do not think, from the bench that I see.
What I guess I am upset about is how Crawford is handling this whole thing. Hey Marc, why don't you just rip me up in the papers again? Because I LOVED it when you did that. Do it again - tell reporters what you told me in our little meeting, what you REALLY told me, not your happy good faith bullshit I KNOW you spouted off. How you have zero faith in me, and how you have no long-term plans for me, and how the team does not trust me? That last one was my favorite. But keep being a good soldier, Heddie, you do just fine on the bench.
Fuck you.
Yes I understand that is Crawford's style. But I do not appreciate being called demeaning names, especially when shit is out of my hands. You want to know why I am shaky? Look at how much you play me. I am not a totally ideal backup; I CAN come off the bench and be solid, I am a good happy bencher who does not have an attitude and fosters competition. But I am NOT one of those guys who can play spectacular after weeks of sitting and rotting. Not many guys can do that. And not me either. Maybe if you played me as much as you promised...
And hey, was I really that bad? I thought my first game was pretty solid. My second game...not the best, but the whole team effort was not the best. I do not think I crumbled, or crashed. Three goals.
Then there is the fact that neither Auldy nor me knew what the hell was going on as late as this afternoon. Always a good time.
Oh, the fact that I know my coach harbors some odd, strange, incomprehensible minor dislike for me does not help either.
And I get yanked. Fine. Is just fine. I just...I do not even know how to explain what I feel right now, especially knowing I will probably never get another chance to redeem myself. Auldy is going to play the rest of the way until, if, Clouts gets back - and good for him, he deserves it - but...
But.
The view from the bench is pretty painful.