Everyone have a loser in them
Today is such a bad day. Apart from this afternoon.
I spent the whole day being sad about absolutely nothing. I went to sleep sad, I slept, I woke up sad. It's fucking stupid. I think it's because I started thinking too much about everything that is happening around.
We were talking about child centric work in class yesterday and it really got me thinking about almost everything that was at the back to my mind all these while. And I felt a universal sadness, I felt powerless, I felt that there was nothing that I could do, and I felt all these, even as I know this is not how I should be feeling. It didn't help that my next seminar in the evening was a discussion about corporate social responsibility. It angered me that no one wields any real power because it's the collective individuals that can actually make an impact, but how are we going to make way for this group of collective individuals. Would I do it? No I wouldn't. Then who would? I felt so bare because it certainly felt like nothing I do can make a difference. I was particularly disappointed that the class ended with no solutions and no answers. We're always seeking for answers, whether we need it or not. Maybe that was the point of the professor, to enrage me, to make me a thinking individual.
Every Wednesday night, I'll be especially happy. I get to see kids every Wednesday. And they really brighten up my day no matter how gloomy the day was. But when I start thinking again, it feels like a knife piercing through my heart. There is this hopeful glimmer in each of their eyes and it really pains me to imagine what any of them have been through. So even while I'm outwardly happy, this tiny piece of me is overcoming an overwhelming sensation. And no one knows of this. Who would think that beneath my brutal jovial and blunt exterior is a thinking soul. Maybe this is why I'm doing what I'm doing. Maybe this is my calling. I've never felt for anyone, any group of people as strongly as I am feeling. I've been hearing so much of the nasty case studies and every case serves as a knife piercing through my soul. I feel as though... I have a personal responsibility towards these people. And what I've been learning, I know I can make a difference.
So this afternoon, I was with my tk friends. Being with them reminds me of who I am, who I was, and everything in between. Sometimes, I really wished that I have a few of them with me in university. Things would be so much easier. I wouldn't even have to make new friends. I would have made decisions that were so much wiser, join stuff that I would enjoy so much more. I feel so much more comfortable with these people. I can say what I want without having to worry about anything. I wouldn't have to worry about them being sensitive or offended because these people are my friends. You see, it's a straightforward as this. We don't talk about principles, theories or reciprocity. We do things together because we are friends. Or maybe it's just me and my warped perception about everything around. I think I'm just a sucker for familiarity.
And A level results today. I wished I could have done more. I wished that I could have said something more impactful. I wished that I could have made a positive difference. I wished that I was around more to talk about anything and everything. I wished that I could have helped in some way or another. I wished that I had the power to change the outcome. I wished I knew all the right things to do at all the right time. I could have done so many things but I consciously chose not to. I am disappointing.
Just last night, I was casually conversing with a younger friend over facebook chat and I was amazed with the amount of maturity displayed. And I was utterly ashamed of myself. I realized what a self centered person I was and everything I did was centralized around me. He told me that he did things because of others and I was astounded. How can that be possible. And he went on explaining that when he visualized his mother living comfortably, every he did would be worth it. And then it struck me that it is possible. And at that moment, I felt so selfish. Everything made sense. I thought that notions of filial piety were fiction. It isn't. And at that moment, I felt that there was hope. Hope in everything.
I'm always thankful for my family. My parents for giving me everything I need and my sister for always being there. I cannot imagine my life without any one of them. And I understand now. I know that I'm capable of things, many things. And even while I'm sad like I am now, I'll move past it and become even stronger. It's always times like these that allow me to see more clearly. Articulating my thoughts and feeling. For myself, and for everyone else around me.
I spent the whole day being sad about absolutely nothing. I went to sleep sad, I slept, I woke up sad. It's fucking stupid. I think it's because I started thinking too much about everything that is happening around.
We were talking about child centric work in class yesterday and it really got me thinking about almost everything that was at the back to my mind all these while. And I felt a universal sadness, I felt powerless, I felt that there was nothing that I could do, and I felt all these, even as I know this is not how I should be feeling. It didn't help that my next seminar in the evening was a discussion about corporate social responsibility. It angered me that no one wields any real power because it's the collective individuals that can actually make an impact, but how are we going to make way for this group of collective individuals. Would I do it? No I wouldn't. Then who would? I felt so bare because it certainly felt like nothing I do can make a difference. I was particularly disappointed that the class ended with no solutions and no answers. We're always seeking for answers, whether we need it or not. Maybe that was the point of the professor, to enrage me, to make me a thinking individual.
Every Wednesday night, I'll be especially happy. I get to see kids every Wednesday. And they really brighten up my day no matter how gloomy the day was. But when I start thinking again, it feels like a knife piercing through my heart. There is this hopeful glimmer in each of their eyes and it really pains me to imagine what any of them have been through. So even while I'm outwardly happy, this tiny piece of me is overcoming an overwhelming sensation. And no one knows of this. Who would think that beneath my brutal jovial and blunt exterior is a thinking soul. Maybe this is why I'm doing what I'm doing. Maybe this is my calling. I've never felt for anyone, any group of people as strongly as I am feeling. I've been hearing so much of the nasty case studies and every case serves as a knife piercing through my soul. I feel as though... I have a personal responsibility towards these people. And what I've been learning, I know I can make a difference.
So this afternoon, I was with my tk friends. Being with them reminds me of who I am, who I was, and everything in between. Sometimes, I really wished that I have a few of them with me in university. Things would be so much easier. I wouldn't even have to make new friends. I would have made decisions that were so much wiser, join stuff that I would enjoy so much more. I feel so much more comfortable with these people. I can say what I want without having to worry about anything. I wouldn't have to worry about them being sensitive or offended because these people are my friends. You see, it's a straightforward as this. We don't talk about principles, theories or reciprocity. We do things together because we are friends. Or maybe it's just me and my warped perception about everything around. I think I'm just a sucker for familiarity.
And A level results today. I wished I could have done more. I wished that I could have said something more impactful. I wished that I could have made a positive difference. I wished that I was around more to talk about anything and everything. I wished that I could have helped in some way or another. I wished that I had the power to change the outcome. I wished I knew all the right things to do at all the right time. I could have done so many things but I consciously chose not to. I am disappointing.
Just last night, I was casually conversing with a younger friend over facebook chat and I was amazed with the amount of maturity displayed. And I was utterly ashamed of myself. I realized what a self centered person I was and everything I did was centralized around me. He told me that he did things because of others and I was astounded. How can that be possible. And he went on explaining that when he visualized his mother living comfortably, every he did would be worth it. And then it struck me that it is possible. And at that moment, I felt so selfish. Everything made sense. I thought that notions of filial piety were fiction. It isn't. And at that moment, I felt that there was hope. Hope in everything.
I'm always thankful for my family. My parents for giving me everything I need and my sister for always being there. I cannot imagine my life without any one of them. And I understand now. I know that I'm capable of things, many things. And even while I'm sad like I am now, I'll move past it and become even stronger. It's always times like these that allow me to see more clearly. Articulating my thoughts and feeling. For myself, and for everyone else around me.