(no subject)
Such Great Heights by the Postal Service
It's a catchy song. I'm still waiting for my fortune cookie to be true. I don't think it will be any time soon. I am so completely, utterly miserable today feeling so absolutely helpless about what I want out of life and what I have and can get. Supposedly a few months cures all but that's for some people and they aren't me and are nothing like me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I...I don't know. I just hate my life right now in every single respect. Rumor has it you don't know what you have until it's gone but if you always knew and it goes away you are only left hurting that much more; I know this now and that's just how things are, aren't they?
I spend so much time thinking about what I want to write and what would be entertaining. I decided today that my life, as a movie or a story, would depress the crap out of me. I'm not happy anymore. I can't remember the last time I really was happy. I really, honestly can't. No, I can. It was about 17 months ago. That was the last time I was really, truly happy beyond words and without a care in the world. My whole world was bright and warm and fantastic...and then it wasn't. Piece by piece it was taken away and now I'm left with nothing. I had about two perfect years, I guess. Now all I have area haunting memories and photos that damn near kill me.
I'm not the only person going through this, I know. But this is my life so it means an awful lot to me... I don't know how long I've felt this helpless though. I really, truthfully don't. A long, long time ago I used to cry myself to sleep. It was YEARS ago. A lifetime ago, really. I'm not hardly back to that point but I'm not so terribly far away, either.
I had a job interview a few months back and they asked a question. The answer they wanted was "I want to work so hard that a social life is impossible and I'll gladly spend my time with an excel document before a family." I said I didn't care what I was doing for work just so long as I have the family, the house, the dog, and the kids. The details don't matter to me as much as the people do. I didn't get the job but my eyes were opened. I hate it. I hate having and losing the life that I wanted for no reason. People change; sure. The way people feel about other people changes, too and you deal with it. I cannot even begin to express how many barriers I tore down around myself for this person and how long it took before I was stupidly and endlessly committed to her. And then, poof, it was all wasted. It was all gone and I stood there helplessly. I still stand here helplessly. I still stand here helplessly and stupidly watching and waiting for absolutely nothing! I hate it. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a mean person, a selfish person, a negative person or anything else that could help to explain this. I'm just not the right person perhaps because I've been the only person so far. I feel sick. I'm going to go and brush my teeth or throw up, possibly both. Certainly one and hopefully not the other.
It's a catchy song. I'm still waiting for my fortune cookie to be true. I don't think it will be any time soon. I am so completely, utterly miserable today feeling so absolutely helpless about what I want out of life and what I have and can get. Supposedly a few months cures all but that's for some people and they aren't me and are nothing like me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I...I don't know. I just hate my life right now in every single respect. Rumor has it you don't know what you have until it's gone but if you always knew and it goes away you are only left hurting that much more; I know this now and that's just how things are, aren't they?
I spend so much time thinking about what I want to write and what would be entertaining. I decided today that my life, as a movie or a story, would depress the crap out of me. I'm not happy anymore. I can't remember the last time I really was happy. I really, honestly can't. No, I can. It was about 17 months ago. That was the last time I was really, truly happy beyond words and without a care in the world. My whole world was bright and warm and fantastic...and then it wasn't. Piece by piece it was taken away and now I'm left with nothing. I had about two perfect years, I guess. Now all I have area haunting memories and photos that damn near kill me.
I'm not the only person going through this, I know. But this is my life so it means an awful lot to me... I don't know how long I've felt this helpless though. I really, truthfully don't. A long, long time ago I used to cry myself to sleep. It was YEARS ago. A lifetime ago, really. I'm not hardly back to that point but I'm not so terribly far away, either.
I had a job interview a few months back and they asked a question. The answer they wanted was "I want to work so hard that a social life is impossible and I'll gladly spend my time with an excel document before a family." I said I didn't care what I was doing for work just so long as I have the family, the house, the dog, and the kids. The details don't matter to me as much as the people do. I didn't get the job but my eyes were opened. I hate it. I hate having and losing the life that I wanted for no reason. People change; sure. The way people feel about other people changes, too and you deal with it. I cannot even begin to express how many barriers I tore down around myself for this person and how long it took before I was stupidly and endlessly committed to her. And then, poof, it was all wasted. It was all gone and I stood there helplessly. I still stand here helplessly. I still stand here helplessly and stupidly watching and waiting for absolutely nothing! I hate it. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a mean person, a selfish person, a negative person or anything else that could help to explain this. I'm just not the right person perhaps because I've been the only person so far. I feel sick. I'm going to go and brush my teeth or throw up, possibly both. Certainly one and hopefully not the other.