just like that!
I have had a lot of trouble finding the motivation to write my letters to hatred, which i guess is good and bad. That being sad i am going to put it off as i want to be completely in the zone when that passage comes to life. Now that i have let you all know that i am going to attempt to write a letter to my 4th character. (rough edit)
Dear Oblivious,
Hey there sweet angel of mine, i am just laying here wondering if you know how much of my love is invested with you? Of course you don't! Silly lady, love is for big kids, not selfish brats who throw it away like it's an old pair of socks! Let me stop acting like i just spilled a freshly poured glass of milk on the floor. I obviously have some sort of motive for writing to you. Something has to be making my pen scratch these images that you will translate hopefully as my hearts words.
Have you ever re-visited looking at a picture so much that it becomes habitual? Somehow i guess there is a hope that the picture will become the desire that you have deep inside for whatever the image is. On the other hand, could the picture carry a desire for what was true in the moment of the image? Maybe, no...not maybe, truly it seems like a picture carries a lot of weight. Our mind charms the memories from their safe and makes them masquerade with our interpretation of the moment, that frozen moment on the photo. My guess is we do this because we have an innate desire to feel the rush, the rush of our brains blossoming tactic for this interpretation. We like to have our leaves blown about and then throw the rake out the window...regardless of the tears that may ensue.
If you have not guessed i have come to a point where i want to understand my...our relationship. What we had, it was just like that picture, but in a more taunting kind of way. I say taunt because i do not know any other way to express the reason I could look back at something that bothers me so much, so often. Maybe the desire i have is not to stay in a moment, but to fuel my dislike for a time period. I sometimes wish i could grab you and somehow stuff you into my brain for a few moments and just think of what we had. Once you departed it would be clear to you where my confusion lies and why it festers. Hell, maybe i should try and put myself into my own mind! I just know that i recollect our past on a consistent basis for a reason that seems to have little logic.
My reasoning for inducing these thought processes is purely based on my own desire to figure out why i was so naive. Clearly i had to be missing a few links in my chain. In the end, I guess it is not important why i could not see your intentions, more so important as to how absent minded you are when it comes to our love. I truly believe now that you never really loved me, so saying "my love" would be more accurate. Like a scavenger, you found something that was satisfactory by chance and stuck with it until something better came along. This stems a lot of pressure in my hearts corner that is full of all of your baggage. I truly wish i had the power Oblivious, i truly do. I want you to see that my questions are not why we didn't work out or why we grew apart. It is so much deeper, down where the big fish lurk.
Imagine working at an ice cream parlor where you are in training. The boss man is showing you the ropes and as he is serving you realize when people order a double he still uses the same plate, even though after a few minutes the ice cream pours over as it melts. So, you ask him, "why don't we just use bigger plates?" He simply replies "don't worry, it is nothing personal." Now here you are, singing a "what the fuck?" lullaby as this man stares onto the next bucket of delicious.
Hopefully you can see why his answer is so pertinent to our situation or my explanation of my confusion with our situation I will say. Is he just not understanding your question? Is he just not bright? Are you just not getting him? I think it is easier to understand when you relate it to the things you have said to me. I mean, telling someone that they are a great person and they make you happy, but you do not want them because you things wrong with yourself? Liar! It is pathetic of me to delve on this issue, believe me, i know. You know what...forget it, i cannot find a way to express myself to an extent that i feel adequate. So, as my final words i will just say that being somehow connected to you is better than delving with no ones eyes to see how much chaos i have inside of me. Especially when my chaos will only ever be settled through you. I will write again soon Oblivious and one day there will be an answer as close to "right" as we can get it.
Recklessly confused,
Joey
Dear Oblivious,
Hey there sweet angel of mine, i am just laying here wondering if you know how much of my love is invested with you? Of course you don't! Silly lady, love is for big kids, not selfish brats who throw it away like it's an old pair of socks! Let me stop acting like i just spilled a freshly poured glass of milk on the floor. I obviously have some sort of motive for writing to you. Something has to be making my pen scratch these images that you will translate hopefully as my hearts words.
Have you ever re-visited looking at a picture so much that it becomes habitual? Somehow i guess there is a hope that the picture will become the desire that you have deep inside for whatever the image is. On the other hand, could the picture carry a desire for what was true in the moment of the image? Maybe, no...not maybe, truly it seems like a picture carries a lot of weight. Our mind charms the memories from their safe and makes them masquerade with our interpretation of the moment, that frozen moment on the photo. My guess is we do this because we have an innate desire to feel the rush, the rush of our brains blossoming tactic for this interpretation. We like to have our leaves blown about and then throw the rake out the window...regardless of the tears that may ensue.
If you have not guessed i have come to a point where i want to understand my...our relationship. What we had, it was just like that picture, but in a more taunting kind of way. I say taunt because i do not know any other way to express the reason I could look back at something that bothers me so much, so often. Maybe the desire i have is not to stay in a moment, but to fuel my dislike for a time period. I sometimes wish i could grab you and somehow stuff you into my brain for a few moments and just think of what we had. Once you departed it would be clear to you where my confusion lies and why it festers. Hell, maybe i should try and put myself into my own mind! I just know that i recollect our past on a consistent basis for a reason that seems to have little logic.
My reasoning for inducing these thought processes is purely based on my own desire to figure out why i was so naive. Clearly i had to be missing a few links in my chain. In the end, I guess it is not important why i could not see your intentions, more so important as to how absent minded you are when it comes to our love. I truly believe now that you never really loved me, so saying "my love" would be more accurate. Like a scavenger, you found something that was satisfactory by chance and stuck with it until something better came along. This stems a lot of pressure in my hearts corner that is full of all of your baggage. I truly wish i had the power Oblivious, i truly do. I want you to see that my questions are not why we didn't work out or why we grew apart. It is so much deeper, down where the big fish lurk.
Imagine working at an ice cream parlor where you are in training. The boss man is showing you the ropes and as he is serving you realize when people order a double he still uses the same plate, even though after a few minutes the ice cream pours over as it melts. So, you ask him, "why don't we just use bigger plates?" He simply replies "don't worry, it is nothing personal." Now here you are, singing a "what the fuck?" lullaby as this man stares onto the next bucket of delicious.
Hopefully you can see why his answer is so pertinent to our situation or my explanation of my confusion with our situation I will say. Is he just not understanding your question? Is he just not bright? Are you just not getting him? I think it is easier to understand when you relate it to the things you have said to me. I mean, telling someone that they are a great person and they make you happy, but you do not want them because you things wrong with yourself? Liar! It is pathetic of me to delve on this issue, believe me, i know. You know what...forget it, i cannot find a way to express myself to an extent that i feel adequate. So, as my final words i will just say that being somehow connected to you is better than delving with no ones eyes to see how much chaos i have inside of me. Especially when my chaos will only ever be settled through you. I will write again soon Oblivious and one day there will be an answer as close to "right" as we can get it.
Recklessly confused,
Joey