And these days you ain't nothin' just an interstate daydream
Driving to Oregon next week. That will be fun. It'll be just about 10 years to the month from the time that I first moved out there.
I've been not drinking and smoking less. Whenever I want to smoke a cigarette, I make myself go on a one mile walk.
I saw a house for sale in Holt last week. It's in the neighborhood where my old elementary school is. I've wanted to live in that neighborhood since forever. The thing is, the mortgage payments would have totally been within our budget, but we're WAY away from having enough for a down payment.
I'm talking like it was an actual consideration. No, there are no intentions of moving out of Chicago. It was just weird for a minute to imagine moving back to my hometown.
This not drinking has gotten me thinking quite a bit about the past. Like, I was trying to think of the last time in my life where my life didn't revolve around alcohol in some capacity. In high school I didn't really drink, and when I did, it would be at like, Jenn's or something. But, I didn't go over to Jenn's TO drink, and probably 97% of the time I was there, I wasn't drinking.
So, probably after Robbie died. When I moved in with Jenn and Tommy into those apartments on Dell Rd. That's when I think I started scheduling events around drinking. I had two roommates that were over 21, and I was super into self medicating in any way possible to deal with what had just happened. I was also super unhealthy about using it as a way to give myself an excuse to be honest? Like, "I'm drunk, so it's okay to do and say these things that I'm afraid to do and say while sober." That kind of crap. Pretty sure it IMMEDIATELY started causing issues in my relationships, and I just sort of adapted to that being a thing.
Then when I turned 21 I just made it my main thing. I'm pretty sure I wasn't a week into being 21 before I got some booze at 7am when the store opened just because I could drink in the morning whenever I wanted to. Just went full into making drinking a big part of my personality. Shit, people liked me when I was drunk, right? I was funny, I could get laid. All of the great things that go along with lowering your inhibitions.
After deciding to stop drinking, I got to wondering if taking that aspect out of my life would let me see things the way that I did before it became a focal point. I don't think it will, though. I think the way I saw life before I was really drinking was because I was 18 and naive, so being sober isn't going to take away the cynicism that existing has created in me. I am, however, looking forward to finding joy and excitement in things without being drunk first. Not that I was only able to experience joy and excitement if I was drunk, but more so, doing things to do them, versus "I got drunk or went to the beach" or "I got wasted at the Cubs game."
Does that make sense?
It does in my head, but I don't really feel like I explained it to the best of my ability.
Oh well.
I've been not drinking and smoking less. Whenever I want to smoke a cigarette, I make myself go on a one mile walk.
I saw a house for sale in Holt last week. It's in the neighborhood where my old elementary school is. I've wanted to live in that neighborhood since forever. The thing is, the mortgage payments would have totally been within our budget, but we're WAY away from having enough for a down payment.
I'm talking like it was an actual consideration. No, there are no intentions of moving out of Chicago. It was just weird for a minute to imagine moving back to my hometown.
This not drinking has gotten me thinking quite a bit about the past. Like, I was trying to think of the last time in my life where my life didn't revolve around alcohol in some capacity. In high school I didn't really drink, and when I did, it would be at like, Jenn's or something. But, I didn't go over to Jenn's TO drink, and probably 97% of the time I was there, I wasn't drinking.
So, probably after Robbie died. When I moved in with Jenn and Tommy into those apartments on Dell Rd. That's when I think I started scheduling events around drinking. I had two roommates that were over 21, and I was super into self medicating in any way possible to deal with what had just happened. I was also super unhealthy about using it as a way to give myself an excuse to be honest? Like, "I'm drunk, so it's okay to do and say these things that I'm afraid to do and say while sober." That kind of crap. Pretty sure it IMMEDIATELY started causing issues in my relationships, and I just sort of adapted to that being a thing.
Then when I turned 21 I just made it my main thing. I'm pretty sure I wasn't a week into being 21 before I got some booze at 7am when the store opened just because I could drink in the morning whenever I wanted to. Just went full into making drinking a big part of my personality. Shit, people liked me when I was drunk, right? I was funny, I could get laid. All of the great things that go along with lowering your inhibitions.
After deciding to stop drinking, I got to wondering if taking that aspect out of my life would let me see things the way that I did before it became a focal point. I don't think it will, though. I think the way I saw life before I was really drinking was because I was 18 and naive, so being sober isn't going to take away the cynicism that existing has created in me. I am, however, looking forward to finding joy and excitement in things without being drunk first. Not that I was only able to experience joy and excitement if I was drunk, but more so, doing things to do them, versus "I got drunk or went to the beach" or "I got wasted at the Cubs game."
Does that make sense?
It does in my head, but I don't really feel like I explained it to the best of my ability.
Oh well.