Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in
I had a very strange 36th birthday.
I had the day off, and I spent it by myself, except for the part where I walked up to the deli and got myself a turkey sandwich.
I've been pretty good at not giving into nostalgia these last few years, but today, today I just went all in on it. I reread old lj entries, went through my yahoo email account and read old emails and AIM conversations. Looked at about a thousand pictures. Just lived in that life when my world was a lot smaller. Now I feel so incredibly hopeless and empty. I'm missing so many things and people that will just never be in my life again. Not in the same, close way that they all used to. I'm not sure if doing that is going to be therapeutic, or spiral me into a pretty rad depression, but for some reason, I felt like it was necessary to do today. I think it will be good, in the long run. I never want to forget what it was like and how it felt when I was getting ready to go out into the world for the first time. I had a pretty good adolescence, the friends, the experiences. What is the point of making all of those good memories if you're just going to try to forget them. The next anniversaries of all of these things are going to be the 18 year anniversaries. That's how old I was when they were happening. All of those memories have grown up, and will be barely graduating high school, just like I was when I was experiencing them. I know tomorrow I'm going to get up, go to work, and start living in the present again. I'm just really on one tonight, and I thought I'd come here and see if it helped.
I had the day off, and I spent it by myself, except for the part where I walked up to the deli and got myself a turkey sandwich.
I've been pretty good at not giving into nostalgia these last few years, but today, today I just went all in on it. I reread old lj entries, went through my yahoo email account and read old emails and AIM conversations. Looked at about a thousand pictures. Just lived in that life when my world was a lot smaller. Now I feel so incredibly hopeless and empty. I'm missing so many things and people that will just never be in my life again. Not in the same, close way that they all used to. I'm not sure if doing that is going to be therapeutic, or spiral me into a pretty rad depression, but for some reason, I felt like it was necessary to do today. I think it will be good, in the long run. I never want to forget what it was like and how it felt when I was getting ready to go out into the world for the first time. I had a pretty good adolescence, the friends, the experiences. What is the point of making all of those good memories if you're just going to try to forget them. The next anniversaries of all of these things are going to be the 18 year anniversaries. That's how old I was when they were happening. All of those memories have grown up, and will be barely graduating high school, just like I was when I was experiencing them. I know tomorrow I'm going to get up, go to work, and start living in the present again. I'm just really on one tonight, and I thought I'd come here and see if it helped.