The Queens We Use Would Not Excite You
Last night we drove. A little over three and a half hours. Back in Portales we are. I was thinking, had anyone asked me a year ago what I thought about going to visit Albuquerque while living in Portales, I would have said, "I love Albuquerque dearly, but I'm glad I came to Portales. It seems that every time I'm in Albuquerque I just can't wait to get back home, to my real home now, in Portales."
I was driving back last night and all I could think about were my experiences over the break, especially within the past three days. I realized that I had always had a definite "plan of who I am", I just didn't know it was there, in the far reaches of my brain. While I was in Albuquerque I also started realizing the "wonderful" that was around me. I seem to fit Albuquerque-esque cities really well because of who I am. I did, after all, grow up there. It doesn't mean I DON'T fit into cities like Portales. But it is definitely more difficult to execute my "fitting in" successfully.
As soon as I drove around the last curve on the Portales Road, the curve that sends you into the straight-lined road directly into Portales, I felt a hole open up in my stomach. I was a bit nervous to be back, and, more importantly, I felt this grandiose-ly huge blanket of loneliness fall over my being in this town again. And for once in my life I felt that this loneliness had a purpose. Every other time I've felt lonely I just assumed that I was being a baby or I didn't understand the reason. But now I know why:
I've challenged every single idea and ideal that has ubruptly stopped (with squealing breaks and everything) me in my paths. Because of this I've reevaluated my life, I've understood the point of views of all, I've taken in as much as I could to grasp a hold of the almost poison-like vermon that swarms Portales and the surrounding area . . . I've done all this just to gain knowledge and learn. And even after it has all come to pass, I still remain a sour taste on the lips of the Eastern New Mexico mouth.
What I realized over the past six months is that I have the right to be that sour taste. I am who I am (urg, sounds so cliche). SO, I had to reflect. As I decellerated to the impatient ten-miles-over-the-speed-limit 55 MPH, the loneliness creeped, reached it's arms through the driver's seat, grabbed a hold of my legs under my knees and my upperbody over my chest. I was being pulled into the seat and all I could do was lie in It's arms, limp.
I'm thinking, though, that the loneliness could not have been helped. It was a part of my reflection. I have to know the loneliness to know the bonds that I have made in areas like my friendships. The loneliness sort of gives me the strength to keep moving forward. Even though we feel it very strong sometimes, we're never really alone. I realized that two nights ago. No matter where you are, someone cares and someone watches.
And here I am, accepting my next big change (the "plan of who I am" thingy) and wondering how it'll all turn out. I'm ready to ride this roller coaster baby. Bring on the rain, the juggling girls, the fire-eaters, because "the queens we use would not excite you." We are for the very fortunate . . . and You is for the very unfortunate. And you know which fortune or unfortune YOU are.
I was driving back last night and all I could think about were my experiences over the break, especially within the past three days. I realized that I had always had a definite "plan of who I am", I just didn't know it was there, in the far reaches of my brain. While I was in Albuquerque I also started realizing the "wonderful" that was around me. I seem to fit Albuquerque-esque cities really well because of who I am. I did, after all, grow up there. It doesn't mean I DON'T fit into cities like Portales. But it is definitely more difficult to execute my "fitting in" successfully.
As soon as I drove around the last curve on the Portales Road, the curve that sends you into the straight-lined road directly into Portales, I felt a hole open up in my stomach. I was a bit nervous to be back, and, more importantly, I felt this grandiose-ly huge blanket of loneliness fall over my being in this town again. And for once in my life I felt that this loneliness had a purpose. Every other time I've felt lonely I just assumed that I was being a baby or I didn't understand the reason. But now I know why:
I've challenged every single idea and ideal that has ubruptly stopped (with squealing breaks and everything) me in my paths. Because of this I've reevaluated my life, I've understood the point of views of all, I've taken in as much as I could to grasp a hold of the almost poison-like vermon that swarms Portales and the surrounding area . . . I've done all this just to gain knowledge and learn. And even after it has all come to pass, I still remain a sour taste on the lips of the Eastern New Mexico mouth.
What I realized over the past six months is that I have the right to be that sour taste. I am who I am (urg, sounds so cliche). SO, I had to reflect. As I decellerated to the impatient ten-miles-over-the-speed-limit 55 MPH, the loneliness creeped, reached it's arms through the driver's seat, grabbed a hold of my legs under my knees and my upperbody over my chest. I was being pulled into the seat and all I could do was lie in It's arms, limp.
I'm thinking, though, that the loneliness could not have been helped. It was a part of my reflection. I have to know the loneliness to know the bonds that I have made in areas like my friendships. The loneliness sort of gives me the strength to keep moving forward. Even though we feel it very strong sometimes, we're never really alone. I realized that two nights ago. No matter where you are, someone cares and someone watches.
And here I am, accepting my next big change (the "plan of who I am" thingy) and wondering how it'll all turn out. I'm ready to ride this roller coaster baby. Bring on the rain, the juggling girls, the fire-eaters, because "the queens we use would not excite you." We are for the very fortunate . . . and You is for the very unfortunate. And you know which fortune or unfortune YOU are.