(no subject)
I certainly didn't forget about today.
I was searching for the right things to say about it though and that's where I come up empty now. I've said just about everything imaginable that I can and unleashed my soul in all ways possible. This year, though, was different.
I sent a text message to Stacey asking her if she was holding up OK today and I was caught off guard and rather surprised that she called me back almost instantly. It's so terribly odd thinking back - before that awful day seven years ago, I was pretty convinced, and I'm sure she'd agree with me, that she didn't much care for me or hold me in very high esteem.
After all, best friends are great like that - they're your most ardent supporter and guardian and Stacey was always that for Felissa. Time does make some notions disappear and other situations arise where someone who once was Public Enemey #1 gets unseated by others who come along and win the title. I do believe that was the case with me because Stacey had said her part to me personally after things ended with Felissa and I and let's just say I am wiser now to know to never piss her off. I got a well-deserved dressing down.
When I saw her that day and had a chance to actually talk to her face to face again, the situation dictated that things be different. Death is like that. Stace and I over the years have kept in touch and used this time each year to play catch up, reflect on things and eventually we would spend part of the conversation just talking things out about Felissa. Going back over some of the questions you'll have left over when someone takes their own life unexpectedly. Stace would tell me about signs that she felt were there that no one could pick up on until hindsight dictated what the truth was and I would talk about how badly things ended with her and I and myself feeling like if things were different and I had been a bit more grown up (at the age of 19/20, yeah, I know, foolish to say the least) about things that somehow, someway that would've been a way to alter the road she opted to go down.
Suffice to say, Stace and I would take turns reassuring one another that ultimately there was nothing we could've done since for some horrible, awful reason Felissa was just determined to find a way out. Trying to go back over the past and analyze it to the point where you feel that there was some point during her stay here on Earth that we could've done something that would've thrown the switch the other way and made it all better - it's a good way to send yourself to a quick psychosis.
I guess I just am amazed at what one horrible turn of events can bring about. I'm glad I can call Stacey a friend today - I know I was always happy that Felissa had a friend like her that would stick by her and help stick up for her when she wouldn't do it for herself. Everyone should want a friend like that. I'd much rather have her on my side instead of working against me but be it as it may I'd much rather have had her hate me in her mind and Felissa to still be here. I think that speaks for itself though.
I was searching for the right things to say about it though and that's where I come up empty now. I've said just about everything imaginable that I can and unleashed my soul in all ways possible. This year, though, was different.
I sent a text message to Stacey asking her if she was holding up OK today and I was caught off guard and rather surprised that she called me back almost instantly. It's so terribly odd thinking back - before that awful day seven years ago, I was pretty convinced, and I'm sure she'd agree with me, that she didn't much care for me or hold me in very high esteem.
After all, best friends are great like that - they're your most ardent supporter and guardian and Stacey was always that for Felissa. Time does make some notions disappear and other situations arise where someone who once was Public Enemey #1 gets unseated by others who come along and win the title. I do believe that was the case with me because Stacey had said her part to me personally after things ended with Felissa and I and let's just say I am wiser now to know to never piss her off. I got a well-deserved dressing down.
When I saw her that day and had a chance to actually talk to her face to face again, the situation dictated that things be different. Death is like that. Stace and I over the years have kept in touch and used this time each year to play catch up, reflect on things and eventually we would spend part of the conversation just talking things out about Felissa. Going back over some of the questions you'll have left over when someone takes their own life unexpectedly. Stace would tell me about signs that she felt were there that no one could pick up on until hindsight dictated what the truth was and I would talk about how badly things ended with her and I and myself feeling like if things were different and I had been a bit more grown up (at the age of 19/20, yeah, I know, foolish to say the least) about things that somehow, someway that would've been a way to alter the road she opted to go down.
Suffice to say, Stace and I would take turns reassuring one another that ultimately there was nothing we could've done since for some horrible, awful reason Felissa was just determined to find a way out. Trying to go back over the past and analyze it to the point where you feel that there was some point during her stay here on Earth that we could've done something that would've thrown the switch the other way and made it all better - it's a good way to send yourself to a quick psychosis.
I guess I just am amazed at what one horrible turn of events can bring about. I'm glad I can call Stacey a friend today - I know I was always happy that Felissa had a friend like her that would stick by her and help stick up for her when she wouldn't do it for herself. Everyone should want a friend like that. I'd much rather have her on my side instead of working against me but be it as it may I'd much rather have had her hate me in her mind and Felissa to still be here. I think that speaks for itself though.